This is an interesting piece of a revelation that I think most of us come to understand as some point in time - sooner or later.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'That(')s when I began hearing two things'; 'He said, “Son(,) as you get older'; and, 'hear these 2(two) well(-)known truths '.
This is a beautiful story of an unrealized love. However, I had more than a little problem with Grandmother meeting the "love of her life" via computer and also with the "faded passport". Don't know how old the grandmother is supposed to be in this piece, but this isn't logical to me.
Computers didn't begin to come into common home use until the mid-to-late 80s and the "dating" sites came much later. (Most seniors were also very reluctant to use them when they first became available.) Before that "lovers" could "meet" through Pen-Pal Clubs (if they had never actually met) or they could have met while one or the other was traveling in a foreign country.
As for the faded passport, I have one issued in 1990 and it is not in the least faded. I feel that the timeframe of this piece should be pushed much farther back in time than it appears to be.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'see the love shinning(shining) in her Grandmother(')s eyes,'; and, 'Tears streaming down the girl(')s face,'.
This is a very good story of a group of men on an "out-of-towner". You've done a good job of bringing to life the baiting of younger associates and the teasing of the older ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “What’s it been(,) Jimmy? '; 'and wire(-)frame glasses.'; 'tried to focus on Jessie(Kenny?) over the rim of the glass. '; and, 'Jessie and motioned (for him) to join him and his female companion.'.
This is a beautiful, yet sad, story of a long-term relationship. I was a bit confused at first as to the timing, until I realized you were very realistically describing a dream - which you did very well.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'some help with his infliction(affliction)'; 'Two(-)seventeen in the morning.'; 'encircled the large oval(-)shaped lake.'; 'dancing upon the glass top(glassy) surface, '; 'a cedar(-)planked cottage '; 'small two(-)bedroom bungalow'; 'A smile appeared on the frog(')s face.'; and, 'much like her husband(')s did. '.
This is a very nice little poem that does a beautiful job of describing a "trip down memory lane" or siimply just freeform thinking. One never knows what's lurking behind the day-to-day concerns.
Since I do not write poetry, I feel unqualified to address any of the technicalities of the writiing.
This is a very good story up until the last few sentences where it seems to go awry. Who is Tess? What about the sea gulls? I don't recall any previous mention of these things.
This piece is all one very long paragraph. You may want to try breaking it up into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'sweating like some 400(-)pound sumo wrestler.'; 'I begged her o(to) give the baby back to god(God).'; 'heaven was like a doctor(')s waiting area,'; and, ' "No(,) sweetie pie,' she said.'.
This is a very good story with a terrific twist. It was totally unexpected until the very last paragraph. Well done.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'finally drifting off into a half(-)sleep; '; 'staring at the gun in her lap.' (When did she sit down, she was last standing/walking.); 'she rubbed her eyes to clear it(them). '; and, 'over the last 8(eight) years, '.
This is an extremely interesting setup for a story, but I feel much is missing. We are privy to the surroundings while in this "dead" state, but how your protagonist got there, who the hooded figure who spoke at the end and what happens next are all missing. Would like to see this expanded into a complete story of the incident, its consequences and aftermath.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'see my brother(,) Hunter(,) again didn't help either.'; 'Blood was seared(smeared?) all over my body '; and, ' "Welcome back(,) Marty Kirra. '.
This is a really eerie story where I was not sure what was dream, imagination and/or reality. Even though I realize inside one's mind that is the way it works, floating from one state to another with no hint of a break, it made this piece a bit difficult to follow.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'and half(-)watching the ancient Boris Karloff'; ' half(-)wishing it would explode and get her out of working.'; 'staring back through blonde trusses(tresses?), ice cream scoop in hand.'; and, 'a dining room not to(too) long ago.'.
This is a beautiful little piece of a once close relationship that has faded into the past - and is still missed.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'someone's open garage. (New paragraph) And I would smile. "I always will!" I (will-delete, unnecessary) respond,'.
This is an excellent story that grabs reader interest immediately, pulls him/her in and drags him/her along until the very end, wishing the end had not yet come.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'a ten(-)year(-)old boy in too-big boots '.
Oh my, oh my, oh my! What a tale you've created here! The consequences are too horrible to even imagine. I couldn't help but wonder if the same thing occurred with the wife, since we are never sure whether or not she was affected by the "potion". A truly gripping story that is well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' Though he is warm and living(loving?), she can’t bear for him to touch her.'.
This is a gripping tale that held me spellbound from start to finish - and this is only the first chapter?
You have done an excellent job of setting up the lifeless scene of destruction and the feelings of your protagonist. I was totally "with him" all the way. Very well done.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'I pushed it(the window or the door?) open. '.
This is a chilling story where you have done a marvelous job of characterization in a very small amount of space. It is well written and flows smoothly.
Have you considered expanded it into a full-length story? I think it's worth it.
This is a very strange story that I found a bit depressing. One cannot help but feel sorry for your protagonist who seems to be rejected both at home and in the wider society of her school. I think it would have emphasized her plight even more, had you given her a name to which the reader could relate.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' looking forwards(forward) towards her dark future,'; 'Morbid thought s(thoughts) flashed '; 'have no problems further then(other than) who was going'; 'laughed until her laughter turned until(into?) giggling and faded,'; and, 'a 16(-)and(-)a(-)half(-)year(-)old girl, '.
This is an interesting setup for this story. However, I feel it would be greatly improved if there were less "telling" and more "showing". What did this "twilight world" look like? What was Enset's appearance? What deeds showed him as "good and kind" and how was his "power" demonstrated.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'power to create an Emerald(. an Emerald-delete, unnecessary) that would keep the world'.
This is a nice poem that aptly describes the warming and awakening of the spring season.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The grass, soft as a bunnies(bunny's) tail,'; 'the light bright as a newborn(')s eyes.'; and, 'as each(they) chase each other across the sky.'.
I am not a poet and thus feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is an interesting piece that, if I understand it, speaks of the attraction of opposites.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Your(You're) mad'; 'Now were(we're) placing blame'; 'Your(You're) mine'; 'We understand each other(')s love'; and would suggest that you use "normal" spellings, as in "days" and "ways".
I am not a poet and thus feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a really cute idea. I feel it does need some additional work to smooth out the flow of the narrative, making clear distinction between the background of Herbert's experience, his son's intentions and the current action at the time the story is taking place.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'made to work for you(,) sir,” HDR542 stated . . . Mr Bigley who looked at this strange machine . . . a funny look(expression) (on his face-delete, unnecessary).'; 'a really adamanent(adamant) look on his face, '; 'Then prompty(promptly) pushed him roughly . . . as if he was(were) three!'; and, 'days and let(')s just say…. '.
This is an interesting little piece that makes a good point. Some of the wording seems a bit awkward and I think some smoothing out would improve the flow.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'more important than sims(Sims).' (Isn't this a "branded" or "trademarked" game?) ; 'you actually seem(see?) them date and things like that(,) but I digress.'; and, 'all the work(;) I can to ensure(can be sure of?) that.'.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.66 seconds at 3:05am on Jul 13, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
