Thanks for posting your poem in "Invalid Item"
I like that you share what/where you was when your muse was prompted!
The image of your memory is great. What a peaceful night, I was right there beside you. You make some great comparisons.
suggestions:
You capture this time very well, in places it's a little wordy. Watch your use of filler words (and, the, etc.)
Rolling through the heavens like great white whales in the purest ocean
try;
Rolling through heavens like great whales in the purest ocean
Its eyes slowly blinking as it nods its head serenely and flicks its tail from side to side
try;
Eyes slowly blinking as it nods head serenely and flicks tail from side to side
All just suggestions.
Keep writing, Tammy
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I've added this folder to my favorites and will definitely read your things...and probably **pester** you to let me use them in the newsletter!!
Again thanks for everything!
Im headed to bed now my reviews are turning silly!!
Talk to you later.
Always, Tammy
I'm not really into the horror genre but you kept my attention. Your story is intense. I was getting closer and closer to my computer screen as I was reading this!
My opinions/suggestions:
Work on your ending...I was a little disappointed with your ending.
I really thought you would've had the last man kill his self, making him the 'psychotic' killer of them all.
But you leave us with a mystery. I want to know what or who was doing the killing.
This gave me goose-bumps and made my eyes water.
I can tell you love your family. I can tell you are proud of your son as you should be...he has learned early what life is about. Great ending. I love hearing of others traditions, what a neat Thanksgiving game your family plays.
Thanks for entering your story in
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #937547 by Not Available.
lol....Loved it. At first I was like what happened?, what are they talking about?...this story has too many question...Then I read the last line, I was really lol! Thansk for sharing this.
Thanks for entering you story in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
Suggestion:
Add some genres to this, be sure and include the comedy genre.
All should read for a good laugh!
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #937547 by Not Available.
and good luck.
I like the color of your poem, you stick to this pattern very well. Your title is good and so are your genres.
my opinions/suggestions:
Overall, your poem reads a little choppy...I know sonnets are hard. I'm not going to suggest any changes due to your count. I do suggest you work on your flow of the poem.
Andrew, great poem, I love it!
These are some neat thoughts.
I always tease my kids about being in my box...and
I even have a poem about My Box!~
But I really like these thoughts and agree that we all need at least one window.
I think that our window is what helps us to achieve our individuality.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Love the title, it should draw your readers in.
At first, I thought they were out gigging for frogs!
Neat twist you have on this and it leaves the rest to us readers. Well-done!
Suggestions:
Same as last review re: prompt and contest!
Maybe more description...like the color of the son's eyes...that part was good.
You story flows very well. The title is appropriate. Your dialogue is easy to follow.
Suggestions:
I think you shoudl spell out their names instead of R & B.
Check your spacing.
Maybe include a link to the contest this was for and include the prompt!
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: Spice your folder up.
Get a creative title for your folder.
Add an image and some color to this folder.
All this will help to draw your readers in.
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies."THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression: This is really good. I could see this as a little children's book with some cute drawings to go with it. This would make a very good children's story.
Suggestions/Errors: I would add some genres to this. Maybe animal, comedy, family...some thing!
You could also add a cute image here...maybe of the different feet!
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies."THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression: Unique way to show insomnia. Like the title. Suggestions/Errors: Make line 1...two lines.
ex;
In my dream thoughts and words roll through my head
Like the rhythm and beat of the silent dead
I think you should add a couple of lines telling us more about the musinc the band is playing...what is actually keeping you up at night? It will make the poem more personal.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Your story flows ok. I wasn't left with any questions. The comedy part falls a little flat. I don't think fat jokes are funny.
I give you a 4.0 because it is well written, I did not notice any typos or errors. Suggestions/Errors: I think it would be More funny if you had the "hot-skinny" girl actually come in....let the "fat" girl be casing the scene for her friend... Showing this shallow man for what he is and what he has loss. That would be ironic and funny~!
Just some suggestions. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: I like the title and the comparison that you are making. The wrap works very well in your comparsion. It's a unique poem.
Suggestions/Errors: Build your walls and floors and doors
try;
Building your walls, floors and doors
Watch you repitition of words...stanza 1...and, all, wrap...
ex:
Wrap yourself and wrap your clothes
Wrap your shelves of books
Wrap obsessions and possessions
Wrap the things you took
try;
Wrap yourself, your clothes
And your shelves of books
Wrap your obsessions, possessions,
Wrap all the things you took.
Just some suggestions. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: WHAT a read! Thanks for writing and sharing this. I enjoyed your story. I love the way you tell this, I like the humor you slide in. I felt like I knew your animals. Your description and imagery is good. The ending was very sad. You present your story very well. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies.
"THE DROP-OFF BOX " My Overall impression: Neat story. I like the story-line but feel you need to make this more your own. I understand the comparison you are making and think it needs to be more subtle. Removing the apple part would help to make this more your own story. Your readers will still get your point! Suggestions/Errors: Watch your tenses. EX:
Water dripped down my face, vision blurred by the heavy drops.
(This dripped should be dripping.) Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: This is great, the fact that it is true adds so much to your story. Great tribute. Your poem tells your story, flows well and the rhymes are good. I like the image you have at the end. I like your reference to life and inches. Overall great poem. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: I like the title and your story. Your imagery of the field is good. Suggestions/Errors: Maybe expand a little more on the relationship and death more. I think that will add to your story and make it more emotional. It will help your readers identify more with your character. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Many women will identify with this. I really like your title. I like your last para the best, shows you as a strong woman. Suggestions/Errors: Maybe personalize this more with a little about the relationship you mention. Set up the scene more, add a littel depth and emotion to this. As it is it could be any woman and jerk you are talking of. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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