Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
I like and can identify with your thoughts on life and illusions. You make some great comparisons.
suggestions:
In line 7 and line 10 space after your commas.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Your poem/letter tells such a sad story.
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
You stick to the form very well.
You capture the sadness and pain of this family well.
My opinions/suggestions:
In places the count/flow seems forced.
EX:
And let my sister even share both toys.
maybe;
Letting my little sister share our toys.
Or cookies to put out for you with milk
maybe;
Or cookies and milk to put out for you
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies.
"THE DROP-OFF BOX " My Overall impression:
Great thoughts. I think most can identify with these thoughts, or at least have at some point in their life. You express this very well.
Suggestions/Errors:
Maybe make line 1...2 lines.
In line 4 cut until.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
I enjoyed your childhood memories. It made me think of my childhood home in Texas. I like your last sentence the best and agree we all need a memory like this. Your imagery is good, you capture the lake well. Suggestions/Errors:
Your story flows well. I did not notice any typos or errors.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
OVERALL IMPRESSION Christmas/Holidays can be hard, and make you miss your loved ones.
The celebrations can be enjoyable though.
You capture the season well.
Your imagery is good.
MY SUGGESTIONS You have some punctuation, but it isn't consistent. I think you should use or not use in poetry~one or the other. I think your poem would benefit with more punctuation.
Keep writing
Always,
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My Overall impression: Great imagery through-out!
Awesome description words!!
I like these: white meringue woman, moon-glass countertop,souls hiss~~great job.
You had me right at the start.
Suggestions/Errors:
I didn't notice any typos or erros.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Good story-line. You tell your story in an intense way. I had to read straight through. Your character is likable and I could feel his confusion. Well-done.
Suggestions/Errors:
I did not have any questions after reading. I noticed no errors or typos.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Your emotions show up very well in this poem.
I like your last stanza, it sums it all up.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
I suggest a more unique title...one that will draw your readers in.
This line doesn't fit in your poem not sure why the reference to the house is made...If it has something to do with the book you refer to...then you need some clarification. I think your poem stands fine with out.
'as the house begins to empty.'
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies."THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
Great poem. I like your title and it is appropriate.
You describe a soldier's life very well.
I like your rhyming scheme and you stick to it well.
Suggestions/Errors:
I think your ! points are distracting~and can cause the flow of your poem to read choppy at times.
In your last line I would write out until.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
I enjoyed your story, I wasn't expecting the positive ending. Good job. I like the title and the way you lead up to the child 'waking up' your main character.
Suggestions/Errors:
Watch your tenses, at times it is in present tense and other times past tense.
Maybe put his thoughts in italics...(when he calls hisself an old fool and when he is thinking about the city.)
The path memorized, he walked purposefully through the around the rows of gravestones,
(This sentence doesn't make sense, maybe and instead of the.)
Try spacing between each para, it looks better and makes for an easier read.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I like your poem so far, I feel like it is unfinished.
I like the lines on the wind and the one on breakfast.
I think you need to show us your ranch a little more.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
I think you need to describe your ranch to the reader. Show us your ranch.
In one line you say the 'animals you can think of.' This was your ranch, you tell us what animals were there and tell us what made your ranch so special.
Just expand more on your ranch and you'd have a great poem.
Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies. "THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
I like your title and the repitition of it through out your poem.
Your poem presentation is very good. Easy to read.
Suggestions/Errors:
stanza 7 - line 2 - The flow is longer than the other lines.
You try to gather some people that will stand by your side.
try; (getting rid of the filler words.)
You gather people that will stand by your side.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
I like the start of your poem. I like the subject you are writing on. I think you need to expand on your poem and feelings. You could take this poem so much farther.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Tell us more about the wild...use more description. Makes us readers see the wild that you say you love.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: I like the questions you ask!
Great poem and although I can't identify with some of these things, we all get caught up in our worlds and forget the important things!
You say and show this very well!
These lines are awesome:
'Rainbows still kiss your eyelashes on
dewy wet mornings in early Spring'
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS: Airport rent-a-car, every bi-week visit.
(I'd use bi-weekly.)
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Happy Thanksgiving
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Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Wow, some great thoughts here.
Thanks for writing and sharing this.
My favorite stanza is:
'Weep not my life a single tear,
I shed my past without a fear.
I care not for this life on earth
Of listless joy and callous mirth.
Where crusted smiles numb minds so bold,
So bound by rules, naught to unfold.'
You start your poem off very strong and continue through to the end.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Happy Thanksgiving
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Neat p.o.v. to write this from.
You capture them, the night and their life very well. Your poem gets intense as they run~~well-done.
Your poem/story flows good.
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
Maybe a littl more descriptive words, you have the pups with fur and you mention your mate.
Maybe expand a little and let your readers see them better.
Keep writing. Always, Tammy
Happy Thanksgiving
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
Cute title, it's creative. I like the way you have done this poem.
We all have if's and been's, you show this well.
I like your ending the best!
MY OPINIONS/SUGGESTIONS:
And I bathe completely in where I was.
try:
Bathing completely in where I was.
If beening begins to be all there is
(I'd usee been here.)
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION:
You paint winter very pretty. Your imagery is good and your comparisons are unique. Well done.
I like these 2 lines the best:
'Snowflakes drift on Winter's sigh,
Frigid ice is fresh exhaust.'
Hi again, I chose this one for the title.
I like it. We all need to be able to put ourselves in other's shoes.
This line is really good:
'Feel the pain and suffering, take a hold of the tears I've cried'
Only one suggestion: Maybe expand more on things you have been through...make your poem more personal.
My Overall impression:
I imagine this was hard to write. I hoped it help you to let this go a little by writing about it.
I hate that kids do this to each other. But I experienced some of these feeling as a kid and most of us probably did for some reason or another.
You capture well what it feels like.
Suggestions/Errors:
In para 3 check your commas...I think you have too many. It makes the read choppy
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck. What a very descriptive poem you have here. I could see this fat, lazy cat.
Great imagery.
These 2 lines are good:
Just a waddling walk, and a wobbling belly
And cheeks that bob like gobs of jelly
Keep writing.
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Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
Very inspirational and positive poem. Your poem flows well and I like your pauses thru each line. Your rhymes are good. I like your play on word...peace/piece..very creative.
suggestions:
I don't think Sun needs to be capitalized in line one.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
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