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3,282 Public Reviews Given
3,330 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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1051
1051
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dracowolf,
         You know, it's not every day that you read something, and you realized that what you intended to say is there in black and white. How many times have each of us thought or said words close to this, but never really said exactly what we wanted to? This is very good, but I'm puzzled by the text in bold. I don't understand what you mean by 'proceeded'. Modified yes, changed yes, but proceeded confuses me. And yuor first and last line, I'd change one word. What should be WHO! *Smile* People are not what's, we're someone, but WHO are we? And WHO do we want to be? Especially, who do we want to be for that special someone, because being that WHO, we also become what they want and need. But in the end, we are still someone, still a WHO.

Jim
1052
1052
Review of Sunset Mountain  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Katrina,
         You know your stories always amaze me at their length, pretty short, yet at the same time, very deep. I have noticed that a lot of your stories end almost the same, or have very similar themes. I think this one is a bit like the one about the soldiers wife getting the letter about her husbands death, yet knowing about it beforehand. Some of your others are like this too. This isn't a bad thing, because you write them so beautifully. I only have one comment on this one, shown below.

Addison will explain when meet him. You left 'you' out of this sentence.

Very well done honey!

Sum1
1053
1053
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Finch,
         What a powerful poem you have here. There were many images created in my mind as I read this, but I get the impression that the picture is the prompt, yet the poem speaks as if the person is in a prison (razor drains the soul, for example). I see a lighthouse, so I don't see how they are imprisoned there. But still, the words do carry a lot of weight. Nicely written, it flows well!

Sum1
1054
1054
Review of Let Me Go  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Katrina,
         I have to say "Wow!" again, i found this to be very powerful. But then, stories about veterans always hit me hard. Well written, I think it would hit anyone decently hard. Just a couple of comments.

1. Your kids, here at my request, I am sorry to call you back. Your should be you're.

2. Cadets looked at each other in mass confusion, as if the shock of loosing Donnelly wasn’t enough, now Gunny was leaving too. Loosing should be losing.

         Nicely done though! Very moving.

Jim
1055
1055
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


InkWellSprings,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         What a nice humorous story you told here! I loved the idea of being taken to the ER due to a carrot top in your mouth. I think all of us have done something like that as a child, but I'm sure it was caught before a trip like that. My favorite part was your father's comment about the lump switching from the right cheek to the left. Nicely done!

Sum1
1056
1056
Review of A Special Mom.  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Brom,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Seeing that today is your 1 year anniversary, Happy WDC Anniversary!

         I can think of no one better to write a beautiful poem for, than your mother. This is from the heart, that is easily seen. The only comment I have on it, is that you use the word 'me' to end the last three lines, and that just makes it less powerful than it otherwise could be. Overall though, well done!

Sum1
1057
1057
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Kare,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 6th WDC Anniversary!

         When I started reading this, I was immediately curious as to why he would wash her brassiere (I think that's the correct spelling, not brazier, which are glowing coals). I found the rhyme and rhythm to be missing, but it didn't bother me one bit, the story is most important. Then I read the last verse, and I was hit with a ton of bricks. What an emotional, powerful ending to your poem! Well done!

Sum1
1058
1058
Review of Black Roses  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Amay,
         I know your 1 year WDC Anniversary is rapidly approaching, so I thought I better stop in and provide you with an Anniversary review!

         What an incredibly sad story of love lost before it could mature fully. Having spent my time in the military, I can appreciate everything you've written. I've been a pall bearer for a military comrade, even if he didn't die fighting an enemy of the United States. To me, this is beautifully written, bringing tears to the eyes of those who can appreciate what she went through. I do have a little feedback for you.



Title: Perfect for this story.


Description: I think you description could be longer. Tell us (the reader) why we should read this. It's your chance to sell yourself and your story, so do that!



Characters: You made Angie very real to me.


