WOW...weird story. Very twisted there at the end.
I'm guessing his sister was obsessed with him. Which leads to one of my suggestions...You need more on the sister..not just 'the shadow' and that she snoops around in his room. Maybe show a few incidents prior to the end. Also, maybe write some dialogue between the two. And then show how he feels after the incident...mad, revolted etc. Just some suggestions. Keep writing.
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This is a good short story. Kind of a flash-story. Well-done because you leave no questions at the end. I have a 12 year-old and I'm sure all kids feel these feelings in some way, at sometime. You've really captured the feelings well...your imagery had me on the court!
TYPO:
the basket, alone, isolated, watching the (you don't need the first comma after basket)
Keep writing.
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This is a great story. Thanks for the read. Your imagery is good. I could easily picture both of your characters.
The title is good. I think this could be interrupted in more than one way!!
Only suggestion:
The white sleeveless dress that clang to the body of this young woman, revealed her lovely figure.(I think you need to use clung instead of clang).
Keep writing.
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck. Very original poem you have here. Great descriptions/comparisons. A little confusing... Corrine could be a few things...I guess its left up to the reader to decide.
Keep writing.
Tammy
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck. I like the comparison you are making here of a chapter/pages of a book to yourself. A real play on words!! This could also be taken as a comparison between pages of a book to the people we meet that impact our life in some way. Sometimes they drift back into our lives but sometimes they don't...doesn's matter they've left an impact.
A great poem. Keep writing.
Tammy
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
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Your title is good and appropriate; but a little misleading...
Cute poem. I like the humor. Your poem tells a little story. Your rhymes are good and the flow works.
Great job. Keep writing.
Tammy
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
I enjoyed your poem on boxers and it's message....there is always someone out there bigger/stronger than you!! Your rhymes are good and so is the flow. The only thing I might change would be the usage of AND(so many times and starting your lines with it!)....Your poem is very metered in places so I want attempt to change anything...Stands fine like it is..
Always, Tammy
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This is a sad/deep poem. Very well-written.
You express yourself very well.
Unique title.
My opinion/suggestions:
But my mind never sleeps- cut the but you don't need it
And in my mind...cut the and...you don't need it
Through-out you start your lines with but and and...you dont't need any of them. It sounds better with out them.
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
Your title is original and should draw the reader in. I like the comparison you are making here. The rhymes and the flow of the poem are good. In line 6 you have a comma...the only punctuation mark in the whole poem...I'd go back and either remove the one comma and have NO punc. OR go back and add the appropriate punct.
Just a suggestion.
Keep writing.
Tammy
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Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
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Great poem. Your comparisons are really unique. Your title is original. I love this line:
An aquatic Garden of Eden
I like the repitition of the first stanza.
No changes!
Well-done
Tammy
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck!
AWESOME title. The following stanza sums it all up! This is a player!!
But then players only love you
While they want to play
So shallow words they speak
When they want a lay
My opinion/suggestions:
line 8-And other girls there are
try: Knowing other girls there are
line 20- I would leave off when.
Just suggestions.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Great poem. Very sad poem. You show time passing with your dreams failing!
Unfortunately, things never end up as we IMAGINE!!
Only change I would make:
In stanza 2 line 11:
And how I used to shine
TRY:
My ability to shine
Keep writing.
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A review for a review. GREAT poem!! I like this and the way you have created a barrier between you and the world.
Suggestions: A different title...one that will draw the reader in. MAybe..My Island or Soulless..or something.
Line 4= I don't think you need own.
Line 7= I don't think you need the and.
Keep writing.
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Thanks for posting this for a review.
I like your story and the way you have attempted to write this.
Towards the end we find out that.... "whole life was playing out in his mind," which is a neat way to tell the story, but I think you skip too much...it leaves alot of questions.
My opinion/ suggestion:
It needs some cleaning.
You need more details.
Here are a few things:
had only know the outcome just(know should be known)
the call was to strong to ignore(the first to should be too)
...would he change his mind, he didnt think he would (you don't need the ...before would...you need to capitalize would and you need a question mark after mind. Start the next sentence with He didn't...)
