This is a good beginning for a story. It does a very good job of defining Jessica and contrasting her with the narrator, setting up what could become the main conflict of the rest of the story.
What you have here is well written and I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a beautiful, and moving, story that brought tears to my eyes. I could just picture the wonderful bed, so lovingly made.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'atop each post rested a teardrop(-)shaped knob.'; 'She knew flour(-)sack dresses,'; and, ' he courted her,(;) though, at first, she wanted'.
This is a delightfully funny piece where you've done an excellent job of "imagining" the author of "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I could just picture him!
This is a very cute story where you did a good job of weaving parts of the original tale into this highly plausible version.
I did get a bit confused - I think by the 2AM - about what was fact and what wasn't. After going back and rereading that part I decided that was where the fantasy started.
This is a very beautiful, and moving, tale. Your Granduncle seems to have been a really terrific person and someone that I would like to have met.
I think that most children are afraid of death at some point and having a father figure such as this to allay those fears has to be a very conforting gift.
This is a very interesting beginning to a story of hacking into "trouble". Good start.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'In(From/Out of) the corner of his eye he could see his girlfriend cleaning up the paper plates(,-delete) and plastic cups '; 'His girlfriend(,) Avril Longmire(,) however, was a very successful Veterinarian(veterinarian),(.) a(A) profession'; 'and Mrs. Pickles(') Potato Shack, '; and, 'wrapping his warm robe around him(,) he walked '.
You have a very good story idea here of a guy who seems to be terribly unhappy with himself and with life in general.
It does need a considerable amount of additional editing work. Suggest you do a thorough proofread and edit checking for punctuation, word usage and spelling in particular.
This is an interesting piece that does a great job of "getting into the head" of a twelve-year-old.
I really was expecting some more "action". Your protagonist is unhappy with her home life, but we never learn why and she seems to attempt nothing to improve the situation.
A short story consists of a beginning where a protagonist is introduced along with whatever problem he/she is facing; a middle where the problem is "worked on" in some manner; and, an ending where some resolution is reached.
I think this very good idea is worth a bit of extra work to develop it into a true story.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'And TV is perfect for that, especially when you(')re 12.'.
This is an interesting scene, but I'm not following the intended story. Why is your protagonist running? What is he running from? Or what is he running toward?
A short story should have a beginning where a protagonist is introduced along with the problem he/she is to be dealing with; a middle where the problem is tackled; and, an ending where some sort of resolution is reached.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
This is an interesting piece of concerts and reunions is my guess, although it's not quite clear.
The paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'against the star(-)covered sky.'; 'head in the other boy(')s lap,'; 'stared bleary(-)eyed across the rows of tents '; 'as if (by) God(')s hand – '; and, 'and three(-)hundred(-)and(-)sixty(-)five days of reality.'.
Wow! This is quite a story. It is sad, moving and regretful all at once, and leaves the reader hoping against all hope for some sort of turnaround in the protagonist or a rescue at least.
Suggest checking for the missing apostrophe is contractions, i.e., "what's" and "that's".
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first six paragraphs: ' I waited for a minut(minute) in excruciating pain '; 'way in throug(through) a window above my bed, the blue walls that incased(encased) me appeared to be throbbing, insync(in sync) with my head.'; and, 'I'll take it slow i(I) thought.'.
This is a delightfully funny story that I'm sure many high-school guys would agree with the position of your main character - many girls, too, probably.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'my date would not be queen(,) I paid little attention'; and, 'and leave me (to-delete) there on the stage'.
This is an absolutely terrific story idea and it is well plotted. It does, however, need some additional work on the technicalities of the writing itself.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, paying particular attention to punctuation as in some of the examples below. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half: 'join the ever(-)expanding group of students.'; 'wonder that something was defiantly(definitely) up. '; ' Her next class, art(,) was the same.'; 'leave Mrs. June(')s wide eye(wide-eyed) glances'; ' “Mr. Crow(,) what(')s going on?” '; and, ' “Not all the (all the-delete, repeated) teachers are against it,'.
This is a really cute story of a girl falling in love that has quite a twist at the end. It certainly wasn't what I expected!
I really like this description, 'eyes, soft warm brown like melted toffee '.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'like the gently hush(gentle rush?) of a distant waterfall.'; ' “Claire, are you still day dreaming(daydreaming)'; 'I pleaded, following (behind-delete, unnecessary) her down the aisle.'; ' “No buts(,) Claire.'; and, 'Get real(,) Claire. He didn’t choose you.'.
This is a good beginning that arouses curiosity in the contents of the shoe box and what information is trying to be obtained from the old man. The introduction flows very nicely and does a good job of delineating the characters, especially the old man.
Chapter One slows down considerably and might be improved by a bit of tightening here and there. It still holds interest as it seems to be giving a bit of history of the old man and his wife. Does the rose petal have something to do with the story your protagonist is seeking? If so, it might help to add a hint of that here.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'It was something much biger(bigger) than him,'; 'I've got to take a piss(,) son.'; 'fact that its(it's) no longer yours to call your own. '; 'The equivulant(equivalent) of a splinter '; 'you'll fell(feel) the momentary slips . . . days start of(off) with the china singing . . . point where its(it's) an explosive force '; 'lonely queen(-)sized bed '; 'fairly young(-)looking(,) sixty-something(-)year(-)old man.'; and, 'the sick(-)looking man staring at him,'.
This is a very good beginning that aroused my interest in your protagonist so that I wanted to find out more about him. And, yes, there is obviously something is, or about, the old warehouse that is indeed fearful. That point came across very well.
Jim also came across as the type of person who kind of puts down everything and everybody and thus his opinions aren't to be trusted.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'and he smiled at it as (though-delete, unnecessary) he would smile at a friend '; 'half(-)teasing, half(-)meanness, '; and, ' "What the hel(hell)! '.
This is a very moving story that brought tears to my eyes. It is a beautifully written account of what many of our troops face on a day-to-day basis.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Blond, gray(-)eyed, a ready smile, '; and, 'the hummer goes air born(airborne) then slams down'.
This is a good story that has a somewhat philosophical message. Would suggest that you provide Melody's name in the first paragraph, so we begin getting to know her earlier.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'came to do? are(Are) you ready to return?” '.
This is a good beginning segment. It does seem as if it starts rather slowly. It may be because there seems to be more "telling" than "showing". I don't feel a real connection to Jessica until she begins her shopping trip.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'time to act like (an) old(-)time married couple '; 'cheek and said(,) “Thanks(,) Hon.” '; 'He opened and closed it as(the door) softly.'; 'two older ladies who she though(thought) she had seen'; ' only a five(-)minute trip away.'; and, 'and room number(Room Number) 6 on it.'.
This is a delightfully funny tale of a very unusual pet. By the way, can I borrow Joe the next time I'm researching a novel?
You have done an excellent job of bringing Joe and all the family to life, as their reactions to the shock of the discovery and subsequent acceptance are all perfectly believable. The entire picture you paint here is very realistic.
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