My Overall impression: Great fantasy story. Thanks for the light/positive read. Suggestions/Errors: In your genres I 'd change the comedy to romance and love. This has more romance than it does comedy. I thought this was more ironic than anything.
You set your story up well, one suggestion...I'd add just a bit about how your character felt when his girl left him for the brother.
I would expand on this because it would help to make the readers believe that this guy would go to the extreme he does on spending His WHOLE paycheck on the arcade game.Just a thought!
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies.
My Overall impression: Neat story. Your title is good. I like how you end this.
Suggestions/Errors: With this all being in italics it is a little confusing. I think you should heve the past in the italics and the current in regular print.
I think with your dialogue you need to space to make it easier to follow.
I think you need to work on the events of your story and set them up a little more. I know they are mostly memories but you jump from one to the next.
This leaves some questions for your readers.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering this in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
I like your title. Great dream. Your imagery is good and you have some unique comparisons. I like your repetition of the last 2 lines in each stanza. Well-done.
My opinions/suggestions:
Red and yellow; orange, pink and white
try:
Red, yellow, orange, pink and white
Thanks for posting your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck .
I like your poem and the dramatic way you word these thoughts.
My opinions/suggestions:
I think you need to work on the overall flow of this poem.
In places it is very wordy. In places, I'm not sure what you are saying...
EX:
As winds and time go by and hair turns from red to ash.
All things known to men now become useless as far as heard in dreams.
The light that guided hope now sits on the fallen sun if not only for a moment things could be different.
TRY:
Winds and time go by as hair turns from red to ash.
All things known to men become useless as dreams.
The light that guided hope sits on the fallen sun,
If only for a moment things could be different.
If you tweak this in some places and clean this up a little, you'd have a very unique poem.
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
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I think most can identify with this. We all tend to lose ourselves in our dreams. You capture this loss very well.
One suggestion:
In stanza one line 3
But guess once your eyes go hazy,
(Try cutting the but guess~~it makes the line read choppy.)
Once your eyes go hazy,
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
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I like your title and how you use it through out your poem. You express matters of the heart very well.
One suggestion:
Stanza 3, I would cut crystal clear and just make it clear and I would make this stanza 2 lines to follow with the rest of your poem.
Our way of thinking may get foggy,
but the matters in the heart are
crystal clear.
try;
Our way of thinking may get foggy,
but the matters in the heart are clear.
Great poem. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Great poem. I love your ending. Actually the whole last stanza is the best!
The being one with your child~~well said! Your poem/story can be for any one of us mothers out here struggling in one way or another~~~and all for our children!
You express this very well.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
What a sad but realistic story. Things happen like this everyday in every school...and in the world. People slighting each other, and as you say~not knowing who they slight or taking the time to get to know them.
I hate that you, as a kid, or any kid has to get 'used' to these kind of things.
Thanks for sharing this with us!
Keep writing.
always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Loved your story. I like the humor you have in this. This should make every woman recall some past event!! Thanks for sharing. Suggestions/Errors: Add Comedy to your genre; this stands well as it is, I'd remove the draft item. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Your last stanza really hit home for me, I spent over 10 years in a bad relationship and your stanza is one of my reasons for doing it!
You hit on lonliness very well. I like how you use the house/lock for comparison, well-done.
My opinions/suggestions:
I think you need a more unioque title, this is used often.
I will try to stick to your 8-6-8-6 pattern.
In places this seems forced.
EX:
(this last line)
When I get up in the morning
I make a cup of tea;
But I have no one to share it
And that is a pity.
TRY:
When I get up in the morning
I make a cup of tea;
But I have no one to share it
With, there is only me.
(I think this flows better and is more dramatic!)
As I go out then on the door
I put a big grey lock.
(this is awkward)
TRY:
As I go out, onto the door
I put a big grey lock.
And kissed me and gave me a cup
Of tea, hot and steamy.
(over usage of and)
TRY:
Kissing me or handing a cup
Of tea, hot and steamy.
All just some suggestions. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
WOW~~you have captured very well what it feels like to be judged. Unique scenario. All should be able to identify with these thoughts.
I did not notice any typos or errors. I have no suggestion.
I like that you have this so simple (no punctuation, no capitalization etc.,) but it makes such a powerful statement. Well-said.
Thanks for entering this in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
I enjoyed reading your poem, it is lightbeat and what a tribute to this culture.
I love these lines and they really stuck out at me:
'Beautiful how they danced with dirty feet,
Calloused were the hands that waved their fleece.
Oh, lovely how their culture showed through the mist!'
Well-said!
My only suggestion:
Crimson and gold and green were their colors,
try-cutting the first and:
Crimson, gold and green were their colors,
Unique poem!
Keep writing. Thanks for entering this in
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Thanks for entering your poem in my weekly contest, "Invalid Item" and good luck.
