Thanks for the read and the message your poem tells. Wow! I've always wondered why people cut theirselves, your poem gives me some input on this. Your poem shows me how it feels and how it could be an addiciting thing. I guess it's really no different than a drug or alcohol or an eating disorder.
Good luck and keep writing.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. You are right we are all slaves to something. Rather it be hate, lust, jealousy or doubt!
I like how you make and show this comparison. I like your poem and the message.
Some sugggestions:
I would capitalize i through-out.
You need to space after your commas.
Great job.
Keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Your title is appropriate for the poem.
We've all asked these questions after a relationship has ended.
Suggestions:
Why did you let ne fall into this trap?(ne should be me)
Me, wanting things to go back to the way (i don't think you need the comma after me)
Actually you have commas through-out the poem that you don't need.
Try reading the poem aloud with/without the commas. Just suggestions.
Keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like the way you use flowers and their colors in this poem.
Very original and creative!!
In stanza 1 line 3 you need to capitalize i.
This stanza is my favorite:
Therefore,
I shall reject your flower
and leave it to wilt in the hands
of another person,
for you seek love to gain popularity
and receive attention.
Great job.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck!Unique title!! Thanks for a great read! Very original poem!
I like the repitition you have in stanza 2 and 3.
These positive lines are my favorite:
Yet
there is always an oasis
in the desert,
somewhere.
Great job, keep writing.
Tammy
This is good.
You do say alot in these four lines...
yet, I think you need to add to it.
My opinions:
It feels unfinished!
Suggestion:
Need more!
Your first line shows your creativity and I think you could make this an awesome reading..if you finished it.
Just my opinion and suggestions.
Keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for a great read. Your poem is very sad, I can feel the sadness in every word. I like how you say ..i shiver or i cried... and then go onto to explain the emotion itself!
Great job...
was shivering...
the cold air of loneliness embracing me...
longing for the warmth of your presence...
Keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Good morning Dmack
This is a great Easter Haiku!!
It says and portrays all that it needs to...
you packed it all in there very nice and neatly!!
Your message is loud and clear!
Great job.
Keep writing and good luck.
Have a Happy Easter!
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
You have captured the innocence of a young child. Well done!! Great imagery. I can see this little boy, actually, I can see my nephew that died in 1998. He had these exact features. I like the following 4 lines the best...and hope to give my 2 kids the confidence to accept and deal with all lifes lessons.
Regretfully the lesson to hate, in sorrow will arise.
Keeping the love within him as he grows.
Allowing him to understand challenges;
becoming confident in all he does.
Great job. Tammy
Keep writing!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like the story-line/plot.
It needs some work and alot of cleaning.
I'm listing a few of the errors I found.
There are more. You need to proof-read and spell-check this. With some cleaning, it would be a neat little piece!!
I look back on summer break and I never noticed how bad my life go so fast..this is confusing!
Check your spacing it's off through out...Keep the same pattern ...use 2 spaces between paragraphs ...at times you have 1 space and others 2! Also, in places there is spacing in the sentence that shouldn't be there
only a year, apart and my (you do not need this comma after year)
and nieve then. (naive )
in every croud.(crowd)
Destin cam, but he was(came)
A suggestion: You need to stick with the specifics...you jump around alot, I know you are recalling these events...but you jump around too much ...it leaves the reader confused.
Keep writing and good luck. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like your title and the way you end your poem.
Suggestion:
Your first 3 lines..I think you should break them up so they fit better with the rest of the poem and for the flow of the poem..
You could try:
I see him fading.
Going, gone from light.
A snowflake and a teardrop,
palm up they fall onto thee.
Melodies of old whisper harmonic tunes
on the breeze and I dream
Great job. Keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I can feel the sadness and hurt this child feels over their parents divorce. I really like the way you put the child in the middle of this:
And as they parted in between
Lay me at the centre of this scene
Well done!
My opinion:
Using the childs p.o.v. was a good idea and you have captured the way a child would feel very well!!
My suggestions: a few suggestions that I feel would help with the flow of the poem:
Line 3 leave off and
line 13&14 try:
As a lonely onlooker I did stand
While the rings placed on either hand
Overall: GREAT job.
Keep writing and good luck.
Tammy
I thought I'd give a review for the one given.
My opinion:
Great job. I did not notice any errors or typos!!
A little gory there at the end.
Your descriptions are great...I could just see this little boy shivering in terror!
