*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/44
Review Requests: ON
3,159 Public Reviews Given
3,207 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 40 41 42 43 -44- 45 46 47 48 49 ... Next
1076
1076
Review of Birthday Surprise  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
Honey,
Very good story, but I think it ends too quickly. I'm not sure about the payment part at the end, to me that was a mystery. I guess the heist part wasn't clear to me. What are they stealing? It almost lost me completely at the end, but heck, it's 10 pm, and I'm tired. I did see a couple of things you'll want to look at though. :)


1. “I don’t understand! How can someone with as much animal expertise as you be so inept?” This sentence is not indented like the rest that start a paragraph.

2. Sam nodded his greed made the plan sound foolproof. This is only part of the longer sentence, but you need a comma after nodded.


3. The magician watched his face as his makeup transformed his face into his character for the evening. You use 'his face' twice in quick succession there, can you change it?



Your Sum1
1077
1077
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dr. Gupta,
This is a really nice poem you've written here. I could almost see a room of things as you picked things up and cleaned up this shelf. I think you accurately portrayed how each of us has things in our minds we've always meant to do, all our good intentions, yet they never get done. What I liked most, was the line about the thorns meant for those you hate. The fact that they were there and not used shows that you forgave them, and never had cause to use the thorns. Now if only mankind could do the same. Well done!

Sum1
1078
1078
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Xlych,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Wow, it's been a long time since I've sat and read something I thoroughly enjoyed this much. What an interesting and unusual story! I could relate to Wilfort entirely, and even Rinky the cat. This is well written, very well written. I did happen upon one small thing you may want to take a look at though.

1. Mistress Greenrich, what can I do for you?" You left off the opening quotation marks for this line.


Very nice job, I will recommend this story to my friends!

Sum1
1079
1079
Review of Unconditional  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Jonas,
Very interesting short story here. You told this well, with a plot that flowed nicely. My favorite part is the whole thing, just the idea of a man falling in love with an Android. The one thing that may have made this a little more fun, would be to somehow hide the fact that she's an Android until the very end. All in all though, well done!

Sum1
1080
1080
Review of The Barrenesses  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
Carol,
Just passed by your port tonight, and thought I'd have a look. Very nice poem here, I like the colors you used for each season; it added a nice touch. It flows nicely, with a really good rhyme scheme. So take the word pathetic off your folder title,, :) The only comment I have, is this line:

when green bud forms and grows I think it would be slightly better if you had it read, when green buds form and grow Just an opinion is all.

Overall, very nicely done!

Jim
1081
1081
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear LeWag,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

I live in the Chicago area, but am not a native of the city, I'm transplanted. This tells it like it is in a big city though, and that's how life can be in Chicago. Your rhyme and rhythm are pretty good, but there are a couple of things you may want to look at in this poem. My biggest comment is that I don't think you need a period at the end of each line, a comma will suffice on some of them.


1. Chicago use to be my dream. Since you're talking about the past, use needs to be past tense, used.

2. Corruption and greed, make the wheels turn.. I'm not sure why the two periods here, but I suspect it was just a typo.

3. Bumping elbows, waith celebrities and stars. With is misspelled.

4. :Utopia, is a long distance down the road. I'm not sure why the colon before Utopia.


All in all, nicely done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1082
1082
Review of Lost...  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jennifer,
Gosh I hope your world really isn't like this, because that's the world I live in. You do sound so alone in this poem, as if nothing or no one knows you are around. My world isn't quite that bad, but it's close. This is nicely written, with a good flow to it. There are several places though where your words runs together, example: standing,still,motionless.. Even though you're conveying a sense of utterless aloneness, your words should be separated normally. Other than that, nicely done!

Sum1
1083
1083
Review of Do you see me?  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Jojo,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

You're absolutely right, I think everyone can relate to this. Normally I would not recommend using the same words over and over. In this case, "I wanna" works well, as well as saying "I" over and over. However, I think the last line would be much more powerful if you broke from that, and made it different. It would make it stand out more.

