\"Writing.Com
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/43
Review Requests: ON
3,523 Public Reviews Given
3,571 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
<    ...  39  40  41  42  43  44  45  46  47  48  ...   >
1051
1051
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Confused,
         This is very cute, but if you're really a Dr. Seuss fan, then you need to break it up like he would. If I may make a suggestion for it...

If the cat goes “meow”,

the dog goes “woof”,

and the lamb goes “baaa!”


What if by chance,

the dog went “baaa”,

the cat went “woof”,

the lamb went “meow”?

What would happen then?

Would the goldfish turn purple,

the llama turn green?

Would up be down,

and change everything?


I just centered it on the page, and made each small question a line of its own. Your poem is cute, good enough to make a children's book out of it if you can find an artist who can draw you some pictures of what you're describing here! *Smile* Well done!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1052
1052
Review of The Master  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Winterlady,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         I like this idea of your poem here, it speaks volumes in a very short space. I think it could say so much more too though. First, what I liked.

What you say with few words. There's no need to be verbose and tell the reader everything. That's what I love about this poem.

What I think could be edited to make this a bit better.

Having a different number of lines in the verses throws the reader off. You have 13 lines that could be 12, or 16 if you wanted to add to this, so use four lines per verse (A Quatrain).

Make each line complete so it reads well. An example is these two:

All winter long he touched
me hand to hand.


I know what you're saying here, but it reads a little off since 'me' starts the second line. I also don't understand what you mean by he touched me hand to hand. Those words just don't go well together. But I'm not really sure what you really intend to say here, so I won't conjecture. But how about ...

All winter long he touched me,
lightly, lovingly, everywhere,
Our hearts united as one


That's just a guess on my part as far as what you intended to say. I don't want to presume, but wanted to try and give you an idea is all.

         If you do choose to edit this, please let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and re-rate/re-review for you.



Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1053
1053
Review of The Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Mari,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I've never written, nor read, a Clarity Pyramid before, but yours fits the requirements very well. Every word fits where needed, describing the Rose nicely while using the words/syllables required by this form (Thank you for including the form requirements so this ignorant one can appreciate how difficult this must have been to write). Very nicely done!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1054
1054
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Charlie,
         I saw this on the static page and thought I'd give it a read/review. You have a very nice story here, almost like Puff The Magic Dragon, which I loved. You tell this well, I found myself almost in a rhythm, but then a line would appear, and the rhythm of it would be totally different. This is a story written in a poem type form really, that's why I seemed to fall into a rhythm reading it. I did a little counting, and found some lines were about 13-14 syllables long, but would then be followed by a line 7-8 syllables long. If you could make them all somewhat close to the same syllable count, this would read a lot smoother, and be a much stronger story/poem. Here's a few comments for you on it.



Title:  Very good for this story, fits it well.



Description:  To me, your description could be placed right above the main story line. Write something that will hook a reader. Make them WANT to drop in and read this. An example would be, "The adventures of Claude, a toy firetruck, and their boy growing up." That's about 70 of the 90 characters we're allotted to describe our items on WDC. *Smile*



Grammar:  I noticed no errors.




My Favorite Part:  The whole story, you wove this well.





General Comments:  

1. Since this is formatted in a poem format, the reader tries to get into a rhythm. If you can edit this a bit and make it a little more even, it will read much better.

2. You might consider making this a 'quatrain', four lines to a verse. See what you think on that idea.

3. In some places you have a period to end a line/sentence, but the next one seems to carry on with the previous line. An example is,

"So Claude started living in the tree house tree,

fun filled days seemed to be with out end.

For Claude, the boy, and a fire truck toy,

and some serious games of pretend.


Now let's take it out of it's current format, and see how it looks and reads.

So Claude started living in the tree house tree, fun filled days seemed to be with out end. For Claude, the boy, and a fire truck toy, and some serious games of pretend.

What you see is a sentence that isn't complete, "For Claude, the boy, and a fire truck toy, and some serious games of pretend."

