This is a good mystery and is very similar to the Sherlock Holmes tales. It would, however, benefit from some tightening up of the narrative.
Some of the sentences are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first quarter of the story: 'teal-green eyes were fixed morbidly at(on) the table infront(in front) of him, '; 'opened by a rather thin(-)looking man, garbed in a creased black buisness suit, and wore(wearing) a white shirt . . . black mud(-)stained shoes.'; 'much beyond the age of two and fourty(forty/forty-two).'; and, 'who's(whose) story ended nearly two decades ago.'.
This is a delightful little story where you've done a great job creating Astrid and her hope for the world. If only it could be "reality" instead of "fantasy".
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'their no longer in print books in moldy second(-)hand stores.'; 'which she’d written in fine, old(-)style, handwriting.'; ' Are you okay(,) Mom?” '; and, 'and congratulations to you(,) Astrid.” '.
This is a good story that paints a good picture of these lyrics. It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first three chapters: 'barely hear myself think (Something missing here?) there was a voice in the air. '; 'I treid(tried) to ignore it as I approached the ever(-)growing light.'; 'me to reach where ever(wherever) it was I was now heading. If it wasn(')t for the light drawing nearer, '; 'was now infront(in front) of a large, gothic or victorian(Victorian-)style wood door with a large eagle(-)shaped knocker.'; 'in the young woman(')s hand lit,'; ' Though the voices could clearly be herad(heard),'; ' "Welcome to the hotel california(Hotel California)...'; 'the reason i(I) left in the first place.'; 'my tired body, and my heavey(heavy) soul. '; and, ' It was savadge(savage?), '.
This is a very good beginning to this story. I would think that most teens should be able to really relate to your characters. You've done a good job of rounding out their personalities.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The apparent (in-delete) hurt in his voice '; '“I’ve seen in(it) coming for a long time,” '; 'flames casting a warm glow on his heart(-)broken expression.'; 'I couldn’t blame Alex, though. Aiden put her(him?) through a lot.'; 'There was never a short(shortage) of guys competing for Cara’s affection.'; 'When I pulled in to(into) my driveway that afternoon,'; and, 'I watched as he and Max down(downed) the liquid.'.
This is a really intriguing story that grabs reader interest and carries it right along to the end. It does, however, need some additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “What can I do for you(,) Reg? '; 'It’s hardly a new story now a day(nowadays).'; ' “In fact, I do have some other interests(,)” I told him.'; ' “That’s all old news now(,) Reg.'; 'After talking to the Edmondson’s(Edmondsons), I understood why.'; ' “Mr. Rice just passed out(,)” and I ran to the door '; 'I let myself out and waited form(for) the EMT’s(EMTs).'; 'medics did there(their) work '; and, 'salute to Donny. it(It) was very good.'.
This is a really cute story of the familiar comfort brought by one's pets and their routines.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'become the song of my home coming(homecoming) each day. '; and, 'music the sound of the pair(pairs?) of paws make.'.
This is a really imaginative tale of life in some horrific future. You've done a good job of setting up the culture here and populating it with believable characters.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'stuck the toothbrush in his mouth and shrubbed(scrubbed).'; ' "The best proof is our 100(-)million(-)dollar challenge.'; and, 'You carried them (with them-delete) in your hair and in(on?) your clothes.'.
This is a very good and thought-provoking poem - for me anyway. It recalled for me how, at such moments, everything seems to slow down and move in slow motion so that all details are crystal clear in one's mind.
I found no errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar.
This is a fascinating story that seems as if it should be continued as it ends rather abruptly. You did an excellent job of grabbing the reader's attention and carrying it through to the end. Perhaps that's why I wasn't ready for it to end.
In your description, 'Hold infinity in the palm of you(your?) hand and eternity in an hour'.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first section: ' “This has to be my greatest invention yet(,) Kit!” '; 'uncle’s(;) he made it at about your age.'; ' “Yes i(I) am(,) sir(,) but...” '; 'any of McCoy's tests(,) but time travel! '; 'Then he fell through a door way(doorway) '; and, 'the stranger(')s answer as a question. '.
This is a good beginning to this apparent on-going saga. It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'engaged in a battle of not only will(wills) but fighting for their lives.'; 'dodge the punch that hit’s(hits) the mask '; ' just like money is just money(,) Nero.'; 'spit the words out with un-relenting(unrelenting) venom.'; and, 'whisper un-known(unknown) words into his ear'.
I ran across this in your port and couldn't resist the read. You have done a good job of getting your opinions across here.
