This is a beautiful and moving story where you've done a good job of putting the reader into your narrator's mind and heart, making them feel what he felt.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'like a dirty clothes line(clothesline) waving in the yard';
Whoa! What a story and what a solution to the puzzle!
You have done a good job of describing all of the possibilities and their implications. The ending, however, seems to defy logic - if it was 300 feet to the top, then how was the deed accomplished?
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' it would need (to be) untied,'.
This is an interesting piece where you have done a good job of describing the setting of the beach and the sea.
The story itself seems somehow incomplete. Your narrator is obviously away from home and seems rather alone. The experiments of the lab are touched upon but how they disturb him is not made clear.
Some of the sentences are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'wind carried the sounds of sea birds(seabird's) cries '; 'as for the ethics, well I weren’t(wasn't) so sure.'; 'On (the-delete, unnecessary) hot summer day’s(days) people '; 'sharks were behind about 6ft(six feet) of glass.'; 'it sunk around me (so-delete, unnecessary) to fir(fit) my body shape'; 'shellfish unable to make there(their) way back'; and, 'happy birthday I said to my self(myself) '.
This seems to be good idea for a story - which is what it seems that you intended. It sounds as if it could be a really thrilling tale.
Even though you may not consider this a story per se, I offer the following suggestions as tips for when you decide to write the entire piece.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first two paragraphs: ' ‘ Ha’ what was the point, we were.(. . . ) What’s an appropriate term? '; 'whistled before exploding near by(nearby.), me(Me) and two other’s(others) had positioned ourselves'; and, ' men could be heard near by(nearby), our third, a veteran(,) sat peaceful(peacefully,) his rifle resting steadily on the side of the sand bags. As for the boy(,) he urgently screamed down(into?) the radio now.'.
This is a good story where you've allowed the reader to see Hope's heartbreak as well as her happiness - and her "hope". It does, however, need a bit of additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first segment: 'A girl(')s best friend; '; 'but studied (of) it would be recognized as irony.'; 'what that turned you into(,) Hope Walden! '; 'pushed them into each other(')s arms.'; 'the wind sweeping them into each other('s) arms, '; 'laughter blown about by the sharing(shearing?) wind;'; ' fun(-)filled introduction,'; and, 'she began a slow, slump(,-delete) forward.'.
This is a really cute little tale of a new relationship. You've done a good job of getting across her doubts as to whether she had made the right decision.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
One specific editorial suggestion you may want to consider: ' a two(-)room lower on the cold east side of the building.'.
This is a beautiful little story where you taken a whole different tack from the "usual" vampire story. You've done a good job of getting his thoughts and feelings across to the reader.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'golden buttons upon the cuff(cuffs). His shirt was is("was" or "is"? Not both.) mostly white, '; 'Her cream(-)colored gown,'; and, 'some mundane, but well(-)paid, job, '.
This is a good story that could be greatly improved by showing the story in scenes rather than telling the reader what happened.
The paragraphs here are very long. Suggest breaking them into shorter ones.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Then one day(,) he decides(decided) (he is going-delete) to join the armed forces.'; 'everyone that would be around her(their) daughter. '; 'and he said(,) "No, I’m not going to watch her '; '"NO(!) NO(!) This can(')t be happening, '; 'Her precious 2(two) year old was walking '; and, 'chasing her dream and raising there(their) baby, '.
This is a very good story where you've done a good job of portraying the viewpoint of the fox. I also felt that there was a "hidden message" in the latter paragraphs.
I would suggest that this piece could be improved by tightening it up somewhat.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' not able(unable?) to track him with my eyes, but perfectly with my ears.'; 'the dirt and leaf(-)covered floor.'; 'His breath heavies(Another word?) with excitement '; 'for the dim(-)witted tracker to catch up.'; 'formed by two rooves(?) of thick tree roots. '; ' yelp once, in one high(-)pitched, tiny scream,'; ' I see it to(too). '; and, ' rips(rip) the bushes apart too swiftly for me to run.'.
This is a very good story portraying the very personal side of an all-too-frequent occurrence. You have done a great job of sharing your narrator's pain with your readers. Well done.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'I was standing on(in) the field, '.
This is an interesting tale. It does, however, need a great deal of clarification and some additional editorial work.
This story is one very long paragraph. Suggest you break it into smaller ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The head of these animals(,) apart from the owner(,) was a (cockerel,) very popular (cockerel-delete) among all animals, named Morris.'; 'He had already gotten so much harsh on all the animals ' (Unclear); 'First she quietly saw her going out of the barn '(?); 'the place where Morris had went(gone) '; 'centre of the barn at (the-delete) midnight. '; and, 'Morris surprised him(them) saying'.
