I found this piece to be rather confusing. It doesn't seem that writing should cause this much physical stress - the knees? I felt there was some sort of a physical race/challenge in progress.
If this was a bet with the "him" that she could finish first it would make sense. Or even if it were a challenge she set for herself. If that's the case, it should be made more clear.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'No, don(')t look, she admonished herself.'.
This is a very good story. You've done a good job of showing Phil Jensen's helplessness in the face of the potential damage the lies could cause.
I did think that the pizza scene with the FBI men was a bit of a disruption in the flow of the piece overall.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'there would be no out(-)of(-)pocket expenses.'; 'lies and liars by fighting fire against(with) fire.'; ' (")Sir,(") said Doctor Lawless, (")making statements as these, . . . before you spout off again.(") (New paragraph.) On entering the doctor’s office,'; 'A private investigator(,) working for an insurance company(,) named Eugene Vibes, '; 'asked detective(Detective) Vibes. '; 'sue you for deceiving doctor(Doctor) Lawless,'; ' (")I never pretended . . . from this ruthless person.(")'; 'for patients (such) as Phil Jensen '; and, 'locate other victims as(like) you. '.
This is a very good story. Am I understanding correctly that the italics are the contents of the letter?
If this is the case, I wonder at the validity. Would a son write his parent so graphic a letter or would he try to spare them the worry? I can see this being written after the fact by a buddy or someone else. Or it could be actual scene that the other man remembers as he prepares to write the letter home advising of his fallen buddy.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'rifle gripped (in-delete) tightly in his hands. '.
This is a cute little scenario where your description of the scenic changes are terrific. It seems as if we are talking about a dream/fantasy.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'it was still my yellow plain(-)Jane bedroom. '; and, ' Little green dots(specks), . . . the dots(specks) became specks(dots) and the specks(dots) became blobs and the blobs were… '.
This is a very good story. Regardless of how impossible, the whole thing was totally believable - until the ending. Believe the cat being present was a bit too much of a "sighting".
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I became semi(-)aware of my surroundings,'; 'trying to find the best spot to start its meal (at-delete).'; 'You don't look like some ones(someone's) pet.'; 'watched as she cautiously made her way over to where I was. When she was sure I wasn't in trouble, she made her way over to me(Repetitive, reword.) and laid her head on my lap.'; and, 'any other aircraft around so my flairs(flares) and mirror were useless.'.
This is an excellent scene that seems as if it should be part of a longer story. You mention the aunt saying she's too thin and a husband/boyfriend who has abused her. Would suggest you fill in the backstory as a flashback at the end of this piece. You've already built up reader interest in this portion.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'rolling in it's(its) torrent dance with the moon and earth,'; 'Suddenly, I'm not sat(sitting) on a plane anymore.'; 'His thick brow was(brows were) drawn together in a tight frown '; 'calling me various (different-delete) names '; and, 'body shivering uncontrolably(uncontrollably), . . . gasps for hair(air) to fill my hungry lungs.'.
This piece seems to me to be absolutely overflowing with pain - the pain of knowing the love is dead and, perhaps, the continued prodding to get a reaction.
Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'had more life then(than) me in my entire body'; 'And now I know why I'm bearing(baring) my naked soul for all the world to see'; 'It(')s my proof'; and, 'And now your(you're) dead at 24'.
I believe this piece has the potential of becoming a very powerful message of the pain of remaining in a deteriorating relationship.
However, I found the lack of capitalization - especially of the pronoun "I", the lack of punctuation and the confusion in the use of "your" instead of "you're" to be very distracting.
Hmmmm. This is an interesting piece. The last stanza, however, seems to deny all that has been said before.
Are you referring here to a fear of what might happen - or your reaction to it - if you "let yourself go"?
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'But it happened and is what i(I) feared'; 'People with offers i(I) can't decline'; 'Want to tear of(off?) their shirt'; and, 'On wich(which) everyone relies'.
This is an interesting idea or setup for a story. However, I thought we were going to learn more about Keith Fox. Some story from his life in the beautiful home. Perhaps how he ended up there alone, which is the impression I got.
Did he built the house for his blushing bride? Did he inherit it? What was his day-to-day life like taking care of the house and crops? Did he have help? Did he have problems hanging onto his house?
Do you see what I mean?
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'There was no air condition(conditioning), '; 'This gallant(Right word?) southern home '; 'as if he was(were) an officer on patrol.'; and, 'or Santa clause(Claus) cheer '.
This is a beautiful story where one cannot help but wonder what "inner drive" insisted that Trevor approach the man sitting on the ledge.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'misery emerging from his pupil(pupils) and spreading through his eyes, '; 'quickly seemed very interested with(in) the ground.'; ' “Oh, Sorry(sorry).” '; 'It was a watercolor, (but kept-delete) (with) perfect shading and detail.'; and, 'my unauthorized neighbor and new(-)found friend again, . . . but a new(-)found happiness and joy.'.
This is a good story. It is a bit strange that The Ice Queen only show an ounce of compassion a moment before her end. I couldn't keep myself from wondering why she was so adamant about not showing any feelings for anyone or about anything. It had to be something in her past where she had revealed her emotions and got "shot down" if you will.
You might improve the story with an epilogue revealing her motivations and what lay behind them.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'on the third floor of a four(-)story apartment building.'; 'started falling behind (on-delete, unnecessary) the other students.'; and, 'getting her to care even the least bit (possible-delete, unnecessary).'.