This is very minor really, but read it aloud, pausing at comma's and ending at period's. See what you think before you make any edits. This is your story, you know how you want it to read.

4. If you want this to read like a poem, look at your rhyming. Some are excellent and read well, others are almost non-existent. Again, your choice. *Smile*




Overall impressions:  All in all, a very enjoyable read of a young boy's adventures with two of his toys.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1055
1055
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Kimarie,
         I saw this on the static item page, and thought I'd give it a read/review, and I'm glad I did. I love your sense of humor in this! And I have to say, I agree wholeheartedly with you on it. This flows well, and despite being short, I think if it was much longer, you'd lose a reader quickly. I don't think you have too much to worry about concerning your Native American name. It should be 'she who walks through the forest without leaving a sound'. *Smile* (Don't ask where that came from, it popped in my head) Well done here!



Sum1

*Boat*  Another I.N.K.E.D Blot!  *Boat*


1056
1056
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Sharkdaddy,
         I found your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary! Happy Anniversary and Merry Christmas....

         I remember this prompt in the contest, your Nonet poem fits the image very nicely. The story it tells fits in well too, I love the idea of going home at last. The image brings this to the forefront. Your poem sounds like a person returning home after life's journey, maybe for the last time before they are called to the next life. Well done!

Sum1
1057
1057
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Beck,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this special occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I found this to be a cute essay about shopping in a grocery store. You used some wonderful analogies in it to bring your points home. I loved the traffic one! Your rules made the story if you ask me, more people (not just men, I've seen women who don't obey the rules too!) need to read this. They would learn a few things, as well as smiling the entire time. I do have a few comments for you on it.



Title:  Excellent for this essay.



Description:  Excellent, it's what caused me to decide this needed to be read.



Grammar:  Very good.




My Favorite Part:  The tips you gave men regarding helping women when they were standing in the way of something they wanted off a shelf.





General Comments:  

1. These could not be the cause. These should be this.

2. Now, I do my meat shopping at a local meat market, but for my other shopping I turn straight the Retail Devil himself (Wal-Mart). I think you left 'to' out of this line, between straight and the.

3. They may sprint out of nowhere or reach seemingly across the entire aisle toward these items, but, if you run into or over one, you are 100% at fault. I think a semi-colon after items would work a little better than a comma.

4. If you are truly contemplating a difficult purchase (something more than a can of peas) and are approached by a woman who obviously wants some of the product you are standing in front of 1) say excuse me 2) ask her if you can get something for her, or move your cart back out of her way (this is one of the only times it is acceptable to move backward on the city street) 3) Now, PAY ATTENTION! If this woman asks you for a certain product, watch what she gets. My, this is a wordy sentence, it's a whole story on its own! (Kidding). Part of what makes this so long, is the three pointers you give in it. If you make these pointers bullets, each no a separate line, it would help this part out immensely.

5. If you feel battles like this must take place (even though ithey shouldn’t), take them to the only safe place to wage war. You can see the misplaced i in the word they.


Overall impressions: A very cute essay on the perils of shopping in today's world. Nicely written, made me smile the whole time.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1058
1058
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Crickado,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary! Happy Anniversary, and Merry Christmas!

         BRAVO! The poem is good, very good. The lyrics remain true to the Frosty The Snowman tune. But the bravo is for honoring Bruce Campbell, a man who seems to have dedicated his life to B movies. My oldest son is a big fan, has all his books (each one signed), and a signed copy of the script from The Evil Dead. I could really relate to the song, it brought back many memories of the movies I first saw in the Navy in the early 70's. He really is quite the character, and a very personable guy when you talk to him. I loved the end verse, remained true to the song, and the movies. Well done!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1059
1059
Review of He's my Mom  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Daphne,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by in honor of this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, I found this to be an interesting story. But, it seemed to start in the middle, which is fine because you tied that part up later on. But the ending really left me hanging, at least in my opinion. It's a good story, I love the idea of it, but I just felt a little cheated at the end. Maybe them confronting their mother would help. I'll give you a couple of specific comments below.



