This is a very moving story that brought tears to my eyes. You've done a great job of portraying the respectful responses of all those not only involved, but those who'd heard the news. Good job.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Go right in(,) Captain, Sergeant,” '; ' “Sorry(,) Sir. I wondered whether '; ' “Yes sir, thank-you(thank you,) sir.” '; ' At four(-)thirty, Stacy realized Mike never returned. '; 'Mike gave her a counts(count) of body bags,'; 'she heard his nasally(nasal?) voice lower.'; 'cherry pickers blasted it with high(-)powered hoses.';and, 'Grief seemed to sucked(suck) oxygen from the hangar. '.
This is an interesting tale set in a totally different kind of "culture". It dfoes, however, need some additional work.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' "Some tea(,) sir?" '; ' "No thankyou(thank you,) Charles.'; 'we'll show 'em who's boss any day, any time of the day.(,)" Replied(replied) Andrew.'; ' atleast(at least) it'll take some of my abuse off you(,)" Laughed(laughed) Andrew.'; 'let(')s keep lookin' 'den shall we?" '; and, ' "Here we go, it(')s all open,'.
This is a very interesting piece where I believe you've made some good points. You're very right in that it is difficult not to take a rejection letter personally - especially the first few you receive. However, it does get "easier".
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a terrific characterization of this feisty elderly lady who is so "bound and determined". Another character that I'd like to know more about, however, I'm assuming you were limited by word count.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'stretched before her like a fog(-)enshrouded blue road'.
In answer to your final question, my response is "definitely, yes". You have created a really delightful character in Angel here and I would like to know more about her history as well as how successful her new venture will be.
In paragraph four the word "geese" seems a bit repetitive. You might want to see if some of them could be eliminated or another word substituted.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'house with the white wrap around(wraparound) porch . . . flannel shirt, shirt tails(shirttails) flapping in the breeze. '; 'and the ready(-)to(-)bloom tulips '; 'Sitting down on one of the wooded(wooden?) rockers '; 'a large 500(-)acre tract '; 'They made a life(-)long commitment to each other.'; ' a life time(lifetime) commitment.'; 'Walking inside the airy entry foyer and (walking-delete, unnecessary) across the wide(-)planked floors to the kitchen,'; 'It was her daughter(,) Kira(,) calling from Spain'; ' “Hi(,) Mom(.) How’s it going?'; 'Angel’s dreams of fairy tale(fairytale) endings'; 'It has a queen(-)sized canopy bed, '; and, 'It is decorated with hand(-)pieced quilts of Canada geese '.
This is a beautiful story contained in these letters of a truly special relationship. You have done an excellent job of bringing both of the characters to life for your reader.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I sure hope you feel better soon(,) sweetie.'; and, 'I wear a pink life jacket when ever(whenever?) I’m in my boat.'.
this is a very descriptive poem that seems to me to paint a really bleak picture of our society - not that it may not be deserved.
When using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Oh God(,) do you hear them Pray?'; 'These turbulent seas have engulfed our lost sheep into their blood(-)filled graves'; 'Such trouble(troubling/troubled?) times, our children have become stricken with the plague to steal, destroy and hate.'; 'Only anger feeds these turbulent seas, a gale so strong comes crashing down like an iron steal(?) gate.'; and, 'Mothers of children are crying for their lost sheep that has(have) gone astray.'.
This is a very good piece that seems to be the moments following an accident from the viewpoint of one of the victims. It does, however, need some additional work.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'but this warm feeling isn(')t fuzzy and it(')s making its way down my leg.'; 'but I just don(')t have the strength anymore.'; 'and it won(')t respond to my wishes.'; 'you would love to go out with me this friday(Friday). I can't wait for friday(Friday). now, its only tuesday(Tuesday) yet.'; 'saying like a joke that it(')s about time.'; 'that(')s wierd, everyone was just kind of looking'; and, 'Can(')t they see that there's nothing wrong with us?!(? - Only one punctuation mark.)'.
