This is a nice piece, but it did leave me with a lot of questions. What has happened to the father? The mother is still there, but the references to "her husband" indicate he isn't the narrator's father. Who does the baby belong to?
An approximate age of the narrator would probably help. Is he/she (My feeling is that she's female.) still living in her parents' home?
Suggest providing the reader with some more background to better acquaint us with the protagonist.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' I smile, unable to do nothing but(anything else). '; 'Uncles arguing with each other on(about) cars, '; 'a door, and 1(one) window. '; and, ' I grumble(Right word?) out of bed '.
This is an interesting first chapter where you succeed in gaining reader interest in your main characters and what has happened, and will happen, in their lives. It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first third: 'walk down the perimeter(,) looking at each tombstone '; 'the order by(in) which they appear '; 'It is barely visible from(through) the mist.'; 'nothing more than just a whisper in(on) people’s lips, '; 'just a high(-)school freshmen in love with another coquettish high(-)school freshmen by the name '; 'Mrs. Thompson’s second(-)grade classroom.'; 'new world in which she now found herself (in-delete, redundant),'; 'over to me and said.(,) “Now you be good to Miranda, '; and, 'Many (a-delete) people had claimed '.
I can totally empathize with your desire to read and write in a language not your native one. You have pled your case very well.
I hope that the following editorial suggestions will assist by giving you some tips on writing in English: 'Madagascar is one of these(those) contries called french(French)-speaking.'; 'ordinary people speaks(speak) local language.'; 'I do speak french(French) very well . . . write in english(English). . . . years ago to an english programs(English program).'; 'speak or write in english(English), '; 'listen to english(English) report on TV . . . knew theses(these) words.'; and, "I learnt(learned) that some websites . . . want to write and practise english(English).'.
This is a well-plotted beginning to this story. It does however, need considerable additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first three paragraphs: 'I pulled my blanket off (of me-delete, unnecessary) and scrambled '; 'which I saw in(from) the corner of my eye'; 'I turned to sight(look into) the dark area.'; 'but of course, much less brighter(bright).'; 'hoping the creeking(creaking) wouldn't wake'; 'dense bushes at the wall(edge) of the woods. '; 'Or maybe was it(it was) the same glow '; 'The glow was now two seperate(separate) lights'; 'giant wolf standing on it's(its) hind legs. Bearing(Baring) it's(its) teeth at me. '; 'It's(Its) snarling sounding hungry.'; and, 'opened it's(its) jaws to bite me and then...'.
This is a very good little story of helping a friend in need. You have done a very nice job of showing Sarah's feelings toward her friend and gaining others' support.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “David,” She(she) whispered, '; 'You’re(Your) dad is gone forever '; 'noise in the ever(-)silent home of her fifteen(-)year(-)old friend, David.'; ' “Hello(,) Mrs. Gadson, '; 'obvious in the ever(-)darkening winter weather,'; 'the written word,(.) “He’s…He’s been drinking,” '; 'repercussions as serious as this,(.)” a(A) few tears dripped down '; and, 'Mrs. Gadson had finished(,) Sarah broke down '.
This is an interesting piece of a relationship and its loss.
When you wrap this up, the contents of the note and the cause of the hospitalization should be clarified.
Suggest you do some research on the correct medical terminology for the equipment and procedures.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'he(He) expressed(spoke) with such emotion . . . devoted to me as I (was) to him.'; 'The beeping of the respirator(heart monitor) was a quiet reminder that his heart was still beating.'; 'His face softened and (he) gazed into my eyes '; ' “Nonono, please no,” ' ("No! No! No! Please, no,); 'began to perform CPR(This isn't CPR, another term.) on Connor’s body with the paddles'; and, ' “Why,(?)” I kept asking myself.'.
This is a very different piece where the VP person seems to be a real troublemaker - or maybe it is a trouble seeker. This does need a lot of work, especially with word usage, grammar and punctuation.
The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized. A period at the end of a sentence should be followed by a double-space.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'questions were no i(I) don(')t know the answer neither do you(don(')t do that).Also when i(I) was asked a question like(,) (")Why are you playing with rulers(?) (but-delete) they always expect me '; 'One day(,) it was wednesday(Wednesday.) i(I) felt like happy slapping the teacher, then backhand(backhanding) the head(master)(headmaster).'; and, 'School is like prison (where)your(you're) trapped in a cell '.
This is an interesting piece, but I feel that I don't understand the symbolism you're using here.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider:
'So I treck(trec) not across the line
Semetric(Right word?) feeling seel(seal) my lips
Till('Til) death befalls on me and mine'.
Since I am not a poet, I don't feel qualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a good story in which the ending was not what I expected from the title; in fact, ir was the opposite. You have done a good job of depicting Vicky, showing his depression and resentment. An excellent turn-around for him to make in the end. This does, however, need additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first third to half: ' “Trrrrrrrrrr(!)” Deafening sounds of the alarm clock echoed (off) the walls of the bedroom,'; ' whisky he had yesterday(last) night, . . . He couldn’t believe that the weekend has(had) actually ended. '; ' “God! I have to go to the office(.)” '; 'dragged himself to the rest room(bathroom).'; 'Little latter(A little later) he stood before the mirror '; 'changed, If(if) I had married that day(.)” he(He) felt nagging pain deep inside . . . leaving for the office and that too(or) so early in the morning.'; and, 'I would have stopped (the) marriage(.)” He wondered why (did-delete) she took(made) the decision '.