This is a good story with a really different twist. It does, however, need a bit of additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Hello(,) nick(Nick), it’s your grandfather,” '; 'crashed in by a head(-)splitting sound '; 'young woman standing on(at) the far end of the room. '; ' “Oh(,) you poor creature.(,)” She(she) said.'; 'my father won(')t have you.” '; 'You are in fact Nicholas(,) am I right?” '; ' “Any last words(,) Payne?” '; ' “I’m sorry(,) nick(Nick), but you’re not alive. '; 'He(Her) voice was like that of one hundred doves '; and, 'I will never leave you(,) nick(Nick), I know many people in your life have(,) but you can trust me(,) I won(')t leave you.” '.
This is an interesting little poem. This seems to me to be saying that the "big relationship" that the gossipers like to talk about, never really existed - even though no one ever knew. I may be way off base.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
I found this piece to be rather confusing. It doesn't seem that writing should cause this much physical stress - the knees? I felt there was some sort of a physical race/challenge in progress.
If this was a bet with the "him" that she could finish first it would make sense. Or even if it were a challenge she set for herself. If that's the case, it should be made more clear.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'No, don(')t look, she admonished herself.'.
This is a very good story. You've done a good job of showing Phil Jensen's helplessness in the face of the potential damage the lies could cause.
I did think that the pizza scene with the FBI men was a bit of a disruption in the flow of the piece overall.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'there would be no out(-)of(-)pocket expenses.'; 'lies and liars by fighting fire against(with) fire.'; ' (")Sir,(") said Doctor Lawless, (")making statements as these, . . . before you spout off again.(") (New paragraph.) On entering the doctor’s office,'; 'A private investigator(,) working for an insurance company(,) named Eugene Vibes, '; 'asked detective(Detective) Vibes. '; 'sue you for deceiving doctor(Doctor) Lawless,'; ' (")I never pretended . . . from this ruthless person.(")'; 'for patients (such) as Phil Jensen '; and, 'locate other victims as(like) you. '.
This is a very good story. Am I understanding correctly that the italics are the contents of the letter?
If this is the case, I wonder at the validity. Would a son write his parent so graphic a letter or would he try to spare them the worry? I can see this being written after the fact by a buddy or someone else. Or it could be actual scene that the other man remembers as he prepares to write the letter home advising of his fallen buddy.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'rifle gripped (in-delete) tightly in his hands. '.
This is a cute little scenario where your description of the scenic changes are terrific. It seems as if we are talking about a dream/fantasy.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'it was still my yellow plain(-)Jane bedroom. '; and, ' Little green dots(specks), . . . the dots(specks) became specks(dots) and the specks(dots) became blobs and the blobs were… '.
This is a very good story. Regardless of how impossible, the whole thing was totally believable - until the ending. Believe the cat being present was a bit too much of a "sighting".
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I became semi(-)aware of my surroundings,'; 'trying to find the best spot to start its meal (at-delete).'; 'You don't look like some ones(someone's) pet.'; 'watched as she cautiously made her way over to where I was. When she was sure I wasn't in trouble, she made her way over to me(Repetitive, reword.) and laid her head on my lap.'; and, 'any other aircraft around so my flairs(flares) and mirror were useless.'.
This is an excellent scene that seems as if it should be part of a longer story. You mention the aunt saying she's too thin and a husband/boyfriend who has abused her. Would suggest you fill in the backstory as a flashback at the end of this piece. You've already built up reader interest in this portion.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'rolling in it's(its) torrent dance with the moon and earth,'; 'Suddenly, I'm not sat(sitting) on a plane anymore.'; 'His thick brow was(brows were) drawn together in a tight frown '; 'calling me various (different-delete) names '; and, 'body shivering uncontrolably(uncontrollably), . . . gasps for hair(air) to fill my hungry lungs.'.
This piece seems to me to be absolutely overflowing with pain - the pain of knowing the love is dead and, perhaps, the continued prodding to get a reaction.
Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'had more life then(than) me in my entire body'; 'And now I know why I'm bearing(baring) my naked soul for all the world to see'; 'It(')s my proof'; and, 'And now your(you're) dead at 24'.
I believe this piece has the potential of becoming a very powerful message of the pain of remaining in a deteriorating relationship.
However, I found the lack of capitalization - especially of the pronoun "I", the lack of punctuation and the confusion in the use of "your" instead of "you're" to be very distracting.
Hmmmm. This is an interesting piece. The last stanza, however, seems to deny all that has been said before.
Are you referring here to a fear of what might happen - or your reaction to it - if you "let yourself go"?
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'But it happened and is what i(I) feared'; 'People with offers i(I) can't decline'; 'Want to tear of(off?) their shirt'; and, 'On wich(which) everyone relies'.
This is an interesting idea or setup for a story. However, I thought we were going to learn more about Keith Fox. Some story from his life in the beautiful home. Perhaps how he ended up there alone, which is the impression I got.
Did he built the house for his blushing bride? Did he inherit it? What was his day-to-day life like taking care of the house and crops? Did he have help? Did he have problems hanging onto his house?
Do you see what I mean?
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'There was no air condition(conditioning), '; 'This gallant(Right word?) southern home '; 'as if he was(were) an officer on patrol.'; and, 'or Santa clause(Claus) cheer '.
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