My Overall impression: I'm not quite sure where you are going with this. At times it seems like you are breaking down the bible in to your own words. At times you repeat yourself, just re-wording it a little. You lost me through-out and I had to keep re-reading certain areas. Suggestions/Errors:
para 3 you have=The insects produced the fruit of insects, and the frogs produced the fruit of frogs, and the platypuses produced the fruit of platyuses..
next sentence =All the animals came together in pairs and each pair produced fruit according to its kind(this says the same thing~~this sentence is all that you need to get your point across.)
The Lord God had said that the serpents could eat the fruit of any tree, and were not animals trees in the same way as trees were trees.(repeating self here and throguht out.)
Adam was mother to her offspring, (Adam-mother??)
Check you spacing, in some places you space once between paras and in others you don't. I'd do one or the other.
All just my opinions and suggestions. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: I can feel your love and pride for your 'geeky' little brother. I like that you put yourself in his place and wrote this. Suggestions/Errors: Did you let him read it? If not, you should!
You use some punctuation, a question mark here and there, I think you should go in and finish putting punctuation where it is needed. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I enjoyed your poem. It flows well and I like the rhymes that you use. Your poem is slightly erotic and very romantic! Thanks for the read. I did not notice any typos or errors. Very well-done! Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
This is a great poem. I like the thoughts you share about your love. I could feel the love you hold for this special someone.
My only suggestion is to remove the period in the first line OR go back in and put punctuation every where else.
It's your choice on using punctuation or not using it, but I think you should do one or the other.
I think this free-style poem would do best without punctuation.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
HI there, your other poem intruiqued me SO I thought I'd check out your port.
The first thing I notice is your bio~~~that could be any one of us authors here...expand on that bio and introduce yourself!!
Second, in your intro for this you say it is a book for poems, but this isn't a book item it's a static item~~I'd change that and introduce this poem briefly and say what it's about.
I really like this poem, the title is good and appropriate. It tells a sad story. I think you need to clean your poem up a little. This could be a great poem with some cleaning.
MY suggestions:
I noticed a few errors:
Im standing on a corner holding,
my mother hand worried about,
were we are going to sleep tonight.
TRY:
I'm standing on a corner holding
my mother's hand worried about
where we are going to sleep tonight.
We have no family were all alone and,
my fathers a deadbeat who probably
forgot that I was even born.
TRY:
We have no family we're all alone.
My father's a dead-beat who probably
forgot that I was even born.
While other kids go to school to learn,
I go to school for the free lunch served
TRY:
While other kids go to school to learn,
I go to school for the free lunches served
Teacher’s wonder why I'm so stressed out,
You would be to if you might have to sleep
on the street tonight.
TRY:
Teacher wonder why I'm so stressed out,
You would be to if you had to sleep
on the street tonight.
My mother is trying the best she can,
to find a job and a place to stay
but, the doors keep getting slammed
in her face.
TRY:
My mother is trying the best she can
to find a job and a place to stay.
All the doors keep getting slammed
in her face.
one thing that keeps her spirit's high, is
that she still me and that’s
something money cannot buy.
TRY:
one thing that keeps her spirits high,
is that she still has me and our love.
That’s something money cannot buy.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
I think you have a good start to what could be a great poem.
I think overall the flow needs to be worked on and you need to expand some. Right now the poem does not stand alone without your introduction. You need to incorporate what you tell us in the intro into the poem itself.
To help with the read/flow of the poem:
EX:
I am an Amputee
who feels the ghost of her Severed Self
TRY:
I am an Amputee
feeling the ghost
of her Severed Self
Stopped
only your Electricity can resuscitate it
TRY:
Stopped only you
can resuscitate it
Just a few suggestions.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" and good luck.
Your title is appropriate. I enjoyed your short-story, a very positive read. We all have fears to conquer. I like your description of the public pool.
Suugestions: I think you could add a couple of lines regarding her fears...make us readers FEEL her fear more. This would add to her accomplishment at the end ~when she faces her fears.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
This is a great tribute. You capture her spirit very well. You show us readers exactly what she gives to you. Well-done. I like these lines, they are very unique:
Refusing to be a sheep
in the pen built by expectation Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
This sounds like a great contest with some easy rules to follow. Good luck with it.
A few suggestions:
Liven up your forum: use some color and emoticons~~ utilize the writing MLs here!
All genres excepted except erotica. (I'd change this to: All genres except erotica.)
Here is a donation for your contest.
Always, Tammy
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Hi, my name is Tammy and I'm one of your Mom's friends here, she asked me to review you.
Welcome to the site. Be sure and check out my contest for newbies"THE DROP-OFF BOX " .
Your poem tells quite a story. A sad story. I can identify with parts of it, I have suffered with depression for many years.
A few suggestions:
I think you should go in and add punctuation through-out your poem. You have it in places but need to put it through-out.
line 3 is a little awkward:
Why do every night I lie in bed and pray
TRY:
Why every night do I lie in bed and pray
Until I looked up and saw a person with wings and I realized it was an angel who was here to bring me new things
TRY:
Until I looked up and saw a person with wings
I realized it was an angel here to bring me new things
Just a few suggestions. Keep writing. I hope you enjoy your time here. Need anything or have questions email me.
Later, Tammy
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.
Good luck. Unique story you got here. The past meets the present. You do well with them keeping in their time, with speech and all. Most of this is done in dialogue, which can be hard. Good job.
My suggestions:
Proofread this, ~check your capitalization...when starting new dialogue/new sentence you need to capitalize it. I don't think some of the graphic noises you have should be in the punctuation.
keep writing.
Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. My Overall impression: These are some deep thoughts. I agree with them. Your title is appropriate. Suggestions/Errors:
I think at times you use some big wording that isn't necessary.
typos:
his deformed past pervaded his every thought and so the future could only ever be undernourished. (capitalize his)
the only potential reality was immediately now... and that was already over. (capitalize the) Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: For a first attempt, this is very good.
The first stanza is unique, you set your poem up well. I like that you don't use punctuation, your poem works well without it.
It needs a better title. Suggestions/Errors: New title, this one is used often, you need a title that will draw your readers in. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. My Overall impression: I'm not sure your age, but from experince just know friends come and go. And that it's okay to have different interest, you just have to support each other in them. If you find one or two really good friends in your lifetime you are doing good!! Suggestions/Errors: Overall, I think yo need to proof-read this, it needs to be cleaned up. Here are a few things I noticed:
Not everyone knows what BF means, you may want to write it out.
There was once a time though, that I had many good friends, and spent many wonderful hours spending time with them, and having fun.
TRY:(very awkward read)
There was once a time when I had good friends. I spent many wonderful hours with them having fun.
We did all the things that normal suburban children would do(I'd cut would=We did all the things that normal suburban children do. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Hi, a review for a review. This is a great tribute to your daughters birth. You tell your story well, I did not notice any typos or erros. I'm a nurse but not in this field~~ but I think it's just bag of water not bags...?? I maybe wrong~~
I can feel your love for your daughter with every word that you wrote.
Thanks for sharing this. Welcome back to the site and have fun. Check out my contest for newbies, "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
Always, Tammy
Great poem, I loved it! The read/flow is really good. I love the wording in places.
these lines are unique:
Close the door
I can’t bear the talking
Walking in circles
Tears drop
and
My head bursts
With the tension
Of living.
I think we are all looking for this:
To find a place
Where my mind
Can’t race
To conclusions I don’t
Want to face
ALL very well-said! I really don't have any suggestions, you say this very well.
Tammy
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Hi again, hope you don't mind me raiding your port. Welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy yourself here. Check out my contest that I run for Newbies,"THE DROP-OFF BOX " .
This is a good poem with a great message. I love the way you end this.
Suggestion:
In line 9 I think you should capitalize God.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "My Weekly Contest". Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I too love a good cry in the rain. You describe this good~your emotions come throguh very well. My opinion/suggestions:
Fix your spacing in stanza one, line one.
Overall, I think you need to focus more on the flow of this poem. After you write a poem, always read it aloud and see how it flows. Here are a couple of things that would help with the flow:
The rain pours down outside my window but also inside me
this reads a little awkward~
MAYBE:
The rain pours down my window and my soul
But the disappointment stays, crashing like thunder,
And a tear slips out of my reddened eye.
MAYBE:
Disappointment stays, crashing like thunder,
As a tear slips from my reddened eye.
All just suggestions. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
I enjoyed reading your story, I felt let down with the ending. This story doesn't feel completed. I was left with questions.
You start off really strong, making some very unique comparisons and your imagery is good. Suggestions/Errors:
The fog and mist still lingered in the air, waiting to blown away.(I think you need be after to.)
The questions that I was left with; who are you talking about meeting?, and what did they leave except the smell?? You write "Out it came." WHAT came?
I think if you add a little to your story, and clear up some of the questions that it leaves~~this would be a great story.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "My Weekly Contest". Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
A very romantic poem for your girl. My opinion/suggestions:
You need a title that will draw your readers in, this one is used frequently.
Your first three stanzas have ending rhymes, then you lose it~~I think you should stick to the pattern you start.
Overall, I think you need to work on the flow of the poem.
EX:
If there was something I could give, if just for a little while.
I'd give it without hesitation, just to see your smile.
TRY:
If I could give you something, even for a while.
I'd give without hesitation, just to see your smile.
With a few little changes, and finding the pattern you want to stick with~~ I'd think this would be a great tribute/poem to your lover.
Any questions, e-mail me. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "My Weekly Contest". Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I like what you have so far, but I think you need more. Great start. My opinion/suggestions: EXPAND, I think you need to take thess thoughts further. Your first 2 lines are awesome~I love the comparison you make.
I think you need a more unique title, one that will draw your readers in.
WHat you have so far is unique and well-written, with a few additions I think you'd have an awesome poem. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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Welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy your time here.
WOW, that was one intense read. I enjoyed your story. Your characters are likable and the plot is believable. I did not notice any typos or errors. Very well-done! Keep writing.
Always, tammy
My Overall impression: I enjoyed your trip back to childhood.
I've been there, I have one too that sticks out!
I think I may have did the same thing if I was your grandma!! Suggestions/Errors: I did not notice any typos or errors. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #945596 by Not Available.
Overall: I like your plot and think it could be a very unique story. You need to work on the flow of your story, it is confusing at times.
My opinions/suggestions:
stoic exterior: some movement of emotion to protrude from the inner processions of his soul. (I'd make this a period and capitalize Some.)
After that I will be done my degree and free to go where ever desire (You need with after done.)
'...the accident and the immobilization, the bed in which his corpse lay…synthetically breathing.'(This para is confusing, it seems like it's your lover in the hospital, not your father.)
In places it is hard to tell whom you talk of, maybe clarify that more. You could try putting your thoughts of your father in italics.
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing. Always, tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" . Good luck. I loved your story, you tell it in an intense way. You made me feel all the emotions that your main character felt!
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: ONE TYPO: I believe that now there is aso a bluebird formed from the tears I've shed for my father, and for me.(aso=also)
Hope to see you every month. Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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