This is a good story of a very sad situation that occurs too many times. You have done a good job of getting your narrator's thoughts and feelings across to the reader. I can actually feel her sadness, pain and longing for a life so different from what she was dealt.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Hello(,) Emma.” '; 'she said. (")I hear you’ve caused him'; 'pointedly at my wrists. My (?breath?) caught as I followed her gaze. '; and, 'I walked passe(past) him to the window '.
This is a gripping story that is a bit horrifying as well. You've done an excellent job of bringing the reader into Ciara's thoughts and feelings and having them share in her fear.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'He knew what(that) I tried to tell Libby earlier '; ' “Good luck, Sweet Heart(Sweetheart).” '; ' His sandy(-)blond hair was rumpled '; and, 'Some Sunshine(sunshine) will do you good,” '.
This is a very interesting story where you've done a good job of putting yourself into the viewpoint of the hawk. Of course, I was rooting for her all the way.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'beyond what the separated(separate} parts were capable. '.
This is a very good story. You've done a good job of showing the lengths that a desperate man will go to in order to achieve what he must. It seems some people really can behave in such a vulgar manner as the Champ.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'you to get a three(-)minute interview with The Champ,'; 'he climbed up onto the canvass(canvas) apron ';
This is a beautiful story where you've done an excellent job of getting across the longing of your narrator for the rekindling of a relationship. The reader could share her feelings.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'his hand on my waist and (with) the other he took my hand (in-delete).'; 'horizontally across the bed so his feet were hanging off the bed(edge).'; and, 'since we had lay(lain) like this.'.
Oh, wow! This certainly is a horrifying story - it's hard to me to imagine.
You have done a good job of personifying your characters; however, I never suspected Johnny's plan until the phone call at the doorway. It was still only a suspicion though.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Hey(,) Johnny boy”, '; ' “Close your mouth(,) John, '; ' “It's Spider Ryders(,) mom(Mom), '; 'Whaddaya say(,) kiddo?” '; 'His mom was stared(staring) at him with tears pouring (out-delete) and he could swear '; 'reached under his bed pulling out (a) brown paper bag. '; ' out the window and closed it(,) leaving a crack for later.'; ' It(')s like another world. '; 'I wonder if Shawn is(was) somewhere in there, '; ' “And what (you-delete) are you dressed up as(,) sweetie?” '; and, ' “I’m ‘possed(s'posed) to be a mushroom'.
This is a beautiful story of meeting and adopting a new pet that tugs on the heartstrings of this reader anyway. This is well written and flows nicely.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'our three(-)year(-)old Min Pin, '; 'It was more difficult then(than) we imagined.'; ' made the forty(-)minute drive. '; 'The women(woman) who had found him (in-delete) had lost her home.'; and, 'His breathe(breath) was sweet on my face'.
This is a very moving story that brought tears to my eyes. You have done a beautiful job of putting the reader into the mind of this happy recruit and showing the memorable scene on the cliff-top.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'a small smile tugging(tugged) at my lips. '; 'My truck instantly began spun(spinning/sliding/skidding) and then '; 'ON YOUR FEET(,) MAGGOT!!" '; ' "THAT'S GOOD(,) SON! '; ' "Don't give up(,) buddy, ' "I can't(,) sir. '; 'and then helping(helped) me to my feet.'; 'a United States Marine, I straightened up(, said Marine nodding-delete).'; and, ' It lead(led) up to a golden gate.'.
This is a very chilling story of my own personal "worst nightmare". You have done a good job of portraying the atmosphere of strict rule in this place where all must abide.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'They give their doubts and misgivings an air or(of) profound sobriety,'; 'even when conversing with one other(another).'; 'times down to a ten(-)second differential.'; 'marking of students(') grammatical structure '; 'building that towered over the remains of plants(plant) life.'; 'As his finger rubbed it's(its) side '; and, 'hits John in the face and reflects(deflects?) to the side.'.
This is a good beginning to this story where your Chapter 2 certainly arouses reader interest in why this most unusual happening. This does, however, need a bit of additional work.
After Mr. Jameson leaves the travel agency, it appears that Suzie responds to a comment that hasn't been made.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first chapter: ' “Thanks(,) honey. '; ' “If I wasn’t already taken maybe I’d consider it.”(New paragraph?) (")If he breaks your heart(,) sweetie pie, you know who to call and I’ll come take you away(,) pretty.” '; 'guess is as good as mine.(,)” Said(said) Suzie(.)'; ' “ Why(?) Why(?) Why.(?)” '; ' “What like using my super powers . . . they might never have a chance to see the world.(?)” '; 'If she hadn’t (of-delete) found him(,) he would had been '; 'the crazy lady in apt(Apartment) 3F.'; 'Lyla and gumbo(Gumbo) went for a walk'; 'Lyla won five round(rounds/hands) of poker '; and, 'proved to Suzie she had made a wise choose(choice).'.
This is a very interesting tale of a horrific discovery - especially for a child.
I do believe this story would benefit from a tightening up of the narrative to enhance the pace and improve the flow.
A couple of specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'my father found a small, two(-)foot garden snake in our front yard.'; and, 'followed by a hands(-)off approach '.
This is an interesting piece where you've done a very good job of describing the place and its surroundings. It does, however, need some work.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
The seemingly total lack of capitalization here - particularly the beginning words of sentences and the pronoun "I" - is very disconcerting and detracts from the piece overall.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' burried(buried) in the mud of the front yard.'.
This is an excellent bi-viewpoint account of a most tragic occurrence. You have done a terrific job of portrayiing the feelings and thoughts of both sides.
This is very well written and flows smoothly.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
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