This is a moving tribute to an obviously revered man. I believe it would be helpful to the reader if you were to translate the native words into English, that we might understand what is being said.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'he reprimanded us by saying(,) “it(It) is because you '; and, ' “Sido, I have the flu,” I told him,(.)'.
This is a delightfully funny little tale of the whims of gods - and fairies. It is very well written and flows smoothly.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'he had lovingly hand(-)crafted and (had-delete, unnecessary) set up on a rack '; and, ' “Look, it(')s out of the question. '.
This is a really cute story. There are, however, a few breeches in logic. For example, Boy is holding his fishing pole in his teeth, yet he is able to lick Janie? You might want to have him plant his paws on the pole to hold it once he lays down and not grab it in his mouth again until he gets a bite.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'She heard old grand pa)grandpa) '; ' her ever(-)abiding companion and loyal dog, Boy.'; 'the chicken coupe(coop) to feed the noisy chickens.'; '“Come on(,) Boy!” she repeated excitedly to him,'; ' If there was a draw back(drawback) to bringing Boy '; and, 'spot where his hook had sank(sunk) down.'.
This is an interesting story where you have employed some great description of the sea and the area surrounding it and along your protagonist's walk to it.
This is well written and flows nicely.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'stretches from Bantry bay(Bay) to Dunmanus,'; 'heavily on the tar-mac(Tarmac) in a steady rhythm.'; 'a different strain, legs breaking(braking), managing his gravity,'; 'the dome is taught(taut) and tamed,'; and, 'her father for his daughter(')s hand,'.
This is an excellent story that has quite as surprising twist at the end. You did a very good job of carrying out the surprise.
This is, overall, well written and flows smoothly.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' There are times in a person’s life where(when) you have(he has) to sit'; 'we are supposed to disassembly(disassemble).'; ' to assemble the 3000(-)ton structure’s '; 'a Kevlar(-)lined data cable '; 'Gulf of Mexico since mid(-)October '; 'until after New Year(')s, '; 'family and closest friends jump out and yells(yell,) “Surprise!!!!”. '; 'home from a short three(-)week job.''; 'a deep Dramamine(-)induced sleep.'; 'If I went to look for the Captain(')s body,'; ' I came across a battery(-)powered marine radio.'; and, 'when I looked around and(at) my surrounding(surroundings).'.
This has the potential of being a wonderfully beautiful and moving story. However, it is in dire need of some additional work.
Commas should be followed by one space and periods by two spaces.
This is all one extremely long paragraph. Suggest breaking it into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first few sentences: ' inside my(the) afghan that my slavic(Slavic) grandmother knitted.(, )I focus my '; 'the small coblers(cobbler's) block I use for a table.'; 'Gazzing(Gazing) now about the beautiful cabin. . . my slavic(Slavic) Grandmother.'; and, 'It had one bedroom(,) a cozy living area(,) a small eat(eating area) in (the) kitchen(,-delete)and(,) thank the heavens(,) it now has'.
This is a beautiful, and moving, tribute to a relative lost way too early. It is, overall, well written and flows nicely.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'As my clock turned towards nine(-)thirty(,) I decided '; 'rest of that week revising(reviewing?) for my upcoming exams '; 'ten to get to the hall for(by?) one,'; 'sister got seats over (on) the far side together, '; and, 'I managed to stay dry(-)eyed '.
This is a beautiful story of the love of/for a family and appreciation of ther heirtage they have bestowed. It does however, a considerable amount of additional work.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half of this story: 'first morning of a long over(-)due vacation. '; 'cloud cover from last night(')s storm.'; 'Rolling hills and farm land(farmland) take up '; ' rich blood(-)red dirt trying to poke through.'; 'Horses gather under a lean(-)to, '; 'as they make there(their) way across the hilltop.'; 'but for other’s(others) it is the day '; 'I wish(wonder?) what it would be like to see them again, '; and, 'surround myself with there(their) love.'.
This is an interesting story where some may protest. However, I say it was only returned rejection.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'suprised when aunt(Aunt) Midge asked me '; 'When she bought(brought) the cat over '; 'but everytime i(I) fell asleep, '; and, 'cat was barracaded(barricaded) in my bottom '.
This is a good story and I absolutely loved the analogy you drew in the last sentence. Very clever.
In your title, 'Scene from te Beach ', is it supposed to be "the"?
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
'Waves(Wave) after waves(wave) formed in ripples at a distance'; 'teenage awkwardness on wearing two(-)piece bathing suits '; 'Her mouse(mousey?) blond hair '; 'opened her eyes to(at) the squeal of the other girl,'; 'exploring her surrounding(surroundings) with her hand.'; 'whimper the sound (of-delete) which drowned '; and, 'In a matter of minutes(, the) unimaginable had happened.'.
I'm not sure I understand this little poem, but it seems to be addressing trying to deal with painful memories and wanting them to stop their haunting.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
Since I am not a poet, I don't feel qualified to address any technicalities of the writing.
