Thanks for the laugh. That was good!
I love the way you write this from the
Yams p.o.v. The ending was cute...
well sad for the Yams.
My favorite part is why the Seniors like yams.
I didn't notice any typos or erros.
Great job.
Keep writing.
Keep the humor.
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Chapter 4
Is a great chapter as far as punctuation and typos!
I found none!
I love the ending and how you bring it to the "Family Portrait."
My only suggestion:
Chapter 4
Leaves me asking alot of questions.....
I think you skipped way too much time...you do explain some of it, but..maybe a few more chapters in between 3 and 4.
Keep writing.
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Chapter3
First I notice you haven't got any r/r s on your chapters/story...You should post these on the Review Request page and the Plug page. You could also take these and post them into some of the review forums and ask them to give you public reviews!!
My suggestions:
For clarification...I think at the beggining you need a little about where you are and maybe a little on the counselor.
You just jump right in to talking to her...
I’m going over my Aunt Callie’s house.”(you need..to ..after over)
“
It’s okay, Mara,” she said consolingly(fix the " mark here)
Keep writing.
Tammy
Chapter 2
Your story is going good. Sorry it took me awhile to get back to these chapters.
Your dialogue is good and easy to read.
Suggestions:
Paragraph 1...I think you shoukld re-write..your descriptions of everyone runs together . Also check the punctuation..(Philadelphia, and. There was)
little boy answered the door. Mara recognized him immediately. It was Kyle, her ten-year-old little brother.
“Is your Aunt Callie home?”(wouldn't this be Mara's aunt to....you don't need the YOUR in front of Aunt)
Keep writing.
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I like your title and it's very appropriate for your story. I hope I'm getting the story right: The Son has run away and he thinks his Mom(who beat him the day before) and their village are celebrating him being gone so he lays waiting in the desert until the Sun will take him away(kill him.)
If my perception of this is wrong please email me and let me know.
Based on my perception..It's a neat and unique story. I din't notice any error or typos.
You have this story through the Sons p.o.v. and at times some of his thoughts seem very grown up! You might want to read you story over and think about that. Example: "How horrible to be denied the love of a mother." You never mention the Sons age but this doesn't sound like a childs thought. There are a few areas that I question it being a child.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Cute story. I didn't notice any typos or errors.
My opinion/suggestions:
I think it needs a little more.
Maybe a little more about the drive; more on your uncle and your feelings. More on the services, etc...
Just some suggestions. Keep writing...I've enjoyed your port!!
Tammy
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This is a nice tribute to your
friend/Gaurdian Angel.
Good that you had them there
through your hard times.
My opinions/suggestions:
line 1- you don't need the comma after angel
line 3/4
You've stayed through all the twists and turns
of my roller-coaster life.
TRY:
You've stayed beside me
On my roller-coaster life
lines 7/8
you'd stroke your fingers through my hair
and speak of better years.
TRY:
Running fingers through my hair
You'd speak of better years.
line 15
You picked me up and put me under your wing,
TRY:
You'd place me under your wings,
Keep writing.
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This is a great tribute to your daughter!
You show your love and pride for her very well!
The only thing I noticed:
In the last line..
without greive, without you
(spelling = grieve...actually, I think it would sound better if you used grief.)
Keep writing. Tammy
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Thanks for the read!
I love baseball...but on a young level.
Both my kids play; I can sit through their whole game with out ANY problems!!
Your last 2 sentences sums the wole thing up for me!
Only suggestion I have;
we’d play{/} baseball; in (I dont' think you need (/) after baseball)
Keep writing.
Tammy
GREAT title! Thanks for the read.
I like how you have the note at the top..with a little explanation!
This does capture how depression works... .."almost forget this place. Then it ensnares me again." and " It starts to taunt you. Chanting..."
Your descriptions are perfect!
It tends to wait until you're weak; then it jumps you and "ensnares" you! Your description is perfect!
Thanks.
Tammy
This is a great poem.
Your last stanza sums it all up.
I agree that material things can never
compare to everlasting life!
I like the last lines the best:
I have something better than those who prize things,
I will live eternally, wearing my wings.
Well said.
Tammy
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This is a wonderful tribute to your dogs.
The picture is a great addition, they were
beautiful dogs!!
I didn't notice any typos or errors.
The only question I have..is did they die
from old age? You mention they are buried
beside each other, but not much else...
besides their age so..?
Great writing.
Tammy
HOPE...this is a great message...we all have to hold onto hope!
My only suggestion is try to avoid using and, esp. to start off lines or sentences.
In the 1st stanza you do not need the and in the last line.