I want someone to see me,,,, know me,,,, love me,,,, just for being me.

I've been told several times here on WDC to never use more than 4 ellipses or periods to stress a point, but I've not read that anywhere. (But then, I'm not what I call an 'educated' writer either, I just write. *Smile*)

Well done!

Sum1
1084
1084
Review of A Day on the Farm  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wally,
Interesting take on farm life, I like the roosters point of view, and the talking amongst themselves. I know your intent was to focus on just the four roosters, but I'm left wondering about 'Skippy'; and his fate. Was he a new young rooster, and the other four older, thus expendable, since they all met their fate that day? Just me wondering is all.

All in all, nicely done!

Sum1
1085
1085
Review of He Sits  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Marnts,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

You know, when I first started reading this, I thought you were writing about a statue on a park bench. Then I came to the part about him being gone late at night, and I realized he was (is) a real person. This is well written, with a few minor things you may want to look at.

1. He sits, alone, every day, at the same park bench. I think it would be better worded if he was sitting 'on' the same park bench.

2. I don’t think that anyone other than him knows why. I may be wrong, but to me, the word he reads better than him.

3. His suits are warn, and his shoes, though fully put together, show the wear of one who has tracked many miles to reach his final destination. I think you meant to use worn, not warn.

4. We can only pray that, someday, he finds what he is looking for You only need one comma in this sentence, the one after someday.

Overall, very nicely done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1086
1086
Review of Renee's Song  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Clint,
My goodness, what can I say! I've written (and love to write) story poems, but this one is fantastic! While the rhythm isn't always up to task, the story is much more important, so in my eyes, the rhythm can just go,,, well, you know. *Smile* Well done!

Sum1
1087
1087
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear April,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

The idea of dinner with a klutz is cute, and him falling over his own feet just adds to the humor in this story. You write nicely, but you tend to confuse your use of tense, as in past tense, and present tense. There are many places where this would happen. An example is the line about the clang of what had been advertised as an orchestra; yet in the next line the incessant noise causing her nerve endings to quiver. If it was advertised as an orchestra, then the incessant noise caused her nerve endings to quiver. There were other grammatical errors that I've noted below. I think a little more of an introduction would help this story greatly.

1. A trickle of a few drops of water was all she could get from the tap; when trying to rinse the red wine from the dress ----- You need a period at the end of every sentence. This occurred in several places throughout the story. This sentence is also worded poorly. Maybe a better wording would be something like, "She was trying to rinse the red wine from her dress, but all she could get was a small trickle of a few drops of water from the tap.

2. Moving to the veranda she stood wondering what the hell she was thinking, when she agreed to come for dinner. You should have a comma after veranda, but not after thinking.

3. The incessant noise causing her nerve endings to quiver A period is needed to end this sentence, and as I noted above, it should be caused, not causing.

4. She could almost feel the swelling of the glands in her neck and a migraine was starting to loom You should delete 'was' after migraine, it is not needed.

5. There were the remnants of the wine bottle strewn across the floor
Glass splinters sparkling like diamonds beckoning her bare feet
A table; which has so beautifully been set, now resting on its side.
Dishes, cutlery now forming a new design on the tiled floor. This whole section almost looks like a poem. One line is missing a period to close it. The third line reads pretty rough. Perhaps better wording would be, "A table which had been so beautifully set, now rested on it's side." Throughout this part of the story, you confuse the tense use. There were remnants of the wine bottle strewn (past tense), yet glass splinters sparkling like diamonds beckoning to her feet, (present tense). It just makes the reader a little confused, and may eventually cause them to leave without completing your story.

6. Stepping over the various objects and having left a well placed shoe imprint on his back. This sentence is incomplete. She has stepped over various objects and left a well placed shoe imprint on his back. Now, complete the sentence; what did she do, where did she go?