What a man poem! But you had me at the game, great imagery. Your intro threw me off, I was expecting a scarey poem.
My opinions/suggestions:
One line sticks out at me:
Chilling air across the few singing stadiums.
I really don't have a suggestion but the air and across throw me....maybe
Chilling air crosses the few singing stadiums.
May just be me...
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
Very insighful poem you have here. I agree there are too many 'little worlds.' My opinion/suggestions: I think you need to take this poem a step further, give a few more instances on the 'houses' out there. I feel that this would make your poem more expressive. Add some description and imagery, show the reader these 'slights' that peolpe do to others.
I also feel you should go in and add punctuation, add it in a way to make your poem more dramatic.
EX: Television a better parent than most
try: Television, a better parent than most.
That small pause changes the read.
All just some suggestions. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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I think you need a different title, and I think you need to add more of your own "touch" to this. This seems kind of like a modern-day Cinderella~~I feel you need to make it more your own.
Even Modern Day Cinderella would be a more appropriate title!
Your first 2 lines are a little sloppy and weak.
You need a strong start to keep your readers interested.
'The night’s air was cool and crisp, and smelled of green shrubbery, flowers, and that indefinable smell of night. The trees and houses and wooden street signs rode by me, and cool air leaked from the windows.'
The night’s air was cool and crisp, smelling of green shrubbery, flowers and that indefinable smell of night. The trees, houses and wooden street signs rode by me as cool air leaked from the windows.
Something more like this. Watch you repitition af the word and!
You say first ball as though it will not be the last, said a part of me. (I would put your thoughts in italics.) You say first ball as though it will not be the last, said a part of me.
Your description of her shoes fall really flat...black....work on your imagery through-out!
With some cleaning and adding some more of your own touches, I think you would have a great story.
Keep writing, Tammy
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Unique poem you have here. It shows appreciation and love.
My opinions/suggestions:
I think I'd pick a better title to go with your great poem.
I think in places your wording is a little choppy, causing the flow to be off.
EX:
Stanza 1, lines 3&4
the sign of precious life
I long to harbor now.
TRY:
a sign of precious life
that I long to harbor now.
Stanza 3 line 2..I would end this at day
and start line 3 with lay.
Just a few minor suggestions.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
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This is such an inspirational story. Your title is appropriate but could be more unique...
I like how the Grandma ends up coming around and is finally touched by her grand-daughter.
My opinions/suggestions:
PARA 3
'sometimes to think of what her grandfather would thought, having sacrificed so much for his beliefs,'
(You need have after thought.)
PARA 4
“Grandma! Grandma! Guess what!” Michelle cried,
(I would make the a question mark instead of an exclamation point.)
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
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I enjoyed your story. I like the message it holds and how the Mom comes to realize what is important. I think anyone with children can identify with this story. I like the ending the best.
My suugesions:
You use the prompt pretty good, but we never find out how the key got there? Maybe you could show the children gigigling when confronted about the key...you wouldn't have to come out and say they put it there...but you could leave that doubt, that possibility.
I did not notice any typos or errors.
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
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Love your title and how you use it. Great story and thanks for putting the links at the bottom..if this touches only one person and they get help......
Again, thanks for taking the time to write this.
I did not notice any typos or errors. Your story flows very well and I wasn't left with any questions.
My only suggestion:
I'd like to see a part 2 of this...one where she leaves him!
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
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My opinios/suggestions:
I got confused on this one, I had to read it twice.
I think you have too much revealed in the ending...it makes it really confusing.
Marie, darling, what happened?” he asked, concerned. She told him. “Oh, you poor thing!” He held her close to him. That evening, he walked her home.
(This doesn't really sound like a 15 year old boy talking.)
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
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You sum this story up well. I like that you put the note at the bottom. I like this stanza the best:
They marched upon a blood-stained route
Not knowing where the path would lead
Knowing how torture came about
Refusing surrender to evil greed
My opinions/suggestions:
I'd expand a little more on your author's note...setting the poem up a little more.
I think your title has been used often...maybe a more unique title.
I think you need to go in and clean this up a little. Some poetry stands well without punctuation...I think this one would benefit with more of it.
Bitterness makes bitter hate
And with the hate unbounded fear
TRY:
Bitterness makes bitter hate
Causing an unbounded fear
And run them from their home, and jeer
And fire shots, and stand and grin
TRY:
Running them from their home with a jeer
While fire shots, they stand and grin.
Women and children jouney far (journey)
While feet bled and muscles jarred
While children fell, not one cried out
TRY:
While feet bled and muscles jarred
As children fell, no one cried out.
Took weapons for their evil needs
And proved themselves the missing links
TRY:
Took weapons for their evil needs
Proving themselves the missing links
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
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Your poem says it all, time can not be controlled! You show some good examples.
Only one suggestion~~a better title. This one is used often.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