You start off a couple of your sentences with...(you don't need these... at the front of your sentences)
after he joined the academy, Landing in there spacecraft(landing does not need to be capitalized ..there should be their)
I think this will be a unique story with just a little cleaning.
keep writing.
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Great title. I can identify with some of this. Especially this stanza:
I am the girl
with a heart cloaked with thorns,
pricking anyone who comes close,
thinking I will get torn.
I, too,(at times) wear a tough exterior for these reasons.
Suggestion: All will help with the flow of the poem.
line 2
who calls your name
TRY:
Calling your name
line 6
with the cold, crooked fingers,
(this line makes the "girl" seem like an old woman...)
TRY:
with grasping fingers
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing.
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I like this. A goodbye...nicely put...to the divorced wife! Very original poem.
My opinions and suggestions.
I think you need to break these lines up in to some stanzas....for more of a formed poem.
With your first 3 lines.. see my example below....a few of your words have been deleted and/or changed...
EXAMPLE:
Farewell; those tears are yours to fake.
No masquerade or silence for love’s sake.
Take our home, it’s yours to plunder.
Your trophy for the battles won,
tokens of gratitude for a new life begun.
gREAT POEM!
Just suggestions. Any questions..just e-mail me.
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Great poem. I like the title. Your rhymes are good.
My opinions/ suggestions: (all will help with the flow)
Line 2
And I can’t take back every wrong thing that I’ve done in the past
TRY:
I can’t take back the wrong that I’ve done in the past
Line4..you don't need the but.
Line 6
I felt my heart break down the center and I watched the phone fall
TRY:
I felt my heart break as I watched the phone fall
liNE 7
My body crumbled out of my own control
TRY:
My body crumbled as I lost control
Line 8...cut the and at the start of the line
Line 12...cut the and at..and use so at the start..
Lines 13, 15, 17....cut the ands...you don't need any of them.
All just suggestions.
Keep writing.
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I enjoyed the way you've told your story. It's very inspirational. You sound like a great mother who has raised an awesome son!!
My opinions/suggestions:
even tempered with a smile that made (I'd make it even-tempered.)
sugarcoated(a space bertween these words or sugar-coated)
Reluctantly I agreed because the park(a comma after reluctantly)
Keep writing.
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Great title. It draws in the reader. I like your story. Unfortunately, I can identify with parts of it....'I needed to have my life validated so'...this part especially...What is with women....why do we think a man can do this??
My opinions/suggestions:
I didn’t fall in love I walked calmly (I would put a ; after love...just for impact.)
But now as I look back I see the contempt(a comma after back)
Now I pity myself(a comma after now)
These are wonderful lines:
"... has successfully ground my heart, soul and spirit into a fine powdery dust, I’m leaving before the wind begins to blow..."
Keep writing and good luck.
Tammy
I'm sorry for your loss. I can feel the love you have for your Mom. I know these feelings well. I lost my Mom in Dec.
These 2 lines are my favorite...they say so much.
Her calm, beautiful presence still hanging in the air
Providing false hope of her steps around the corner.
Great job. Keep writing...it can be such an outlet.
Always, Tammy
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Thank you for the read.
I love your story. The title is good. The suspense kept me reading straight to the end. Your descriptions are great...I like the 'inky black water '...
I read over half the story before I could even begin to kind of figure out were they where...which is good with this kind of story.
A couple typos:
told you, you son-of-bitch!” She was hysterically. “I told you ( is this.. She was hysterical or was hollering hysterically??)
“You want to drowned us again( just drown)
Again, thanks for the read.
Always, Tammy
This is a great story. I love the title.
I like your writing style.
I hope to one day be able to write and tell a story.. like you have done. This is very well-written. You brought tears to my eyes on more than one part. All the characters are likable and believable.
Thanks for the read.
Keep writing.
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Your sense of humor is wonderful!!
"..as my bottom touched the ground,
those parts began to shrink.... "
THIS is great. I actually was laughing out loud.
My neighbors probably think I'm going crazy...since I'm home alone!
You make me want to try my hand at writing comedy...which I've never had any luck with.
Great poem.
Tammy
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