Welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy it. Thanks for entering The Drop Box, my contest for newbies."THE DROP-OFF BOX "
My Overall impression:
You capture this well. Your imagery of the dancing is really good.
I like the stanza on the ballerina dancers. Your present your poem very well. Your poem flows very well.
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
Your words are very romantice and flow very poetically. Each line is strong and your feelings for the girl comes off strong.
My favorite line:
'Wild hair of lucid, vibrant silk meandering softly down the fragile mirage of perfection'
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
Your title is good and appropriate. I like your last stanza the best and think that we are all just doing that. Travelling from one road to the next, going down some we never want to see again and then finding some we never want to leave.
I like the comparison you are showing. Your poem flows well.
Very inspirational poem you have here. The choices you show of mankind and the way one fights what is right, what is our path. It can be hard. You show the struggle and the rewards.
I like these lines they are very positive and true:
'He'll give us more than we could ask or think,
Living Water quenching us whenever we drink'
Thanks for entering your poem in
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
I like the comparison you are making on having a 'vegas' relationship. I think your poem reads a little fast and sloppy at times.
You repeat yourself in a few spots.
I think if you cleaned it up a little you'd have a very unique poem.
a few suggestions:
Stanza one is a little confusing when you start talking of smiling.
I’m sorry.
I tried so hard
Not to leave you behind.
But I only think of you
When you smiled,
And if you hate me for that
I understand why
try;
I’m sorry,
I tried so hard
Not to leave you behind.
If you hate me for that
I understand why.
In stanza 2:
There were colors
And bright lights,
And dirt and grime.
We had the Vegas
Of relationships.
try;
There were colors
Bright lights,
Dirt and grime.
We had the Vegas
Of relationships.
Just go through and clean your poem a little.
All just suggestions.
My Overall impression:
Your story is really good. I was hooked from the beginning, you tell this very well. You capture the reader's attention and hold on to the end!
Well-done.
Suggestions/Errors:
Even tho this stands very well by itself and the reader's imagination...I would like to know what the crime was?!?!?
I actually think this could be expanded into a long-short story or a novel...maybe more on their lifestyle and how they got together, their life, her job before and their life after..the kid...just overall I think this is a good storyline!
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
My Overall impression:
Your poem evokes a few different emotions for me. Pain, sadness and confusion.
You express yourself very well and I can feel your exhaustion with this...
Suggestions/Errors:
I was left with one question...are you talking of life in general or are you suffering from pain because of...??
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Hi htere. The review you requested.
Unique prose. You make some very neat comparisons.
I like your title.
suggestions:
I think you overuse the commas in this.
It's a little distracting and makes the reading choppy.
These 2 lines read a little awkward.
South wind is astounded.
(maybe southern instead of south)
South buffets and gales, noisy and harsh.
try;
South buffets and gales are noisy and harsh.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
My Overall impression:
Your title is good and appropriate. I like your comparison that you make. I like these 2 lines the best:
'Choices intertwining,
sparks of possibility,'
Suggestions/Errors:
I think you need to work on the flow of your poem in a few spots.
Here are a few little things that would help.
Always read your poems alud when you finish them to make sure they flow well.
ex;
endings becoming new beginnings,
pregnant with new life,
try;
endings becoming beginnings.
Pregnant with new life,
again, once more in time,
try;
once more in time,
Hope you enjoy yourself here. Any questions, e-mail me. Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Great storyline, your title is good. I wasn't expecting the twist at the end! Your imagery of the stone is really good.
suggestions:
I like your story, I do feel like it needs a little more.
I'd like to know more about your main character and why she is shopping in this way.
Maybe set your story up a little more.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I enjoyed your poem. Great tribute! Your imagery is good.
I like this thought the best:
'Dancing with the toes of devils and the eyes of blue-souled maidens'
Thanks for entering your poem in
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #962569 by Not Available.
and good luck.
Suggestions:
I'd seperate lines 2 and 9~~~ make them 2 lines just to fit and flow bettter with your other lines.
You are really good at getting your emotions into your poems. You make me feel much with your words/thoughts.
I think you need to lose some of the commas instead of having as one continuous thought for each stanza.
stanza1
I'd add a period after nothing in line 4, and one in line 8.
In stanza 2
Remove the comma in line 1 and add a period in line 3.
Look at the rest of poem and change a few commas to periods.
Focus on the flow, be sure and read your poems aloud after writing and check their flow.
Hi there.
I thought I would come raid your port.
Great poem. I like your thoughts and can even identify with some of them.
You express this lonliness very well.
I like your description of cold and winter and agree with it.
Keep writing.
Always, Tammy
Thanks for entering your poem "Invalid Item" and good luck. OVERALL IMPRESSION I really like the repeating stanza that you have...you do it so that it is very dramatic...with the drown, the fall/cry and fear. Neat idea.
Your title is good.
MY SUGGESTIONS Instead of having other as genre...maybe use relationship and love/romance.
stanza2
Wonder if you here me
(this would sound better as wondering ...and it should be hear.)
Keep writing
Always,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
I enjoyed your story so much. It made me feel good and remember my kids when they were younger and decorating the tree. I have a video tape of them at the age 2 and 4 were they were decorating the tree and every other time they put one on they would ask me where to put it. And every other one they put on...would fall off!
It also made me think of my own childhood, we had these awesome hand painted wooden ornaments that we had painted and my Mom used them every year.
Great story, I think it will make others who read this remember happy times. Your story flows very well, and evokes lots of great feelings.
suggestion:
In para 9 and 13 fix your spacing.
Keep writing.
Always,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering your poem "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION I could feel your love for your husband in each word that I read.
Your tribute is pretty and your poem flows very well. I like the repitition of the sayings in the last line of each stanza. It works well with your poem.
MY SUGGESTIONS Your last line is off compared to the rest of your poem and it makes the flow off.
But I found out that One Single Kiss was all that could help.
try;
But I found One Single Kiss was all that could help.
Keep writing
Always,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering your poem "Invalid Item" and good luck.
OVERALL IMPRESSION I like the subject of your poem and I like that you included why you wrote this...what prompted your muse. I think most of us here will agree with your thoughts on the power of poetry, music and words!
MY SUGGESTIONS Only one, watch your use of commas...at times the poems flow is choppy because of the commas.
EX:
Taught to us when, we're young and small,
Repeated over & over, before we can crawl.
By mommies, daddies, older siblings too,
Cheering kids on, as people will do.
try;
Taught to us when we're young and small,
Repeated over & over before we can crawl.
By mommies, daddies and older siblings too.
Cheering kids on as people will do.
Just some suggestions.
Keep writing
Always,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
Great poem. Very creative subject to write on.
I like the way you present your poem.
I like these lines the best:
'Biting into the horizon
Earth's jagged teeth sever
the sky's blue veins.'
I enjoyed your poem. Your imagery is good through-out. I like how you show the shunning the winter wind!
Thanks for entering your poem in "Invalid Item" and good luck.
Always, tammy
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/tm_lvn_nurse/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/27
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.62 seconds at 6:21am on Jul 01, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