Title:  Perfect for this story



Description:  Very good for this, but you have an extra 'is' in the wording of it.



Grammar:  I noticed no errors.




My Favorite Part:  Jillian's alarm clock. Being one who wakes to soft noises, it amazes me when someone can't wake to an alarm, or needs a special alarm to help them wake up.





General Comments:  

1. “Jillian scuffed her bare feet across the plush, lavender carpet that spilled into her circular bedroom. You opened this line with quotation marks, but they are not needed here.

2. In the very last line, you point out the last page of freshmen; one of the people on the page has a last name of Miller. It seems that it would have to be a very small school for someone with a last name starting with M to be on the last page.

3. You end the story with that little 'bombshell', but it seems there could be far more to it. One question I have, is if their mother was a male in high school, how did she have children? You didn't mention them being adopted, but they might not have known that. It's still an unanswered question, along with many others I won't bring up here. But, tell us more! I have an inquiring mind, and want to know! *Bigsmile*




Overall impressions:  A very good story that seemed to leave this reader hanging. Well written, entertaining, I just want to know more.

Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1060
1060
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Hey Pico,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I've never heard of something like this happening, a gentleman rooster. *Smile* Of course, I've never lived on a farm nor raised birds of any kind, so that's no surprise when you think about it. Maybe some men should follow Johnnie Johnson's fine example, and learn to be a gentleman. Perhaps less violence would exist in this world of ours then. I loved the idea of the kids petting him, with that big IF there, IF you could catch him. Very cool. Nice story, it does make a person smile, and that was probably your intent.





Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1061
1061
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear LadyGrace,
         I dropped by your port for the Power Review raid, when I saw this, I knew what I would read on this visit. Happy Raiding Day to the crew!

         While I love to write, one would be amazed at what I don't know about famous people in literature. Helen Steiner Rice is one of those, but she's one I'd love to read more about, as well as read more of her writings.

         This is a nice essay you've written about her, I think your love of her, and her work is obvious in nearly every word. I would venture to guess that she has inspired you, and probably influences your writings, as well as how you feel about life. If that's the case, I'd say you've chosen well, and have been influenced nicely by her. I do have a little feedback for you on this.





Title:  Very good for this essay.



Description:  Very good, this is what made me decide to read your essay.



Grammar:  I noticed no errors.




General Comments:

1. Have you ever been inspired by a great poet? Apparently, the answer to all these questions is Yes. It appears that she has influenced you most definitely, but I don't see how you can use the second sentence here to answer for everyone. That being the case, I think the second sentence needs a little editing. All you'd have to do, is add the words, "For me" in place of apparently.

2. These volumes of poetry are written by a great American lady,
Helen Steiner Rice. She is known as the "poet laureate" of popular verse.
She is the source of inspiration to many people because of her life and her writings.
Helen Steiner Rice's writings are for all ages. They are full of human
emotions. Her best-selling books are "Someone Cares," "Loving Promise," and


Notice how these lines appear to be cut off at the end, as if a hard return has been used? (At least they do on my monitor). They do not reach the end of the line in the document as I view it on my monitor is what I'm trying to say, almost as if you put in a hard return to make them shorter. Right after this area, the sentences all reach then end of the line as they should, so I'm a little confused as to what caused this. (Unless you copied this from an external source, and did not check it to make sure it fit in the window properly).

You say in this area that "She is known as the port laureate of popular verse." Has she been given the title of 'Poet Laureate'? Or is this an honor bestowed on her by people who can't give her the title, but still call her that.

3. They make people aware of the pr esence of God in their lives and the need of His presence. You can see that you have an extra space in the word 'presence'.

4. In your example of one of her works, you should use the {center} command to center the poem on the screen. It would look so much better that way. There is a toolbar at the top of each item you create, it looks much like the toolbar in Microsoft Word, just highlight the text and press the center button.