Rough spots?:
1. Following their son, Frank and Ann stood tall as military protocol dictated to the Admiral and his wife. I don't get this sentence. Something seems missing, and I can't place my finger on it.

2. Tears flooded over them as she flung herself into his arms. I know what you're saying here, but did tears flood over the two of them, or over her eyes?

3. The present, ripped away by a roadside bomb that blew off side of the humvee where he was sitting; I think you need 'the' between off and side.

Overall Impressions: A beautiful story of love and devotion, of a young man taken before his time. Well done!

Sum1
1059
1059
Review of Louis  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Mrs. Whatsit,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by for a visit. Happy 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty amusing story of life in a small southern town. Your use of 'southern slang' made it even more so. I think only a true southerner could tell if your slang is accurate or not, so I won't even try to comment on that. I could almost picture Mrs. Fangoli, Sheila, and Seraphina in my mind as I read this. And telling it from a somewhat young person's point of view was a nice touch, even if we never got to learn their relationship to Louis. I do have a little feedback for you on this.



Title: Appropriate for this story.


Description: I really think descriptions are very important, they are like the prologue in a book that gives you a little insight into what's contained in the book. Yours did well, it drew me in to read this.


Grammar: Not being from the south, I can't tell much about your southern terms, but that's fine. I should get edu-macated (*Smile*) if I want to understand terms from an area I've not lived in much.



Characters: I could see Louis, Seraphina, Mrs. Fangoli, and Sheila, but the narrator remained a mystery to me. Was that on purpose?



Rough spots?:
1. He was lucky, at that, that he only lost his legs - he still had his girlfriend, Sheila. It seems you can delete the first comma, it's not needed.


Overall Impressions: An amusing story of life, and death, in a small southern town. Well done!

Sum1
1060
1060
Review of The Tech Guy  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
BScholl,
         I am always amazed at the lack of 'tech savvy' in people. If this is a true story of your office life, you and I share a common bond. *Smile* This is nicely written, it made me smile the whole way through because I've had many of the same comments from my co-workers and friends. And like your friends, mine think I'm a magician with things, but I know different. I love the end, with the comment about 'the' look, I've seen it way too often. So I wonder, are we different? Or are we surrounded by people who don't have a clue when it comes to knowing how something works? Well done!

Sum1
1061
1061
Review of Tap the Muse  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Joy,
         I saw your suitcase on the *Cakeb* Anniversary Review *Giftb* page, and though it's 18 days early, Happy 10th WDC Anniversary!

         I still consider myself somewhat of a newbie here, I've never participated in an in & out before, having only submitted items for reviews, or entered contests. I love the idea of this, and the many responses you've received to the daily 'given word'. I may return to visit this often, since many of us have used this to request reviews. What a gold mine of stories and poems waiting for review! *Smile* I don't have any suggestions for this, other than to keep it going!

Sum1
1062
1062
Review of Apocolyptic  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*



Jpenwomen,
         I saw your suitcase on the WDC Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I have to admit, this is a very different story you have here. But I wonder, were her dreams ones of the worlds end, or her own death? It's a very interesting concept, and very interesting story. It does need a little help so it can get excellent reviews and grades in the future. I have a little feedback for you that I hope will help it get there.



Title: The title is appropriate for this, but it's misspelled. Apocalyptic is the correct spelling.


Description: Your description is good, but you could make it a little longer to entice more readers in. You have 90 characters to use, so use them to do that!



Rough spots?: You may want to do a little editing and sprucing on this story.

1. You should use writingml to help with the formatting of this story. The command { indent } (minus the spaces between the brackets and the word) at the start of each paragraph to indent the first line.

2. My eyes become heavier and y mind clouds with a mist of exhaustion. I think you meant my, not y.

3. Sadness, pain and suffering the overruling emotion. My breathing becomes quicker and shallower, my body withering in pain. You might want to add 'are' between suffering and the, it would read better. Did you mean withering? Or maybe writhing? Withering would mean their body slowly becoming less and less, whereas writhing would mean they were moving very agitated about on the bed while sleeping.

