This is an interesting piece of an interdependent relationship where no one can "win". It does, however, need some additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Isaac to do the devil(')s bidding was closer than he’d like to admit. When he looses(loses) his body and mind'; 'the original devil(-)infused predator of this town '; 'his families(family's) curse(-)guardian(,) Tholomew '; 'through Tholomew(')s eyes as he pulls out Morlock(')s throwing knives.'; 'eyes narrow into cat(-)like slits'; ' “Ah, so you won’t scream for me(,) Tholomew?'; 'sharp in take(intake) of a breathy moan on Tholomew(')s part. '; ' (")I soon as rather you kill Morlock.'; and, 'grin spreads over Tholomew(')s face . . . Stuck in a stale mate(stalemate) that’s like . . . it(')s dark(-)light reasoning.'.
This is a beautiful story of a long-held wish finally being fulfilled. I was so happy that she finally got what she really wanted. (By the way, I remember that Royal Purple and it was a bright one!)
This is a delightful story of a very unusual "good Samaritan". I love a good ghost story! This one is well written and flows smoothly.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'how eerie the road to Sam(')s house was '; '"Need some help(,) lass?" '; and, 'He was also a well(-)known rakehell!(?)'.
This is a very good chapter. Though picking up in the middle makes it difficult to assess the whole manuscript, I found this portion to be very interesting.
You may want to check the Public View as I believe that there are line breaks where you don't intend them to be.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, checking particularly for punctuation. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first third of this chapter: 'safe was exactly where she thought(remembered). Years before one evening,' (One evening years before); 'seat as the approaching(setting) evening sun '; '“7:10.(Seven-ten,)” Anne answered.'; ' “So uncle(Uncle) Al'; 'retrieved at(from) her father(')s house '; 'a man in the driver(')s seat'; 'man returned with a new(-)looking step van.'; and, ' “Pleasure to meet you(,) sir.(,)” David replied accepting the gesture. (")I want to thank you(,) Al.'.
This is an interesting sketch but it is more of a biographical or travelogue piece than it is a short story.
A short story should have a beginning where your protagonist is introduced along with the problem he/she will be addressing; a middle where the problem is worked on; and, an end where some resolution is reached.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit watching particularly for verb tenses, misspelled words and incorrect punctuation.
This is an interesting beginning to the story, as it serves to arouse interest in what has brought about your protagonists change in usual mood.
I would suggest that your paragraphs be broken up into shorter ones.
A couple of specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'All the dread and hatered(hatred) '; and, 'stayed at the front of his mind(,) “After today, '.
This is a very good story that illustrates the relationship between "family members". I would suggest that you might want to research the existence of shelters at that time. Don't believe they came along until much later.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' just like her fairy(-)tale marriage.'; 'almost urgently pulled (and lit-delete) another from the pack (and lit it).'; 'be part of her or her girl’s(girls') world.'; 'Harry Cullett walked into(in to) see. '; 'determination etched upon his wives(wife's) weary face.'; 'She had turned up(out) so much different '; 'You ran your errand(,)” she said with a voice full of scorn(.) '; and, 'drinking with your ten(-)cent whores '.
This is a good story with a very good lesson. It does, however, need some additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first third of the story: 'I have been getting nightmares(,-delete) about it.'; ' As if(,-delete) I’m not the worst person '; '“Good morning(,) Adam! '; 'I pick up my now(-)empty plate '; ' I knew I couldn’t stay to(too) long,'; ' I though(thought) he hadn’t heard me crying.'; and, 'what you are talking about.(,)” I said.'.
This is a beautiful, and so terribly sad, story that it brought tears to my eyes.
You have done an excellent job of characterizing Mama and aptly showed all the love she put into her humble gifts. Well done.
In this sentence, 'My walls were covered with a private starry night created from that gift, when the light hit it just right.'; would it flow better if it were begun with the last phrase, 'When the light hit it just right, my walls . . .'?
This is an interesting little piece where you've done a good job of imaging a world beneath the sea. However, it does need some additional editorial work.
Numerals one through ten should be spelled out.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'awaiting her presences(presence/arrival) at the "Anual(Annual) Mermaid '; 'Mary looked at her shell clock from(on) her glimmering nightstand.'; 'the 'air' and swoshed(swished) it toward her face.'; 'Mary admired her new bajewled(bejeweled), shimmering dress.'; 'small figure and fare(fair) skin.'; 'best friend(,) Gina, she(who) was the Goveners'(Governor's) daughter.'; and, 'is crowing(crowning) me today '.
This is a good story that has the potential to be even better. The action seems to jump around, omitting large chunks of time. Suggest filling in these gaps with transitional phrases, sentences or paragraphs to smooth out the flow and lead the reader seamlessly from one scene to another.
Suggest double checking the tenses of the verbs. They seem to bounce back and forth between present and past tense.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
One possible typo that you may want to check out: 'Lance was very inerested(interested) to hear what that was about,'.
This is a cute story with very creative uses of TV titles in the narrative.
It does, however, need a bit of additional editorial work.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Thanks for dropping over(,) Georgia,” Jenny squeezed her friend(')s hand,(.) “It’s nice '; ' “Soap opera’s(operas) and housework, '; and, 'twinkled mischieviously, “do(Do) you remember '.
This is a good story of a godly alliance saving a near-hopeless battle.
