This is an interesting scene. A short story, however, contains a beginning; where a protagonist and his/her problem are introduced; a middle, where the problem in worked on; and, an ending, where some conclusion is reached.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'where I use(used) to spend my summer time(summertime) with my family '; 'She taught me Spanish as I (helped) her with English.'; 'The teacher talk’s(talks) gibberish'; 'her lip is(lips are) all I notice, I wonder if they taste and feel'; and, 'are coated with plastic(,) letting less and less light and colour in (and) making this the gloomiest room '.
This is a very well-plotted story of a spiritual journey. It does, however, need some additional work.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Soime specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'my mother had settled much(many) of our things in '; '"Take my hand(,) honey. '; 'The sound of my mother(')s voice confirmed that for me.'; 'found myself questioning it's(its) purpose. '; 'he would tell you about (it) someday'; '(Inside-delete) the(The) book contained all the secrets and legends of the lake.'; ' "It's okay(,) sweetheart, don't worry. '; 'You're(Your) mother needs you.'; ' "I miss you(,) dad. '; and, 'you will find it as I found my father(')s.';
This is a beautiful little story of a love gained, lost and regained.
It would bring the reader more "into" the story if you were to show the specific scenes, including setting, actions and dialog, of the different steps along the way.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I was desperate to reveal my life(-)long secret admiration of her,'; 'My worst fear was to loose(lose) her'; 'but I wasn’t about to loose(lose) her.'; and, 'mementos of our short(-)lived romance '.
This is a very sad story where I couldn't help but wonder if something had happened to the Master. You do a very good job of putting the reader into the dog's head, and understanding his valiant attempts to get someone to notice his plight.
This is well written and flows nicely.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'fatty wrapper through the fence, (while he chewed,) he mused(, while he chewed,-delete) on who might have knocked the trash over.'; 'cruching over the snow out of rythm(rhythm),'; ' now astatic(ecstatic?), doubled his efforts.'; and, 'wisps of steam pawwed(pawed?) the opening.'.
This is a very gripping scenario that is well written.
However, it just stops at the point of greatest interest and excitement. What happens to the girl? Does "It" follow her? Is it the threat that she anticipates or is it harmless? What is "It"?
It would also increase reader interest if you were to give the girl a name and let us get to know her, and care about her, prior to her adventure.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'there were thick high(-)growing weeds.'.
This is a very sad, sad poem. If I am understanding correctly, this is a tribute to a very good friend who, after you were separated, became unhappy. The unhappiness deepened into depression, eventually ending in a suicide, either deliberate or accidental through drugs or alcohol.
One editorial suggestion you may want to consider: 'for a never(-)ending thirst'.
This sounds like a very interesting family you have introduced here. However, I don't think that it is going to do the job that one wants a prologue to do, which is entice/hook readers into delving on into the main story.
Since your book is about a "mysterious storm", would suggest that you begin with a scene of where the storm is either building up or beginning its strike. The other family members and their interrelationships can be worked into the narrative as the battle with the storm unfolds.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' I have a part(-)time job working '; 'my grandma has owned for twenty(-)four years now. '; 'chance of making it in(into) the Olympics this year.'; 'My Aunt Lizz is an artist like my grandma.' (This is the first mention of grandma being an artist.); 'her own called(,) “The Indigo Paradise” '; 'beautiful two(-)story home in the country.'; 'small gazebo that has a swing (on it, placed-delete, unnecessary) right in the middle of it.'; and, 'the patio is a shiny cobble stone(cobblestone) path '.
This is a very strange piece where I, personally, don't really understand what you are trying to say.
Some specific editorial suggestions, mostly punctuation, that you may want to consider: 'There is no moon tonight(,) out come the vampires'; 'Quit hittin' me(,) baby(,) kiss me'; 'No don't leave me(,) i(I) didn't mean it'; 'You're so selfish(,) it's practically an artform'; and, 'When we feed it(,) I wanna hear you scream'.
This is a cute story of a problem that could happen to anyone.
I loved the ending and would so hate to caught in that net of "Did I do it?" or "Did I just dream I did it".
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
This sentence, ' "Oh My God," she yelled as she started to find her folder with her papers in it.', seems a bit awkward and repetitive. Suggest rewording something like, "she yelled, trying to find the folder with her papers in it".
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first half: ' "Remember how my uncle(Uncle) Jeremy said '; 'her bumper hitting(hit) the sidewalk '; 'To a passer by(passer-by - Right word?) driving along side, Jay would have looked like a 20(-)something(-)year(-)old woman '; 'she should of(have) known better than to let someone else'; and, 'drove down highway(Highway) 50 to the Watt exit; . . . At every red light(,) she cursed out(,) "figures(Figures)," or(,) "come(Come) on," '.
This is a good poem that seems to me to be contrasting the surface glitter of an area with the reality hidden beneath it.
You have painted some very vivid, and somewhat haunting, images here.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The Blank(blank) white canvass(canvas) is splashed with a hue of colours,'; 'In the minds(mind) of a Hippie,'; and, 'But who has seen the nightmares??(?)'.
This is an interesting piece in a really different "voice".
Some of the language doesn't really sound like a four-year-old child although some of it is right on. The first paragraph, particularly, sound too "grown up". You might want to check that out.
Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.
'One time she forgot me at a friend(')s house.'; and, 'my favorite Primary song is(,) “I’m Going to See the Temple”.'.
This is a cute story that has a good storyline. It does, however, need a lot of additional work.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Numbers from one through ten should be spelled out.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit watching for the sort of errors as listed. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first paragraph: 'do i(I) have a peice(piece) of paper '; 'I don(')t know what it is about him,'; 'Maybe it(')s becuase(because) he is the basketball all-star,'; Can(')t you see im(I'm) not one of those girls? '; and, 'maybe three times since fourth grade (to now-delete), and were in 8th(eighth) grade. I(')m just not cool enough '.
