This is a good story of a day when Murphy's Law ruled. It does, however, need some additional work.
Proper nouns should all be capitalized.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first eight paragraphs: 'I would come (in) at 9:00 at night '; 'On new years day(New Year's Day) I decided '; 'reaching two(-)hundred(-)thousand miles.'; ' "I will change it once (I get) on I-55," I told myself.'; 'As I drove down fell(?)'; 'I was about three(-)quarters of the way'; ' picked up once it (hit) the ice,'; and, 'myself say, "no(No), no, no(,)" as if I could coax '.
This is a very good story of a girl letting revenge take over her life. It is well written and flows smoothly.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I had wanted to be an actor(actress - Protag is a female, right?), '; 'movie in which no-one(no one) wore clothes, '; and, ' If (I) had let go, I wouldn’t be here, ';
This is an eerie, chilling story that conjures up all sorts of "visions". You have done a great job with the description as well the plot.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'It flicked(flickered) and danced in and around the young saplings'; ' owner of the century(-)old house. '; ' “It(')s me(,) honey, where are your friends?'; and, ' “Right here(,) Sir.(sir,)” Jeanne and Kayla answered back.'.
This is a terrific story of a family dealing with a problem they never realized that they had. You've done a great job of getting Jared's feelings across through his very brief answers and pained facial expressions. Well done.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'he's doing his best to ignore them (as best as he can-delete, redundant).'; 'that black carry(-)all bag of his is no longer there either. '; and, 'If only, if only(,) dear God,'.
This is a very good story where amnesia is one's best friend and worst enemy - both at the same time. Well done.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'He ordered an Egg Mcmuffin set(?), '; and, 'he scurtinized the driver(')s license and discovered he was Sato Shinji, forty(-)two years old, '.
This is a very unusual story which I'm not sure I understand. Is the "vision" sought, the result of actual tissue damage? That's what seemed to be indicated
This is well written and flows smoothly..
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' "Hello(,) Kate," he said.'; and, 'He held her head close to his and pulled(put?) his eyes as close to hers as possible.'.
This is a delightful little story. Couldn't help but wonder if Mike was a Leprechaun in disguise. This is well written and flows nicely.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' While brushing his teeth, (he) had some crazy ideas: '; 'tune (yellow(Yellow) submarine(Submarine)),'; 'Mike put (on-delete) an apron on Isaac's torso and mumbled(,) "okay(Okay)". '; and, 'He took his customer's long hair(locks - since the pronouns following are plural.) (they reached '.
This is a very good poem. You could consider "Adjustments" as a title, since it seems to be the senses of a recently blinded person learning a new way of living.
I found no errors.
Since I am not a poet, I feel totally unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing.
This is a very moving piece of all the emotions behind a "token" of love.
The first phrase here, 'She nodded no, as tears made her eyes sting.', sort of went against my grain since I feel "nodded" indicates 'yes'. Didn't offer any suggestions since I didn't want to "mess up" your rythmn. Just wanted to mention it for your consideration.
Since I don't write poetry, I feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing.
This is a potentially good story here. The plot is very good but the actual writing needs considerable additional work.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, paying particular attention to punctuation, verb tenses, spelling and capitalization. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first two paragraphs: 'She had short(,) dark(-)red hair and brown eyes. '; 'She was wearing (a-delete) my sweater '; 'I had the Mercades(Mercedes) today '; 'and drive their hummers(Hummers) and lexus’(Lexuses).'; and, 'week with my ferrari enzo(Ferraro Enzo), . . . Then I fergot(forgot) how much I liked driving my nice cars that I gave my toyota(Toyota)'.
This is a interesting story that offers the opportunity to go more in depth into the minds of both the protagonist and the antagonist, should you choose to do so.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differintiate them from regular narrative.
Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.
A few specific editorial sujggestions that you may want to consider: 'dropped it about 3(three) times '; ' figure laying about 3(three) meters '; '3(Three) hours later, Michelle groggily opened her eyes.'; 'despite trying (not to) as hard as he could (not to-delete).'; and, 'and that she was a 17(-)year(-)old girl. '.
This is a very intersting article about the comtrasts between the nightlife in London versus Israel. It is, overall, well written.
