Thanks for posting this for a review.
This is a such a postitive read. Fantasy is not usually my genre, but I enjoyed this.
It flows very well and I like the ending.
I only noticed one typo:
. Filling a bowl with stew, she carried
(you do not need the period at the beginning)
Keep writing.
tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like your poem of unrequited love. You show the friendship growing. Well done.
My opinions/suggestions:
But I went to far, (should be too far)
I think you need to read this aloud...pausing where you have all your commas...note this really makes for a choppy read. Just a little work on the flow and you'll have a great poem.
aLways, Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like your poem, it's deep. I think, if honest, most people can identify with this, I feel that at some point, most of us have felt lost. You describe this very well. I like the comparison you show to the forest and the seasons..to the mind and emotions.
Do you intentionally have it all capitalized..are you meaning to holler this?
Great job.
Keep writing.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for posting this for a review. Your short poem says SO much. I can reallly identify with this at times!~Relationships can be so hard; especially with- out communications. You express this very well. I am sorry...I don't have any suggestions...well maybe one...IF you wanted more on this piece...you could elaborate more on the relationship. For me, this stands WELL by itself though!! Also, you don't need the last line in parenthesis!
Always, Tammy
I love your title and the concept of your story. Your 2 main characters are likable.
My opinions/suggestions:
You need to work a little on the story-line; you are missing some key elements to the story; and you need to proof-read this and clean it up a little.
I think with a little cleaning and some elaboration on some areas you will have a great story!
You briefly mention the main characters kids...by rape..did this happen once and she had twins OR ....?
(You need more on this.)
love you once. as each day of distance (you need to capitalize as...new sentence.)
"please slow down you're going too fast," (You need to capitalize please.
Aaron sighted(is this supposed to be Aaron sighed.?)
her limit. and she was wearing (you do not need a period after limit)
Who is Eli..you bring this character into the story with out telling us who he is...?
(Need a little more on this character.)
What aaron didnt' know was (capitalize Aaron..and didnt' should be didn't)
through the oxygent that was around (spelling/typo: oxygent=oxygen)
"all you had to do was say that before and I would have been there in a heartbeat," aaron told her. (You need to capitalize All and Aaron.)
I am a little confused at why she will be in the hospital every month.(Add more on this.)
This story has alot of potential! If you add to it, email me the changes.
Thanks for posting this in my review forum.
Great article or prose or whatever you want to call it. I enjoyed reading this...actually, after I started, I couldn't have stopped if I wanted to. Your threads you talk of reached out and pulled me in. Using threads in comparisons of emotions...very unique idea! Your reflections on each thread/emotion are all heartfelt. I like the way you end up at wisdom...to me this is saying we all see and go through so much...if we learn from these things then we become a better person.
The only part I might change is the following sentence:
and heard it call my name in a voice so full of love and hope and joy and peace completely ( I would make this ....so full of love, hope, joy and peace....)
Thanks for the inspirational read.
Tammy
Unique poem. Comfort from a bunny!! My favorite line is when you realize you have part of her that he will never have!
My suggestions:
Go back and add punctuation or remove the 3 periods you have. I think it's best to do one or the other.
If you are going to use punctuation...in line 11...you have a big space between cold.....Very cold.
I think it would make more of an impact if you had a period after the first cold.
Keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Great poem. The ryhme and the flow work well togehter.
Your poem is short and to the pooint but it packs a story with a great message. Sad message...but we all tend to care TOO much about what others think and say!
I see no room for any changes except maybe a better title...Alone is used a lot..maybe a new title that will draw the reader in. Keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
{bitem:962569 }
Great title and content. Very unique poem. I like the ending the best. The last line itself leaves such an impact. It says so much...
I wouldn't change a thing.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
My opinion/suggestions:
This is a great prayer. You sum it up very well. Thanks for the read.
Line 7 you have a comma...the only punctuation through-out the poem. Suggest: remove the comma or go back and put punctuation where needed.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
Unique poem you got here. Most of your rhymes are good. The read is off...read your poem aloud and you'll see there are a few spots that makes the reader stumble. Some small changes would help this.
EX:
Stanza 2 lines 3&4...
I've sacraficed enough for you
No more tears will be shed for you
Try changing line 4 to =
I've sacraficed enough for you
No more tears will I shed for you
Stanza 4:
Couldn't you see that I loved you
I loved your eyes, so tragically blue
I stare at the mirror, and I see you
Finally I turn back, realizing we're through
TRY:
Couldn't you see I loved you
I still see your eyes so tragically blue
I stare at the mirror seeing you
I turn back realizing we're through
Or something like this!
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. Your poem tells a very sad story. I've witnessed an accident and it's really hard. You've captured the intensity of it well.
