Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. My Overall impression:I like your poem, it's a very creative subject. I think you need clarify some because it's confusing in places.
Suggestions/Errors:
Line 3:
Her peanut butter and grace,(you need to clarify this...is the peanut butter refering to the color of her wings?)
Stanza 2:
you start off saying she MIGHT tell me...I would cut this might and tell her story....let us readers use our imagination!
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
I like your poem. You stick to the form well. I can identify...this is where I met my significant other of more than 2 years.
My only suggestion...take your poem a little further. tell us more about him and your relationship.
Keep writing.
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in my weekly contest and good luck. Your short poem say so much. I like the way you show his grief. What a great poem. I could picture this lonely widow at the window.
This line is very dramatic, and my favorite line:
his completion.
Keep writing.
Tammy
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Thanks for leaving this in my review forum. This was sad; it brought tears to my eyes.(Maybe, I'm just too emotional/sentimental.) I love the ending and how you brought the raindrops back into to the story! I could feel the sadness and the feeling of being lost that your main character is feeling. You describe each character very well. I could picture her, her friend and the husband. I did not notice any typos or errors.
Great story. Keep writing.
Tammy
Thanks for leaving this in my review forum. I can and do get where you are coming from with this. THEY are all around. There is always going to be someone, somewhere who will judge you on your looks, lifestyle, your hair-color, your size etc., etc.
I think one of the best ways to fight back on this is for each of us NOT to judge back!! For me that is the best comeback!
Always, Tammy
Thanks for leaving this in my review forum. I enjoyed this very positive poem.
Great addiction to have! The closer I get to the end, I was thinking; okay, I want to be addicted to this! You end it very well. Good luck in the contest.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering my monthly contest. I enjoyed your story. It flows well. I could feel the main characters sadness, confusion and lonliness. This story does stand well by itself, but you could take it so much further. Expand on her relationship with her husband, tell us how he died? I feel like he was a young guy. Just a few suggestions.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Thanks for posting in my review forum. Sorry it's taken awhile. I like the story line. Neat names for twins.
Suggestions:
I think you need to clean this up some. Proof read this, in places you write this as past tense and in other places it is written in present-tense.
I think you should tell us more about each individual character....I don't feel like I know any of your characters. Use some decription and imagery.
I think you should tell us more about the relationship they share over the phone...more details on how the relationship grows.
All just some suggestions.
Any questions e-mail me.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
With some illustrations, I think this would make a great children's story. Well-done. You stick to a childs reading level through-out. I didn't notice any typos or erros. You might expand just a little more on how it felt for her to help another animal. Just to make sure you get the message to a child!
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. Unique story you got here. It's written very well and flows well. I could vision the park and the children. I like the message and your ending really brings it home. I did not notice any typos or errors.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. Very intense story you have here. I could see this teenager in her room painting.
Suggestions:
I like the title...I think it would sound better if you had The Writings on the Black Wall...it seems more mysterious!
1 typo:
Her throat feels a dry.(cut the a in front of dry.)
I was left with one question. I got a little confused towards the end. Did she kill her Dad or just herself. You might want to make that a little clearer...or if you did it on purpose for the mystery...it works this way too!
Jus some suggestions. Great story. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. I enjoyed your story, what a dream or was it...? Very mysterious. You held my attention to the end. My only suggestion...check you spacing on some of the paras and with the dialogue. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest. Good luck!
Creative poem you got here...your imagery is great...I could smell the dinner!!
Errors:
devowered the feast (spelling = devoured)
set before him. (set should be sat)
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
This is a great tribute to a soldier. Your rhymes are good. The flow is okay. I like that you gave the definition at the end for us that didn't recgonize the word you used. Very thoughtful.
suggestions:(to help with the flow of your poem)
They had a precious life
And they are much too young.
try:
They lived a precious life
but they were much too young.