5. She is a strong lady who undergone storms in life but able to stand. It appears that a couple of words are missing in this sentence. I've provided an example here of what I think you left out, but only you know for sure. She is a strong lady who has undergone storms in life but is still able to stand.

6. Helen Steiner Rice married Franklin Rice, a bank vice-president in Dayton,Ohio.Franklin lost his job after the stock market crashed then he suffered depression and never recovered.Franklin committed suicide.Helen Steiner Rice's most satisfying outlet is writing poetry. These three sentences are not separated by a space, and seem to run on. You need a comma after 'crashed'. You might want to make these lines 'warmer' too. What you write here are facts, but they seem very cold. Here's an example of one. Franklin committed suicide. You then move to poetry being Helen's most satisfying outlet, almost as if his suicide was nothing. Elaborate a little, tell us more, make this a warm, emotional story, not a cardboard one.

7. Every time you mention Helen in this story, it is always 'Helen Steiner Rice'. Why? Is that how it is in every story, that the characters names are always completely spelled out? If so, why isn't Franklin's name spelled out all the time. It makes reading this a little cumbersome. Change most of the names to just Helen, it will make it a lot easier to read.

8. She became a lecturer and a writer for a prominent greeting card company called American Greetings.Her books sold about nearly seven million copies. Again two sentences that are not separated, and a big jump in thought. What do her selling almost seven million books have to do with writing verse for American Greetings? This second sentence belongs above where you mention her best selling books.

9. Your last line, 'Hats off to her!' belongs with the preceding paragraph, it does not need to be a paragraph of it's own.


Overall impressions:  A very interesting essay about Mrs. Rice, it makes me want to read more of her poetry.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


A holiday image on share for reviews
1062
1062
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Hey David,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor of this great occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Men who have fought in wars are haunted forever. Your poem speaks of a man most would think American as they read it. The twist at the end proves otherwise, and helps bring home the thought that every man who fights has demons to haunt them the rest of their days. Demons don't care about nationality, only in haunting us.



Title:  Excellent for this story




Description:  Excellent, it is what caused me to decide to read this.




Grammar:  Very good.




General Comments:  

1. Heavy, green, malevolent the jungle waits. The first three words describe the jungle, and should have a comma after each.

2. He slashes, he fires, shapes fall. His or theirs, he does not know. You may want to consider deleting the second 'he', it is redundant and detracts from the read.

3. You may want to consider a way to better separate the last line that describes the battle, and the first line about the old man. There are two distinct stories here really, and it would be nice to show separation of thought, space, and time.





Overall impressions:  A very moving poem about war, demons that haunt men, no matter what their nationality is.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1063
1063
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Hey Ghagiel,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by in honor of this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         Sometimes, I love creating a discussion just to see who will say what about the subject. This one has been discussed by many for ages, and your article here covers it very well. Your logic is flawless, I loved it when you mentioned the animals and that they would obviously hear it, nice point! While I'm not an animalist (to coin your term), if a human isn't there to hear a tree fall, then it falls silently. *Smile* (Kidding, I just love presenting the opposite view is all.) I do have a little feedback for you.



Title:  Excellent for this story.



Description:  The contest is over, congratulations on 3rd place, but.... This needs to be changed now, use the 90 characters that you are allowed to draw in a reader!



Grammar:  I noticed no errors.




My Favorite Part:  Also, what about all those poor little animals that lived in the tree? And the ones that got smusched? Ah, the humanity! Surely they heard the sound? Loved this part!





General Comments:  

1. These are invisible and they reach your ears and vibrate your eardrums, which then transfers what you perceive the sound to be into your brain, which then try’s to recognise it and there we are. I realize you speak the Queen's English and I would most likely butcher it, so if this comment doesn't fit with the Queen's English, please ignore it, but try's should be tries, and realise should be realize (at least to us Yankee's). *Smile*

