Tracey, I like the imagery you show us readers in this poem. You took me home with you to the daffodil fields! I could feel your melancholy in each line.
Overall, this is a great poem.
My suggesions:
Try reading this poem aloud, as I was doing this~I stumbled in a few places.
I look over this strange land
and see it for the beauty it beholds
TRY:
I look over this strange land
seeing it for the beauty it holds
with odd sights and sounds
with glorious smells.
TRY:
with odd sights, sounds and
with glorious smells.
Just some suggestions. Keep writing.
(3 down, 7 to go!)
Always, Tammy
Thanks for sharing your story. You tell it in the most intense way, I was hooked at the beginning and had to finish. I love this kind of stuff, especially when it's true. I got goose-bumps at the end. This is well written, I didn't notice any typos or errors.
There was one line, I didn't understand, but it may be because of my age? or my ignorance(lol):
The Bills looked like a bunch of little Neds in their First Readers??
Keep writing.
Always, tammy
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It's good to see that you have a folder for holding your short stories. I think folders are one thing here that are misused...when we open your folder...your intro tells me exactly what your title says: short sotries
~~Be more creatvie; use the writing mL, add some colors, emoticons or you could even add an image in the folder.
Then for the intro; briefly tell us about how you write short stories, or what the folder holds.
Just some suggestion. You do good with having folders it makes your port more organized...just be more creative.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
GREAT POEM! Everyone needs this little reminder every now and then. Thanks! Your poem flows well and your rhymes are good. I like these 2 lines the best:
'I only had to say a prayer
For peace to come once more' Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
I can identify so hard with this poem. I lost my Mom to cancer this past December. You capture the whole experience very well.
Congrats on the awardicon...you deserve it!!
I like your reminder to all in the last stanza!
Keep writing.
always, tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. My Overall impression: You capture very well these feelings of being weighed down, confused and at a loss that I am sure most bi-polars feel. Suggestions/Errors: I think if you used a different scenario it would be better and more believable. Instead of a tombstone, maybe show something else weighing her down. You end this with her kids...not many Mom's can sleep or lose theirself to this for 'days.' Maybe change that to hours later. Her kids are in the home so she must still be responsible for them...
"Please God?"
Help me to stop this frightening thing that's happening to me?"
(periods here instead of question mark)
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Great story. I could feel your love and pride for your aunt in every line and in your nickname for her. What a tribute to your aunt. Have you let her read this? You should. Even tho your story ends sad, it holds a great message. A reminder to not judge others and to treat them as you want to be treated. Well-told. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing. GREAT BIO!!!
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I like your poem and your rhymes are good. I like that you use the first 2 lines as your last 2 lines.
The read is easy, but in a few places you have some words that I feel you don't need and/or makes the reading awkward~~Which can cause the flow of the poem to be off. My opinion/suggestions: These are examples, that should help with the flow:(just cutting or adding a word here and there)
When daylight from the sky does leave
to bring the dark All Hallows Eve.
TRY:
As daylight from the sky leaves
it brings the dark All Hallows Eve.
all buildings checked, and all between
TRY:
all buildings checked, even in between
When light at last drives him away,
when sun regains it’s lawful sway,
TRY:
When light at last drives him away,
as the sun regains it’s lawful sway,
All just some suggestions. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering this in my monthly contest and good luck. I think you have the start of a really good story, a unique story. I think you need to be a little more realistic with the character and I think you need to show more dramatic events that would actually lead this girl to becoming lost in herself~~
You might want to put her thoughts in italics..it gets confusing at times. Especially when you are talking of her Mom struggling for money...is that true or is that in her dreams~~~
If it's true then why is she getting piano lessons...if you can't afford food~~~
“I signed you up for those lessons to better yourself, its for your own good.”
(this should be it's)
Mrs. Price was mad now, Maggie new it too. So she got (this should be knew)
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
I enjoyed reading your thoughts. I like the comparison that you make. I agree with the things you are writing on. I think this holds a big message for us readers and even a little reminder to us. We shouldn't expect so much from others and/or expect it from ourselves. I think you say this very well. It is well-written and I didn't notice any errors.
One typo:
And even as I believe that I might be about to break dow under the strain of the expectations of(dow-should be down.)
Thanks for sharing this.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
I like your poem and the way you have every line starting with D. You use this well, without making it seemed forced. Well-done.
I like these 2 lines the best:
Defying my belief in love to be confined
Daring my uncontrolled passion to ignite
My only suggestion is to go in and add punctuation through-out...you have about 3 commas and one question mark.
Keep writing. Always, tammy
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Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
Very unique subject for your poem. Your title is good.
Your imagery through-out is also good...too good at times! I like this line the best:
and your cup overflowed – just a bit.(well-said!)
suggestion:
asking you intimate and person questions.
I think this would saound better as personal questions.)
Keep writing.
Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
I like the subject you are wiring on. Love at first sight and their first dance. Things that they will always remember and dream of!
I think you need to clean this up just a little.
Eyes gleamed of jealously and admiration towards (this should just be jealousy)
One girl to dance with the man
(This repeats the sentence just before it. I don't think you need it.)
You tend to do this through out...repeat yourself...it's okay at times~~ if you are making a point and want it to stand out..but for the most part you could get rid of the repeating sentences.
At times your wording is awkward.