This is well written and flows nicely.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'A half(-)forgotten memory rose to him, '; 'as he looked at his one(-)eyed mate.'; ' “Come(,) Peneus! '; ' “We have no quarrel with you(,) Peneus,'; and, 'and the agitated(-)looking Giants.'.
This is an interesting, and very twisted, tale that keeps the reader wondering about your protagonist's mental stability until the very end.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'soft velvet chair, it's(its) comfort '; ' "What's wrong(,) honey?'; 'Jesse(James?) decided to leave early for the law firm'; 'flatten him at a moment(')s notice.'; 'it was built like one to(too), '; and, 'Its over(-)sized black eyes '.
This is an interesting story of a girl trying to get her message across through music. The recollection part while she is waiting for the CD to burn seems a bit repetitive. This would be a good opportunity to put in a little more background of their relationship. Would also like to see some sort of resolution at the end - did he get her message or did he not?
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Like a movie i(I) hate'; 'my safety mode,(;) If(if) I don’t think about it,'; 'he has (a) red couch '; 'I peaked my eyes out from(I peeked at him through) the hair that was covering '; 'His beautiful brown puppy(-)dog eyes '; 'I pleaded as I(my) voice '; 'ran as fast (as) I was now.'; 'cut through the elementary school (yard), '; and, 'hiding behind a corner (where) I knew he’d never see me (in-delete). '.
This is an interesting piece of a revelation that I think most of us come to understand as some point in time - sooner or later.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'That(')s when I began hearing two things'; 'He said, “Son(,) as you get older'; and, 'hear these 2(two) well(-)known truths '.
This is a beautiful story of an unrealized love. However, I had more than a little problem with Grandmother meeting the "love of her life" via computer and also with the "faded passport". Don't know how old the grandmother is supposed to be in this piece, but this isn't logical to me.
Computers didn't begin to come into common home use until the mid-to-late 80s and the "dating" sites came much later. (Most seniors were also very reluctant to use them when they first became available.) Before that "lovers" could "meet" through Pen-Pal Clubs (if they had never actually met) or they could have met while one or the other was traveling in a foreign country.
As for the faded passport, I have one issued in 1990 and it is not in the least faded. I feel that the timeframe of this piece should be pushed much farther back in time than it appears to be.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'see the love shinning(shining) in her Grandmother(')s eyes,'; and, 'Tears streaming down the girl(')s face,'.
This is a very good story of a group of men on an "out-of-towner". You've done a good job of bringing to life the baiting of younger associates and the teasing of the older ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “What’s it been(,) Jimmy? '; 'and wire(-)frame glasses.'; 'tried to focus on Jessie(Kenny?) over the rim of the glass. '; and, 'Jessie and motioned (for him) to join him and his female companion.'.
This is a beautiful, yet sad, story of a long-term relationship. I was a bit confused at first as to the timing, until I realized you were very realistically describing a dream - which you did very well.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'some help with his infliction(affliction)'; 'Two(-)seventeen in the morning.'; 'encircled the large oval(-)shaped lake.'; 'dancing upon the glass top(glassy) surface, '; 'a cedar(-)planked cottage '; 'small two(-)bedroom bungalow'; 'A smile appeared on the frog(')s face.'; and, 'much like her husband(')s did. '.
This is a very nice little poem that does a beautiful job of describing a "trip down memory lane" or siimply just freeform thinking. One never knows what's lurking behind the day-to-day concerns.
Since I do not write poetry, I feel unqualified to address any of the technicalities of the writiing.
This is a very good story up until the last few sentences where it seems to go awry. Who is Tess? What about the sea gulls? I don't recall any previous mention of these things.
This piece is all one very long paragraph. You may want to try breaking it up into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'sweating like some 400(-)pound sumo wrestler.'; 'I begged her o(to) give the baby back to god(God).'; 'heaven was like a doctor(')s waiting area,'; and, ' "No(,) sweetie pie,' she said.'.
This is a very good story with a terrific twist. It was totally unexpected until the very last paragraph. Well done.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'finally drifting off into a half(-)sleep; '; 'staring at the gun in her lap.' (When did she sit down, she was last standing/walking.); 'she rubbed her eyes to clear it(them). '; and, 'over the last 8(eight) years, '.
This is an extremely interesting setup for a story, but I feel much is missing. We are privy to the surroundings while in this "dead" state, but how your protagonist got there, who the hooded figure who spoke at the end and what happens next are all missing. Would like to see this expanded into a complete story of the incident, its consequences and aftermath.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'see my brother(,) Hunter(,) again didn't help either.'; 'Blood was seared(smeared?) all over my body '; and, ' "Welcome back(,) Marty Kirra. '.
This is a really eerie story where I was not sure what was dream, imagination and/or reality. Even though I realize inside one's mind that is the way it works, floating from one state to another with no hint of a break, it made this piece a bit difficult to follow.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'and half(-)watching the ancient Boris Karloff'; ' half(-)wishing it would explode and get her out of working.'; 'staring back through blonde trusses(tresses?), ice cream scoop in hand.'; and, 'a dining room not to(too) long ago.'.
This is a beautiful little piece of a once close relationship that has faded into the past - and is still missed.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'someone's open garage. (New paragraph) And I would smile. "I always will!" I (will-delete, unnecessary) respond,'.
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