7. She picked up her bag and not wasting time she left; She had survived dinner with a klutz. Again, the wording here is rough. Maybe something like, "She picked up her bag and wasted no time in leaving; She had survived dinner with a klutz.

Overall, a cute story.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1088
1088
Review of The Four Men  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Laughingman

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

What a nice poem here, told almost in a sing song format, or maybe it's from a child's point of view. Either way, it's very cute, and so true. It's a shame that people act this way, afraid to be the first to 'let go'. This is well written with a nice rhyming scheme. While the rhythm wasn't always consistent, the sing-song quality of it remained, and allowed me to overlook that small part. I did see one thing you may want to look at in this.

1. "Yellow man, drop you gun I think you meant your, not you.


Overall, very well done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1089
1089
Review of Ask For Help  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Louise,
Such a sad poem you have here. It is nicely written, with a good flow to it. The story told is what makes this so powerful though. If I were to offer a suggestion, it would be to center this on the page, and since the first two verses are four lines long, then the last should be. However, I don't think you should delete any lines, so I'd add a couple, and end up with two additional four line verses. Nicely done!

Sum1
1090
1090
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
DR Smith,
Wow, always refreshing to read something very original. Nice job! Your rhyming is great, and while the rhythm isn't perfect, you get into a flow while reading it, and can ignore small things. I did see one small misspelled word, but it's so minor.

“Olla, muchachos, and those on parole, Olla should be Ola

Well Done!

Sum1
1091
1091
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Breshke,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is a pretty humorous story you have here. A couple, lost in the woods, rained on, and semi-stranded in a run down cabin. And the big question he wants to pop is about a puppy. Nice twist there at the end. This flows decently well, the dialog doesn't seem to be forced, but there were times where the plot seemed a little forced. All in all though, a nice read. I did see a couple of things you may want to look at in this story.

1. Rather than getting mad like her normally would, Peter just smiled and shrugged it off, saying that they could just follow their tracks back to the cabin. Rather than getting mad like he normally would

2. Just as he opened his to ask her the question that would change both of their lives forever, thunder sounded up ahead, followed seconds later by pouring rain. I think you meant to use the word 'mouth', but somehow erased it.

3. Peter gulped nervously; this day was definitely not doing the way he had planned on it going. I think you meant this day was definitely not going the way
And you should delete the last three words in the sentence, they are redundant.

Overall, well done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1092
1092
Review of Walls  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
BScholl,
Absolutely lovely! I love the rhyming and rhythm of this poem. It took me a second to get into the flow, but once I did, it flowed so smoothly. If I were to suggest anything at all, it would be a minor one. The last line, None shall see it, no one that is... except for me. I think it would be a bit stronger, more powerful, if ,,,, None shall see it, none that is... except me. Just my thought on this.

Very well done!

Sum1
1093
1093
Review of Madam Grey  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (2.0)
Dear Fruanc,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

I found this on the 'Shameless Plug' page asking for reviews and suggestions, and thought I would look at this. This is an interesting topic to write about, and you've taken on the challenge. I like the idea of your character, and describing her in some detail. And you have some nice ideas there too, but,,,

This needs quite a bit of editing for it to receive good reviews from future reviewers. There are numerous grammatical errors throughout the story; I've noted twelve, but I didn't get completely through it before I stopped copying and pasting as part of this review. The other thing I see in this, is that you tend to jump around in telling the story, moving from topic to topic, then back later on, making it difficult to understand exactly what you're trying to say. I'm not trying to pick this apart and say it's a bad story; quite the opposite! I like the story, and the idea behind it, you just need to edit it, and get the plot to flow more smoothly. I do have some comments on it that you may want to consider.

1. Now normally one would think of almost all witches as stereotypically being ugly old hags, who flew around on equally ugly old broomsticks. You use the word flew here as in past tense, yet you're speaking of Madam Grey in the present tense. I think fly is the word you're looking to use.