2. There’s also another element to take on board. If no one is there to witness the tree falling, how can you really be sure it’s happened? Also, what about all those poor little animals that lived in the tree? And the ones that got smusched? Ah, the humanity! Surely they heard the sound? Don’t they count? If they don’t then you’re an animacist! Just because they’re different to us doesn’t mean that they don’t count! Sheesh! Anyways, *ahem. While this is my favorite part of the story, you have two separate thoughts going on here, so they should be separate paragraphs. You say there's another element to take on board, then mention that is no one is there to witness the tree falling, how can one be really sure it's happened? Great point! But then you shifted to the animals, thus a separate paragraph is needed. Also, I think you missed the chance to expound your argument about "If no one is there..." You could say that is no one is there to hear it, and we can't be sure it fell, then did it really make a noise when it fell, or did it slip quietly to the ground... something like that. Advance your argument! *Bigsmile*




Overall impressions:  A very cute article about an age old argument, nicely done!


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1064
1064
Review of Expected  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Cappucine,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by in honor of this great occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say that I'm not sure what you meant this story to convey, because I'm totally lost. I must be having a gray hair moment. The story itself is cute, well written, and moves nicely. But I must be missing the big picture since I'm so lost. I have no idea what the tiger holding a bell in its teeth has to do with anything in the story. Except that everything is exactly as Mr. and Mrs. Blue knew it would be, and this is unexpected, so maybe I just had a revelation. I do have a little feedback for you on it.



Title:   Perfect for this story.




Description:  Very good.




Grammar:  I noticed no errors.




General Comments:  

1. Mr Blue said, "the world is a recurring dream."

Mrs Blue said, "beautiful."
The and Beautiful should be capitalized since both words are the start of a statement from each of them.

2. At the end of the story, it says that the hair on Mrs. Blue's arms stands on end, it was the last thing she had expected. Wouldn't Mr. Blue have much the same going on? He seemed to sort of drop off the story there, his reactions are never discussed.

3. What did you mean by the term 'luxurious feet'? I've never heard feet described quite like that.



Overall impressions:  All in all, a cute story that left this reader wondering for a bit. Nice job!


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1065
1065
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Marcia,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by in honor of this great occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Your story is one of a family coming together after the recent deaths of relatives. I was curious about where it was going, wanting to know why the two Aunt's lived together all their lives. You brought back memories from each character well, giving me a nice mental image of Ruby and Pearl. But for me, the story never came to a conclusion, explaining why they lived together all their lives. I got the impression they lived together because Ruby depended on Pearl, but it was never clear. Playing cards with two men, Ruby asking your mother to stay up when told to go to bed does not explain why they lived together. I was waiting to find out that Ruby was living off Pearl for a reason, or that Pearl lived with her out of family love, but that was never made clear. I do have a little feedback for you on it.



Title:  Good for this story.



Description:  Your description says you learned why they lived together after they died. As I said above, I didn't see the reason, and it may just be a gray haired moment on my part, but you might want to consider explaining it a little more clearly in the story.




My Favorite Part:  I liked the descriptions of Aunt Pearl and Aunt Ruby when they were young. It made them more real to me.




General Comments:  

1. He would likely to earn more money than she did as the executive secretary to the President of the Bomar Corporation so between the two of them, they would have a pretty comfortable income.  This sentence seems to be missing a word or two, but I'm not sure what you were saying here. Would he need to make more, as much, or what?

2. We would usually go on Yom Kippur because my parents were not religious enough to attend services, but to Jewish-identified to go to work.  I think the 'to' before Jewish should be too.

3. If my sister and I ran around the apartment Ruby would tell us to save our energy for our old age.  I think you need a comma after apartment.

4. The show was never interesting, and time would pass slowly, slowly, as if I could hear a clock ticking second by second.  You may want to consider deleting one of the words 'slowly'. It doesn't read correctly with both of them there.

