This is an interesting piece that has inspirational potential. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
This is one long paragraph; suggest breaking it into shorter ones.
Also, when writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph and all spoken words should be enclosed in quotation marks.
Some of the sentences here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'make different shoes(,-delete) and clothes, '; 'you think your(you're) going to make magic shoes'; 'he started to think, how(How) can I make magic shoes.'(Put thoughts in italics to differentiate from regular narrative.); and, 'he said(,) " the(The) sky is the limit'.
This is an interesting beginning to this story, but it does need a considerable amount of work.
The use of the word "average" in the first paragraph is very likely to mean many different things to different people. Suggest picturing what is meant through a descriptive sentence or two.
Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.
Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun. For example: "good-looking man".
Would suggest trying to avoid "author interference" and simply tell the story.
You have created a very interesting, and most unusual, character here. I'm sure he would attract attention wherever he happened to put in an appearance.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'at least six(-) and(-)a(-)half(-)feet tall and four-hundred(-)some pounds. '; ' “How are you today(,) sir? '; and, ' “You can call me John(,) the sandwich man.'.
This is a good piece of the internal war in debating a declaration of love. You have done a good job of putting across the mixed feelings.
This is well written and flows nicely.
I did notice that it is all centered, a highly unusual format for prose. Was this intentional?
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I was scared to break the air(silence?) with my voice,'; and, 'but my soul reacted off(on) impulse.'.
This is an absolutely terrific poem. You have done an excellent job of describing the two-faced behavior of "false friends" and inspired readers into overcoming such influences. Well done.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very nice poem proponing following the Christian instructions and acting as one should.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'I will fight and i(I) will win.'. I seems as if you've changed point of view here (if that's the right phrase) as the remainder of this piece is addressed to "you".
This is an interesting poem that I'm having a bit of difficulty understanding.
From your description, it seems that you are addressing relationships with two different people. However, this was not clear in the poem itself. It could also be two different phases of personaltiy in the same person, if that makes sense.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a good poem where you have used some very vivid language to describe the feelings that overtake with the changing of the season.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Parts of me(,) I supress(suppress)'; 'I just cannot(,) CANNOT(,) contain them in fall.'; and, 'Whether it's the crip(crisp) breeze with which the clouds roll by'.
This is an interesting poem where you have used very descriptive language to reveal the depth of your feelings. I loved the line, 'Going crazy without you, laying in bed'; so fitting of those late-night musings.
The colors of the font chosen do make reading it a little difficult, perhaps a bit darker shade would help.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very interesting tale of a horrific influence in a young life. It does, however, need some additional work.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The pleasure did not outweight(outweigh) the wait time, '; 'front of me, one, two, three(,) four. '; 'some dark(-)haired, short kid '; 'I spoke up and said(,) "hey(Hey), what the heck?'; 'At the time(,) I was more mad at myself '; 'I said(,) "yeah(Yeah), I know him, why?" '; and, 'profound effect this boy(')s death had on me.'.
This is an interesting piece that plays out a carefree life to its tragic ending. You have done a good job of getting across to the reader the personality of the subject - a sort of "devil-may-care" attitude.
Can't help but wonder if you intended to have this whole piece centered, as it is a very unusual format, or if it was an accident.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'my dress wiping(whipping?) circles around my calves'.
You have done a great job here depicting the growing symptoms of this horrible disease and allowing the reader to feel, by proxy, the growing sense of helplessness and loss of control over one's own body.
This is a very intersting character study that is well written and flows nicely.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'For what(From what/For all) they knew, '; 'old man doomed to live as one until(for) the rest of his days.'; and, 'thought not only opens are(our) mind(minds) to reality,'.