This is an interesting idea and sort of a summary. I would suggest that you "flesh it out" with actual scenes of the family conflict, the relationship and the hurtful comments to get the reader more involved with your characters.
Some of the wording here seems rather awkward. You may want to see what you can do to smooth it out.
A few specific editorial suggestions/questions that you may want to consider:L 'madonna and her(?) mother it made her to decide to say yes with(to) his(?) fiancee'; 'take a part(-)time job. '; 'and hurt(hurtful?) comments '; and, 'happy in each other(')s arm. '.
This is a cute little story where you do a great job of putting yourself into the viewpoint of an inanimate object.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some of the paragraphs here are pretty long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'someone would thow(throw) something that is disgusting.'; ' I thought to myself(,) "arent(Aren't) I dirty enough?" '; 'back on that girl(')s desk.'; 'Paulette said to Sheila(,) "hey(Hey) that(')s my sweater, why are you wearing it?" '; and, 'I loved the feeling (of) laundry soap cleaning me.'.
This is a good story of a "not quite honest" columnist. It does, however, need some additional work.
Personally, I don't much care for parentheses and would suggest that, if the information contained adds to the story, it be either worked into the regular narrative or set off by commas or dashes.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'writer(')s block, which, let(')s face it, is a bit of a pain.'; 'man I didn’t love (or really know) (was) by running to the airport'; 'I actually mean my friend(')s journey to India'; 'my mother dieing(dying) (actually the mother of my brother(')s wife'; 'as the Wondering(Wandering) Woman and if anyone find out I didn’t actually do as much wondering(wandering) '; ' it(')s like a high, '; 'push myself through the feeing(fleeing?) crowd '; and, 'That is when realisation fit(hits) me:'.
This is a very funny tale of how some people might choose to preserve their game. Can't disagree with your protagonist though in avoiding it altogether.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Still feeling a little sick on(to) my stomach'; and, 'hairy pieces of meat and beconed(beckoned) for me to come and get it. '.
This is a very difficult piece for me to review because it doesn't seem to really be a short story - which should have a beginning, a middle and an ending.
Some of the sentences are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest removing the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you might want to consider: ' she's(she'd) be beautiful with golden tresses,'; 'somehow never seem to feature(be featured) in fairy tales)'; 'some high(-)end city college.'; and, 'destined destined was she never to find happiness..." '(destined to never find happiness).
This is a very good, well-plotted story. It does, however, need some additional work.
Some editorial suggestion, excluding typos, that you may want to consider: 'with week(-)old stubble, ratty clothes '; 'The stranger glanced(looked) him over, as if '; 'took a much(-)needed breath as the pressure '; 'riders came up on(to) the house,'; 'group of men still were huddled by(in) the saloon,'; 'But Don't(Don) didn't slow down,'; ' no better then(than) common prison scum.'; 'they heaped the napalm(Another word.) into the inn, '; and, 'unfailing as they watched the building burned(burn). '.
With "friends" like Stan, one certainly doesn't need any enemies! This is a chilling story; however, it does need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier readability.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half of the story: 'his guitar hero(Guitar Hero?) controller.'; 'rose a brow to(raised a brown at) how concentrated(?) his dark-haired friend was.'; ' walked closer, his speed also fastening up.'(walking closer, he speeded up.); 'as his eyes widened-as(widened and) his hands clenched onto the tree '; 'But i'd(I'd) rather hear it from him." '; 'He grew goosebumps (from-delete) under his jacket '; and, 'He slid open a cabnent(cabinet) and pulled out a tool.'.
This is a very good beginning to this story of a degenerating relationship. This is, overall, well written and flows nicely. However, it does need some editorial work.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'While her husband(,) Sam(,) wasn’t a rich man, '; 'began having periods of self(-)damaging and impulsive behaviors. '; 'episodes soon escaladed(escalated) into full(-)fledged violent and irrational rages, '; 'Where as(Whereas) before they had been able '; 'he also thought she had “mental problems("). '; ' living “alone” in they(the) home they had built together.'; 'Her blood shot(bloodshot) eyes contained the pain '; 'Hope said as the most (as a) deeply personal insult.'; 'Sam had long since tried(stop trying) to take any responsibility for his own actions.'; and, 'Sam just couldn’t escape his black(-)and(-)white world,'.
This is a good story even though it is a bit fantastic. Wouldn't it be great if we could go back and give our former selves a good lecture to straighten them out?
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'She looked at piece(peace) but I knew her throat was tight.'; 'she wouldn’t use her God(-)given vocal chords '; 'stumbled forward with her eyes agape(This refers to the mouth, perhaps "wide" would be a better word.).'; and, 'goodness gracious, grow up(,) child.'.
** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jayepmarshall/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/46
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.56 seconds at 4:32am on Jul 07, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