5. The Civil Rights movement seemed to have past them both by.  Past should be passed.




Overall impressions:  A nice family story about family members reminiscing about those who have passed on. A little TLC will allow it to receive higher grades from future readers. *Smile*




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1066
1066
Review of For A Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Kneelinghands,
         I found this on the static item page and thought I'd read it and welcome you to WDC. I hope you enjoy your time here on the site; I encourage you to become involved in any of the myriad groups that are on here. It's a way of meeting people, reading their works, and learning to be a better writer yourself. *Smile*

         This is a heartfelt poem you wrote, I could feel the pain of your loss in your words. In reading it, I was struck with the impression that it isn't so much a 'poem' in the truest sense of the word; I would consider it a tribute to a dear friend. But you wrote it, so if you want to call it a poem, that's fine. The reason I made that comment is because the lines are of far different lengths, and it reads more like an essay (in the form of a tribute), than a poem. This is not meant to be a negative comment only, just a statement about something I noticed.

         This is beautiful too. It is very hard when someone leaves this world unexpectedly, especially at such a young age. You honor him well with this, I am sure he is proud of it, even more proud to have called you FRIEND.

         I hope to see more of your writings in the future, continue the good work, and most of all, enjoy yourself!




Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1067
1067
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dear Amy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit to honor this festive occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         I felt your pain in this poem. I know what it's like to lose someone you care for deeply, then see them again. Your poem speaks volumes about this, the awkwardness of seeing them, not knowing what to say, the pain of the moment passing with nothing said. And after, the emptiness of it all. I saw all that in your poem, well done in portraying such a sensitive moment so well! I do have a couple of comments for you.



Title:  Very good for this poem.




Description:  You should change this, tell a potential reader a little about it so they feel like that 'have' to read it. *Smile*




Grammar:  I noticed no errors.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Your rhythm and rhyme varied a bit throughout, the poem didn't follow a specific structure in either, but I didn't see a problem with that.




General Comments:  

1. In a couple of lines, you could add a comma and enhance the read. An example is,

My mind raced searching for words   or....

My mind raced, searching for words







Overall impressions:  A very sad poem, one that makes the reader think back to failed relationships.


Sum1

*Boat*  WDC POWER RAIDER  *Boat*


** Image ID #1472399 Unavailable **
1068
1068
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Connieann,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this great occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         I read this story with a bit of amusement. It always amazes me how people will think that walking is not all that hard, and can't be too much exercise. Now I don't pretend to walk like Aunt Fanny, but I do walk 3-4 miles a day most days. That's because of the jobs I do more than anything else; it's not always the briskest of walks either though.

         I loved your description of your preparations for the walk, your 'almost new' jogging suit and new Nikes. Just from that, I knew you were in for it. *Smile* The way she breezed past without stopping told me even more, and I knew you'd almost regret walking with her. I just hope you've recovered already, and are ready to show that woman a thing or two about walking. *Bigsmile* Thanks for the entertaining read!


Sum1{/left}

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
1069
1069
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Windy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         Poems of love, or about one's lover always touch me, this one was no different. I could feel your ache for your loved one, the desire to be near them again. Your descriptions of things you miss about them created nice images in my mind as I read it, particularly the line of "Whisper my name". For some reason, that line meshed with me nicely. There is one thing you may want to look at in this poem though.

1. You use the word 'yearn' in three different lines, in almost the same wording.

I yearn for a touch
I yearn for a hint
I yearn for your touch.


In a poem this short, the use of that word, and in actuality, the use of almost the same sentence, really stands out and detracts from the read a little.


Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
1070
1070
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, what a nice selection of prizes here to bid on! I sure hope others will come and bid on things, if I had enough GP's, I'd be bidding on every one of them. As it is, I'll be entering my bid on one now. *Smile* Excellent job in setting this up, the sigs and images on this page create a nice fantasy world of bidding.

Jim
1071
1071
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Annie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 6th WDC Anniversary!

         Your descriptions of the various ways people get their 'thrill' are very good. I could relate to almost every one of them, except that now in my middle years, I don't do most of those activities. We've all been scared and felt that rush of adrenaline as we ran from the scene, or shivered in fright as we told a ghost story. I think that pales though, to the rush we feel when we realized we're safe and can laugh it off. Of course, that just helps us plan our re-telling of that adventure so we can scare our friends in doing so. You wrote this essay very well, it flowed nicely and kept me involved throughout the read. I did see a few opportunities for you to edit this a little, should you want to.