In stanza 3, line 3...try using For instead of and.
Stanza 4 line 3, try A intsead of and.
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing. Tammy
Thanks for the read! My kids are pre-teens...and I hope I can "HEAR" everything!
Alot of times, unfortunately, this is the case...We(parents, teachers, friends etc...just don't hear the cries of the ones that feel this way!
You describe these feelings well...great way to describe it as mentally dying!
I suffer from depression and can relate to some of these feelings!
Suggestions:
In the first = line I would leave off the periods after I.
In line 5 = you could leave off the comma and the and.
Line 17 = I think you could leave off the comma after broken.
Make sure all your i's are capitalized.
Great poem and you describe these feelings well.
E-mail me if you ever need to talk.
Always, Tammy
I like your poem and it's message.
I agree, it can be hard hiding yourself...your REAL self!!
I can 'see the vibe' that you are portraying.
Suggestions;
I think you should capitalize all your I s.
cant figure (can't)
ive become (I've)
By the way, I like your handle!
Great poem.
Tammy
I like your poem....peaceful place you have here.
I'd like to visit it!!
A few suggestions:
You don't need the comma in the first line
You don't need the and in the 2nd line...I would drop all the ands that you have starting off your lines(lines 2, 4, and 12).
Keep writing. Tammy
Here is the start of your review, as you requested. You said 4 chapters..I only see 2 in your port?
Your main character is very likeable.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Personally, I would indent my paragraphs...it just looks better, and makes it easier on the reader!
My opinions/suggestions:
This is a busy chapter...you have her leaving, the mugging, meeting the guy, thoughts of celebrities and etc.....I think you need to keep to the basis of your story line.
Does the celebrities or the young child and mother on the train really have anything to do with your story.
Your title: Family portrait...you mention the portrait once...then nothing...I think I would add a little more on the portrait to this chapter.
I'll finish the rest as I can!
E-mail me if you have questions.
Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck!
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You use my prompts well!! As I have mentioned to you before...I like the way you leave the reader explanations at the end of your pieces!!!
Very considerate!
These are my favorite lines...very original!!
But these fail to overawe man’s
Fighting spirit, ingenuity.
this ryhme is great...jinnee/destiny!!!
Only opinion/suggestion I have...
Line 2 seems a little awkward...which I'm not much help..finding anything to replace.. but here are a few options:
Sands of time slip all the time.(7)
try
Numbering sands will slip time. (7)
or
Moments will slip all the time(7)
I'm not sure...maybe leave it alone...yet it does seem awkward.
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
Thanks for the read.
I really like the 3 main characters that you have introduced so far.
I like the way you slip in the humor and the sarcasm. Some of your descriptions are very original: I like the following one on Audrey..."Her talent for expressing herself was, in fact, a talent for expressing everything but herself..."
A few suggestions:
my room, and Audrey was my favorite writer, no
(I think it would be better if you had yes Audrey was my favorite writer.)
you’ll be second guessing yourself the entire time;
(I think it would be better if you had a period here to end the sentence.)
battered from being worn out on my sleeve all the (I would leave out...out of this sentence.
Just suggestions. Keep writing.
Email me your additions to this...I'd like to read more on these characters.
Thanks.
Tammy
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A review for a review!! Thanks for the read. Great poem you got here!!
The following 2 lines are creative and unique:
radiant reflections in a lovers' eyes
tender tears that fall immortalized
My suggestions:
I don't think you need the comma in stanza 1 line 2
The last two lines in stanza one... the rhyme is weak:
mood / misunderstood(maybe use misviewed instead of misunderstood)...or something..
Just suggestions.
Keep writing, Tammy
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You title is original. It drew me in.
My opinion and suggestions:
I think your repition....isn't working with your poem:
have heard them all,
heard them all say -
You repeat these lines through out...I don't think you need them.
does it all has to finish (has should be have)
wer't just to live ? what does this mean?
wish to live or die
you know also I'll myself lie...
I think this would sound better ....
wish to live or die
you know also I will lie
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing. Tammy
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Your friend sounds alot like my best friend.
You've captured how a true friend can and
should make one feel!!
I like stanza one the best.
Some suggestions:
That I’m worth much more
That what I’d always thought.(it would sound better if you had Than what I'd always thought)
You proves that I’m not second best(it would sound better if you had ..You prove that I'm not second best)
Keep writing. Tammy
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Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
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Well done; using my first and last word prompts!!
One thing I might change:
Line 12- and set course
TRY- setting course
I love the last 2 lines:
riding the winds of chance
towards our destiny.
Keep writing, Tammy
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