Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. You pack a big message in this short story. Your imagery is good...myabe too good...not a sight one wants to see. Much less the child that lives it. I think you could take this story further; there are a few directions you could take it. Maybe show why they are in that predicament and where they go from there, what does the child take away from living like that. Does it make her a better person or maybe it leads her down the wrong path...
I like what you have here, I think you should elaborate on your story.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
I love the message behind your short story. Your last line is good. Your imagery is good and so are your comparisons.
My only suggestions: Slow the pace, the story seems rushed. Expand in your title, be creative. Come up with a title that will draw your readers in.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
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Great story, with an even greater message.
To slip away, go fishing, take a hot bath or a long walk...lives little saviors!
You capture the going away very well. Your story flows well, I didn't notice any typos or errors. Great job.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. I like the title. I love the ending...well-said!
A few suggestions:
covers it with a singular, whole, beauty(you do not need the comma after whole)
My enemies are there, in amongst it, but this fact (I think it would sound better if you cut the in ...in front of amongst.
All just some suggestions.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
I love your title! Well, I'm sure most will be able to identify with this...many a times... I am that woman you describe soo well! We've all been at the end of our rope. You express it very well.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
I like your poem, and can identify with these feelings.
A few suggestions:
Title..is appropriate but you could be more creative with it.
The flow... The first stanza doesn't flow well.
Especially lines 1 & 2:
I find life very lonely
I find it harsh and cruel
The rest of the stanzas flow better and show emotions: the blindness...the fear...your heart shrivels..these are all very expressive!
lines 1 &2 are more straight to the point and show no expressions.
You need to add a period to the last line.
All just suggestions. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
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Who hasn't sit in silence afraid to speak their voice!
You sit this scene very well. I like the rhyming pattern that you have in this poem. I like the line on silence being a distraction. Great poem. Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck.
Great tribute to a loved one that's passed. I like the last stanza the best , it sums it all up. You express these feelings well.
A few suggestions:
You have punctuation in a couple of places but you don't punctuate through-out. I think that you should do one or the other.
In this silence I cant break(can't)
Always, Tammy
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Welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy it here. I really like your poem. The comparison you make to your relationship problems and the dirty dishes is very unique. You make it work really well. You stick to the poetry form good.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
I like the plot and I like your characters. Your dialogue is good and easy to follow. Your descriptions are good; you could use more!
I think you need to proof read this. I think you have too many commas. Here are a few that I do not think you need:
twenty five years ago, the girl was born, and her parents (You do not need the one after born.)
It was winter time, and the days were shorter.
(don't need)
He screamed, and then he ran, into the woods(You do not need these..also cut the words then he :
He screamed and ran into the woods)THis just makes it easier to read..it flows better.
All just some suggestions.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy it here. I like your story so far, you end it with room to go on while leaving the reader wanting more. Well-done.I like your character and her sense of humor. This is all I know about her; I think you need more details on her...let the reader get to know her better. I didn't notice any errors or typos.
Great start. Keep writing. Always, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: I like your story-line; I think you need to expand a little on your story.
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: First of all, this is not believable that 5 four year-olds would sneak out of the house early one morning and go to the mountains....your characters should be at least 7-9 years old. You introduce the narrator and 4 others...I know thier names...this is all I know of your characters. Need more descriptions. You start off well with describing the land then it's all rushed from there.
TITLE: Is appropriate but could be better and more unique. A title is really important; it is what draws the readers in.
ERROR/TYPOS: I didn't notice any!!
Just my suggestions...expand more and give us more details. Your story-line is unique you just need to add to it. Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck. Neat story, but I was left with a few questions.
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: Your story read well and is presented well. The paragraphs are spaced well, your dialogue is good. Just a few questions...which I understand you had to watch your word count for this when you originally worte it....but
Questions: Who is this guy calling...how does he have her number...why kill them???
TITLE: I like it!
ERROR/TYPOS: No errors or typos noticed.
Just clear it up a little and you'd have a great story. Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: Thank you for the read. Great story. Thanks for entering you story in my monthly contest and good luck.
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: I think your story is well told. The characters are likable and believable. Your dialogue is good, and the story flows very well.
TITLE: Is appropriate, could be better.
ERROR/TYPOS: I didn't find any!
Great story! Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: Thanks for entering your story in my monthly contes. WOW...I'm speechless for a change. Very intense sad read!!
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: Well-done! No suggestions for improvement. The story flows well, the emotions are good, I like your character and can feel her loss and pain.
TITLE: Could be a little better, you have a great story ...you need a good title to draw the reader in.
ERROR/TYPOS: I did not notice any!
Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: Thanks for entering this in my monthly contest and good luck. I like the start of your story.
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: In places you seem very technical, making the flow of the read to be off.
Example;The women went to the young boy whose name is Seifer.
(women should be woman)(this sentence is to the point and almost cold....try: The woman went over to her son, Seifer}
TITLE: Is appropriate. Could be more unique.
ERROR/TYPOS: we were slowly beginning to drift apart from each other those. (is those supposed to be though??)
When we were a little way from where we just were, (this is an awkward read...maybe After running a little ways.....)
Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: Thank you for the read. This is such a pretty poem. It hits home to anyone who has lost a loved one. It flows well. Your rhymes are good and I like the repitition you have.
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Only one:
And covers all the traces
TRY: Covering all the traces
TITLE: Is appropriate and it drew me in.
ERROR/TYPOS: none
Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: I like the subject you are writing on. Your rhymes are all good. It reads easy. As always, I like the info you give on your poems at the end of them.
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: When reading this aloud...I stumble on lines 3 and 17. They both seem forced for the rhyme. The only suggestions I have changes the rhymes...
TITLE: Is appropriate.
ERROR/TYPOS: I did not notice any typos or errors!!
Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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Thanks for leaving this for a review in my review forum. Neat story with a great twist. I found no errors or typos. This is not my genre...but I did enjoy your story. Your character was likable, the story line was followable. I was left with no questions. Great job.
Keep writing.
Tammy
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So far so good. You start the story right of as exciting...I'm sure as I read all my questions that I have so far will be answered...if not I'll let you know!
One error I found:
doctor’s statement on your moth... About the (is this supposed to be mouth)
Always, Tammy
Cool story. Very wicked lady, your main character. I do like her though. At times, I even feel sorry for her.
My favorite part is this:
“I wouldn’t eat them though, I’m not crazy.
"I'm not crazy!".....yeah.
Well done. I didn't notice any error or typos.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Your short poem says so much. I can feel your pain and doubt. You do have a way with your words.
My opinions/suggestions:
Your flow is off in places; one way to check this is to read your poem aloud and see where and what causes you to stumble.
Line 2 is off
hoping the pain will escape with them
TRY:(to help with the flow)
hoping the pain will escape
Overall: GREAT poem.
Keep writing.
Tammy
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Thanks for the read. Thanks for posting this for a review. Great title...very fitting! This story flows very well. I didn't notice any typos or error. It was kind of suspenseful...and a little mysterious. I had to read straight through to the end. Well done.
Tammy
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Thanks for posting this in my review forum.
I like your title. The first part shows one sad/lonely individual. Who perhaps had too much time on his hand for thinking...
I can tell towards the end the attitude is changing some. Great acrostic poem, your loves comes through on each line. Over-all this piec is very well-written. Great job.
Keep writing and loving.
Alwyas, Tammy
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