My only suggestions:
I think you have a great poem and you need a great title...Something more appealing that will draw the reader in.
I think you need to work on the overall flow of the poem.
EX: your first 4 lines could be combined into two...to help with the flow...
A little red Ford Festiva
A black Mercury Monarch
When they collided it was like
watching a slow dance.
TRY:
A little red Ford Festiva meets a black Mercury Monarch
When they collided it was like watching a slow dance.
There are a few more places like this that you could combine so that it flows with the rest of the poem.
Any questions, e-mail me.
Always, Tammy
Sad poem you got here.
My opinion/suggestions:
I think you need to expand a little on why this girl feels the need to do this. Maybe if you did this it would make this poem more yours....there are alot of suicide poems that sound alot like this. You need to personalize your poem a little.
TYPO:
WHere did it start(the h doesn't need to be capitalized....also you need a question mark after start)
Keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck. WOW!! This tells a story of a love gone wrong. Age-old story... with your touch ...well-done. Your title is good and appropriate. The rhymes are good and so is the flow. I found no errors or typos.
Keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I want to start off by saying you have an awesome castle...port! All your folders are great/unique and draw the reader in!
I like this poem...dreams they're always right there on the tip of your thoughts...we just just can't remember them!
You capture these thoughts well.
Keep writing.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #945596 by Not Available.
I enjoyed reading your piece on pondering.
You make some valid points...that will leave me to ponder!
Neat thoughts you present! Unique examples!
Only error I found:
skunk wouldn't have squirt me if I would have just (squirt should be squirted)
Keep writing, Tammy
Great title, it drew me in. Very original poem. Your poem leaves so much to the imagination! It's erotic done in taste. Well-done. I think the first stanza is really good...its unusual 'his footsteps on the wood' You really make this poem your own!! Thanks for the read.
Always, Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a neat little short story. Very unusual/original.
My opinions/suggestions:
I think you need to show more on what the mirror sees. It's in the reception area, the should be alot of people going by...maybe you should tell about some of the things the mirror actually sees. The 5th paragraph states something about reflecting so it can't see...which doesn't make sense with the rest of the story ..and in it's palce you could mention what the mirror watches.
Just a few suggestions. I didn't notice any error or typos. Very well-written.
Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is creative! Great way to get exposure for your other poem: Ode to Everything!
I like your humor. This is a cute poem. I'm sure the 'cute' makes you cringe! My opinion!!
I like your writing style it's like you are talking straight to me! Well-done. Ok, I'm going to read the 'real' poem now!!
Keep writing. Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Hi Nick,
You end this poem well. The last stanza is good.
My opinion/suggestions:
Title= needs work. This is the first thing the reader sees...Falling is used often..I think you need a more original title; one that will really draw the reader in.
I noticed this poem and a few others in your port have no R/R's...you need to expose your poems...enter them in contest and/or plug them onto The Plug Page or Request Review page!
The flow/read of the poem is off in a few places.
EX:
Everyone falls.
You can only stay up so long.
And when the end calls
Will the world realize it’s wrong?
TRY:
Everyone stumbles and falls.
You can only stay up so long.
When you hear the final calls
Will the world realize it is wrong?
Or something like this...try reading your poem aloud and check for pauses, run-ons, awkward spots etc..
All just some suggestions.
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a great little story. I like the humor you give the 2 main characters. I like the ending.
A few errors/typos:
Well be there soon enough(Well should be We'll)
Were here(Were should be we're)
But, If I see (if does not need to be capitalized)
Keep writing.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #945596 by Not Available.
I'll be honest; sci-fi is not a genre I'm well associated it with!!
The imagery is good. Your descriptions are great. I could see the city your character was walking in. I realize this is in the future but I'm still a little confused over parts of your story and at where your character went..I think he is looking for protection. I think you need to explain a little more as you go. All the em-chip talk is confusing.
Your story seems like it is going to be a good story and it is interesting so far.
Good luck and keep writing.
Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #945596 by Not Available.
My opinions/suggestions:
Overall: I like your poem and the story it tells. In places you seem so technical. With poetry I like it to have more of a flow and to be an easy read.
Example:
I sit sullen; With brooding eyes, out of the window I stare
Where you have the semicolon and the comma this
causes the reader to pause. Read this aloud with the pauses and see how choppy the read is.
Stanza 4 line 3: Capitalize your i.
Great poem.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Well, that's not what I was expecting.
Your title is original.
Another great story here.
Regarding your question:
I have to say this is tragedy not an
insirational piece.
My only suggestion:
At the start maybe expand a little
on the relationship that these
two had. Showing him...maybe...of being
dependenton on her. Show the depth of their
or his love. Just a few suggestions.
Great story.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tm_lvn_nurse/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/39
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.48 seconds at 4:11pm on Jul 05, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
