This is a beautiful little story of interaction outside your own little group to which many children should be able to relate.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'One summer day(,) Sassy accidentally overheard '; ' "No(,) she doesn't!" agreed Cow Chi Chi.'; and, ' "It's Princess mi-moo(Mi-Moo)!" '.
I found this to be a very intersting poem that I'm not sure I understand.
My overall impression was of a person escaping his/her own personality, if you will, with alcohol, using it as a mask to hide the inadequate feelings of self.
The first part conjured up the vision of a crowded sports bar with drunken fans cheering/booing the players in a major game onscreen.
I may be way off-base here, but these were my feelings.
This is a very interesting poem and a beautiful picture, by the way.
The feelings of apprehension of an eruption at some time in the future come across very clearly in this piece. Knowing the destruction such forces create, I guess we can only keep our fingers and pray, since we can't really escape the "forces of nature" when they decide to strike.
This is a terrific poem that makes a strong support statement for those few willing to stand up against "protestors" for what they believe is right.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'He had to put(get) his point across;'; 'I don't think that(')s what we'; and, 'So be careful where you tred(tread)'.
This is a good story where the outcome is an all-too-often occurrence these days it seems. You do a good job of showing her withdrawal and why she feels that she won't be missed - like with the chair.
I was rather surprised with the references to "friends" since they seem to be more of acquaintances or classmates than friends.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Would suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.
I found this piece to be very confusing, perhaps because it was difficult to understand just what was going on. What is her problem that was causing the pain? Pretty violent reaction to just a sexual drive, regardless of how powerful. What did their "ritual" have to do with even temporary relief? The symbols of the dream/vision seemed to be Freudian, is this what you intended?
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'feeling out the atmosphere with its fork-(forked-)tongue. '.
This is probably the most creative homework excuse I have ever heard. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work, expecially with punctuation.
All spoken dialog should be enclosed in quotation marks.
Don't know if it's intended or not, but you seem to have the sex-names mixed up. A cow is a female and a bull is a male.
A couple of specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Feebie is my beautiful white long(-)haired cat.'; and, 'Are you(,) teacher?'.
This is a terrifically moving story. You have done an excellent job of describing the area and the activities before that fateful moment. The mother's emotions come through loud and clear and make the reader's heart also ache at the irreplaceable loss. Well done.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'The white and orange of his flame(-)adorned swim trunks stand out starkly against his sun(-)kissed skin.'; 'crime(-)riddled streets of Oakland '; and, 'The pink(-)tinged waves lap at his still form, '.
I hope you did well in the contest, this deserves it.
This is a tremendously gripping story that grabbed me by the throat - at least it felt that way - and dragged me through from beginning to end. You have done an excellent job of bringing your characters alive - whether or not they were in the beginning. It was totally believable.
It is very well written and flows smoothly.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'I found a long(-)forgotten cigar box '.
This is a terrific little story of the Legend of the Dogwood. You have done a really good job of describing your childhood and the impression things, including this tale, made on you. I can also picture the walk to the edge of the forest where they seem to love to grow.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' I would sit on the red(-)brick steps'; 'It is an eccentric story of(with) no sound scientific foundation,'; 'an average(-)looking man came stumbling down the middle'; 'pain and anguish of the son(Son) of God. '; 'celebrating the king(King) of the Jews.'; and, 'sit on the red(-)brick porch listening to stories. '.
This is a very exciting introduction to this book. It grabs the reader's interest and carries it along, leaving him/her hungry for the rest of the story.
This is very well written and flows smoothly.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a fascinating story where you have done a tremendous job of describing the island paradise and how it came to be. The People and their culture is also totally believable. Very well done.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'a teaming(teeming) growing coral reef was bursting with life.' (The "teeming" and "bursting with life" seem a bit redundant.); 'there were two Gods(,) one male and one female.'; 'He found themselves(himself) wishing that someone in the village would die.'; 'the man of the people and the two pale(-)faced men.'; 'convinced that the pale(-)faced men spoke the truth.'; and, 'People begged his parents ti(to) let the young boy leave,'.