I found this to be a very strange piece. Losing a family member is a sad occasion, yet I could understand the brother's joking around as an attempt to lighten the tension. My overall feeling, though, was that the burial was a "chore" required by some previous promise; as if there were no real attachment or caring for the person herself. Don't know if this is what you intended.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'He opened up the lid and seen(saw) her necklace,'; ' "yes(Yes), this is the right one." '; and, 'for a 120(-)mile ride.'.
This little poem is full of wisdom in providing evidence that hingsight is 20/20 while foresight is not nearly so accurate. A very "neat" little message in very few words.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' "I'll be with you(,) darling, through all eternity." '.
I was a bit confused by this piece. The first three lines seem to be self-recrimination for some perceived wrongdoing, although we haven't a clue what this might have been or the magnitude of the digression.
The next four lines contain a disagreement from "he" and a reconsideration of the self-evaluation. The last four lines seem to be more of a lecture.
Seems to me this would be more powerful if it were all directed toward self-examination and analysis, with planned efforts to improve.
This is a cute piece that seems like a typical "almost two" child.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'You stand up in your crib and say(,) "Hi(,) baby!" '; 'Through our 30(-)minute drive you are "singing" to the radio'; 'All I do is think about you those 8(eight) hours I'm not there'; 'I charge out the door to(of) the office building once 4pm hits'; 'When you finally spot me at the door you cry(,) "Mama(!)" '; ' "Papa(!)" you shout as you run and give grandpa a hug'; 'Grandma comes home and you run to her saying(,) "Gegee" '; '"Daddy(,)" you say while you give him a food-filled hug'; 'Its(It's) almost bath time so you finish your applesauce dessert'; '"No(,)" you say and shake your little head'; '15(Fifteen) minutes go by with your water(-)time fun'; 'Daddy comes in to read you a bed time(bedtime) story'; and, 'Mommy can't wait for the weekend when 8(eight) hours of emptiness is(are) filled'.
This is a neat little poem that seems, to me, to be saying that all of the dreams we dreams as young lovers don't necessarily come about as we had hoped.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
Since I don't write poetry, I don't feel qualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a good poem that provides a nice illustration of nearly endless patience when awaiting someone you love. I envision a soldier serving in a war.
I did wonder at the sitting outside, even in the rain, since nothing is mentioned of a porch or any other kind of shelter.
In this stanza:
'I sat outside
Letting the sun hit my face
The whistling of the birds
The calmness of the blue sky';
it seems as if something is missing, since only one verb, "Letting" is used and it doesn't seem to go with the last two lines.
This is a truly gripping story of a young girl and what amounts to a fight for her life. You have done a very good job of putting your reader into her head and showing us how different triggers effect her.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'The fireplace(chimney?) was visible from where she stood,'.
This is a very well-plotted beginning to what seems to be intended to be a book. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work done on the writing itself.
There are a lot of repetitions of variations of the word "diggin", you might want to see if you can replace some of them.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Proper names and their titles should be capitalized.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Suggest checking for matching tenses of verbs as they seem to frequently switch.
Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first two paragraphs: ' It was (a) scorching sunny day . . . and the caterer(curator) of (the) British Museum, '; 'both were agreed to(on) some theories'; 'chamber of khufu’s(Khufu's) pyramid, . . . chamber of king khufu(King Khufu).'; ' “Can(')t believe that this chamber is(was) built '; 'by running his fingers on(over) it.'; 'He amusingly(?Right word?) called tom,(Tom) “hey!!!(Hey!) this is amazing… take a look here !(!-delete)”,(. New paragraph) tom(Tom), who was very much absorbed '; 'And replied in muttering(And muttered,) “this(This) can’t be….”(.-delete) (New paragraph) “May be(Maybe) we should contact Richard'; and, 'they can help us”.(,) Asad said (to tom-delete). Tom (seems-delete) agreed with asad(Asad).'.
I have read several chapters of these Writing Guidelines and have found them very informative.
I especially enjoyed the Chapter on comparisons between British, Australian and American English (since I always try not to to "mark" those spellings); the Chapter on Photo Prompts; and, especially, the one on Goggledygook. How much of THAT do we run into on a daily basis.
I intend to keep this piece in mind for future reference.
This is a really good poem. You've used some fantastic images to describe what we can sometimes find in the written word - those hidden treasures that we run across in some of the most unlikely places.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or puncuation.
Since I don't write poetry, I don't feel qualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a very gripping story even though I forsaw the disaster when the pot was placed on the stove. It would be hilarious if it were not so serious.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some of the paragraphs here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first half of this story: 'my wife,) Gayle(,) kissed me on the cheek'; 'I’m going up stairs(upstairs) to read for a bit.” '; 'all things any self(-)respecting caveman '; 'I(')ll beat Tiger Woods by 10 holes. '; 'any other self(-)respecting sports fan '; 'a beautiful star(-)filled night, '; and, 'looking as noble as a pure bread(purebred) boxer can look.'.
This is an interesting piece. However, I did wonder what was the subject on television that triggered this reaction; as well as the occasion causing everyone to be home in the middle of the afternoon, which is apparently unusual. That portion seems to be missing from this tale that paints a pretty accurate picture of society, as a whole, today.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'When i(I) walked into my home that afternoon,'; 'filled the air as we watched (the television-delete, repetitive from last sentence).'; 'walked down the once(-)beautiful street, '; 'It's(Its) once admirable beauty'; 'Were(Where) I was going '; 'It's(Its) beauty would never falter'; and, 'Our tears disappeared in the ocean(')s embrace.'.
This is an interesting tale of a strange boy and his stranger "companion". It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'kids at school shunned him (away-delete, unnecessary),'; 'his legs felt like ancient pillars that would crumble before(under) him'; 'house which was black as his eye socket's(sockets). '; and, 'Tom's beheading(,) George woke up '.
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