4. As many times as I’ve seen these picturing racing through my subconscious they never cease to shock me. Picturing should be pictures.

5. I see tears, lost of tears. Lots, not lost, but it would be better to say "A lot of tears."

6. Sweat sticks to my body, giving me more reason to fear, one thought clouds my mind. They’re getting worse. Somehow my always-constant visions are changing, filled with more pain and suffering then I’m used to. I think the first sentence should be two, with the second sentence remaining the second one, maybe like this. Sweat sticks to my body, giving me more reason to fear. One thought clouds my mind, they’re getting worse. Somehow my always-constant visions are changing, filled with more pain and suffering than I’m used to. Notice that then is changed to than.

7. Another fearful though creeps in to my head, the visions suddenly stopped at the end. Though should be thought, and in to should be one word.

8. The past few days since the visions changed all I can help but do it obsess over every little detail of the dream, every detail of the dream that I can remember at least. This is worded roughly, and does not read well at all. I think you meant something like this. In the days after the visions changed, all I can do is obsess over every little detail of the dream, at least every detail I can remember that is.

9. I scream in terror, the pain becoming more then I can handle. Then should be than.



Overall Impressions: A very interesting story about the end of the world, it just needs a little TLC to help it receive much better review grades.

Sum1
1063
1063
Review of I Can  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Anngel,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 4th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a really good poem you've written about things you can feel, see, or hear. I love different poetry forms, and love trying my hand at writing them. I've never heard of a 'tuanortsa' format, but do know what a palindrome is. So a tuanortsa would be like a palindrome, reading the same forwards and backwards. That would mean that the first line is the last, the second line is the next to last, and so on, until you have one line in the center. (Radar is a palindrome, the 'd' is not repeated, so there would be no need to have a center line in the poem that is repeated). I don't think you're poem meets the tuanortsa criteria as a result, because if I read it from bottom to top, it does not read the same. That doesn't mean it's not a beautiful poem, it just means it's not a true tuanortsa.

         Overall though, nicely done.

Sum1
1064
1064
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Audra,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         You had me smiling throughout this story/essay. While I'm only separated (no intention of divorcing, don't ask, there isn't enough room on all the WDC servers to explain why we're not divorcing), I can definitely relate to your description of dating now. My favorite parts were the ones about your son being appalled, and the list of before and after priorities. Well done! I hope you manage to find that Prince Charming,,, *Bigsmile*

Sum1
1065
1065
Review of February Second  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*



Amay,
Interesting poem here, repeating things, like in the movie of the same name. I think you know the answer to the last line, at least you better! I could never write something like this in 28 words, you did well in doing this. A big challenge if you ask me, I've tried the six word contest, and it's tough too. Well done though.

Sum1
1066
1066
Review of Bad Tires  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Hello there,
Forgive me, but I have trouble addressing you as 'Dumb White Guy' *Bigsmile* I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a look.

This is an interesting story about a somewhat eccentric woman who thinks she can control the world. While you didn't delve into it a lot in your story, I'm willing to bet that if she were married, her husband would be at her beck and call. You described the setting well, and it seemed as if she thought she really was in control of everything surrounding her. I also got the impression that she was of medium build (don't know why, because you didn't describe her), light brown hair that was slowly graying at the temples. Funny how things can hit you as you read something, and that's a credit to you and the images you painted without saying anything. *Smile* All in all, a nice story. I did see one thing you may want to look at.


1. and tomorrow being the twentieth, each porch would soon have its own single jack-o-lantern. You had a period before the word 'and', so this should be capitalized.
1067
1067
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Sourmaniack,
         I found this on the static item page, and thought I'd give it a look over. I know how hard it can be to write something really good for the Writer's Cramp, and you've met the challenge with this. It is a good story of a lonely woman whose relationship with her husband has faded to somewhat less than a memory. I found myself feeling a bit like her, and felt a lot of sadness in reading this because of her situation. I do have a little feedback for you about it.



