What a horrid Thanksgiving. And an even worse mother-n-law. Overall, I enjoyed your story and it flows well.
My only suggestions:
It is confusing and busy in places:
In places where you have dialogue and then in parenthesis you are hollering at the kids~1st para...this is slightly confusing.
At times you show what the mother-n-law has said in the past..either in quotes or parenthesis...that also is confusing.
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
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I am amazed at what touches us as individuals!
I like the way you show his college experience leading to him doing this.
My opinions/suggestions:
I would change this drama genre for inspirational.
I would expand briefly on what it took for him to set up the warehouse into the shelter...this would help with showing his dedication and on making the story more believable.
I don't like how you leave it, with the boss agreeing but saying "...make sure nothing gets broken..." This takes away from the important thing that he is doing.
This would also be a huge thing for a company to do...
Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
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Tracey, this is such a pretty arostic poem. Great title and you use each letter very well. The poem flows good. I could see the rain and the dancing roses. Your imagery is good through out. I like the way you end this and how you are accepting the world. Well done.
My opinions/suggestions:
Now turning into a softly falling rain
I think this line sounds beeter as-
Now turning into a soft, falling rain
Gently falling upon the colorful flowers,
I think this needs to be a period instead of a comma.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy (5 down 5 to go) My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"
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Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
I like your title. Your first line is great~it really captures the readers attention!
You express your feelings of doubts over this crush very well.
Just a few suggestions: I'd make lines 1, 5 and 16...two lines~~just to go with the rest of your poem.
Keep writing, Tammy My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"
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WOW!! Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck. I like the way you present your poem, your color fits it very well. What a twisted end. I was thinking she was coming home late drunk....you tell this tragedy very well!
Keep wriitng. Always, tammy
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Tracey, love the title. Thanks for sharing this with us. We all have our own crossroads, you tell of yours honestly and positively. You show that you have learned and grown thru-out! I like your ending, you sum it all up very well.
Overall, I think you need to work on the flow and the wording of this poem.
Some suggestions:
Here I sit at my lonely crossroads
wondering where the next turn will take me?
TRY:
Here I sit at my lonely crossroads,
wondering where this turn will take me?
I have taken many painful turns;
and am thankful for all I've been through.
All the heart-ache and all the happiness,
TRY:
I have taken many painful turns;
but am thankful for all I've been through.
All the heart-ache and the happiness,
Sometimes they have hurt, but they have shaped my life,
TRY:
Sometimes they hurt, but all have shaped my life,
I'm thankful for my hopes and dreams
and the forgiveness that God grants me.
TRY:
I'm thankful for my hopes, my dreams
and the forgiveness that God grants me.
Just some minor changes/suggestions.
Keep writing. (4 down, 6 to go!)lol
Later, Tammy
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Tracey, I like the imagery you show us readers in this poem. You took me home with you to the daffodil fields! I could feel your melancholy in each line.
Overall, this is a great poem.
My suggesions:
Try reading this poem aloud, as I was doing this~I stumbled in a few places.
I look over this strange land
and see it for the beauty it beholds
TRY:
I look over this strange land
seeing it for the beauty it holds
with odd sights and sounds
with glorious smells.
TRY:
with odd sights, sounds and
with glorious smells.
Just some suggestions. Keep writing.
(3 down, 7 to go!)
Always, Tammy
Thanks for sharing your story. You tell it in the most intense way, I was hooked at the beginning and had to finish. I love this kind of stuff, especially when it's true. I got goose-bumps at the end. This is well written, I didn't notice any typos or errors.
There was one line, I didn't understand, but it may be because of my age? or my ignorance(lol):
The Bills looked like a bunch of little Neds in their First Readers??
Keep writing.
Always, tammy
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It's good to see that you have a folder for holding your short stories. I think folders are one thing here that are misused...when we open your folder...your intro tells me exactly what your title says: short sotries
~~Be more creatvie; use the writing mL, add some colors, emoticons or you could even add an image in the folder.
Then for the intro; briefly tell us about how you write short stories, or what the folder holds.
Just some suggestion. You do good with having folders it makes your port more organized...just be more creative.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
GREAT POEM! Everyone needs this little reminder every now and then. Thanks! Your poem flows well and your rhymes are good. I like these 2 lines the best:
'I only had to say a prayer
For peace to come once more' Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
I can identify so hard with this poem. I lost my Mom to cancer this past December. You capture the whole experience very well.
Congrats on the awardicon...you deserve it!!
I like your reminder to all in the last stanza!
Keep writing.
always, tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. My Overall impression: You capture very well these feelings of being weighed down, confused and at a loss that I am sure most bi-polars feel. Suggestions/Errors: I think if you used a different scenario it would be better and more believable. Instead of a tombstone, maybe show something else weighing her down. You end this with her kids...not many Mom's can sleep or lose theirself to this for 'days.' Maybe change that to hours later. Her kids are in the home so she must still be responsible for them...