2. After all most witch’s were older than younger; You need a comma after 'all', and witch's should be witches.

3. Old as the idea was brooms still hadn’t gone out of style. You should have a comma after was. You should also start this sentence with 'as. As old as the idea is, brooms still haven't gone out of style. Notice that we've kept the reader in the present (is, and haven't), not the past (was, hadn't)

4. Course some witch’s had settled for less conservative means of travel. Of course, some witches had settled for a less conservative means of travel. Be careful in writing that you don't fall in to using every street slang. You would not start this sentence with course, it would 'of course'.

5. Godmothers aged too, but their magic was a little kinder on their visage. This is one of the early places where you jumped around on the topic. You've been telling the reader about Madam Grey all along, now you've jumped to the side and tell us about Godmothers. And it's only one line, then you're back to telling us about Madam Grey.

6. Madam Grey had known the whole build a house of candy in a magic forest to entice unsuspecting children to become your next meal was trouble the moment she heard the idea. When you're telling us about this, put the descriptive part about the idea in single quotation marks. Madam Grey had known the whole 'build a house of candy in a magic forest to entice unsuspecting children to become your next meal' was trouble the moment she heard the idea.

7. In that same week large purchases of baking ingredients were made by a bunch of little old ladies dressed in dark clothing with peculiar pointy hats. There should be a comma after week, and clothing, to give the reader a natural pause.

8. What usually happened was that a witch would get greedy and build to close to a village. Homonym error. It should be 'Too close', not 'to close'.

9. Not long after the first few vanished the kids would wise up, developing, the hit and run tactic. A comma should be after vanished. But I also don't understand what this sentence is saying, and though you're missing the comma after vanished, you don't need one after developing.

10. Build to close and they'd eat you out of house and home. Homonym error again, it should be 'too close'.

11. In all honesty the places were just to much work to keep up for the amount of repairs you had to do on the exterior. Yes, homonym error again. Too, not to

12. She could get a brake on the rates too since it would be right after peek season what with Halloween and all. Again, a homonym error, but a different word this time. It should be break, not brake.

Interesting story, one I'd like to read again, once you've had a chance to edit it.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1094
1094
Review of Delivering Anvils  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Dean,

Please remember I am a writer who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is an interesting story of your life when you were very young, working what was most likely your first job. I liked the story, I smiled when you met that young girl and dropping the anvil on your toe twice. I kept waiting for it to flow into a complete story, but it didn't seem to ever reach a conclusion. Your opening sentence is not supported by your closing lines. In opening you asked if we knew there was a job such as delivering anvils. (I'd never heard of that). Yet in closing the story, you said, "So, if you want to know what it's like to woo a girl while you are in intense pain, try dropping a 200 pound anvil on your big toe." It seems to me that a better introduction for the story (and first sentence/paragraph) would be, "Have you ever tried to woo a young girl while in intense pain? Let me tell you of my experience in doing that." Now you have an introduction of what the story is really all about (delivering anvils, dropping one on your big toe twice because a beautiful young girl distracted you), and a closing line to make it complete. But those are just my thoughts, you wrote this, and only you know what you want this story to say.
Please remember that my comments below are only suggestions, I would never try and tell you how to tell your story. I did notice a few things you may want to look at in this story:

1. Anyway, as I lifted up the heavy anvil into the trunk, Andy, watching, he said,

"Careful son.... the last two boys got hernias doing that.." You shouldn't use the multiple periods for a pause. A semi-colon or comma will work, but a semi-colon is better to give a 'longer pause'. You do this several times throughout the story (a habit I also have). Be careful starting sentences with conjunctions like And, So, Anyway etc. I would delete the word anyway. Also, since you're lifting the anvil into the trunk and he's watching, the dialog should be in the same paragraph as the sentence before. Perhaps a slightly better wording would be, As I lifted up the heavy anvil into the trunk with Andy watching, he said, "Careful son, the last two boys got hernias doing that.."

