Hello Storiable , I have just been reading your story. Very sad, you have great imagery in this.
I do notice you use the word "The" a lot for instance in the first line. "The delicate light of the settling sun created a play of colour on his cheekbone." " Could be changed to, "Delicate sun light danced in an array of colours on his cheekbones."
Just a suggestion, it is your story , I dont want to write it for you.
Hello Shanta, thank you for sharing your Journal. As it is posted for the public to read, I would start your sentences with a capital letter and separate your paragraphs, or days. It does make it easier for the reader.
Hello lily, a lot of anger coming out in your piece here. Jealousy is never a good thing and can do a lot of harm.
I think the peice would make better reading if you use capital letters at the start of your sentences and maybe write in paragraphs. Just some thoughts.
Hello Dave, I have read this little story twice, I love it. I could see the little one climbing up and down the steps, as so many children do. It is such a big adventure to them. Then Dad the Hero rescues him from the Monsters.
It is just a perfect little story with great imagery.
Hello Irreverant, I have just read your writers caramp entry. A lovely poem, such a message it gives. Such hard words to say Thank you for leaving, knowing it was for the best, but it also hints that the poet still wants.
Hello S. L. Stiles , Welcome to WDC. I have just read yout poem and I agree, there is nothing like pen and paper to write with. Although we have to type to be seen, it is still good to start the old faishioned way.
Great poem , I like the the line "Simplicity of words I am, I do not write for status or glam."
Hello A J Warden, welcome to WDC. While it is good to have the descriptions of your characters, I do not think anyone can help with a title till you have written a little about your book.
Once you have posted a little, I am sure you will have many reviews and title ideas.
Hello S.L.Stiles, I always like to read poetry that has been written from the heart like this one. I am sure your grandpa would be proud of this.
I don't usually like to give opinions in the punctuation in poems like this, but I will say, I would take out some of the commas in between the lines. It would read smoother without them. But that is just my opinion It is your poem.
Hello JDMac, every now and then there is a poem that will I will remember for a long time. I believe this is it. You are so right, a writers mind can be a blessing and a curse.
Amazing poem, I loved the lines, "I don't live in the moment, I live in many moments, Yes I don't seem to live at all."
HI Dusty, I love this poem, it is true, christmas shoppers everywhere and we forget what christmas is really about.
First line, I would take out the comma after and, " 'Twas the night before Christmas and all over town." also after spend in " The shoppers will spend without care or thought,"
A fullstop (period) after " And hope that their friends will like what they bought."
Hello this is great. I am sure your Grandmother would appreciate it. It is a pity the first two lines did not fit as well as the rest. You could perhaps say "Love is free never." the second line then starts with never.
Hello Kellie, this isa very clever poem . I love the way you have used the word hand or hands in so many different ways and yet they all fit together in the end.
Hello Alais, this poem is beautiful. depression is such a sad condition, especially if we do not feel loved and also think we can never find it again. Beauty is within though, not the outside, it is the heart that matters.
Hello BBWolf, this is great and so are Grandmothers! I love the way you have ended the poem, so true. A poem that comes from the heart does not have to be perfect in rhythm or rhyme, because it is perfect anyway.
Lovely poem.
Best wishes.
Sanita
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