Wow, just when I thoguht I had it figured out, you threw the ending twist. I guess it's left to your reader's imagination. Your story is very intense in places. You evoke the right emotions. Your first sentence is very dramatic...good job on that.
Suggestions;
I'd change the contest genre to something else now; fantasy,relationship or death....
Resting his head against one of the legs, he felt his consciousness fading…(I'd change this to ...he felt his self fading...)
I suggest giving us readers some kind of clue to who the 'men' are~~even if it's just a few little hints. As it is, it really leaves questions.
All just some suggestions. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
I really like the way you present your poem, I think it helps to make these thoughts more dramatic.
You set up the scene very nicely, I could hear the record turning over and over! I like the last line and unfortunately when relationships end we tend to remember only the pain! I guess this a defensive reaction to help us get over them...?
Why is Pieces capitalized in line 4?
Keepw riting.
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Another comedy poem, this one fall a little flat for me. I don't like the turn at the end with the "funny/sarcastic" part about the train...but that's just me!
I like the questions you ask at the beginning of your poem and know that most of us have asked these and will identify with this part of your poem.
Your flow and your rhymes are good.
Suggestions:
A better title, this one is used often...
Capitalize God in line 5 and 10.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
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Unique poem with a bit of humor. Your ending is cute!
I like the title.
Suggestions for the poem itself;
I think you over-use the commas here and it makes the read very choppy.
Your poem feels rushed.
The first 3 lines are repetitive..with little, the living and the pond.
I think with some cleaning and a little tweaking you'd have a great poem.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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I do the list thing too, and like you~~ forget it half the time.
Another unique item/column. I would definitely take time to read these columns if they were in a paper or a magazine.
I like your humor and you keep your story flowing and interesting. Your last stanza is the best!
Keep writing.
Tammy
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Thanks for the read and the laugh. Unique subject to write on. Very creative item you have here.
I like all your suggestions and I like how you are keeping a serious undertone to this. Like posting the site and the recipe for us readers! Well done.
Only one suggestion:
Find a funny zucchini image to put at the bottom of your story!
Keep writing. Welcome to the site.
Always, Tammy
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Thanks for posting this in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
U GO girl! I like your first stanza...lol
You have been thru some times but you have PREVAILED!!
Thanks for sharing parts of yourself. You have turned things around and your life sounds like it is becoming positive.
Keep your head up!
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for leaving this for a review. "Invalid Item"
I like the story-line you choose. Your title is good.
My opinions/suggestions:
You have a good start, butI feel that this is unfinished.
I don't think you give us readers enough information. You pack a lot of emotion into how this girls feel about her new room. But, I think you need to set this up, I don't know why she had to move?, where did they move to?, I know nothing of your character, not her age nor her personality?? All I know is that she is sad from moving.
Set this up more, expand some on your story and clarify it a little more.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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So far so good. This starts off well and makes me want to know more! Your character seems very likable. I'd like to know more about her and her time on the ranch.
A few suggestions:
Watch your repititon of words. Check para one and notice how many times you start your sentences with she...try to eliminate some of those.
last para...
Get settled and meet outside the barn in fifteen minutes
(I'd add me after meet.)
Keep writing and welcome to the site.
HAVE FUN!
Always, TAmmy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies."THE DROP-OFF BOX " My Overall impression: I enjoyed your poem. Your love for camping comes through in every line. Your rhymes and the flow of your poem work very well together. Thanks for sharing! Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck .
Very romantic and pretty poem.
The things you would do for your love are very unique!. Your poem tells a fantasy love story. Thanks for sharing. All well-said!
I like this stanza:
'I would go back in time,
And throw that rose to a harsh wind,
Leaving an agrimony in its’ stead.
So that even in death, your dreams,
Would remain forever next to my own'
Thanks for posting your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck .
Unique title, it should draw your readers in. I do agree with some of your thoughts.
Overall, I think you need to work on the flow of your poem. Read your poem aloud, it reads very choppy. You do not have to end each line.
EX:
Storms with such great power.
Man made fires.
The flood waters keep getting higher.
All just racing against a timer.
Everything looks so fake.
Our peaceful world has turned to hate.
try;
Storms with great power,
Man invoked fires,
Flood waters getting higher,
All racing against a timer.
Everything looks so fake,
Our world has turned to hate.
Something a little more like this. Just some suggestions.
Thanks for posting your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck .
You express very well what it feels to love one who doesn't leve you back.
Maybe make this color bold so it is easier to read.
I suggest taking this a few steps further and telling us readers why you love her...it will make your poem/ rejection stronger. Add some emotions to your poem.
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression: I enjoyed your story. It was sad! But what a perfect, yet ironic, ending for a fisherman. Good imagery and description used thru-out!
Suggestions/Errors: I like your subject and storyline, I felt it was a little impersonal. I think you need to introduce your character a little more to us reader...maybe a bit on his life, childhood/adulthood...really anything to make us know your character more~~Which would lead to us feeling MORE at the end.
Just some thoughts..
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: I could feel your love and pide for your job! It's always a great thing if one enjoys what they do in life. Thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts with us.
Suggestions/Errors: A little impersonal in places~~maybe share some of your best flights with us and/or share some of the unique or crazy people you have met.
I think with a little expanding and sharing it would make this more personal.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies.
"THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression: Love your title. What an inspirational piece on hope. You have some unique thoughts here, thanks for sharing. I like this part the best:
'Hoping for a difference but nothing as to the means of men will aid in the struggle of desirable fiction.'
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Great tribute to one who gave you such an awesome reminder. Thanks for sharing this and reminding us all!
Suggestions/Errors: I think your poem would benefit with some punctuation...you have some, but I think you should add a few more.
I think in places the read of your poem is off/or forced and almost choppy in places.
EX:
Short black hair with streaks of silver throughout.
try;
Short, black hair streaked with silver.
I ask how he is doing and lean in close to hear.
“I am blessed,” he slurs softly yet assured. “I am blessed.”
try;
I ask how he is doing leaning close to hear.
“I'm blessed,” he slurs softly, yet assured. “I am blessed.”
All just some suggestions.
You end this very well.
Again, thanks for sharing.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: What a great tribute to your mother and her influence in your life! Sorry for your loss. Your relationship with your Mom must be missed. I lost my Mom in Dec. and writing does help with the dealing. Suggestions/Errors: In the last part to your Mom I would capitalize your i's. Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies.
"THE DROP-OFF BOX " My Overall impression: Unique item. Very creative use of your w's~~~WOW!! Suggestions/Errors: Would be really neat if you could have continued with more of your w's at the end... Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies."THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression: This must have been hard to write. Thanks for sharing. I hope it helps some to write about this. I use my writing as therapy. I like the comparison you are making of the shadow..very creative. I haven't thought of our memories and pains being this but they are like a shadow. Always there!
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Unique poem. I like the way you tell this story with ypur message included.
That seashell could be anything for any reader ...money, a smile from a stranger, a compliment etc.
Well done. I like the message that this poem holds.
I like how you slip your message into this short and to the point poem!!
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression: Thanks for sharing this. It must have been hard to write. If it touches one person then it has served its purpose. So sorry for your loss. Glad that you have changed the situation for you and your girls.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Very romantic and pretty poem. 
Keep writing. 
Great. [ though uglier are few].