Title: Very nice for this story.


Description: You did nicely telling us it was written for the Writer's Cramp. But now that the contest for that date is over, you may want to move that to the story content as a prologue to the story, and tell us why we want to read this in the description. This is your chance to sell yourself, let's see you do it! *Smile*


Grammar: Very good with a couple of very minor errors.


Spelling: Very good.



Characters: You made Alex seem very real to me, I've seen hundreds of men like him, so I had a vision of him easily. Cindy wasn't so easy for me to see in my mind. Other than essentially taking care of everything around the house, we didn't get to know her very well in this. I know you had a word limit, and that may have been the reason, but now you can add more if you choose, and tell us more about her.



Rough spots?:

1. “Pass the mustard.” This line is indented more than other lines in the story that start a paragraph.

2. “It wouldn’t matter to you what I was doing as long as I dropped it to do your bidding,” Cindy thought as she filled in the wooden parts of the pirate ship with a burnt sienna crayon. “I didn’t marry you to be your slave.” When I first read this, I wasn't sure if Cindy said the first part out loud or not, then in reviewing it again, I would say she was thinking those words, not speaking them. Yet you have the second part of her thinking italicized, so it made it confusing. You may want to somehow identify which is her speaking to Alex, and which is her thinking. You used the italics again in the next paragraph, so maybe she was speaking, but it's still a little confusing.

3. Shaking her head again she dropped the empty can in the trash and returned to her chair at the table. It seems you need a comma after again, it reads like one should be there.

4. By the time the pirate ship was floating on a green sea below a brilliant blue sky, the storm had passed and he was snoring in his chair. I think it should be, "By that time,,," (Minus to quotation marks of course), but use a comma after time.

5. She loved the silky texture and the shading she could do produce with simple wax and a smooth technique. It seems you need to delete do in this sentence.


Overall Impressions: Overall, a good story that just needs a little TLC so it can get even better reviews and grade from future readers. Nicely done!

Sum1
1068
1068
Review of Reflections  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ken,
         As always, you write a beautiful poem of love. I think you excel at that, more so than when you write about other subjects. I think it's because of the special love you had for your wife. Beautifully written, flows smoothly as you read it, even if one doesn't read it out loud. Well done!

Sum1
1069
1069
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
T.E. Caminiti,
         Are you sure that you and Eric Wharton aren't brothers? He wrote an excellent essay called The Sentence Amusement Park
STATIC
3.1 The Sentence Amusement Park Open in new Window. (13+)
A playland filled with poor sentence structure.
#1090999 by Eric Wharton Author IconMail Icon
. I found that to be incredibly helpful to me in improving my writing. I love to write, but I was never very good in my English studies. I can't identify a verb, adverb, adjective, or any of their brothers in a sentence. I think I write decently well, but I let others be the judge of that. I write for me, and I'm thankful I have people on this site like you to educate me on how to properly use the English language.

         This is well written, and for me, helps me understand my language a little more, even at this somewhat late age. Thank you for writing this, every little bit helps. And believe it or not, I enjoyed reading it. Maybe it's time for me to take an English class at a local community college. Thanks again for the enjoyable read.

Sum1
1070
1070
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Nihon,
         Welcome to Writing.com, or WDC as we affectionately call it! I see you're new here, and hope you find this to be a wonderful place to improve your writing skills, and help us all do the same. After all, that's our goal isn't it? To become better writers.

         This is an interesting poem you have here. I love the images you places in my mind about the roaring dragon confined in its prison. Then you calmed the beast by introducing the power of music, very nice! If I may, I have a little feedback for you about this.



Title: Very good for this poem


Description: Your description is good, not as long as it could be, but I'm not sure it needs to be longer for this poem.


General Comments:
1. Placed there by those that hated and feared the creature.