Even though it's a little frustrating, I like the way you leave this...not knowing for sure if the boys paronoid or ....
VERY INTENSE!
Thanks for the read. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Great poem. Cute title! I can feel the love you have for your Granddaughter. Your imagery is right on, I can just see her helping others!!
The rhymes are good and so is the flow.
My opinion:
No changes needed.
Keep writing and good luck. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #945596 by Not Available.
I enjoyed your story. Very emotional/sad story and what a horrible Father!! This poor girl has had to endure so much.
I like your character and the way she is learning and growing from her horrible past!
I didn't notice any errors or typos!
Keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like your story-line. Your story has potential, but needs some work. Just some minor clean-ups.
My suggestions:
(I am mentioning some, there are more. You need to proof-read this.)
how i loved to wake every (capitalize i)
innoscent love for everyone(spelling-innocent)
that i would risk (capitalize i and through out the story you have some I's capitalized and some not...you should capitalize them all...)
to dim witted (try dim-witted)
Sweaty that was temporary,(typo- maybe sweetie?)
Keep writing and good luck. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is sad. Very creative... looking at this from the babies p.o.v.
You have grasped this point of view well.
The following stanza sums it all up:
There they were no more
As light faded from my eyes,
As hope fled before my eyes,
As I lost the home
I had been yearning for.
Thanks for the read. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
The last two lines say it ALL:
But much more would I live with these,
Than live with none at all.
Your poem is good, the flow is on and so are your rhymes! You voice your point of view and your message within a few stanzas. Great job. Keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
Unique poem, I wasn't expecting the groom....
My opinion:
The poem seems so short(to the point) and unfeeling.
example: I am a bride.
My bridegroom waits for me.
(to me, these are statements that don't express anything!!)
Try expanding more on how it feels to be a bride and how the bridegroom is feeling.
Just my sugestion; put more feeling into it!!
Keep writing and good luck. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I'll start off by saying, I'm so sorry for your loss. Even though it's been a while, time doesn't always help. This is well-written and your love and respect for Brian comes through with every word. I could feel your pain. I did not notice any erros. Keep writing...it can be such an outlet!!
Good luck in all you do.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. Great poem. I like the last stanza best:
What was God thinking when he made you?
The wonderful, beautiful person you are.
God was thinking of me.
I didn't expect that...I wasn't for sure where you was taking the questions you were asking our God. Unique poem.
Keep writing and good luck. I didn't notice any errors.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
There's more to come, right?
I want to know what happens and do they get together. I like the main character alot and want to know more about her!! I only noticed one error:
He eyes panicked, then (should be his)
Great job. Keep writing and good luck. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
For a first attempt, it's not bad. I like the content and your presentation of it. With the first read, I notice you have the word and...alot!
Some Suggestions:
He sat alone upon the bench unnoticed by the world.
He sat and watched the people pass,
Maybe try this:
He sat alone on the bench unnoticed by the world
He sat watching the people pass
Stanza 1: line 3 try...wondering where they went
line 5 try...you don't need this and
This applies to rest of the stanzas!!
Just some ideas.
Overall: Great first attempt. Keep writing and good luck.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for stopping in for a review.
Your story has potential and I like the plot of deception you are writing on!!
My opinion and suggestions:
The one thing I notice is you have too many different subjects ..you jump around and it makes the reading a little difficult. You go from the bar.. to smoking to the factory...its too much. You need to stick to your characters, your plot line and get rid of all the words that are not needed.
Writing short stories is hard...I've just started writing them...and I've edited one of mine atleast 12 times if not more!!! I do just the opposite..I don't put in enough information.
Anyway, overall your story has potential, it just needs a little cleaning.
To me this is the main thing you are talking about.
These lines sum it up:
I thought back over the past five years. After all of the clubs and after all our efforts at deception, excellent deceptions which fooled many bright women, we imagined we were attorneys. In those instances we almost believed it ourselves.
Stick with this and the what, when, hows etc... (the pertinent things only)...and I think it would be better.
Good luck and keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Nice poem, the imagery is right on. I could see her dancing!! I like how you use the nature comparisons:
the sun on her face ; and the rain in her feet. The last stanza is my favorite.
My opinion: No changes needed. I give it 5 stars. Great job. Poems like this... is why I like to review....I learn so much from my reviews.
Keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tm_lvn_nurse/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/42
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.47 seconds at 5:35pm on Jul 08, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