2. Making my first delivery I made it in 30 minutes so I already made an extra 50 cents so things were looking up. You use the word so twice in one line and don't need to. The line reads a bit awkward, and could be worded a little differently. Again, maybe this would work for you. My first delivery was completed in 30 minutes, so I had already made an extra 50 cents; things were looking up.

3. For the next ffew days and I only missed my deadline once, having a flat tire. This line doesn't read correctly. I think you're trying to say that over the next few days you only missed you deadline once, but (or you can use and) that was due to a flat tire. You also have an extra 'f' in few

4. One day I was thrilled that the shop, where I saw the girl, ordered another anvil. Once in a while, we start using something too often, and in this story, you've fallen in love with comma's. All that does is make the reader pause in reading when they wouldn't normally. I would delete the first comma.

5. Standing at the dock, waiting for me, my heart pounded at her sight. You should add 'She was' to the start of this sentence, and delete the first comma, change the second one to a semi-colon.

6. As she stood closer she asked if she could help, but I said,

"No...it's cinch." Again, the dialog should be in the same paragraph as the description before it.

7. As my toe throbbed with massive pain, again, tears ran down my cheeks. As my toe throbbed once again with massive pain, tears ran down my cheeks. See the difference between one line, and the other, and how they read?

8. Telling her in a calm voice, I replied,

"No... I'd rather you didn't touch it." The dialog belongs with the previous paragraph.

Overall, a nice interesting story.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1095
1095
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Countrymom,
Very good! Hope I'm doing as well at seventy five as you are; I'm about twenty years behind you. Just a quick comment on this. Of course it's written very well, and flows so smoothly, like a good whiskey going down. But I did see one thing for you to look at.

if tmes were bad, it was no concern of mine.

You forgot the I in times.

Sum1
1096
1096
Review of All In A Lifetime  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Countrymom,
This poem speaks to me as one filled with memories, and pain. But such is life, isn't it? This flows very smoothly, your rhyme and rhythm are very good. My only comment would be that in the second verse, you have the word resolve, followed by a period. Shouldn't the next word be capitalized?

Overall, very nicely done!

Sum1
1097
1097
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Firesign,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is a cute, interesting poem, one that flows very nicely. While the rhythm isn't always the same, the flow of the lines almost makes one overlook that. If I may be so bold, I have a couple of suggestions for you:

1. Center the text on the page. When you create the item on Writing.com, there's a tool bar above the main text area. You can use that to center text, make the title bold, change font, etc. It would give this poem a much more polished look.

2. Their in my own head but I'm in control, Their should be they're

Overall, a very nice, enjoyable poem.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1098
1098
Review of Away  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Charlotte,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Wow, what a story! I kept waiting for her to wake up from a nightmare, wake up from a coma, whatever. But she didn't, never escaped from the tragedy unfolding around her. This is written very well, I could not find any grammatical errors. The flow of the plot kept me involved throughout the story, as if I was there watching what was going on.

Excellently done!

Sum1
1099
1099
Review of Zippy  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Legerdemain,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

You know, I'm a push over for a nice poem, especially ones that seem perfect for young children. I saw images as I read this, until the small twist at the end. Then, I saw others, and realized what a nice children's poem this is. It is well written, with a rhyme and rhythm that seems to flow easily without causing the reader to pause. Thank you for the wonderful read!

Very well done!

Sum1
1100
1100
Review of Love's Eyes  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Lainey,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

What a lovely poem! I see the same thing in someone's eyes, she's on WDC here, and recommended I read this. Your rhyme scheme is good, even with the use of now twice in the first verse. I love this poem and it's simplicity, but if I may, there are a few things you may want to look at in this.

1. I'd start some of the lines with something other than Eyes, even though it's the topic of the poem. The same can apply to 'no longer, which you used twice in one verse. Don't get me wrong, this your poem, and beautiful as it is. But it could be so much more powerful is all. So, IF you want to, edit this, and look for the use of words multiple times. In a poem this short, it can detract a little from the reading.

Overall though, very nicely done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1,246 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 50 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/44