This is a really chilling tale where you'e done a great job of putting your reader into Bennet's shoes. Good job.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'His mother had raised him to do things God(')s way, '; 'be it God’s law or the government(')s. '; ' “The Devil(')s work,” his mother had called those things.'; ' “Thank you(,) Bennett, you take care now.'; ' “Calm down(,) sweetie, everything’s okay,” '; ' “Yes(,) honey,” '; ' “Howdy(,) Bennett, how are you? '; and, 'What if it hadn’t been God(')s Plan'.
This is an excellent story with a horrendous twist at the end. This tale gripped my attention right off and carried me through to the shocker of an ending.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them friom regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'But she still had the look of clean porcelain(-)doll innocence. '; '“That’s impossible right now,” He(he) said.'; and, ' “Hello(,) detective,” he said in the weakest voice he could muster. ';
Wow! What a chilling story and with a twist upon a twist. You have done a great job of grabbing your reader and dragging him/her through to the very end - protesting or not.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, title or other noun as an adress to a person, it should be separated from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specfic editorial suggestions were found in the first half of the story: 'Devoid of ideas for the contest, he resorted (to) fretting, '; 'lips the standard three times, she regarded it as a good luck portent(?omen?).'; 'steaming, black, fresh(-)brewed coffee '; 'then whipped out a ready(-)made bow'; 'stepped through the doors into God(')s house,'; 'It was the longest sixty(-)eight seconds of his life,'; 'praising the lord(Lord) at the right moments.'; 'Father Macintyre finished the Lord(')s prayer '; 'what else could they do in God(')s house.'; '“Right then(,) Anita, '; 'to reveal her shapely stocking(-)clad leg. '; 'you think I’m God(')s bitch.'; ' “Look at my cock(,) you cunt of God.” '; and, 'sell your soul to the devil you’re(your) signature has to be in your own blood.'.
I found this to be a very sad poem, of a rejection whose lessons are unlearned. The images of the moth and the flame conjure the repeated, or constant attraction, to a glow that more than likely will be fatal.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very - what else can I call it - "dark" poem. It doesn't paint a very pretty picture of life and seems to encourage death as the only answer.
A couple of editorial suggestions/questions that you may want to consider: 'Putrid undead dine happily to(at) this neverending buffet.'; and, 'Only where evil dwells with(?) are you worth his might.'.
Another good story that puts a whole new slant on things like life, death and an afterlife.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The first was a man I(I'd) never met. He was in his forties,balding and carrying a hand(-)drawn brochure '; ' “ I want to give you a fair price(,) sir,” '; ' watched the tears fall(,) collecting in the grooves, like puddles.'; 'It was my son(,) Michael. '; 'had to be pulled out of the old fool(')s head.'; and, 'puzzle that my nine(-)year(-)old boy '.
This is a very moving story of a young woman's dream, but I found it also a bit confusing.
For a major portion of the tale she seems to be inside the mountain tunnel, yet in the last paragraph she appears to be drowning, but there is no transition to get us there. Is the tunnel a symbol for something else? I took it literally.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'knew that the alarms must had(have) been raised'.
This is an interesting story of a lunch-time surprise. I really didn't realize what I was getting myself into when I started reading.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'even Perry(,) my husband(,) where already sitting down to eat,'; 'had the figure of a 21(-)year(-)old young lady?'; 'front door and (did a) slow grind against her '; ' "Let me return the favor(,) baby," '; and, '30(Thirty) minutes after I had first entered our home(,) I was standing (at-delete) in the door way(doorway) again '.
What a very sweet story. It was so moving that it brought tears to my eyes.
You've done a beautiful job of showing the caring relationship of a long-time couple and how much he still cares for her, no matter what.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'tried to stop her as she ran out the door with a blanket(,) her eyes asking me to follow.'; ' “It’s dead(,) Marie.(,)” I reminded her gently.'; ' “Breakfast(,) Marie.” '; and, 'Forty(-)five years repairing electrical appliances '.
This is a beautiful and moving story where you've done a good job of putting the reader into your narrator's mind and heart, making them feel what he felt.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'like a dirty clothes line(clothesline) waving in the yard';
Whoa! What a story and what a solution to the puzzle!
You have done a good job of describing all of the possibilities and their implications. The ending, however, seems to defy logic - if it was 300 feet to the top, then how was the deed accomplished?
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' it would need (to be) untied,'.
This is an interesting piece where you have done a good job of describing the setting of the beach and the sea.
The story itself seems somehow incomplete. Your narrator is obviously away from home and seems rather alone. The experiments of the lab are touched upon but how they disturb him is not made clear.
