This is a very funny tale of a guy who is having a really bad day. It does need a bit of additional work.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Jeremy(,) wake up,” my mother said.'; 'Dreams of Ferraris, million(-)dollar mansions,'; ' Forgetting the eggs and sausage(It was bacon earlier.),'; 'On the fifteen(-)minute commute to school '; '“Jeremy Tyler(,) please report to Principal Sady(')s office.” '; 'Being a three(-)sport athlete, '; 'Turning toward Mr. Sady(')s office, '; 'Nauseousness(Nausea) swept over me. '; 'slammed face down on the bacteria(-)infested floor.'; 'A half(-)digested mixture '; ' Officers(,) this is not the guy '; ' “Sorry about the mix-up(,) buddy,” '; and, ' “Clean up on isle three(Aisle Three).” '.
This is a really cute story where all of Annie's luck was very bad. She really has my sympathy as car trouble on the road is certainly no fun - especially when you not really sure of the cause.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'pulled his hand away and pet(petted) Doug's head.'.
This is a beautiful story of a family "making do" with whatever they had to make Christmas special. A very terrific memory indeed!
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'smelled of apple pie and home made (homemade) dressing.'; 'but I have a more memorial(memorable?) Christmas. '; 'we could not brake(break) the ice '; 'We wrapped them it(in) paper bags, '; 'braving the dark nights with out (without) Granny'; 'because its’(its) needles were so sharp.'; 'so she just reached(handed?) them to us.'; 'My mom had cut (up?) her badly needed black fake fur coat to give us those home made(homemade) animals.'; and, 'a fussy long(-)tailed cat.'.
This is a very thought-provoking piece. I'm sure most of us have experienced having a reaction "in the heat of the moment" that we later wonder if it would better have been left unsaid/undone.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'Is the guillt(guilt) you carry enough'.
This seems to me very much like poetry which I don't write and feel unqualified to meaningfully critique.
This is a really cute story that presents a very comical picture of the wife's attitude.
A couple of specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “This is fun?” she asked. (New paragraph) “Oh come on,” I chided. “Where’s your spirit of adventure?” (New paragraph) “Down by the fire,” was her response.'.
This is a good piece that draws some interesting parallels between society today and some years back.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' What he saw before him stunned him, made him think that' (See if you can eliminate/substitute some of the "him"s.); ' the love for you’re(your) fellow man. '; and, 'he though(thought) maybe there was some humanity left after all. If this young lady was any prove(proof).'.
This is a cute little story where the math gets pretty far out. It makes for a really interesting read.
Some editorial suggestions, mostly punctuation, that you may want to consider: ' "It(')s two minutes later than the last time you looked(,)" I snapped.'; 'pushing the button ad(and) checking the time.'; 'there was the din on(of) dozens of young people '; ' "Of course(,) but I never heard of metric time(,)" he was '; 'It caused chaos(,)" Chimed(chimed) in a girl '; ' "Wow," said Bill in awe(.) '; ' "At first it was.(,)" she'; ' "Useless!" said the Australian girl(.)'; and, ' left Bill in(to) his thoughts.'.
This is a good story with a very twisted twist at the end. It is, overall, well written, but it does need some additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'and there were much less(fewer/a lot fewer) people than I expected.'; 'dressed in black pants(,) a white collar shirt and a black velvety undercoat(vest?) made his way . . . empty sliver(silver) tray ' “Good evening(,) Sir, '; ' “Yeah(, rye) Rye on the rocks(,) please” '; ' “Shut up(,) you idiot! '; 'get rid of him(,)” the other one said(.)';
This is an interesting and well-described scene. However, it doesn't comprise a short story which includes a beginning where the protagonist and his current problem/dilemma are introduced; a middle where he/she works on the problem; and, an ending where some resolution is reached.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
This is one very long paragraph. Suggest you break it into shorter ones.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'creativity in their design past(beyond) whatever function they were built (for-delete).'; 'Restlessness griped(gripped) me like it always did.'; 'stars were unveiled (on-delete) to the world. '; ' "what's up.(?)" '; and, ' "Nothing," she said,(.) "Just '.
This is a really "far out" story where it seems to me there wouldn't even have been enough of the car left to salvage. This piece does demonstrate a whale of an imagination, but it does need some work on the mechanics of the writing.
