This is an excellent story. You have done a great job personifying both of your main characters and revealing the psychology that formed Van. Very well done.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' Van kissed her hard on the mouth then (she) opened the driver’s side door.'.
This is a beautiful and moving tribute to a brother. You have picked an excellent example of how he ut his concern for others over his concern for himself and his property. Well done.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'Jimmy was in the lead, with me peddling(pedaling?) to keep up with him.'.
This is an interesting tale of a reversal of roles. You've done a good job depicting the switch and the man's recognition of it.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'When one discovered the other(,) they would bounce up and down,'; 'Hesitantly they (they-delete) began to trod down the gentle slope of taqll(tall) grass'; and, 'enjoying each-other(')s company; romping in high grass and lining(?) bees back to hives '.
This is an interesting piece that seems to be more of a character sketch than a story per se. Would suggest that you try tightening it up to increase the pace.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
Some of the sentences are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit, paying particular attention to punctuation. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first eight paragraphs: 'that I've had with my boss(,) Percival Fairbanks.'; ' twenty(-)eight years old '; 'prestigious formal(-)wear company called Seymor & Hoffman of Jermyn street(Street)'; 'duties would include, staff training, store set(-)ups, store management'; 'only adequate to let(')s say an enmployer.'; 'and am employed to(by?) Mr Fairbanks,'; 'flat in Surrey Quays, south east(southeast) London.'; and, 'twenty(-)five minutes south east(souotheast) of central london(London) stretching . . . when horse(-)driven carts thumped their hooves up and down its by ways(byways) and thoroughfares,'.
This is an interesting little piece that is almost a tribute to such a familiar landmark that it goes unnoticed, if not ignored. It is, overall well written.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'On a busy street in a suburbanite(-)filled area of a major city,'; 'her way to visit her great(-)grandchildren.'; 'A few aspiring budget(-)savvy businessmen in designer suits '; 'Through the fall and spring, elementary school(-)aged children congregate'; and, 'assembled by detail(-)oriented and skilled craftsmen.'.
This is a very interesting story of a strange encounter, although it does need a considerable amount of additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Some of the sentences are extremely long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
Where the two men are carrying on a conversation, it is a bit difficult to determine when one man's speech carries over into multiple paragraphs or if the other man has begun talking.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first fourth to third of the story: 'The sound of (a/the) fog horn . . . harbor that(where) young Ethan was (in-delete), '; 'near the captain(')s deck, were barely(only) a few people sat.'; 'Ethan did not seem very fond of it (much-delete).'; 'saw one man, that(who) looked like(to be) in his thirties, an unkempt eard(beard?) was his special feature,'; ' "I've seen better sceneries.(scenery,)" Was(was) Ethan's only reply(.)'; and, 'appreciate it for even a little.(,)" Said(said) the man,(.) Ethan only raised his eyebrow,'.
This is a very intriguing introduction to the book you are apparently working on. It certainly grabs reader interest and makes us want to learn more about the culture of this strange place and the people who inhabit it.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is an interesting introduction to what I'm assuming is a book-length manuscript.
I'm not at all sure, however, that it will accomplish what you want it to do - which is hook your readers and compell them to want to read more and find out what kind of situation your protagonist has gotten into and how he/she is going to deal with it, or escape from it.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very moving poem about the pain of losing someone. You have done a good job of describing the feelings of not being able to go on living without that person. Well done.
The second line, however, seems to defy logic in the direction of the falling.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very good little poem that seems to me to be written for a person who is deaf. It is beautiful how you make the point of a mental/spiritual connection that doesn't require the physical sense.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a really chilling tale where you'e done a great job of putting your reader into Bennet's shoes. Good job.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'His mother had raised him to do things God(')s way, '; 'be it God’s law or the government(')s. '; ' “The Devil(')s work,” his mother had called those things.'; ' “Thank you(,) Bennett, you take care now.'; ' “Calm down(,) sweetie, everything’s okay,” '; ' “Yes(,) honey,” '; ' “Howdy(,) Bennett, how are you? '; and, 'What if it hadn’t been God(')s Plan'.
This is an excellent story with a horrendous twist at the end. This tale gripped my attention right off and carried me through to the shocker of an ending.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them friom regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'But she still had the look of clean porcelain(-)doll innocence. '; '“That’s impossible right now,” He(he) said.'; and, ' “Hello(,) detective,” he said in the weakest voice he could muster. ';
Wow! What a chilling story and with a twist upon a twist. You have done a great job of grabbing your reader and dragging him/her through to the very end - protesting or not.