This is a very good and informtive article that I think most yet-to-be-published writers would benefit from the information contained. Data from "inside the system" can hardly help but be valuable. Well done.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
I found this piece to be very inspiring in that it encourages writers not to give up regardless of the number of rejections they've gotten - and we've all gotten them.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'after he graduated, sent out one CV(Spell out for clarity) and never looked back.'; 'pouring rain after a two(-)and(-)half(-)hour bus ride'; and, 'I became only to(too) happy to say good-bye to 2003. '.
This is an excellent story. You have done a great job personifying both of your main characters and revealing the psychology that formed Van. Very well done.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' Van kissed her hard on the mouth then (she) opened the driver’s side door.'.
This is a beautiful and moving tribute to a brother. You have picked an excellent example of how he ut his concern for others over his concern for himself and his property. Well done.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'Jimmy was in the lead, with me peddling(pedaling?) to keep up with him.'.
This is an interesting tale of a reversal of roles. You've done a good job depicting the switch and the man's recognition of it.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'When one discovered the other(,) they would bounce up and down,'; 'Hesitantly they (they-delete) began to trod down the gentle slope of taqll(tall) grass'; and, 'enjoying each-other(')s company; romping in high grass and lining(?) bees back to hives '.
In this little poem you have done a beautiful job with the description. The first stanza paints a terrific picture of the night while setting the mood for the strange occurrence that follows.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'On being aked(asked) the reason for her cry,'.
This is an interesting piece that seems to be more of a character sketch than a story per se. Would suggest that you try tightening it up to increase the pace.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
Some of the sentences are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, paying particular attention to punctuation. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first eight paragraphs: 'that I've had with my boss(,) Percival Fairbanks.'; ' twenty(-)eight years old '; 'prestigious formal(-)wear company called Seymor & Hoffman of Jermyn street(Street)'; 'duties would include, staff training, store set(-)ups, store management'; 'only adequate to let(')s say an enmployer.'; 'and am employed to(by?) Mr Fairbanks,'; 'flat in Surrey Quays, south east(southeast) London.'; and, 'twenty(-)five minutes south east(souotheast) of central london(London) stretching . . . when horse(-)driven carts thumped their hooves up and down its by ways(byways) and thoroughfares,'.
This is an interesting little piece that is almost a tribute to such a familiar landmark that it goes unnoticed, if not ignored. It is, overall well written.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'On a busy street in a suburbanite(-)filled area of a major city,'; 'her way to visit her great(-)grandchildren.'; 'A few aspiring budget(-)savvy businessmen in designer suits '; 'Through the fall and spring, elementary school(-)aged children congregate'; and, 'assembled by detail(-)oriented and skilled craftsmen.'.
This is a very interesting story of a strange encounter, although it does need a considerable amount of additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some of the sentences are extremely long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
Where the two men are carrying on a conversation, it is a bit difficult to determine when one man's speech carries over into multiple paragraphs or if the other man has begun talking.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first fourth to third of the story: 'The sound of (a/the) fog horn . . . harbor that(where) young Ethan was (in-delete), '; 'near the captain(')s deck, were barely(only) a few people sat.'; 'Ethan did not seem very fond of it (much-delete).'; 'saw one man, that(who) looked like(to be) in his thirties, an unkempt eard(beard?) was his special feature,'; ' "I've seen better sceneries.(scenery,)" Was(was) Ethan's only reply(.)'; and, 'appreciate it for even a little.(,)" Said(said) the man,(.) Ethan only raised his eyebrow,'.
This is a very intriguing introduction to the book you are apparently working on. It certainly grabs reader interest and makes us want to learn more about the culture of this strange place and the people who inhabit it.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is an interesting introduction to what I'm assuming is a book-length manuscript.
I'm not at all sure, however, that it will accomplish what you want it to do - which is hook your readers and compell them to want to read more and find out what kind of situation your protagonist has gotten into and how he/she is going to deal with it, or escape from it.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very moving poem about the pain of losing someone. You have done a good job of describing the feelings of not being able to go on living without that person. Well done.
The second line, however, seems to defy logic in the direction of the falling.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very good little poem that seems to me to be written for a person who is deaf. It is beautiful how you make the point of a mental/spiritual connection that doesn't require the physical sense.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
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