Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck!
AWESOME title. The following stanza sums it all up! This is a player!!
But then players only love you
While they want to play
So shallow words they speak
When they want a lay
My opinion/suggestions:
line 8-And other girls there are
try: Knowing other girls there are
line 20- I would leave off when.
Just suggestions.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Great poem. Very sad poem. You show time passing with your dreams failing!
Unfortunately, things never end up as we IMAGINE!!
Only change I would make:
In stanza 2 line 11:
And how I used to shine
TRY:
My ability to shine
Keep writing.
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Thanks for posting this for a review.
I like your story and the way you have attempted to write this.
Towards the end we find out that.... "whole life was playing out in his mind," which is a neat way to tell the story, but I think you skip too much...it leaves alot of questions.
My opinion/ suggestion:
It needs some cleaning.
You need more details.
Here are a few things:
had only know the outcome just(know should be known)
the call was to strong to ignore(the first to should be too)
...would he change his mind, he didnt think he would (you don't need the ...before would...you need to capitalize would and you need a question mark after mind. Start the next sentence with He didn't...)
You start off a couple of your sentences with...(you don't need these... at the front of your sentences)
after he joined the academy, Landing in there spacecraft(landing does not need to be capitalized ..there should be their)
I think this will be a unique story with just a little cleaning.
keep writing.
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Great title. I can identify with some of this. Especially this stanza:
I am the girl
with a heart cloaked with thorns,
pricking anyone who comes close,
thinking I will get torn.
I, too,(at times) wear a tough exterior for these reasons.
Suggestion: All will help with the flow of the poem.
line 2
who calls your name
TRY:
Calling your name
line 6
with the cold, crooked fingers,
(this line makes the "girl" seem like an old woman...)
TRY:
with grasping fingers
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing.
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I like this. A goodbye...nicely put...to the divorced wife! Very original poem.
My opinions and suggestions.
I think you need to break these lines up in to some stanzas....for more of a formed poem.
With your first 3 lines.. see my example below....a few of your words have been deleted and/or changed...
EXAMPLE:
Farewell; those tears are yours to fake.
No masquerade or silence for love’s sake.
Take our home, it’s yours to plunder.
Your trophy for the battles won,
tokens of gratitude for a new life begun.
gREAT POEM!
Just suggestions. Any questions..just e-mail me.
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Great poem. I like the title. Your rhymes are good.
My opinions/ suggestions: (all will help with the flow)
Line 2
And I can’t take back every wrong thing that I’ve done in the past
TRY:
I can’t take back the wrong that I’ve done in the past
Line4..you don't need the but.
Line 6
I felt my heart break down the center and I watched the phone fall
TRY:
I felt my heart break as I watched the phone fall
liNE 7
My body crumbled out of my own control
TRY:
My body crumbled as I lost control
Line 8...cut the and at the start of the line
Line 12...cut the and at..and use so at the start..
Lines 13, 15, 17....cut the ands...you don't need any of them.
All just suggestions.
Keep writing.
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I enjoyed the way you've told your story. It's very inspirational. You sound like a great mother who has raised an awesome son!!
My opinions/suggestions:
even tempered with a smile that made (I'd make it even-tempered.)
sugarcoated(a space bertween these words or sugar-coated)
Reluctantly I agreed because the park(a comma after reluctantly)
Keep writing.
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Great title. It draws in the reader. I like your story. Unfortunately, I can identify with parts of it....'I needed to have my life validated so'...this part especially...What is with women....why do we think a man can do this??
My opinions/suggestions:
I didn’t fall in love I walked calmly (I would put a ; after love...just for impact.)
But now as I look back I see the contempt(a comma after back)
Now I pity myself(a comma after now)
These are wonderful lines:
"... has successfully ground my heart, soul and spirit into a fine powdery dust, I’m leaving before the wind begins to blow..."
Keep writing and good luck.
Tammy
I'm sorry for your loss. I can feel the love you have for your Mom. I know these feelings well. I lost my Mom in Dec.
These 2 lines are my favorite...they say so much.
Her calm, beautiful presence still hanging in the air
Providing false hope of her steps around the corner.
Great job. Keep writing...it can be such an outlet.
Always, Tammy
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Thank you for the read.
I love your story. The title is good. The suspense kept me reading straight to the end. Your descriptions are great...I like the 'inky black water '...
I read over half the story before I could even begin to kind of figure out were they where...which is good with this kind of story.
A couple typos:
told you, you son-of-bitch!” She was hysterically. “I told you ( is this.. She was hysterical or was hollering hysterically??)
“You want to drowned us again( just drown)
Again, thanks for the read.
Always, Tammy
This is a great story. I love the title.