2. These two lines start with 'Its', and just jumps out at the reader. You may want to consider changing one of these.

Its feet pounded and stomped,
Its tail swung and crushed.

3. The next two lines after the ones mentioned in comment 2 both end in 'anger'. Again, you may want to find another word to use to end one of them.



Rhyme/Rhythm: Being a free verse poem, this has little rhyme or rhythm, but then, it doesn't need it.



Overall impressions: An interesting poem about a caged dragon. I would love to see it in rhyme, and a bit longer. Maybe tell us how the dragon became imprisoned in the first place, does it ever get out, and if so, how? Overall though, nicely done!

Sum1
1071
1071
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Robert,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit.

         You know, very seldom am I at a loss for words, but this is one of those times. I really don't know what to say, this reminds me a lot of the original 'The Ring', or the Japanese version, 'Ringu'. It seems to me that an evil that one can't understand or comprehend inhabits this little girls body, and after she dies, everyone who looks in her eyes does too. I was chilled reading this, even though I had my small heater going in my room. Well written, a bit scary, very disturbing! Well done!

Sum1
1072
1072
Review of A Family Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dianne,
          I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, I'm not sure what to say. What a terrible, sad story you've written here. It is well written, flows nicely. I think the only thing I would comment on, is that Sean and Janie's initial dialog about accident didn't seem 'normal'. I'm sure a lot of different things would be said, a lot more said in that phone call. Other than that, it is a very powerful story that flows from a good, loving atmosphere, to tragedy. Well done!

Sum1
1073
1073
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Lydia,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 3rd Anniversary!

         You have an interesting poem here that speaks of love in words not said, yet a sad love all the same. It is beautiful, but I'm not sure why 'kind of poem' this is. However, I do know this is a nice poem, beautiful as it is. You seemed to want to use 'Old English', but weren't sure of when, or their correct use. (I could be wrong though about that). But I do have some feedback for you.


Title: You have the title on the title line above the poem, but it is not a part of the poem. If it has a title, then the title is a part of the poem, and should be in the body of the text.


Description: I think your description does not do this justice. There is far more you could say about this poem to entice a reader in, after all, you have 92 characters you can use.



Grammar: The use of 'Old English' mixed with modern wordings made this a hard read. I'm not sure some of the words you used are part of Old English. An example would be 'shall'th' (it seems 'Shalt' would fit here instead). I'm willing to bet that if you read an old version of a King James Bible (the Ten Commandments in the book of Exodus in particular), you'd find the words you want to use in this poem.


General Comments:1. You used 'each' to start two consecutive lines, as well as 'written' (which was used three times in those two lines) and 'how'. This tends to detract from the read because it makes the reader think that you didn't have other words at your disposal to use.

2. The last verse has three lines, while the rest have two, and threw me off when I read it. If this part of the poem structure, then forgive my ignorance, and this comment please.

3. These lines are wonderful, but it's a good example of a misuse of Old English.
Does thy cry for truth?
Shall’th the words be the proof?

It seems this would fit a little better, but I'm using it only as an example.

Why doth thy cry for the truth?
Shan't my words be the proof?

Rhyme/Rhythm: The rhyme was very good, until the last verse, the rhythm varied, but fit the read nicely.



Overall impressions: A beautiful poem that just needs a bit of TLC for it to be a wonderful, emotional read.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1074
1074
Review of The campaign  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wally,
         Welcome to WDC, I'm glad you joined! I know this is your first posting, but am hoping you'll post many more items, and enjoy this site like I have.

         This is an interesting story about a meeting in the middle of the night, on what sounds like the coldest night of the past decade. You leave the reader guessing about why this meeting is so necessary on such a night, hiding the outcome until the very end. Nicely done there! I found that because of this, it kept me reading to the end, even though it was late last night when I finally logged on. I liked this a lot, but do have a little feedback for you.