"Please God?"
Help me to stop this frightening thing that's happening to me?"
(periods here instead of question mark)
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Great story. I could feel your love and pride for your aunt in every line and in your nickname for her. What a tribute to your aunt. Have you let her read this? You should. Even tho your story ends sad, it holds a great message. A reminder to not judge others and to treat them as you want to be treated. Well-told. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing. GREAT BIO!!!
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I like your poem and your rhymes are good. I like that you use the first 2 lines as your last 2 lines.
The read is easy, but in a few places you have some words that I feel you don't need and/or makes the reading awkward~~Which can cause the flow of the poem to be off. My opinion/suggestions: These are examples, that should help with the flow:(just cutting or adding a word here and there)
When daylight from the sky does leave
to bring the dark All Hallows Eve.
TRY:
As daylight from the sky leaves
it brings the dark All Hallows Eve.
all buildings checked, and all between
TRY:
all buildings checked, even in between
When light at last drives him away,
when sun regains it’s lawful sway,
TRY:
When light at last drives him away,
as the sun regains it’s lawful sway,
All just some suggestions. Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering this in my monthly contest and good luck. I think you have the start of a really good story, a unique story. I think you need to be a little more realistic with the character and I think you need to show more dramatic events that would actually lead this girl to becoming lost in herself~~
You might want to put her thoughts in italics..it gets confusing at times. Especially when you are talking of her Mom struggling for money...is that true or is that in her dreams~~~
If it's true then why is she getting piano lessons...if you can't afford food~~~
“I signed you up for those lessons to better yourself, its for your own good.”
(this should be it's)
Mrs. Price was mad now, Maggie new it too. So she got (this should be knew)
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
I enjoyed reading your thoughts. I like the comparison that you make. I agree with the things you are writing on. I think this holds a big message for us readers and even a little reminder to us. We shouldn't expect so much from others and/or expect it from ourselves. I think you say this very well. It is well-written and I didn't notice any errors.
One typo:
And even as I believe that I might be about to break dow under the strain of the expectations of(dow-should be down.)
Thanks for sharing this.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
I like your poem and the way you have every line starting with D. You use this well, without making it seemed forced. Well-done.
I like these 2 lines the best:
Defying my belief in love to be confined
Daring my uncontrolled passion to ignite
My only suggestion is to go in and add punctuation through-out...you have about 3 commas and one question mark.
Keep writing. Always, tammy
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Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" .
Very unique subject for your poem. Your title is good.
Your imagery through-out is also good...too good at times! I like this line the best:
and your cup overflowed – just a bit.(well-said!)
suggestion:
asking you intimate and person questions.
I think this would saound better as personal questions.)
Keep writing.
Tammy
Thanks for entering my monthly contest and good luck.
I like the subject you are wiring on. Love at first sight and their first dance. Things that they will always remember and dream of!
I think you need to clean this up just a little.
Eyes gleamed of jealously and admiration towards (this should just be jealousy)
One girl to dance with the man
(This repeats the sentence just before it. I don't think you need it.)
You tend to do this through out...repeat yourself...it's okay at times~~ if you are making a point and want it to stand out..but for the most part you could get rid of the repeating sentences.
At times your wording is awkward.
EXAMPLE:
Would you mind to dance to a step with me?”
(I'd keep this more simple and just let him ask her if she'd like to dance..)
Just some suggestions. Any questions, email me.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Very pretty poem you have here. What a sad ending, you capture the loss and sadness of this very well. You make this a romantic tragedy with the way you word this. Very well done.
My only suggestion~~you need a more unique title to go with your great poem!! maybe~A Tears Journey~~just something that isn't used so often and one that will draw your readers in.
Thanks for entering this in my weekly contest and good luck.
Keep writing.
Tammy
Thanks for entering my weekly contest and good luck. Your poem tells a neat story. I think you need to work on the flow of the poem and the telling of your story. At times it seems very technical...we did this, then we did that etc...Let your words flow, use some imagery, make your readers see the 2 of you dancing.
And I when blushed (is when supposed to be then?)
We turn and glide
I allow my self
To be swept away
TRY
Turning and gliding
I allow my self
To be swept away
All jsut some suggestions. Keep writing.
Always,Tammy
Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
Very unique poem you have here on missed oppurtunities. You express these feelings well.
I like this thought the best:
Thoughts compound and constrict the movements held by fate Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" Good Luck! Overall Thoughts:
I love your title. Your poem holds a great message.
I like this line and that you have it standing alone, it makes it very dramatic!
'They just stood tall.' Hope to see an entry from you every week. Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Thanks for sharing this with us. Thanks for donating yourself and your time to go and do this. What a unique experience. Suggestions/Errors: Para 1= (white woman, where are you going?)(capitalize White)
para 8= (It is against custom to use your left hand to eat, so though I am left-handed, I have adjusted.) (I would cut so in this sentence or replace it with even~~even though...)
You need to space between you last 2 paras. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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