This is an interesting piece in a really different "voice".
Some of the language doesn't really sound like a four-year-old child although some of it is right on. The first paragraph, particularly, sound too "grown up". You might want to check that out.
Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.
'One time she forgot me at a friend(')s house.'; and, 'my favorite Primary song is(,) “I’m Going to See the Temple”.'.
This is a cute story that has a good storyline. It does, however, need a lot of additional work.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Numbers from one through ten should be spelled out.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit watching for the sort of errors as listed. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first paragraph: 'do i(I) have a peice(piece) of paper '; 'I don(')t know what it is about him,'; 'Maybe it(')s becuase(because) he is the basketball all-star,'; Can(')t you see im(I'm) not one of those girls? '; and, 'maybe three times since fourth grade (to now-delete), and were in 8th(eighth) grade. I(')m just not cool enough '.
This is an interesting story, expecially for me since I'm very interested in the Civil War era also.
I do believe, however, that some additional research may be needed. For example, "cobblestone" walkways are mentioned. I don't believe those would have existed in the South although I THINK some of the northern cities used cobblestone paving. Many of the bigger southern cities had a few of their main streets paved with brick in the 1800s, but most roads and pathways would have been dirt roadways or pathways.
If Lorena's mother was mistress of a plantation, I don't believe she would have been picking her own cotton. There would have been slaves to do that sort of work, as well as the housework. After all, that lifestyle was what the Civil War was all about.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'be the never(-)ending Civil War.'; 'her heavily Southern(-)accented voice.'; 'door just in case (if-delete) anyone was looking for her,'; ' “Just a minute!” Lorena shouted (as a knock sounded) at the door.'; and, ' “Look it, it(')s Johnny Reb!” '.
This is a terrifically fun story that I thoroughly enjoyed. It is funny, yet realistic at the same time.
You did a great job is using those prompts - not an easy batch, in my opinion.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “No(,) Ray, not even if it was naked '; 'one or two well(-)placed remarks.'; 'as Laura’s eyes bore down on him(bored into him?), '; ' “Off(Of) course not!” he answered,'; and, ' “Okay(,) Superman, you win.'.
Wow! What an unexpected ending! This is a very interesting "manhunt"; however, I did think she would get her man.
The main problem I have with this piece is that the woman depicted in the last couple of paragraphs doesn't match the personality I picked up earlier in the story. Perhaps I misinterpreted something.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'man with stubble on his chin came near(approached) me.'; and, ' He ran past (by-delete) me and out the door.'.
This is a very good mystery where you done a nice job of bringing the two main characters to life for the reader. You made it very how vulnerable citizens of a "trusting culture" make themselves wishing to take advantage of their openness.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I got up early and took(began) walking for an hour'; ' aunt(Aunt) Rose’s legacy and now my own.'; 'improve its already run(-)down image.'; 'two glasses and poured (down-delete) some red wine.'; 'I yelled as I run(ran) towards him.'; '(I) got to the drawing room '; 'Lying on the couch at(in) the drawing room inside(of) Hay Castle, '; 'said he’ll(he'd) be in touch and left. '; 'a feeling of dejá vu took over(overtook) me,'; and, 'requested that he checked(check) the phone records at your store, '.
This is a delightful piece where you have very nicely depicted this adorable relative.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'My great grandmother(,) Claudette(,) was well into her nineties '; 'Normally(,) loss of one(')s faculties '; 'she and my great(-)grandfather '; 'My great(-)grandmother had special nicknames '; 'wink at you and ask, “would(Would) you like a wish?” '; 'or the molasses(-)flavored treat.'; 'Claudetter(Claudette) had been forced into servitude caring for my great(-)grandfather'; ' "and what are wee 'aving(,) Princess?" '; and, ' A devoted catholic(Catholic), '.