I like your writing style.
I hope to one day be able to write and tell a story.. like you have done. This is very well-written. You brought tears to my eyes on more than one part. All the characters are likable and believable.
Thanks for the read.
Keep writing.
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Your sense of humor is wonderful!!
"..as my bottom touched the ground,
those parts began to shrink.... "
THIS is great. I actually was laughing out loud.
My neighbors probably think I'm going crazy...since I'm home alone!
You make me want to try my hand at writing comedy...which I've never had any luck with.
Great poem.
Tammy
Thanks for the laugh. That was good!
I love the way you write this from the
Yams p.o.v. The ending was cute...
well sad for the Yams.
My favorite part is why the Seniors like yams.
I didn't notice any typos or erros.
Great job.
Keep writing.
Keep the humor.
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Chapter 4
Is a great chapter as far as punctuation and typos!
I found none!
I love the ending and how you bring it to the "Family Portrait."
My only suggestion:
Chapter 4
Leaves me asking alot of questions.....
I think you skipped way too much time...you do explain some of it, but..maybe a few more chapters in between 3 and 4.
Keep writing.
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Chapter3
First I notice you haven't got any r/r s on your chapters/story...You should post these on the Review Request page and the Plug page. You could also take these and post them into some of the review forums and ask them to give you public reviews!!
My suggestions:
For clarification...I think at the beggining you need a little about where you are and maybe a little on the counselor.
You just jump right in to talking to her...
I’m going over my Aunt Callie’s house.”(you need..to ..after over)
“
It’s okay, Mara,” she said consolingly(fix the " mark here)
Keep writing.
Tammy
Chapter 2
Your story is going good. Sorry it took me awhile to get back to these chapters.
Your dialogue is good and easy to read.
Suggestions:
Paragraph 1...I think you shoukld re-write..your descriptions of everyone runs together . Also check the punctuation..(Philadelphia, and. There was)
little boy answered the door. Mara recognized him immediately. It was Kyle, her ten-year-old little brother.
“Is your Aunt Callie home?”(wouldn't this be Mara's aunt to....you don't need the YOUR in front of Aunt)
Keep writing.
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #945596 by Not Available.
I like your title and it's very appropriate for your story. I hope I'm getting the story right: The Son has run away and he thinks his Mom(who beat him the day before) and their village are celebrating him being gone so he lays waiting in the desert until the Sun will take him away(kill him.)
If my perception of this is wrong please email me and let me know.
Based on my perception..It's a neat and unique story. I din't notice any error or typos.
You have this story through the Sons p.o.v. and at times some of his thoughts seem very grown up! You might want to read you story over and think about that. Example: "How horrible to be denied the love of a mother." You never mention the Sons age but this doesn't sound like a childs thought. There are a few areas that I question it being a child.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Cute story. I didn't notice any typos or errors.
My opinion/suggestions:
I think it needs a little more.
Maybe a little more about the drive; more on your uncle and your feelings. More on the services, etc...
Just some suggestions. Keep writing...I've enjoyed your port!!
Tammy
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This is a nice tribute to your
friend/Gaurdian Angel.
Good that you had them there
through your hard times.
My opinions/suggestions:
line 1- you don't need the comma after angel
line 3/4
You've stayed through all the twists and turns
of my roller-coaster life.
TRY:
You've stayed beside me
On my roller-coaster life
lines 7/8
you'd stroke your fingers through my hair
and speak of better years.
TRY:
Running fingers through my hair
You'd speak of better years.
line 15
You picked me up and put me under your wing,
TRY:
You'd place me under your wings,
Keep writing.
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This is a great tribute to your daughter!
You show your love and pride for her very well!
The only thing I noticed:
In the last line..
without greive, without you
(spelling = grieve...actually, I think it would sound better if you used grief.)
Keep writing. Tammy
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Thanks for the read!
I love baseball...but on a young level.
Both my kids play; I can sit through their whole game with out ANY problems!!
Your last 2 sentences sums the wole thing up for me!
Only suggestion I have;
we’d play{/} baseball; in (I dont' think you need (/) after baseball)
Keep writing.
Tammy
GREAT title! Thanks for the read.
I like how you have the note at the top..with a little explanation!
This does capture how depression works... .."almost forget this place. Then it ensnares me again." and " It starts to taunt you. Chanting..."
Your descriptions are perfect!
It tends to wait until you're weak; then it jumps you and "ensnares" you! Your description is perfect!
Thanks.
Tammy
This is a great poem.
Your last stanza sums it all up.
I agree that material things can never
compare to everlasting life!
I like the last lines the best:
I have something better than those who prize things,
I will live eternally, wearing my wings.
Well said.
Tammy
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