This sounds like a great contest with some easy rules to follow. Good luck with it.
A few suggestions:
Liven up your forum: use some color and emoticons~~ utilize the writing MLs here!
All genres excepted except erotica. (I'd change this to: All genres except erotica.)
Here is a donation for your contest.
Always, Tammy
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Hi, my name is Tammy and I'm one of your Mom's friends here, she asked me to review you.
Welcome to the site. Be sure and check out my contest for newbies"THE DROP-OFF BOX " .
Your poem tells quite a story. A sad story. I can identify with parts of it, I have suffered with depression for many years.
A few suggestions:
I think you should go in and add punctuation through-out your poem. You have it in places but need to put it through-out.
line 3 is a little awkward:
Why do every night I lie in bed and pray
TRY:
Why every night do I lie in bed and pray
Until I looked up and saw a person with wings and I realized it was an angel who was here to bring me new things
TRY:
Until I looked up and saw a person with wings
I realized it was an angel here to bring me new things
Just a few suggestions. Keep writing. I hope you enjoy your time here. Need anything or have questions email me.
Later, Tammy
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.
Good luck. Unique story you got here. The past meets the present. You do well with them keeping in their time, with speech and all. Most of this is done in dialogue, which can be hard. Good job.
My suggestions:
Proofread this, ~check your capitalization...when starting new dialogue/new sentence you need to capitalize it. I don't think some of the graphic noises you have should be in the punctuation.
keep writing.
Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. My Overall impression: These are some deep thoughts. I agree with them. Your title is appropriate. Suggestions/Errors:
I think at times you use some big wording that isn't necessary.
typos:
his deformed past pervaded his every thought and so the future could only ever be undernourished. (capitalize his)
the only potential reality was immediately now... and that was already over. (capitalize the) Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: For a first attempt, this is very good.
The first stanza is unique, you set your poem up well. I like that you don't use punctuation, your poem works well without it.
It needs a better title. Suggestions/Errors: New title, this one is used often, you need a title that will draw your readers in. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. My Overall impression: I'm not sure your age, but from experince just know friends come and go. And that it's okay to have different interest, you just have to support each other in them. If you find one or two really good friends in your lifetime you are doing good!! Suggestions/Errors: Overall, I think yo need to proof-read this, it needs to be cleaned up. Here are a few things I noticed:
Not everyone knows what BF means, you may want to write it out.
There was once a time though, that I had many good friends, and spent many wonderful hours spending time with them, and having fun.
TRY:(very awkward read)
There was once a time when I had good friends. I spent many wonderful hours with them having fun.
We did all the things that normal suburban children would do(I'd cut would=We did all the things that normal suburban children do. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Hi, a review for a review. This is a great tribute to your daughters birth. You tell your story well, I did not notice any typos or erros. I'm a nurse but not in this field~~ but I think it's just bag of water not bags...?? I maybe wrong~~
I can feel your love for your daughter with every word that you wrote.
Thanks for sharing this. Welcome back to the site and have fun. Check out my contest for newbies, "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
Always, Tammy
Great poem, I loved it! The read/flow is really good. I love the wording in places.
these lines are unique:
Close the door
I can’t bear the talking
Walking in circles
Tears drop
and
My head bursts
With the tension
Of living.
I think we are all looking for this:
To find a place
Where my mind
Can’t race
To conclusions I don’t
Want to face
ALL very well-said! I really don't have any suggestions, you say this very well.
Tammy
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Hi again, hope you don't mind me raiding your port. Welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy yourself here. Check out my contest that I run for Newbies,"THE DROP-OFF BOX " .
This is a good poem with a great message. I love the way you end this.
Suggestion:
In line 9 I think you should capitalize God.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "My Weekly Contest". Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I too love a good cry in the rain. You describe this good~your emotions come throguh very well. My opinion/suggestions:
Fix your spacing in stanza one, line one.
Overall, I think you need to focus more on the flow of this poem. After you write a poem, always read it aloud and see how it flows. Here are a couple of things that would help with the flow:
The rain pours down outside my window but also inside me
this reads a little awkward~
MAYBE:
The rain pours down my window and my soul
But the disappointment stays, crashing like thunder,
And a tear slips out of my reddened eye.
MAYBE:
Disappointment stays, crashing like thunder,
As a tear slips from my reddened eye.
All just suggestions. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
I enjoyed reading your story, I felt let down with the ending. This story doesn't feel completed. I was left with questions.
You start off really strong, making some very unique comparisons and your imagery is good. Suggestions/Errors:
The fog and mist still lingered in the air, waiting to blown away.(I think you need be after to.)