This is a good first chapter that does a nice job of setting up the situation and introducing the main characters. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph. Also the actual spoken words should be followed by (,") prior to the dialog tag.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first third of the chapter: 'You finally did it didn’t you(,) Beulah,'; ' “Recognize the handwriting(,) Constance?” '; '.“Guess the cat(')s out of the bag '; 'Please listen for him(,)” Astara replied.'; 'don’t you(,) Beulah(,)” Constance joked.'; and, 'they got to see it's(its) contents.'.
This is a very moving piece that I found very inspirational.
I loved the phrase, 'I discovered I had bootstraps, and I used ‘em.'. It says so much about picking oneself up by personal effort, recovering and coming back to a wiser version of the former self. terrific!
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'ever rising from the ashes of(that?) once was.'; and, 'Perhaps it was damaged brain cells, star shaped(-)scar tissues'.
Since I am not a poet, I feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a very interesting piece that is, overall, well written. However, it does seem as if the backstory is just beginning when it ends. Do you plan to continue this?
I can't help but wonder, who is Gabe? What does the age of sixteen have to do with her current problems with tension? Suggest trying to "flesh this out" somewhat.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' need of release(¾-delete) without the complications of close or contrived relationships. She filled out the clipboard-form(clipboarded form?) and found a seat '; ' "I've had a week(.)(¾-delete)" '; and, 'He smiled at the back of her¾ (her back) remembering(Is something missing here?).'.
This is a very nice tribute to a person who is undoubtably a great friend.
This piece would be more story-like if you were to include some actual scenes of her activities. Take your readers on her visits to cancer patients, show her working at the bakery and her interactions with customers and/or other workers, etc. Believe this would bring your story more to life.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Well, that one(')s easy...'; 'they will not say(,) (that-delete) "that girl with cancer", they will say(,) "that girl who '; 'my friend(,) Emily Tucker(,) and from the first day '; 'it(')s not that we avoid it,'; 'no time to wast (waste)on being sad, '; and, 'If you need her(,) she is going '.
This is a nice piece, but it did leave me with a lot of questions. What has happened to the father? The mother is still there, but the references to "her husband" indicate he isn't the narrator's father. Who does the baby belong to?
An approximate age of the narrator would probably help. Is he/she (My feeling is that she's female.) still living in her parents' home?
Suggest providing the reader with some more background to better acquaint us with the protagonist.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' I smile, unable to do nothing but(anything else). '; 'Uncles arguing with each other on(about) cars, '; 'a door, and 1(one) window. '; and, ' I grumble(Right word?) out of bed '.
This is an interesting first chapter where you succeed in gaining reader interest in your main characters and what has happened, and will happen, in their lives. It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first third: 'walk down the perimeter(,) looking at each tombstone '; 'the order by(in) which they appear '; 'It is barely visible from(through) the mist.'; 'nothing more than just a whisper in(on) people’s lips, '; 'just a high(-)school freshmen in love with another coquettish high(-)school freshmen by the name '; 'Mrs. Thompson’s second(-)grade classroom.'; 'new world in which she now found herself (in-delete, redundant),'; 'over to me and said.(,) “Now you be good to Miranda, '; and, 'Many (a-delete) people had claimed '.
I can totally empathize with your desire to read and write in a language not your native one. You have pled your case very well.
I hope that the following editorial suggestions will assist by giving you some tips on writing in English: 'Madagascar is one of these(those) contries called french(French)-speaking.'; 'ordinary people speaks(speak) local language.'; 'I do speak french(French) very well . . . write in english(English). . . . years ago to an english programs(English program).'; 'speak or write in english(English), '; 'listen to english(English) report on TV . . . knew theses(these) words.'; and, "I learnt(learned) that some websites . . . want to write and practise english(English).'.
