This is an excellent story that grabs reader interest immediately, pulls him/her in and drags him/her along until the very end, wishing the end had not yet come.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'a ten(-)year(-)old boy in too-big boots '.
Oh my, oh my, oh my! What a tale you've created here! The consequences are too horrible to even imagine. I couldn't help but wonder if the same thing occurred with the wife, since we are never sure whether or not she was affected by the "potion". A truly gripping story that is well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' Though he is warm and living(loving?), she can’t bear for him to touch her.'.
This is a gripping tale that held me spellbound from start to finish - and this is only the first chapter?
You have done an excellent job of setting up the lifeless scene of destruction and the feelings of your protagonist. I was totally "with him" all the way. Very well done.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'I pushed it(the window or the door?) open. '.
This is a chilling story where you have done a marvelous job of characterization in a very small amount of space. It is well written and flows smoothly.
Have you considered expanded it into a full-length story? I think it's worth it.
This is a very strange story that I found a bit depressing. One cannot help but feel sorry for your protagonist who seems to be rejected both at home and in the wider society of her school. I think it would have emphasized her plight even more, had you given her a name to which the reader could relate.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' looking forwards(forward) towards her dark future,'; 'Morbid thought s(thoughts) flashed '; 'have no problems further then(other than) who was going'; 'laughed until her laughter turned until(into?) giggling and faded,'; and, 'a 16(-)and(-)a(-)half(-)year(-)old girl, '.
This is an interesting setup for this story. However, I feel it would be greatly improved if there were less "telling" and more "showing". What did this "twilight world" look like? What was Enset's appearance? What deeds showed him as "good and kind" and how was his "power" demonstrated.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'power to create an Emerald(. an Emerald-delete, unnecessary) that would keep the world'.
This is a nice poem that aptly describes the warming and awakening of the spring season.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The grass, soft as a bunnies(bunny's) tail,'; 'the light bright as a newborn(')s eyes.'; and, 'as each(they) chase each other across the sky.'.
I am not a poet and thus feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is an interesting piece that, if I understand it, speaks of the attraction of opposites.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Your(You're) mad'; 'Now were(we're) placing blame'; 'Your(You're) mine'; 'We understand each other(')s love'; and would suggest that you use "normal" spellings, as in "days" and "ways".
I am not a poet and thus feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a really cute idea. I feel it does need some additional work to smooth out the flow of the narrative, making clear distinction between the background of Herbert's experience, his son's intentions and the current action at the time the story is taking place.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'made to work for you(,) sir,” HDR542 stated . . . Mr Bigley who looked at this strange machine . . . a funny look(expression) (on his face-delete, unnecessary).'; 'a really adamanent(adamant) look on his face, '; 'Then prompty(promptly) pushed him roughly . . . as if he was(were) three!'; and, 'days and let(')s just say…. '.
This is an interesting little piece that makes a good point. Some of the wording seems a bit awkward and I think some smoothing out would improve the flow.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'more important than sims(Sims).' (Isn't this a "branded" or "trademarked" game?) ; 'you actually seem(see?) them date and things like that(,) but I digress.'; and, 'all the work(;) I can to ensure(can be sure of?) that.'.
This is a delightfully funny piece. Your mother must have cooked like my grandmother - by the SPD Method; "a Smidgen of this, a Pinch of that and a Dash of something else. Never did learn THAT method!
In this phrase, ' With fingers culped' Do you mean "cupped"? It's used a couple of times.
This is a beautiful story of an apparently inheirited wanderlust. It feels totally logical.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'a young baby put paid(an end) to that,'; and, 'It was a cold and matter(-)of(-)fact report, '.
This is an interesting story, but it seems a bit far-out. You seem to be saying that these people knew the entire "book" of their lives from a very young age. How can they know whether or not they'll finish school, get married, have children; even if their death is pre-programmed?
The timing here seems a bit off. The protagonist is just turning twenty and he already has a five-year-old child? That's an awfully early start.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
This is an absolutely delightful story of actually taking a "ride" in the famous Time Machine. I'm sure that under the same circumstances almost anyone's curiousity would get the better of them; consequently a very believable tale.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Regents Park bring vague ecollections(recollections)'; 'I figured(,) “What the heck! '; 'answered by a middle(-)aged woman '; ' “Yes.(,) Sir(sir). May I help you.(?)” '; 'foolish New York Yankee(')s cap'; 'everything perfect for heir(their)
evening’s repast.'; 'covered by a tarpaulin(-)type material.'; 'But, thee(there) was an odd stench'; 'I took a taxi straight to the Well(')s house.'; and, 'I keep
thinking(,) “Oh, my dear loved one,'.
This is an interesting story where you have done a good job of "getting into" a deranged mind with its conflicting thoughts and actions. I know nothing about rabies in humans but have heard that, if not caught soon enough, drives its victim mad. Makes one wonder what happened to the father.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
This is a very interesting story where you've done a marvelous job of describing a vibrant living jungle, untouched by man. These are beautiful pictures that you paint with words.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'his broad muzzle into(to) the crystalline lake, lapping '; and, 'nestled in frayed, honey(-)yellow roots.'.
This is an interesting poem that I'm not sure I quite understand. It seems we have one person lying on their death-bed and getting no imotional indications from their "partner".
Since I don't write poetry I feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a very moving piece that is both sad and inspiring. I can only imagine the emotional battles you all fought.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Everything I had ever know(known) was now about to change'; 'mother and I a lot of sadness and (feelings of) helplessness.'; 'non(none) of their treatment worked, the seizures we(were) more violent'; 'you were, (through) all the poking and all of the doctors you '; and, 'cause some long(-)term damage, '.
This is an interesting beginning to this story but it does need some additional work. For example, Abby's physical description seems to interrupt the flow of what she learned in prison and how it could be applied in the "outside" world.
You may also want to do some research on the prison system wherever you are setting the story. Here is my State in the US, felons rarely serve their full sentence time. They can get "time off for good behavior" which can cut a ten-year sentence to about seven years. Also what clothing and/or money released are prisoners given when discharged? I'm sure that varies from area to area.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Following are a few editorial suggestions from the first two paragraphs: 'on a sentence that she had not been guilty of . She had no friends, who would come ' (for a crime of which she had not been guilty, she had no friends who); 'She had no family (that she knew of-delete). '; and, 'She was given a ten(-)year sentence.'.
Good luck, I'm sure this can be worth the extra work.
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