EXAMPLE:
Would you mind to dance to a step with me?”
(I'd keep this more simple and just let him ask her if she'd like to dance..)
Just some suggestions. Any questions, email me.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Very pretty poem you have here. What a sad ending, you capture the loss and sadness of this very well. You make this a romantic tragedy with the way you word this. Very well done.
My only suggestion~~you need a more unique title to go with your great poem!! maybe~A Tears Journey~~just something that isn't used so often and one that will draw your readers in.
Thanks for entering this in my weekly contest and good luck.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
Very unique poem you have here on missed oppurtunities. You express these feelings well.
I like this thought the best:
Thoughts compound and constrict the movements held by fate Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I love your title. Your poem holds a great message.
I like this line and that you have it standing alone, it makes it very dramatic!
'They just stood tall.' Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Thanks for sharing this with us. Thanks for donating yourself and your time to go and do this. What a unique experience. Suggestions/Errors: Para 1= (white woman, where are you going?)(capitalize White)
para 8= (It is against custom to use your left hand to eat, so though I am left-handed, I have adjusted.) (I would cut so in this sentence or replace it with even~~even though...)
You need to space between you last 2 paras. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: I'm not quite sure where you are going with this. At times it seems like you are breaking down the bible in to your own words. At times you repeat yourself, just re-wording it a little. You lost me through-out and I had to keep re-reading certain areas. Suggestions/Errors:
para 3 you have=The insects produced the fruit of insects, and the frogs produced the fruit of frogs, and the platypuses produced the fruit of platyuses..
next sentence =All the animals came together in pairs and each pair produced fruit according to its kind(this says the same thing~~this sentence is all that you need to get your point across.)
The Lord God had said that the serpents could eat the fruit of any tree, and were not animals trees in the same way as trees were trees.(repeating self here and throguht out.)
Adam was mother to her offspring, (Adam-mother??)
Check you spacing, in some places you space once between paras and in others you don't. I'd do one or the other.
All just my opinions and suggestions. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: I can feel your love and pride for your 'geeky' little brother. I like that you put yourself in his place and wrote this. Suggestions/Errors: Did you let him read it? If not, you should!
You use some punctuation, a question mark here and there, I think you should go in and finish putting punctuation where it is needed. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I enjoyed your poem. It flows well and I like the rhymes that you use. Your poem is slightly erotic and very romantic! Thanks for the read. I did not notice any typos or errors. Very well-done! Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
This is a great poem. I like the thoughts you share about your love. I could feel the love you hold for this special someone.
My only suggestion is to remove the period in the first line OR go back in and put punctuation every where else.
It's your choice on using punctuation or not using it, but I think you should do one or the other.
I think this free-style poem would do best without punctuation.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
HI there, your other poem intruiqued me SO I thought I'd check out your port.
The first thing I notice is your bio~~~that could be any one of us authors here...expand on that bio and introduce yourself!!
Second, in your intro for this you say it is a book for poems, but this isn't a book item it's a static item~~I'd change that and introduce this poem briefly and say what it's about.
I really like this poem, the title is good and appropriate. It tells a sad story. I think you need to clean your poem up a little. This could be a great poem with some cleaning.
MY suggestions:
I noticed a few errors:
Im standing on a corner holding,
my mother hand worried about,
were we are going to sleep tonight.
TRY:
I'm standing on a corner holding
my mother's hand worried about
where we are going to sleep tonight.
We have no family were all alone and,
my fathers a deadbeat who probably
forgot that I was even born.
TRY:
We have no family we're all alone.
My father's a dead-beat who probably
forgot that I was even born.
While other kids go to school to learn,
I go to school for the free lunch served
TRY:
While other kids go to school to learn,
I go to school for the free lunches served
Teacher’s wonder why I'm so stressed out,
You would be to if you might have to sleep
on the street tonight.
TRY:
Teacher wonder why I'm so stressed out,
You would be to if you had to sleep
on the street tonight.
My mother is trying the best she can,
to find a job and a place to stay
but, the doors keep getting slammed
in her face.
TRY:
My mother is trying the best she can
to find a job and a place to stay.
All the doors keep getting slammed
in her face.
one thing that keeps her spirit's high, is
that she still me and that’s
something money cannot buy.
TRY:
one thing that keeps her spirits high,
is that she still has me and our love.
That’s something money cannot buy.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
I think you have a good start to what could be a great poem.
I think overall the flow needs to be worked on and you need to expand some. Right now the poem does not stand alone without your introduction. You need to incorporate what you tell us in the intro into the poem itself.
To help with the read/flow of the poem:
EX:
I am an Amputee
who feels the ghost of her Severed Self
TRY:
I am an Amputee
feeling the ghost
of her Severed Self
Stopped
only your Electricity can resuscitate it
TRY:
Stopped only you
can resuscitate it
Just a few suggestions.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" and good luck.
Your title is appropriate. I enjoyed your short-story, a very positive read. We all have fears to conquer. I like your description of the public pool.
Suugestions: I think you could add a couple of lines regarding her fears...make us readers FEEL her fear more. This would add to her accomplishment at the end ~when she faces her fears.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
This is a great tribute. You capture her spirit very well. You show us readers exactly what she gives to you. Well-done. I like these lines, they are very unique:
Refusing to be a sheep
in the pen built by expectation Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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