I sometimes wonder if those persons are somehow ashamed of what they have to say - or is it just a matter of a "spite review" in return for one you did of theirs that was rated lower than they thought it deserved?
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a beautiful story that actually gave me chills at the disappearing roses. Fantastic message!
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I found myself at the cemetary(cemetery), '; 'so once again I headed to the cemetary(cemetery).'; ' "Happy Birthday(,) sweetie, the yellow rose '; and, 'and the full(-)blown roses appear on mine.'.
This is a very moving story that brought tears to my eyes. You've done a great job of portraying the respectful responses of all those not only involved, but those who'd heard the news. Good job.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Go right in(,) Captain, Sergeant,” '; ' “Sorry(,) Sir. I wondered whether '; ' “Yes sir, thank-you(thank you,) sir.” '; ' At four(-)thirty, Stacy realized Mike never returned. '; 'Mike gave her a counts(count) of body bags,'; 'she heard his nasally(nasal?) voice lower.'; 'cherry pickers blasted it with high(-)powered hoses.';and, 'Grief seemed to sucked(suck) oxygen from the hangar. '.
This is an interesting tale set in a totally different kind of "culture". It dfoes, however, need some additional work.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' "Some tea(,) sir?" '; ' "No thankyou(thank you,) Charles.'; 'we'll show 'em who's boss any day, any time of the day.(,)" Replied(replied) Andrew.'; ' atleast(at least) it'll take some of my abuse off you(,)" Laughed(laughed) Andrew.'; 'let(')s keep lookin' 'den shall we?" '; and, ' "Here we go, it(')s all open,'.
This is a very interesting piece where I believe you've made some good points. You're very right in that it is difficult not to take a rejection letter personally - especially the first few you receive. However, it does get "easier".
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a terrific characterization of this feisty elderly lady who is so "bound and determined". Another character that I'd like to know more about, however, I'm assuming you were limited by word count.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'stretched before her like a fog(-)enshrouded blue road'.
In answer to your final question, my response is "definitely, yes". You have created a really delightful character in Angel here and I would like to know more about her history as well as how successful her new venture will be.
In paragraph four the word "geese" seems a bit repetitive. You might want to see if some of them could be eliminated or another word substituted.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'house with the white wrap around(wraparound) porch . . . flannel shirt, shirt tails(shirttails) flapping in the breeze. '; 'and the ready(-)to(-)bloom tulips '; 'Sitting down on one of the wooded(wooden?) rockers '; 'a large 500(-)acre tract '; 'They made a life(-)long commitment to each other.'; ' a life time(lifetime) commitment.'; 'Walking inside the airy entry foyer and (walking-delete, unnecessary) across the wide(-)planked floors to the kitchen,'; 'It was her daughter(,) Kira(,) calling from Spain'; ' “Hi(,) Mom(.) How’s it going?'; 'Angel’s dreams of fairy tale(fairytale) endings'; 'It has a queen(-)sized canopy bed, '; and, 'It is decorated with hand(-)pieced quilts of Canada geese '.
This is a beautiful story contained in these letters of a truly special relationship. You have done an excellent job of bringing both of the characters to life for your reader.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I sure hope you feel better soon(,) sweetie.'; and, 'I wear a pink life jacket when ever(whenever?) I’m in my boat.'.
this is a very descriptive poem that seems to me to paint a really bleak picture of our society - not that it may not be deserved.
When using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Oh God(,) do you hear them Pray?'; 'These turbulent seas have engulfed our lost sheep into their blood(-)filled graves'; 'Such trouble(troubling/troubled?) times, our children have become stricken with the plague to steal, destroy and hate.'; 'Only anger feeds these turbulent seas, a gale so strong comes crashing down like an iron steal(?) gate.'; and, 'Mothers of children are crying for their lost sheep that has(have) gone astray.'.
This is a very good piece that seems to be the moments following an accident from the viewpoint of one of the victims. It does, however, need some additional work.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'but this warm feeling isn(')t fuzzy and it(')s making its way down my leg.'; 'but I just don(')t have the strength anymore.'; 'and it won(')t respond to my wishes.'; 'you would love to go out with me this friday(Friday). I can't wait for friday(Friday). now, its only tuesday(Tuesday) yet.'; 'saying like a joke that it(')s about time.'; 'that(')s wierd, everyone was just kind of looking'; and, 'Can(')t they see that there's nothing wrong with us?!(? - Only one punctuation mark.)'.
This is a very good and informtive article that I think most yet-to-be-published writers would benefit from the information contained. Data from "inside the system" can hardly help but be valuable. Well done.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
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