This is a well-plotted beginning to this story. It does however, need considerable additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first three paragraphs: 'I pulled my blanket off (of me-delete, unnecessary) and scrambled '; 'which I saw in(from) the corner of my eye'; 'I turned to sight(look into) the dark area.'; 'but of course, much less brighter(bright).'; 'hoping the creeking(creaking) wouldn't wake'; 'dense bushes at the wall(edge) of the woods. '; 'Or maybe was it(it was) the same glow '; 'The glow was now two seperate(separate) lights'; 'giant wolf standing on it's(its) hind legs. Bearing(Baring) it's(its) teeth at me. '; 'It's(Its) snarling sounding hungry.'; and, 'opened it's(its) jaws to bite me and then...'.
This is a very good little story of helping a friend in need. You have done a very nice job of showing Sarah's feelings toward her friend and gaining others' support.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “David,” She(she) whispered, '; 'You’re(Your) dad is gone forever '; 'noise in the ever(-)silent home of her fifteen(-)year(-)old friend, David.'; ' “Hello(,) Mrs. Gadson, '; 'obvious in the ever(-)darkening winter weather,'; 'the written word,(.) “He’s…He’s been drinking,” '; 'repercussions as serious as this,(.)” a(A) few tears dripped down '; and, 'Mrs. Gadson had finished(,) Sarah broke down '.
This is an interesting piece of a relationship and its loss.
When you wrap this up, the contents of the note and the cause of the hospitalization should be clarified.
Suggest you do some research on the correct medical terminology for the equipment and procedures.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'he(He) expressed(spoke) with such emotion . . . devoted to me as I (was) to him.'; 'The beeping of the respirator(heart monitor) was a quiet reminder that his heart was still beating.'; 'His face softened and (he) gazed into my eyes '; ' “Nonono, please no,” ' ("No! No! No! Please, no,); 'began to perform CPR(This isn't CPR, another term.) on Connor’s body with the paddles'; and, ' “Why,(?)” I kept asking myself.'.
This is a very different piece where the VP person seems to be a real troublemaker - or maybe it is a trouble seeker. This does need a lot of work, especially with word usage, grammar and punctuation.
The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized. A period at the end of a sentence should be followed by a double-space.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'questions were no i(I) don(')t know the answer neither do you(don(')t do that).Also when i(I) was asked a question like(,) (")Why are you playing with rulers(?) (but-delete) they always expect me '; 'One day(,) it was wednesday(Wednesday.) i(I) felt like happy slapping the teacher, then backhand(backhanding) the head(master)(headmaster).'; and, 'School is like prison (where)your(you're) trapped in a cell '.
This is an interesting piece, but I feel that I don't understand the symbolism you're using here.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider:
'So I treck(trec) not across the line
Semetric(Right word?) feeling seel(seal) my lips
Till('Til) death befalls on me and mine'.
Since I am not a poet, I don't feel qualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a good story in which the ending was not what I expected from the title; in fact, ir was the opposite. You have done a good job of depicting Vicky, showing his depression and resentment. An excellent turn-around for him to make in the end. This does, however, need additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first third to half: ' “Trrrrrrrrrr(!)” Deafening sounds of the alarm clock echoed (off) the walls of the bedroom,'; ' whisky he had yesterday(last) night, . . . He couldn’t believe that the weekend has(had) actually ended. '; ' “God! I have to go to the office(.)” '; 'dragged himself to the rest room(bathroom).'; 'Little latter(A little later) he stood before the mirror '; 'changed, If(if) I had married that day(.)” he(He) felt nagging pain deep inside . . . leaving for the office and that too(or) so early in the morning.'; and, 'I would have stopped (the) marriage(.)” He wondered why (did-delete) she took(made) the decision '.
I found this to be a very strange piece. Losing a family member is a sad occasion, yet I could understand the brother's joking around as an attempt to lighten the tension. My overall feeling, though, was that the burial was a "chore" required by some previous promise; as if there were no real attachment or caring for the person herself. Don't know if this is what you intended.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'He opened up the lid and seen(saw) her necklace,'; ' "yes(Yes), this is the right one." '; and, 'for a 120(-)mile ride.'.
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