Title: I think the title is off the mark a little. True, the meeting is because a man wants to hide something hideous from his past, something he fears will cause the people of his state to not elect him governor. But to me, a more appropriate title would be 'The Meeting'.


Description: Descriptions seem to be a weak point for everyone here on WDC, my self included. It's our chance to sell our product, and I think yours does a nice job in drawing a reader in.



Characters: We got to know the main character decently well, but I would like to have known a little more. I guess it's that 'inquiring mind' thing in me. We didn't learn much about the man he was meeting though, and in a way, it's understandable, since this was about the candidate; but still, it would have been nice to know a little more about who he was meeting.



Rough spots?:
1. You tend to overuse comma's on some places. I've provided an example from the first line. "I was waiting by the side of the road as the arctic wind whipped the collars of my jacket into my ears, hard and fast, to create a frantic and painful beat." It seems the comma after ears could be deleted without affecting the read.

2. In the second paragraph you start the first two sentences with 'sure'. This seems to attract unwanted attention, at least when I read it. Maybe you could change the second one to 'of course', or something like that.

3. About halfway down it slowed to a stop with an exhaustive moan. It wasn’t going any farther on a night like tonight. I shouldn’t have come this far. But like the window, I couldn’t turn back now. This part should be with the previous paragraph since it's about the same subject.

4. “Of course” was my chilled reply. You need a comma after course in this line. The same comment applies in the next paragraph when the other man says "Of course."

5. Even if I wasn’t worried about my career then (which I wasn’t) there was no good that could every come from this behavior. I think you mean ever, not every.



Overall Impressions: This is a cute story that I think anyone can relate to. After all, we all have skeletons in our closet! *Smile*

Sum1
1075
1075
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Chickenkeeper,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I find this story to be a bit sad, you obviously love your pets/animals, and you felt a bond with this one. I find human-animal relationships to be fascinating, mainly because the average human takes the animal for granted, whereas the animal adores their human keeper (on average of course). I'm wondering if you ever proved your hypothesis about the weasel, it must have caught her while she was focused on getting a bug outside the coop or something.

         I do have a little feedback for you.

Title: Very interesting, and proper for this story.


Description: Your description is very good, it's what caused me to stop and read this.


Grammar: I noticed no errors.


Spelling: I noticed no errors.



Characters: I guess your main character was Buffy (besides yourself), you created a nice image of her in my mind.


Rough spots?:1. I would center the title on the page of the story.

2. I fed my two dogs Ivan and Anna and my cat Pia. I would think a comma after dogs and Anna would improve this line.

3. I watched one in particular-Buffy was just out of chick-hood and was a brown and black and orange-ish bird with a very sweet personality. This sentence reads a little awkward. I think it could be worded better so it would read smoother. A suggestion for it would be, "I watched one in particular,Buffy. She was a brown and black and orange-ish bird just out of chick-hood with a very sweet personality."

4. I soon grew bored of watching my birds bustle around busily eating bugs, so I went in the house again. I soon left for the store, a haircut, and gifts for my father; when I returned the mystery was revealed. You use the word soon in two consecutive lines, you might want to delete one, or reword it somehow. Your last part says 'mystery was revealed', but so far there was no mystery. I would think that before it was a 'mystery' in your mind, that you'd be shocked, saddened, and stunned. Maybe, (again, my own thoughts here), "when I returned I was shocked to see a chicken lying on the ground in the run, the rest huddled inside the coop clucking in fear, no doubt witnesses to the dastardly deed."

5. In several cases, you used a hyphen to stop one train of thought, and start another. The 'usual' thing to do is use comma's. I'm not saying it's wrong, I just found it to be different.

6. I prepare to give Buffy a funeral pyre later this evening and I wish that there was someway to prove my hypothesis that the killer was a weasel. I think you meant prepared.



Overall Impressions: Overall, a sad story of loss. Nicely written, the flow keeps the reader involved. Well done!

Sum1

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