The questions that I was left with; who are you talking about meeting?, and what did they leave except the smell?? You write "Out it came." WHAT came?
I think if you add a little to your story, and clear up some of the questions that it leaves~~this would be a great story.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "My Weekly Contest". Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
A very romantic poem for your girl. My opinion/suggestions:
You need a title that will draw your readers in, this one is used frequently.
Your first three stanzas have ending rhymes, then you lose it~~I think you should stick to the pattern you start.
Overall, I think you need to work on the flow of the poem.
EX:
If there was something I could give, if just for a little while.
I'd give it without hesitation, just to see your smile.
TRY:
If I could give you something, even for a while.
I'd give without hesitation, just to see your smile.
With a few little changes, and finding the pattern you want to stick with~~ I'd think this would be a great tribute/poem to your lover.
Any questions, e-mail me. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "My Weekly Contest". Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I like what you have so far, but I think you need more. Great start. My opinion/suggestions: EXPAND, I think you need to take thess thoughts further. Your first 2 lines are awesome~I love the comparison you make.
I think you need a more unique title, one that will draw your readers in.
WHat you have so far is unique and well-written, with a few additions I think you'd have an awesome poem. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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Welcome to the site. I hope you enjoy your time here.
WOW, that was one intense read. I enjoyed your story. Your characters are likable and the plot is believable. I did not notice any typos or errors. Very well-done! Keep writing.
Always, tammy
My Overall impression: I enjoyed your trip back to childhood.
I've been there, I have one too that sticks out!
I think I may have did the same thing if I was your grandma!! Suggestions/Errors: I did not notice any typos or errors. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Overall: I like your plot and think it could be a very unique story. You need to work on the flow of your story, it is confusing at times.
My opinions/suggestions:
stoic exterior: some movement of emotion to protrude from the inner processions of his soul. (I'd make this a period and capitalize Some.)
After that I will be done my degree and free to go where ever desire (You need with after done.)
'...the accident and the immobilization, the bed in which his corpse lay…synthetically breathing.'(This para is confusing, it seems like it's your lover in the hospital, not your father.)
In places it is hard to tell whom you talk of, maybe clarify that more. You could try putting your thoughts of your father in italics.
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing. Always, tammy
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OVERALL IMPRESSION: Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" . Good luck. I loved your story, you tell it in an intense way. You made me feel all the emotions that your main character felt!
OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: ONE TYPO: I believe that now there is aso a bluebird formed from the tears I've shed for my father, and for me.(aso=also)
Hope to see you every month. Keep writing! Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" . Good Luck! Overall Thoughts Great tribute to your life and home. You set up the scene/life very well, describing your farm, neighbors and friends. I like how you sum this up at the end. Your title is unique and appropriate. My opinion/suggestions
Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
Overall Thoughts
Your title is uniqe as is your poem.
Overall, I had to read some of the stanzas two or three times to "get it."
Which for some readers this could be a turn off.
My favorite lines:
' Where the dreamer finds intrigue
And identity eventually becomes specialized'
Well-said.
My opinion/suggestions I think you need to work on the overall flow of the poem. Try reading your poem aloud~~I stumbled a lot while I was reading it aloud.(example: the start of = line 2 :Finds reaches ~~just these 2 words are difficult~~)
Just some suggestions. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
Hi, welcome to the site, I think at some point in our lives everyone has asked these questions. You express your doubt through these questions very well.
My only suggestion is all the stanzas talk of this doubt then the last stanza turns postive and you say you know who u are and what to do now~~~~what happened to cause this change of heart? what caused you to know yourself all of the sudden? Maybe add a stanza or 2 letting your readers know what broght the change on. Keep writing.
Have fun here.
Always, Tammy
You capture some of societies beliefs very well. What we women will do for the perfect body image. I like your honesty on this and I like that you put it all out there. I think your ending sums it up. We as women are so AWARE and still we do...I didn't notice any typos or errors.
Alwya, Tammy
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My Overall impression:
Your dialogue is good, tho at times they drag on about proving their point. It is easy to read and follow. I like the subject that this is on, I think it needs more descriptions.
Suggestions/Errors:
I don't know too much about either character besides they are cops that like to analyze situations. Maybe add some descriptions, imagery(what did the museum look like?) Along with adding that you could have a small layout of the musuem in your descriptions. With the way you do it, I have no idea how a robber would get in the place, etc.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:{C:red
}I think you have a great story here. You tell it well and it flows so easily. I like your ending. This would make awesome childs book. It holds a couple good messages.
Suggestions/Errors:I did not notice any typos or errors. Well-done.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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