Wow! What an embarrassing moment! I'm glad you feel "purged". I have often walked down a street or hallway behind these guys fully expecting their pants to drop around their ankles at any moment. Can't help but wonder just how this trend got started.
This is a truly delightful read - of the laugh out loud variety. The second second sentence is very long and you might want to break it up somewhat.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'a peak(peek) into Audra’s cartoon world '.
This is a delightfully funny tale of a match which sounds totally incredulous. You have done a marvelous job of describing both of the pair and their individual idiosyncrasies. It seems very unlikely that such a match could last any time at all.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'apparently once was her brother(,) Nate.'.
This is a delightful little piece, although I must tell you that I anticipated the ending.
My thought was that Caleb was, in fact, a spirit - which it is said that children so often "see" until it is "conditioned" out of them. Is this what you intended?
At any rate, this is well written and flows nicely.
This is a very moving piece. Though it's not a letter that any mother would particularly LIKE to receive, it at least lets her know that he is still "all in one piece" at that moment anyway.
This story really brings home how the things young soldiers see bear on their minds and, when they do come home, they aren't the same "kids" who left.
This is a good detective story. It does, however, need a bit of additional work.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'have been some one(someone) who always cared about'; 'he is very seldom seen with-out(without).'; 'he was the butt of every ones(everyone's) jokes.'; 'little things like buying Cadillac’s(Cadillacs).'; 'dime a dozen in the 200(-)mile radius we call,'; 'home with some one(someone) who doesn’t have to pretend'; 'Randal walked around the man(')s house '; ' Randal found five one(-)hundred(-)foot , heavy(-)duty extension cords in the man(')s garage. '; 'live end from being kicked out by the trashing(thrashing), then(,) of course(,) dropped in the live end.'; 'container of gasoline and through(threw) it on her '; 'NO(,) it’(it) couldn’t have been a copy(-)cat killer,'; 'Randal Still(still) carved “TCB” on her forehead.'; 'talented enough to do it post-mortems(mortem).'; 'loved her to(too) much to have harmed her.” '; and, 'she knew of Randal’s where-abouts(whereabouts).'.
This is certainly a thrilling piece where the reader knows danger is nearing, yet the protagonist seems uncaring. This does need a considerable amount of additional work.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
The first word of each sentence should begin with a capital letter. Likewise, the pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'why(Why) am I even here, '; ' " i(I) missed you.... let(')s play"..... yes, let(')s! '; 'satisfaction,'it's(It's) about damn time". '; 'same pavement. there(There) is no control '; 'our way, should'nt(shouldn't) be long now. '; 'Everything(')s a blur now, '; ' hood of my charriot(chariot). '; and, 'howl of the four(-)hundred steeley horses'.
This is an interesting little piece that takes us full circle - from his current location to how he got there.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
You might want to put the Spanish in italics.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I lay huddled in(on) the grimy bathroom floor.'; ' “Vente(Veinte) y uno,” I said, '; ' “Unit numbe(Number) 12. '; 'A middle(-)aged man,'; and, 'I lay there in the stench and ruble(rubble) unable to move'.
This is an interesting piece that seems more like a scene from a longer piece than it does a story in and of itself. Is it supposed to be some sort of fantasy?
A short story should have a beginning where a protagonist and his/her problem is introduced, (Here that seems to be the tiresomeness of having no life other than going to work everyday.); a middle where the problem is addressed; and, an ending where some sort of resolution is reached.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'black, sleek, expensive(-)looking car.'; 'bottom of the dangerous ocean waves below,'(In the Rockies?); 'Every memory seems to be crashing In(in) on me,'; and, 'They’ve shot me in mid(-)air.'.
This is a good first chapter where you've done a good job of personifying your protagonist. She does seem to come off as a smart-aleck which is not a really "attractive" feature. At some point in time, will this attitude be explained?
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A couple of specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Oops, sorry(,) Stinker, I forgot to tell you '; and, 'It was an old(-)looking, navy(-)blue Ford Taurus '.
This is a good story of a day when Murphy's Law ruled. It does, however, need some additional work.
Proper nouns should all be capitalized.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first eight paragraphs: 'I would come (in) at 9:00 at night '; 'On new years day(New Year's Day) I decided '; 'reaching two(-)hundred(-)thousand miles.'; ' "I will change it once (I get) on I-55," I told myself.'; 'As I drove down fell(?)'; 'I was about three(-)quarters of the way'; ' picked up once it (hit) the ice,'; and, 'myself say, "no(No), no, no(,)" as if I could coax '.
