What a superbly chilling story! You have done a very good job at building the suspense here - until ultimately leading the reader back to near the beginning of this tale. Well done.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I never realized(noticed) the stone statues perched high on one of the buildings ledges.'; 'As I furthered(went further) down the alley things(everything?) got much darker.'; and, 'dark clouds which were half(-)covered and out of site(sight)'.
This is a terrific story where you have brought Mat to life as a very caring individual. This made the ending even more sad.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'He measured them against his own experiences and found nothing of(to) which he could relate.'; 'After the Brothers’ passing(,) Mat could have set in motion '; and, 'it is I your faithful servant(,) Mat. '.
This is a very good beginning to this story. I don't believe it is complete, however, as it doesn't seem to be "wrapped up". You've done a very good job of grabbing reader attention with this part.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some of the paragraphs here seem very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
You may want to watch the verb tenses as they seem to switch back and forth between present and past.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'dead in the trunks of thier(their) burned(-)out cars. '; 'How horrible thier(their) deaths must have been!'; 'I stomped on the gas , proceed(proceeded) to the store, find(found) a parking spot right on the front row, pull(pulled) in and park(parked).'; and, 'inside of the store.(,) Get(get) a cart and sart(start) with my list. '.
This is an intriguing poem that puts forth some very deep questions.
The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.
A few editorial suggestions you may want to consider: 'who am I.(?)'; 'it lingered on like half(-)forgotten words'; and, 'it rolled of(off) my lips as I whispered'.
This is an interesting poem where I struggled to understand the meaning behind it. After a second, or perhaps third, reading, I decided that you were referring to this Thing called Evil. I think it was the use of the pronoun "he" that threw me off track.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a very interesting mixture of fantasy and reality. You've done a good job of showing what is going on in the little girl's imagination until the shocking truth takes over.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is an interesting piece. However, your main character, Julia, didn't come across as very sympathic to this reader.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'She was syked(psyched?) and couldn't get to sleep all night.'; 'episode of Roseanne before she bursted(burst) into excitment.'; ' We'll open them at 9(nine), '; 'had a 15(-)minute party doing exactly that. '; 'just incase(in case) they had to be returned.'; ' "Thanks(,) pop!" '; ' "Oh my gosh, pop(,) you really don't have to give me this." '; ' "No(,) no, I want too. It's your speical(special) day." '; 'her permently(permanently) muted black(-)and(-)white old one'; 'needed no help chaning(changing) TVs '; and, 'Julia swong(swung) her arm'.
This is a cute story of a problem that can be very annoying. The turnaround seems rather rapid though - perhaps a bit too rapid.
Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.
The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: '(but i(I) got that cell phone for Christmas, so that wouldn't suit (sit?)well with my mother *ahem* i(I) mean Santa Claus).'; ' then tell her i(I) got to go but is that enough for her?'; ' why be so nosy(,) huh? '; and, 'There were no friends set(sitting) by her,'.
This is a good mystery and is very similar to the Sherlock Holmes tales. It would, however, benefit from some tightening up of the narrative.
Some of the sentences are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first quarter of the story: 'teal-green eyes were fixed morbidly at(on) the table infront(in front) of him, '; 'opened by a rather thin(-)looking man, garbed in a creased black buisness suit, and wore(wearing) a white shirt . . . black mud(-)stained shoes.'; 'much beyond the age of two and fourty(forty/forty-two).'; and, 'who's(whose) story ended nearly two decades ago.'.
This is a delightful little story where you've done a great job creating Astrid and her hope for the world. If only it could be "reality" instead of "fantasy".
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'their no longer in print books in moldy second(-)hand stores.'; 'which she’d written in fine, old(-)style, handwriting.'; ' Are you okay(,) Mom?” '; and, 'and congratulations to you(,) Astrid.” '.
This is a good story that paints a good picture of these lyrics. It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first three chapters: 'barely hear myself think (Something missing here?) there was a voice in the air. '; 'I treid(tried) to ignore it as I approached the ever(-)growing light.'; 'me to reach where ever(wherever) it was I was now heading. If it wasn(')t for the light drawing nearer, '; 'was now infront(in front) of a large, gothic or victorian(Victorian-)style wood door with a large eagle(-)shaped knocker.'; 'in the young woman(')s hand lit,'; ' Though the voices could clearly be herad(heard),'; ' "Welcome to the hotel california(Hotel California)...'; 'the reason i(I) left in the first place.'; 'my tired body, and my heavey(heavy) soul. '; and, ' It was savadge(savage?), '.