Some of the sentences are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'wind carried the sounds of sea birds(seabird's) cries '; 'as for the ethics, well I weren’t(wasn't) so sure.'; 'On (the-delete, unnecessary) hot summer day’s(days) people '; 'sharks were behind about 6ft(six feet) of glass.'; 'it sunk around me (so-delete, unnecessary) to fir(fit) my body shape'; 'shellfish unable to make there(their) way back'; and, 'happy birthday I said to my self(myself) '.
This seems to be good idea for a story - which is what it seems that you intended. It sounds as if it could be a really thrilling tale.
Even though you may not consider this a story per se, I offer the following suggestions as tips for when you decide to write the entire piece.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first two paragraphs: ' ‘ Ha’ what was the point, we were.(. . . ) What’s an appropriate term? '; 'whistled before exploding near by(nearby.), me(Me) and two other’s(others) had positioned ourselves'; and, ' men could be heard near by(nearby), our third, a veteran(,) sat peaceful(peacefully,) his rifle resting steadily on the side of the sand bags. As for the boy(,) he urgently screamed down(into?) the radio now.'.
This is a good story where you've allowed the reader to see Hope's heartbreak as well as her happiness - and her "hope". It does, however, need a bit of additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first segment: 'A girl(')s best friend; '; 'but studied (of) it would be recognized as irony.'; 'what that turned you into(,) Hope Walden! '; 'pushed them into each other(')s arms.'; 'the wind sweeping them into each other('s) arms, '; 'laughter blown about by the sharing(shearing?) wind;'; ' fun(-)filled introduction,'; and, 'she began a slow, slump(,-delete) forward.'.
This is a really cute little tale of a new relationship. You've done a good job of getting across her doubts as to whether she had made the right decision.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
One specific editorial suggestion you may want to consider: ' a two(-)room lower on the cold east side of the building.'.
This is a beautiful little story where you taken a whole different tack from the "usual" vampire story. You've done a good job of getting his thoughts and feelings across to the reader.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'golden buttons upon the cuff(cuffs). His shirt was is("was" or "is"? Not both.) mostly white, '; 'Her cream(-)colored gown,'; and, 'some mundane, but well(-)paid, job, '.
This is a good story that could be greatly improved by showing the story in scenes rather than telling the reader what happened.
The paragraphs here are very long. Suggest breaking them into shorter ones.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Then one day(,) he decides(decided) (he is going-delete) to join the armed forces.'; 'everyone that would be around her(their) daughter. '; 'and he said(,) "No, I’m not going to watch her '; '"NO(!) NO(!) This can(')t be happening, '; 'Her precious 2(two) year old was walking '; and, 'chasing her dream and raising there(their) baby, '.
This is a very good story where you've done a good job of portraying the viewpoint of the fox. I also felt that there was a "hidden message" in the latter paragraphs.
I would suggest that this piece could be improved by tightening it up somewhat.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' not able(unable?) to track him with my eyes, but perfectly with my ears.'; 'the dirt and leaf(-)covered floor.'; 'His breath heavies(Another word?) with excitement '; 'for the dim(-)witted tracker to catch up.'; 'formed by two rooves(?) of thick tree roots. '; ' yelp once, in one high(-)pitched, tiny scream,'; ' I see it to(too). '; and, ' rips(rip) the bushes apart too swiftly for me to run.'.
This is a very good story portraying the very personal side of an all-too-frequent occurrence. You have done a great job of sharing your narrator's pain with your readers. Well done.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'I was standing on(in) the field, '.
This is an interesting tale. It does, however, need a great deal of clarification and some additional editorial work.
This story is one very long paragraph. Suggest you break it into smaller ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The head of these animals(,) apart from the owner(,) was a (cockerel,) very popular (cockerel-delete) among all animals, named Morris.'; 'He had already gotten so much harsh on all the animals ' (Unclear); 'First she quietly saw her going out of the barn '(?); 'the place where Morris had went(gone) '; 'centre of the barn at (the-delete) midnight. '; and, 'Morris surprised him(them) saying'.
This is a good story with a really different twist. It does, however, need a bit of additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Hello(,) nick(Nick), it’s your grandfather,” '; 'crashed in by a head(-)splitting sound '; 'young woman standing on(at) the far end of the room. '; ' “Oh(,) you poor creature.(,)” She(she) said.'; 'my father won(')t have you.” '; 'You are in fact Nicholas(,) am I right?” '; ' “Any last words(,) Payne?” '; ' “I’m sorry(,) nick(Nick), but you’re not alive. '; 'He(Her) voice was like that of one hundred doves '; and, 'I will never leave you(,) nick(Nick), I know many people in your life have(,) but you can trust me(,) I won(')t leave you.” '.
This is an interesting little poem. This seems to me to be saying that the "big relationship" that the gossipers like to talk about, never really existed - even though no one ever knew. I may be way off base.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
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