A few of the sentences seem irordinately long; you might want to break them into shorter ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'hour or two out of one(')s work day. '; 'all meticulously debated (over-delete) via email, phone '; 'capital’s brutal 5(five-)day work schedule '; 'three(-)hour tube journeys and 8(eight) hours of soul-destroying office work.'; 'A five(-)hour plane ride '; 'bars/clubs/pubs here, my nights (here-delete) have also extended'; 'films regularly show gone midnight(?) '; 'Resultingly(?), no-one(no one) plans anything here too much.'; and, 'Going to a friend(')s for dinner for example,'.
This is a very moving poem about an all too common of a problem.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Anger(,) fear,'; 'Running(,) hiding.'; Insults(,) then pain,'; 'Screaming(,) bleeding,'; Suffering(,) dieing(dying).'; and, 'You(Your?) demons eating away at you.'.
Since I don't write poetry, I feel totally unqualified to address any of the technicalities of the writing.
This is an interestng introduction that works to arouse reader curiousity. I would suggest, however, that you give some indication here as to what disability is being addressed.
Also, this is only one paragraph that should be better if broken into several shorter ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'In defedently(?Spelling?), I will post and keep track of the chapters to each unit.'; 'so that you will not get too board(bored). I am not here to make people board(here to bore people.),'; and, 'everyone goes through tough times, one(times at some) point in their lives. '.
This is a cute poem of a problem suffered/enjoyed? by many, I think.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'No mater(matter) the effort I make'; 'Oh(,) what an effort it took'; and, 'Through out(Throughout) my troubled life'.
Since I don't write poetry, I dont feel qualified to address any of the technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a good poem that I believe says a great deal about the degeneration of what was a most revered day of celebration into a taken of commercialism.
One possible typo that you may want to check out: 'Wiat(Wait?), just a week,';
Since I don't write poetry, I dont feel qualified to address any of the technicalities of the writing itself.
This ia a beautiful tribute to a well-loved family member. It's wonderful what wonders a caring relationship can do for a person.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
A few editorial suggestions you may want to consider: 'young adult years my father’s mother, Eleanor(,) was an enigma. '; 'and my mislead(misled) feelings towards her diminished.'; 'Tragedy turned into hope that year, and(as) the new found love(,-delete) my Nana and I shared, blossomed.'; and, 'and with the bold(-)colored leaves of fall '.
This is a thoroughly chilling story. I couldn't help but wonder why an "innocent child" would pick such a name. Could it be something he learned in school? An explaination might help.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' "Come on(,) Eric, please take him.'; 'I was sure I heard it before. (He said?-?) I pondered, '; ' "Hi(,) Sharonne." '; 'us there for dinner.(,)" Stephen insisted.'; ' "That was weird.(,)" Sharonne commented. '; 'me eventually.(,)" she sighed. '; ' "Hey (a-delete) fishie!" '; and, ' "Hey(,) Carl(,) the fish must have died '.
This is a good story, but it defies logic that she would move him when it would have been easy enough to explain away "an accident". A bashed in head while in bed is a whole other ballgame.
Regaredless this is technically well written.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' knocking him back in self(-)defence(defense). '; 'she could have cleared(cleaned?) up and got away with the lot. '; and, 'your neighbours called (about) a domestic disturbance. '.
Whoa! If I am interpreting this right, that is one heck of a twist!
This is a good story to which I'm sure many could relate - at least up until the ending.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Knocking (on) his door briefly '; 'Marcus had moved from behind her(his?) desk, '; ' tell your uncle(Uncle) Marcus all about it.’ '; ' ‘I’m sorry(,) Marcus. '; and, 'probably guessed my secret(.)’ She lowered her eyes '.
This is a good story of lovers always wanting to be together. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
Some of the sentences are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half: 'slowly wept herself to fear(-)filled sleep'; 'Klaus’ body laying blood(-)soaked in her arms as he slowly slipped away(,) the stars . . . the blood(-)stained mess '; 'barely make out the words,(.) They tore a bitter mock'; 'and pulled him closer(,) soaking what was left of his shirt '; '“No(,) Ninnete,” he was cut of(off) by a fit '; 'across a gentle heart(-)shaped face. '; 'than a dead(-)end prostitute with no future and a past riddled with crime, money and heart ache(heartache).'; 'Their(There) was no way out '; and, 'But still she could see it all in her mind(')s eye,'.
This is an interesting piece where it seems as if the old man was the only one to understand what he had unleased.
This is, overall, well written and flows nicely.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'With one swift motion, he unraveled(unrolled?) it.'; and, ' "You know we're all going to die, right?(!-delete)" '
** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jayepmarshall/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/44
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.61 seconds at 2:20pm on Jul 04, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