The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first third of the story: 'Their new silver caravan(Caravan) was sitting in the garage '; 'a permit yet?!" Her(her) dad asked(, his face beet red) beat red. '; 'nearly as(so) bad if i(I) actully did what they think i(I) did.'; 'they pushed me into the driver(')s seat '; ' "I'm sure it's un-important.(unimportant,)" I said(,) opening the door again.'; ' in that space inbetween(between) the front seats. '; 'When that pasted(passed,) I screamed,'; and, 'and to(too) scared to buckle up.'.
This is a good, well-plotted story that does a good job of putting the reader into the mind of an obviously deranged man.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'that could infest a third(-)floor apartment.'; 'as if the ghost of what once was were still waiting for them.' (Disagreement between singular subject, 'ghost', and plural verb, 'were'.); 'in his hand;(,) he holds a bottle (of) whiskey.'; ' (I-delete) how(How) could I have done that?'; 'sure enough I was in(on) camera. '; 'outside the “suspect(')s” house, He(he) was outside my house.'; ' I couldn’t(could) stay this man, even if history '; 'through with a hail of bullet fire(bullets).'; and, 'I moved at a snail(')s pace '.
This is a cute story, but it does need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half of this story: 'as thought(though) they had been painted '; 'was, therefore, the most magic(magical) tree.'; ' who led the mule(-)driven cart, '; 'Oh, he couldn't event(even) get those silly butterflies to dance '; ' “Well, Pookita, Today's(today's) the day-'; ' “Greetings(,) Queen Windella, '; 'She crouched behind a (a-delete) loaf of bread, '; 'and very surprised, pookita(Pookita). '; and, ' “Fairies of th(the) Great Tree! '.
This is a very gripping tale of an involved father and the rather unhappy results of his actions.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some of the paragraphs here seem very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'He had ten(-) and twelve(-)hour days devoted to selling '; ' No one he saw on a day(-)to(-)day basis'; ' this one in mid(-)November '; ' hopped in the two(-)year(-)old Ford Ranger '; 'They always put these home made(homemade) cookies '; and, ' a half(-)dozen children right behind him.'.
This is a very good story of a detective working with a psychic to solve a murder. I really love paranormal tales. It is well written and flows nicely.
Dialog only is great when you only have two characters. It gets confusing here, though, when Detective Cole is brought into the conversation with no introduction.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a delightful little piece! And I could just "hear" it, the avoidance of direct questions and the whole bit. It sounded very much some of the interviews I've heard on the news magazine specials.
This is well written and flows smoothly. Well done.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is an interesting piece, but it isn't clear that you are talking about job interviews until 2-3 paragraphs into the article. This should be made clear up front. I, for one, thought it was concerning public interviews such as those on a talk show.
A couple of specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'we agreed to meet at a (certain) time and date (certain-delete). '; and, 'Besides having stringy(,) bleached(-)blond hair with dark roots,'.
This is a good story that reads like a news report of an actual happening. It could be enhanced more if we were to follow the investigation in the Sergeant's shoes, knowing exactly what he was doing, how he felt, etc. throughout.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'A show down(showdown) after a few fires '; and, 'block down the street from the still(-)smoking residence'.
This is a good, well-plotted segment of this story. You've done a good job with the flow of the actionl. It does, however, need a bit of additional work.
Some of the paragraphs are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Damn-it (,)Stevens!” '; ' “I’ll tell you what(,) Private… '; 'Private produced a small priority(-)mail package, '; ' “We successfully completed a 72(-)hour convoy, '; 'finished digesting last week(')s batch,” '; 'a divorced twenty(-)six year old, '; 'Stevens pulled an official(-)looking windowed envelope '; 'and let(')s get to work.” '; and, 'his Sergeant(')s lifeless body'.
This is certainly an exciting beginning to this story and, from your sub-title, it seems that the finished tale will also be very good.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'part to the song; To(to) complete the melody.'; 'propelled myself over the torn(-)up mound '; 'from behind me; She(she) leapt into the air '; ' the one who(whose) prey was just ever so out of reach.'; and, 'I watched Katie, My(my) girlfriend, walk off.'.
This is a delightful, and fantastic, tale that stretches both the imagination and one's "belief system". However, it is believable that the materials were available to those at that time, had they had such a source of technical information.
This is very well written and flows nicely.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' "OK(,) Oldwarrior," '.
I believe I like Version 1 of this story best. However, I do think it would be improved with the first and most of the second paragraphs of Version 2 as a lead-in. Those sort of "set the scene" so the reader knows the score at the beginning.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: Version 1: 'The shear(sheer?) strength of my cries '; and, Version 2: ' The alarm clock read(reads) 8:05 in its electric blue numbers.'.
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