Wow! This is certainly a horrific story! You've done a great job of putting the reader into the depraved man, enough so that it was totally difficult to distinguish fantasy, or the DTs, from reality. A really chilling tale. It does, however, need some additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, watching particularly for confusion between "your" for "you're" and "except" for "accept". The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first ten percent or so of this story: 'Oswald with that shoot(’-delete) in.” '; 'You know, shootin(') President Kennedy.” '; ' “You okay(,) mister Bartholomew? '; 'Your(You're) in your drinks(,) aren’t you?” '; 'I do to help sort ya out than(then)?” '; 'credits to any bollywood(Bollywood) movie production.'; 'fount of over(-)analyzed and over(-)scrutinized treatises '; and, 'Eyes that said(,) ‘What do you think your(you're) doing?'.
This is an excellent story where you have really brought your main character to life. Your description of both him and his world were very well written and took me "right there".
"The Stand", incidentally, was one of my favorite books.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' getting close to Stanley(')s face, '.
This is an interesting beginning where you provide very vivid descriptions of the girl's surroundings. However, the reader learns very little about this person who seems to be the main character. What is she looking for, or trying to do, in going to this place?
Believe it would increase reader interest if you were to lay out her quest, and why it is important to her, in the beginning and work the background information in throughout the story. You would also create additional interest if you were to give her a name.
Suggest re-reading for misuse of "it's", contraction of "it is", for "its", possessive of it.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'slow trail of blood slide it’s(its) way '; 'slowly sloping, leaf(-)covered slippery bank, '; 'a thin veil of (sheet-delete, unnecessary) ice covering the surface. '; and, 'scrubbed with the heal(heel) of her palm '.
This is a really chilling story of a modern-day Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde - without the chemical aids.
This is well written and flows nicely.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Johnny's best friend (,)Leonard(,) was going to tease him'; and ' He rustled(tousled) the boy's hair and knelt down to face him'.
This is a good story of a very "strange" little boy. I did however anticipate the ending. I did wonder why the parents were apparently constantly fighting; guessed that it was about the "problem child".
This is a beautiful and moving piece of a gone, but not forgotten, childhood. You have done a terrific job of bringing the reader into the memories of a little girl whose life was a mix of feelings - good and bad.
This is well written and flows nicely.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I remember so well eating fresh(-)plucked plums.'; and, 'I see all three of us in my mind(')s eye.'.
This is a terrific story of a rebellion. You've done a great job of describing the conservative values and expectations of the people in this town. Reminds me of the small town where I grew up.
This is very well written and flows nicely.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very good story that is a great illustration of the old adage, "what goes around, comes around". Have the feeling that the dinner provided Josh with his "comeuppance".
You have done an excellent job in showing each of your characters for what they are. Well done.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'so dingy and run down(,) Josh felt repulsed by them'; 'save money on overhead--a lot of money (on overhead-delete, repetitive).'; 'steps of her (house-delete) old but well-maintained home,'; 'that beautiful sunset("sunrise" a few sentences earlier) made Rose '; ' Excuse me, Josh(,) I absolutely have to take this'; 'take care of everything(,) Mrs. Wallace';
This is a beautiful, and very moving, piece of a beloved man ravaged by disease. You've done a beautiful job of contrasting the man he once was with the one who now exists.
This is very well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'uneven ground in the back yard(backyard).'.
This is a very interesting piece where you make some very logical arguements. I couldn't agree more that we continue paying more and more for various insurance coverage, only to have it cover less and less.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'why we carry home owners(homeowners') insurance '; 'husband and I carry full(-)coverage insurance . . . that If(if) we got in a wreck . . . insurance from my auto(-)insurance company as well.'; 'coverage to insure we are full(fully) protected.'; 'Let(')s also throw into loop'; 'I mean, If(if) my son fell '; and, 'our money as they possible(possibly) can.'.
This is a terrific story that one can only say, "If only it could be so." You do a beautiful job here of creating the imagery - both celestial and human - that brings this piece to life.
This is very well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'dark and dusty garret in a long(-)forgotten neighborhood of slums.'.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jayepmarshall/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/39
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.56 seconds at 11:24am on Jul 02, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