Far from home he sets them free
And holds the terrorists at bay
try:
Far from home he sets them free
While holding the terrorists at bay
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing, Tammy
Thanks for the entry into my contest. Great poem with an even greater message. The topic of your poem is a hard one to write on. Unfortunately, things of this nature exist. You tell of it from the victims p.o.v. and what she is trying to say when one looks at her. Very well done. BUT very scary, how many children have tried to express this and we have overlooked it!?!?
1 suggestion:
The following line is a little confusing...maybe put a comma after eating.
"She's not eating why!"
Good luck.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
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I really like this poem and can identify. I am this girl!! I like the repitition, it works very well in your poem.
My favorite lines:
My dreams are
folded in my pocket.
My inspirations are
written on my heart
A typo:
For I am a just a girl,(cut the first a)
Keep writing.
Tammy
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck. I like the message in your poems. All relationships have the good and bad!! It's good that she learned from her lessons and didn't take him back.
My suggestions:
The wording is off in places and makes for some confusing lines.
EXAMPLES:
others more.(I'm not sure what more means here.)
Or cracked up a laugh(awkward...maybe cracked up in laughter)
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing.
Tammy
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
Great poem. One last time, if all romanes could end like this! Nice thought. You capture the sadness very well, but what a great memory to hold.
Suggestions:
Desparation took control{spelling=desperation)
Keep writing.
Always, tammy
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
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I like the subject of your poem. You express dying very well and in a dignified way.
Suggestions:
Your last lines reads choppy:
But then my eyes close again
And then my life, it is gone
TRY:
My eyes close again
As my life is gone
or
My eyes close again
Then my life is gone
Great poem, neat way to do the subject of death.
Keep writing, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. I like your story. I like the characters. Your dialogue is very good.
Suggestions:
I got a little confused with her leaving (where did that come from they were having a nice conversation???)
That's great. I refuse to talk to you. I have always been given the impression of popular guys being weird and unkind. Like Tomas before he even saw Carmen. Besides, you are just another boy who wants to tease me." I said and stomped ou of the diner.( it should be out in front of the diner}
Carmen seemed to follow me. (seemed...I would use a different word here. She did follow ..)
with Too scared to say anything you at school."(too should not be capitalized and you need to after anything.)
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck. WOW. This is kind of sad, you describe well these emotions and having to hide these emotions behind mask!
My opinios/suggestions:
Your rhymes are good. The flow is good for the most part. In a few spots it is off.
EX:
To save their independence
From those who under pretense
(I think it would sound better if you left off who in the second line.)
Steel face has a drop of dew!
Are in the heart troubled you?
This one I had to read twice...I'm not sure maybe put
a pause/comma after heart...?
Just some suggestions.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. Your action-story is fast-paced and has alot packed into it. But, I was left with a question: At the end: I thought they were filming a movie scene....then they mention HQs...so was this a drill or something??
Error/typos:
Jill used her free hand hold to her long, brown hair out of her face(you need to in front of hold not after)
Jill used her free hand to hold her long, brown hair out of her face
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. Great allegory, thanks for the read.
Your representations are all good and creative. To life, the demons, the emotions and to hope. The imagery of your emotions are unique and creative.
I did not notice any errors or typos. Well-done.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. I enjoyed reading this. It has a great message and is a very hopeful read.
Suggestions:
Check the spacing..in places it is off.
All of a sudden a rock came flying violently through a window breaking it(I think instead of having all of a sudden...you should specify a time period...a week later or after a month etc...)
Just some suggestions. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Hi again. I like the message on you holding yourself back. I think the flow needs alot of work. It's a difficult read. One thing to do after finishing your poems are to read them aloud to see how they flow. I think with a little tweaking this would be a great poem.
EXAMPLES:
lines 1& 2:
You sit there and act like you own me now,
What you don`t understand that I know now,
TRY:
You're acting like you own me somehow,
You don`t understand that I know now,
something like this....
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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