Suggest putting thoughts in italics to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, title or other noun as an adress to a person, it should be separated from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specfic editorial suggestions were found in the first half of the story: 'Devoid of ideas for the contest, he resorted (to) fretting, '; 'lips the standard three times, she regarded it as a good luck portent(?omen?).'; 'steaming, black, fresh(-)brewed coffee '; 'then whipped out a ready(-)made bow'; 'stepped through the doors into God(')s house,'; 'It was the longest sixty(-)eight seconds of his life,'; 'praising the lord(Lord) at the right moments.'; 'Father Macintyre finished the Lord(')s prayer '; 'what else could they do in God(')s house.'; '“Right then(,) Anita, '; 'to reveal her shapely stocking(-)clad leg. '; 'you think I’m God(')s bitch.'; ' “Look at my cock(,) you cunt of God.” '; and, 'sell your soul to the devil you’re(your) signature has to be in your own blood.'.
I found this to be a very sad poem, of a rejection whose lessons are unlearned. The images of the moth and the flame conjure the repeated, or constant attraction, to a glow that more than likely will be fatal.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very - what else can I call it - "dark" poem. It doesn't paint a very pretty picture of life and seems to encourage death as the only answer.
A couple of editorial suggestions/questions that you may want to consider: 'Putrid undead dine happily to(at) this neverending buffet.'; and, 'Only where evil dwells with(?) are you worth his might.'.
Another good story that puts a whole new slant on things like life, death and an afterlife.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The first was a man I(I'd) never met. He was in his forties,balding and carrying a hand(-)drawn brochure '; ' “ I want to give you a fair price(,) sir,” '; ' watched the tears fall(,) collecting in the grooves, like puddles.'; 'It was my son(,) Michael. '; 'had to be pulled out of the old fool(')s head.'; and, 'puzzle that my nine(-)year(-)old boy '.
This is a very moving story of a young woman's dream, but I found it also a bit confusing.
For a major portion of the tale she seems to be inside the mountain tunnel, yet in the last paragraph she appears to be drowning, but there is no transition to get us there. Is the tunnel a symbol for something else? I took it literally.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'knew that the alarms must had(have) been raised'.
This is an interesting story of a lunch-time surprise. I really didn't realize what I was getting myself into when I started reading.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'even Perry(,) my husband(,) where already sitting down to eat,'; 'had the figure of a 21(-)year(-)old young lady?'; 'front door and (did a) slow grind against her '; ' "Let me return the favor(,) baby," '; and, '30(Thirty) minutes after I had first entered our home(,) I was standing (at-delete) in the door way(doorway) again '.
What a very sweet story. It was so moving that it brought tears to my eyes.
You've done a beautiful job of showing the caring relationship of a long-time couple and how much he still cares for her, no matter what.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'tried to stop her as she ran out the door with a blanket(,) her eyes asking me to follow.'; ' “It’s dead(,) Marie.(,)” I reminded her gently.'; ' “Breakfast(,) Marie.” '; and, 'Forty(-)five years repairing electrical appliances '.
This is a beautiful and moving story where you've done a good job of putting the reader into your narrator's mind and heart, making them feel what he felt.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'like a dirty clothes line(clothesline) waving in the yard';
Whoa! What a story and what a solution to the puzzle!
You have done a good job of describing all of the possibilities and their implications. The ending, however, seems to defy logic - if it was 300 feet to the top, then how was the deed accomplished?
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' it would need (to be) untied,'.
This is an interesting piece where you have done a good job of describing the setting of the beach and the sea.
The story itself seems somehow incomplete. Your narrator is obviously away from home and seems rather alone. The experiments of the lab are touched upon but how they disturb him is not made clear.
Some of the sentences are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'wind carried the sounds of sea birds(seabird's) cries '; 'as for the ethics, well I weren’t(wasn't) so sure.'; 'On (the-delete, unnecessary) hot summer day’s(days) people '; 'sharks were behind about 6ft(six feet) of glass.'; 'it sunk around me (so-delete, unnecessary) to fir(fit) my body shape'; 'shellfish unable to make there(their) way back'; and, 'happy birthday I said to my self(myself) '.
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