Title: Very good for this essay.



Description: Your description is good, but I wouldn't call the Halloween scare thing madness, because the desire to be thrilled and scared goes on year round. Your essay doesn't touch on Halloween until the end, so you may want to consider editing this part a little. Maybe something like "A brief exploration into why everyone frequently craves a good 'safe' scare.




General Comments:

1. Our first step on the road to a scream is the everyday family oriented bookstore, in the non-fiction section we can find anything from books recounting the details of a bloody mass murder complete with crime scene photos to true stories of people who survived being kidnapped and brutally tortured and narrowly escaped a bloody death. This is a very long and wordy sentence. You might want to break it up into a couple of sentences at least. I think the comma after bookstore should be a semi-colon though, and you should add a comma after photos. I would also delete the 'and' between kidnapped and brutally, substituting a comma in it's place.

2. This kind of reading makes us peek out the window every five seconds wondering if this neighbor of that one could be a psycho. It seems that 'of' should be 'or'.

3. He plays a dead (only to die for real in the end) and wills the “house” to his unsuspecting nephew and his family. I don't think you need 'a' before dead.

4. MOreover, doesn't every community boast of that infamous haunted house? You can see that you did what I frequently do, not release the shift key fast enough.

5. Even though we may not drive by this house every year, we at lest tell someone else about it. Lest should be least.




Overall impressions: An very good essay on the cravings people have for a good 'safe' scare, and how we go about getting one.


Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
1072
1072
Review of A white rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear MrsVoekel,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         You tell a heart rending story here, full of the pain of a lost love. I could feel your loss, and have been there myself. But I've seen mine recently, and though I still love her, I know that we could never be together; it just wouldn't work. You blame yourself for the failure, but never forget that it takes two to tango. The blame is shared, no matter what you might think. There are a few things I'd like to point out that you may want to look at.



Title: Very good for this story.


Description: Excellent, it's what caused me to read your item.




General Comments:

1. I hate how even though years have come and gone, that when it comes down to it, I still love you. This is a little wordy, and could be reworded slightly without losing it's meaning. Perhaps something like this: I hate the fact that even though years have come and gone, when it comes down to it, I still love you. No less words, but to me it reads a little smoother.

2. That single white rose was the only indication you gave that I was special and a letter that I choose not to open until it was too late. I think choose should be chose.

3. There are several cases where you need to use a comma, but didn't. A couple are shown below:

As fate should have it, we still found a way to each other and for that electrifying time life was grand. You need a comma after other.

I often find myself thinking "what if" but once the daydream fades I realize that you hate me, and I have myself to thank. You need a couple of comma's here. One after if, and one after fades. I would also add 'only' between have, and myself.


4. I was sentenced into a different life then with new rules and obligations and even though I wanted to hang onto you with all my humanly might, until my arms pained to dull the burn of good bye, I knew it was over. This is a very wordy and long sentence. It runs on and on. You might try breaking it up into two or three sentences.

5. I have seen your picture recently and you're different, your hair, your face, your image all of it has changed but still you hold me hostage in my own body. I think a semi-colon should be used after different, instead of a comma.




Overall impressions: A very sad story of lost love that was never regained. Worse yet, a lost love that never seemed to heal.


Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
1073
1073
Review of The Ladle  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Marie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a story that really tugs at the heartstrings. I liked that you never really said what the narrator did to deserve his 'punishment', to me it makes the story all that more believable. Things like this happen all the time I'm sure, but like 99% of the people, we don't want to hear about it. I do have a little feedback for you about it.



Title: Very good for this story


Description: Very good for this, but I would delete the part about him not wanting to go, I think since his mother is making him go that it would be obvious he wouldn't want to go.



General Comments:

1. This story occurs in the past, you're telling it as if it happened sometime ago, yet in many cases you write as if it's in the present. An example of each would be,

It was the fall morning November 12. The key word is was. That implies this is occurring in the past.