This is a very good story of a girl letting revenge take over her life. It is well written and flows smoothly.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I had wanted to be an actor(actress - Protag is a female, right?), '; 'movie in which no-one(no one) wore clothes, '; and, ' If (I) had let go, I wouldn’t be here, ';
This is an eerie, chilling story that conjures up all sorts of "visions". You have done a great job with the description as well the plot.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'It flicked(flickered) and danced in and around the young saplings'; ' owner of the century(-)old house. '; ' “It(')s me(,) honey, where are your friends?'; and, ' “Right here(,) Sir.(sir,)” Jeanne and Kayla answered back.'.
This is a terrific story of a family dealing with a problem they never realized that they had. You've done a great job of getting Jared's feelings across through his very brief answers and pained facial expressions. Well done.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'he's doing his best to ignore them (as best as he can-delete, redundant).'; 'that black carry(-)all bag of his is no longer there either. '; and, 'If only, if only(,) dear God,'.
This is a very good story where amnesia is one's best friend and worst enemy - both at the same time. Well done.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'He ordered an Egg Mcmuffin set(?), '; and, 'he scurtinized the driver(')s license and discovered he was Sato Shinji, forty(-)two years old, '.
This is a very unusual story which I'm not sure I understand. Is the "vision" sought, the result of actual tissue damage? That's what seemed to be indicated
This is well written and flows smoothly..
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' "Hello(,) Kate," he said.'; and, 'He held her head close to his and pulled(put?) his eyes as close to hers as possible.'.
This is a delightful little story. Couldn't help but wonder if Mike was a Leprechaun in disguise. This is well written and flows nicely.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' While brushing his teeth, (he) had some crazy ideas: '; 'tune (yellow(Yellow) submarine(Submarine)),'; 'Mike put (on-delete) an apron on Isaac's torso and mumbled(,) "okay(Okay)". '; and, 'He took his customer's long hair(locks - since the pronouns following are plural.) (they reached '.
This is a very good poem. You could consider "Adjustments" as a title, since it seems to be the senses of a recently blinded person learning a new way of living.
I found no errors.
Since I am not a poet, I feel totally unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing.
This is a very moving piece of all the emotions behind a "token" of love.
The first phrase here, 'She nodded no, as tears made her eyes sting.', sort of went against my grain since I feel "nodded" indicates 'yes'. Didn't offer any suggestions since I didn't want to "mess up" your rythmn. Just wanted to mention it for your consideration.
Since I don't write poetry, I feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing.
This is a potentially good story here. The plot is very good but the actual writing needs considerable additional work.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, paying particular attention to punctuation, verb tenses, spelling and capitalization. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first two paragraphs: 'She had short(,) dark(-)red hair and brown eyes. '; 'She was wearing (a-delete) my sweater '; 'I had the Mercades(Mercedes) today '; 'and drive their hummers(Hummers) and lexus’(Lexuses).'; and, 'week with my ferrari enzo(Ferraro Enzo), . . . Then I fergot(forgot) how much I liked driving my nice cars that I gave my toyota(Toyota)'.
This is a interesting story that offers the opportunity to go more in depth into the minds of both the protagonist and the antagonist, should you choose to do so.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differintiate them from regular narrative.
Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.
A few specific editorial sujggestions that you may want to consider: 'dropped it about 3(three) times '; ' figure laying about 3(three) meters '; '3(Three) hours later, Michelle groggily opened her eyes.'; 'despite trying (not to) as hard as he could (not to-delete).'; and, 'and that she was a 17(-)year(-)old girl. '.
This is a very intersting article about the comtrasts between the nightlife in London versus Israel. It is, overall, well written.
A few of the sentences seem irordinately long; you might want to break them into shorter ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'hour or two out of one(')s work day. '; 'all meticulously debated (over-delete) via email, phone '; 'capital’s brutal 5(five-)day work schedule '; 'three(-)hour tube journeys and 8(eight) hours of soul-destroying office work.'; 'A five(-)hour plane ride '; 'bars/clubs/pubs here, my nights (here-delete) have also extended'; 'films regularly show gone midnight(?) '; 'Resultingly(?), no-one(no one) plans anything here too much.'; and, 'Going to a friend(')s for dinner for example,'.
This is a very moving poem about an all too common of a problem.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Anger(,) fear,'; 'Running(,) hiding.'; Insults(,) then pain,'; 'Screaming(,) bleeding,'; Suffering(,) dieing(dying).'; and, 'You(Your?) demons eating away at you.'.
Since I don't write poetry, I feel totally unqualified to address any of the technicalities of the writing.
This is an interestng introduction that works to arouse reader curiousity. I would suggest, however, that you give some indication here as to what disability is being addressed.
Also, this is only one paragraph that should be better if broken into several shorter ones.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'In defedently(?Spelling?), I will post and keep track of the chapters to each unit.'; 'so that you will not get too board(bored). I am not here to make people board(here to bore people.),'; and, 'everyone goes through tough times, one(times at some) point in their lives. '.
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