This is an interesting story, expecially for me since I'm very interested in the Civil War era also.
I do believe, however, that some additional research may be needed. For example, "cobblestone" walkways are mentioned. I don't believe those would have existed in the South although I THINK some of the northern cities used cobblestone paving. Many of the bigger southern cities had a few of their main streets paved with brick in the 1800s, but most roads and pathways would have been dirt roadways or pathways.
If Lorena's mother was mistress of a plantation, I don't believe she would have been picking her own cotton. There would have been slaves to do that sort of work, as well as the housework. After all, that lifestyle was what the Civil War was all about.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'be the never(-)ending Civil War.'; 'her heavily Southern(-)accented voice.'; 'door just in case (if-delete) anyone was looking for her,'; ' “Just a minute!” Lorena shouted (as a knock sounded) at the door.'; and, ' “Look it, it(')s Johnny Reb!” '.
This is a terrifically fun story that I thoroughly enjoyed. It is funny, yet realistic at the same time.
You did a great job is using those prompts - not an easy batch, in my opinion.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “No(,) Ray, not even if it was naked '; 'one or two well(-)placed remarks.'; 'as Laura’s eyes bore down on him(bored into him?), '; ' “Off(Of) course not!” he answered,'; and, ' “Okay(,) Superman, you win.'.
Wow! What an unexpected ending! This is a very interesting "manhunt"; however, I did think she would get her man.
The main problem I have with this piece is that the woman depicted in the last couple of paragraphs doesn't match the personality I picked up earlier in the story. Perhaps I misinterpreted something.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'man with stubble on his chin came near(approached) me.'; and, ' He ran past (by-delete) me and out the door.'.
This is a very good mystery where you done a nice job of bringing the two main characters to life for the reader. You made it very how vulnerable citizens of a "trusting culture" make themselves wishing to take advantage of their openness.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I got up early and took(began) walking for an hour'; ' aunt(Aunt) Rose’s legacy and now my own.'; 'improve its already run(-)down image.'; 'two glasses and poured (down-delete) some red wine.'; 'I yelled as I run(ran) towards him.'; '(I) got to the drawing room '; 'Lying on the couch at(in) the drawing room inside(of) Hay Castle, '; 'said he’ll(he'd) be in touch and left. '; 'a feeling of dejá vu took over(overtook) me,'; and, 'requested that he checked(check) the phone records at your store, '.
This is a delightful piece where you have very nicely depicted this adorable relative.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'My great grandmother(,) Claudette(,) was well into her nineties '; 'Normally(,) loss of one(')s faculties '; 'she and my great(-)grandfather '; 'My great(-)grandmother had special nicknames '; 'wink at you and ask, “would(Would) you like a wish?” '; 'or the molasses(-)flavored treat.'; 'Claudetter(Claudette) had been forced into servitude caring for my great(-)grandfather'; ' "and what are wee 'aving(,) Princess?" '; and, ' A devoted catholic(Catholic), '.
This piece hasd the potential to be a very good story. It does however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit paying particular attention to word choice and verb tense. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first paragraph: 'Bachelors Grove has been said(,-delete) to be one of the most haunted Cemeteries in the country--much less(if not) the world. '; 'has had the miss fortune(misfortune) of decrepancy(?) for over 40 years. Started (out-delete) in the early 1800's, '; 'pay respects to their silent sleeping (passed on-delete) friends and family. . . . This was an avid(popular) place for teenagers to go to make out.'; 'Graves where(were) robbed, séances conducted; tombstones where(were) moved, ';
This is a good first chapter that does a nice job of setting up the situation and introducing the main characters. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph. Also the actual spoken words should be followed by (,") prior to the dialog tag.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first third of the chapter: 'You finally did it didn’t you(,) Beulah,'; ' “Recognize the handwriting(,) Constance?” '; '.“Guess the cat(')s out of the bag '; 'Please listen for him(,)” Astara replied.'; 'don’t you(,) Beulah(,)” Constance joked.'; and, 'they got to see it's(its) contents.'.
This is a very moving piece that I found very inspirational.
I loved the phrase, 'I discovered I had bootstraps, and I used ‘em.'. It says so much about picking oneself up by personal effort, recovering and coming back to a wiser version of the former self. terrific!
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'ever rising from the ashes of(that?) once was.'; and, 'Perhaps it was damaged brain cells, star shaped(-)scar tissues'.
Since I am not a poet, I feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a very interesting piece that is, overall, well written. However, it does seem as if the backstory is just beginning when it ends. Do you plan to continue this?
I can't help but wonder, who is Gabe? What does the age of sixteen have to do with her current problems with tension? Suggest trying to "flesh this out" somewhat.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' need of release(¾-delete) without the complications of close or contrived relationships. She filled out the clipboard-form(clipboarded form?) and found a seat '; ' "I've had a week(.)(¾-delete)" '; and, 'He smiled at the back of her¾ (her back) remembering(Is something missing here?).'.
This is a very nice tribute to a person who is undoubtably a great friend.
This piece would be more story-like if you were to include some actual scenes of her activities. Take your readers on her visits to cancer patients, show her working at the bakery and her interactions with customers and/or other workers, etc. Believe this would bring your story more to life.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Well, that one(')s easy...'; 'they will not say(,) (that-delete) "that girl with cancer", they will say(,) "that girl who '; 'my friend(,) Emily Tucker(,) and from the first day '; 'it(')s not that we avoid it,'; 'no time to wast (waste)on being sad, '; and, 'If you need her(,) she is going '.
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