“Matt! Get your butt down here. You are going to be late,” shouted my very impatient mother. The key word here is are. This is a present tense word, it's happening now. So on one hand you tell us it's in the past, on the other, it's occurring right now.

A very simple fix to this is to add a line before the third paragraph. Say something like, This is the story of how I had fun when I least expected to.

2. I actually had a fun. This line is repeated at the end of the story, but it seems to be missing a word or two. He had a fun <what?>

3. I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but paragraph 16 is a repeat of paragraph one. It's done again at the end of the story, so it's probably intentional, but I have to mention it.

4. You could see the gray paint underneath the coming off siding This line is worded roughly. It would be better worded if you said, You could see the gray paint underneath the siding that was coming off.

5. “Hi. Nice to meet you,” was the nicest thing I could say and that was even hard. The last part of this line reads rough. You might want to change it slightly. “Hi. Nice to meet you,” was the nicest thing I could say, even that was hard.

6. “Okay lets get started. To get started lets take a tour,” Ms. Margaret said happily. Ms. Margaret repeats herself here with the taking the tour bit. You could modify this slightly so it reads more smoothly. "Okay, let's give you a tour and get you started." See how it reads a little better?

7. You didn’t want to come today didn’t you? The second didn't should be did. You should have a comma after today.

8. You are the only person that has been nice to me, besides the organization trying to find me a job, since I went out on the streets. This might be better worded as, Since I went out on the streets, you are the only person that has been nice to me, other than the organization trying to find me a job.




Overall impressions: A really good 'feel good' story about a young boy working an afternoon at a soup kitchen.


Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
1074
1074
Review of Cry's  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


LadyMagikWolf,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 8th WDC Anniversary!

         This poem tears at the heart for the Native American's who lost their land and way of life. Free flowing verse, it describes how the young ones feel, as well as the older ones who may have been around when everything happened. I loved the flow of it, and what you described, but it does need a little editing (in my opinion).


Title: Very nice for this poem, but I'm wondering if Cry's shouldn't be Cries.


Description: Your description is nice, but you might consider revising to draw in more readers.



General Comments:

1. Listen it's the cry's of the It seems you should have a comma after Listen (in each line that you start with Listen, you need that comma). Again, cry's should be cries.

2. of all the indians for what we indians should be Indians, it is always capitalized.

3. Great Spirit in the sky hear my plee. Plee should be plea.



Overall impressions: A very nice poem about the terrible things that have been done to the Indians since we came to this country.


Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
1075
1075
Review of The Cellar  Open in new Window.
Review by Jim Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Power Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Magdalena,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I remember reading a story long ago, about a little girl who felt there was something in the cellar, but no one believed her. Her parents finally decided to show her there wasn't by tying her to a pole in the basement while they were out a short while. Somehow, they ended up meeting someone, and mentioned the girls fears. They were told that children could often sense things adults couldn't, or wouldn't. They hurried home, only to find her torn to shreds, still tied to the pole. Your story is different from that obviously, but reminded me of it a lot.

         Your first two lines hooked me, I had to read to the end. I do have a little feedback for you about it.



Title: Perfect for this story.


Description: I'm wondering how old this story is. If the contest is over and done with, you need to change this. Tell the readers in 90 characters why they NEED to read this story.



Grammar: Very good.




General Comments:

1. You should indent the first line of the paragraphs using the {indent} command. This just makes the story look much more 'professional'.

2. This is a relatively short story, and I find myself wondering if it was written for something like the 'Writer's Cramp'. If the contest is over, you might consider editing it a little, and lengthening. This would be a great story to build more. Slowly build up the idea of the cellar door, and what lives below. Show Lauren's father talking to her, telling her why it has to be kept shut at all times. Build the suspense!


Overall impressions: A good story about a cellar door that should never be opened, but is. If the plot was built more, suspense was added in doing so, the story would be greatly strengthened.


Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
1,430 Reviews *Magnify*
Page of 58 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/43