This is a very good beginning to this story. I would think that most teens should be able to really relate to your characters. You've done a good job of rounding out their personalities.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The apparent (in-delete) hurt in his voice '; '“I’ve seen in(it) coming for a long time,” '; 'flames casting a warm glow on his heart(-)broken expression.'; 'I couldn’t blame Alex, though. Aiden put her(him?) through a lot.'; 'There was never a short(shortage) of guys competing for Cara’s affection.'; 'When I pulled in to(into) my driveway that afternoon,'; and, 'I watched as he and Max down(downed) the liquid.'.
This is a really intriguing story that grabs reader interest and carries it right along to the end. It does, however, need some additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “What can I do for you(,) Reg? '; 'It’s hardly a new story now a day(nowadays).'; ' “In fact, I do have some other interests(,)” I told him.'; ' “That’s all old news now(,) Reg.'; 'After talking to the Edmondson’s(Edmondsons), I understood why.'; ' “Mr. Rice just passed out(,)” and I ran to the door '; 'I let myself out and waited form(for) the EMT’s(EMTs).'; 'medics did there(their) work '; and, 'salute to Donny. it(It) was very good.'.
This is a really cute story of the familiar comfort brought by one's pets and their routines.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'become the song of my home coming(homecoming) each day. '; and, 'music the sound of the pair(pairs?) of paws make.'.
This is a really imaginative tale of life in some horrific future. You've done a good job of setting up the culture here and populating it with believable characters.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'stuck the toothbrush in his mouth and shrubbed(scrubbed).'; ' "The best proof is our 100(-)million(-)dollar challenge.'; and, 'You carried them (with them-delete) in your hair and in(on?) your clothes.'.
This is a very good and thought-provoking poem - for me anyway. It recalled for me how, at such moments, everything seems to slow down and move in slow motion so that all details are crystal clear in one's mind.
I found no errors in spelling, punctuation or grammar.
This is a fascinating story that seems as if it should be continued as it ends rather abruptly. You did an excellent job of grabbing the reader's attention and carrying it through to the end. Perhaps that's why I wasn't ready for it to end.
In your description, 'Hold infinity in the palm of you(your?) hand and eternity in an hour'.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first section: ' “This has to be my greatest invention yet(,) Kit!” '; 'uncle’s(;) he made it at about your age.'; ' “Yes i(I) am(,) sir(,) but...” '; 'any of McCoy's tests(,) but time travel! '; 'Then he fell through a door way(doorway) '; and, 'the stranger(')s answer as a question. '.
This is a good beginning to this apparent on-going saga. It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'engaged in a battle of not only will(wills) but fighting for their lives.'; 'dodge the punch that hit’s(hits) the mask '; ' just like money is just money(,) Nero.'; 'spit the words out with un-relenting(unrelenting) venom.'; and, 'whisper un-known(unknown) words into his ear'.
I ran across this in your port and couldn't resist the read. You have done a good job of getting your opinions across here.
I sometimes wonder if those persons are somehow ashamed of what they have to say - or is it just a matter of a "spite review" in return for one you did of theirs that was rated lower than they thought it deserved?
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a beautiful story that actually gave me chills at the disappearing roses. Fantastic message!
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I found myself at the cemetary(cemetery), '; 'so once again I headed to the cemetary(cemetery).'; ' "Happy Birthday(,) sweetie, the yellow rose '; and, 'and the full(-)blown roses appear on mine.'.
This is a very moving story that brought tears to my eyes. You've done a great job of portraying the respectful responses of all those not only involved, but those who'd heard the news. Good job.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' “Go right in(,) Captain, Sergeant,” '; ' “Sorry(,) Sir. I wondered whether '; ' “Yes sir, thank-you(thank you,) sir.” '; ' At four(-)thirty, Stacy realized Mike never returned. '; 'Mike gave her a counts(count) of body bags,'; 'she heard his nasally(nasal?) voice lower.'; 'cherry pickers blasted it with high(-)powered hoses.';and, 'Grief seemed to sucked(suck) oxygen from the hangar. '.
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