This is an interesting tale of an atypical geni - a very unusual approach. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some of the sentences are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
In this sentence, 'No one would come to his help unless his search which ought to be a fairly long enough turned out to be futile.', the wording is awkward and the meaning is unclear.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'a time when on any other days(day) of the week '; 'clump of trees among copious undergrowths(undergrowth).'; '“It was(is) not surprising that you don’t believe.'; 'talking to them after he returned from (the/his) office.'; and, 'favourite picnic spot on the tree(-)lined banks of a canal '.
This a beautiful, though also sad, little story. You have clearly shown the reader the numbed memory of the narrator as she searches for the cause of her sadness and dejection.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I keep walking, trying to uncover the exact moment this all started (in the first place-delete, unnecessary).'; and, ' Has he forgotten how I told him about that night in late August where(when?)'.
This is an interesting little story. You're right, I expected a different sort of ending - perhaps, since he spoke Dragon, he could negotiate the release of the princess without it coming to a fight. This ending had a similar impact to the getting run over by a train-type ending.
You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'but Ned could see(hear) the hesitance(hesitancy) in their voices.'; 'really made him mad was the fact that hi s(his) parents'; and, ' “I(')ll show them,” he repeated.'.
This is an interesting tale of what seems to be a horrific society. I assume that this is part one and two with additional parts to come, since we're kind of "left hanging".
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first seven paragraphs: 'fruits of a day’s labour;(,) and beside it, yesterday(')s pay.'; 'had made sure the working class where(were) kept beneath ground,'; 'remained above ground to over see(oversee) the production '; 'wall as a spider(')s web clings to a dark corner.'; 'beneath the window grey(-)coated hunched figures scurried home.'; 'He had no where(nowhere) to go, and no where(nowhere) to be, '; 'He looked up into the ever(-)staring eyes . . . man in a clean(-)cut suit;'; and, 'Once instated he had never moved . . . by the standards of tomorrow.' (I found this sentence rather confusing.).
This is a fascinating story where you've done a great job of showing your reader the elven culture in which these characters live. Your characters are also very well drawn and believable.
I did wonder where the blood came from in the last sentence. Was it the tear?
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Standing at 5”6(5'6"? Or are we talking 5 inches?), '; ' A five(-)year(-)old elf would have no problem tracking this fugitive.'; 'but stone(-)cold dead all the same.'; 'He felt as thought(though) he was dragging his feet through sand,'; 'almond(-)shaped eyes with thick eyelashes,'; 'Their mother had given birth to two half(-)breeds, not one, '; 'Lorn had been taking(taken) away like his sister,'; 'as a half(-)breed she was shunned by elves '; and, ' what they (had) done to his own twin. '.
This is a horrifying, and yet highly emotional, story. You've done a great job of describing how the scientific experiments failed and the resignation with which Laura does what she feels compelled to do. It is also logical in that it is the cancer demanding the additional food.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'and (he) was almost surprised when she agreed.'; 'which was half(-)office and half(-)laboratory.'; 'catered to the higher echelon of corporate travel(travelers). '; 'place where business(-)class frequent flyers '; 'sold high(-)volume toner cartridges for a living.'; 'replaced by the real(-)life horror in her basement.'; and, ' “What does(do) you feel like?” '.
This is a very interesting story in a very different vein and is very well done. You have done a good job of allowing the reader to see Henry's frustration at his mother's reaction to "James Dean".
It does, however, need some additional work.
Some of the paragraphing seems a bit "off". When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'She said(,) “James Dean is dead.” (New paragraph) He said, “Momma, I know.” (New paragraph) It was her private eulogy, '; ' tugged on yesterday(')s shorts and t-shirt '; 'she’d put her self(herself) there today. (New paragraph) “Momma, it’s me(,) Henry.” '; 'he’d make the four(-)way crossroad '; 'feet smacking the hard(-)packed dirt in an off(-)kilter rhythm,'; 'slicked(-)back hair, and a half(-)cocked smile that could only belong to one man.'; 'Henry reached down in side(inside) himself '; 'There followed a sob, soft like his mother(')s,'; '“Whatever you want(,) Henry,'; and, 'Henry was counting on self(-)preservation '.
This is an interesting tale, but the ending doesn't seem to quite "wrap it up". Something seems to be missing, but I can't put my finger on it exactly.
This piece does need some additional work.
You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.
Some paragraphs are indented while others are not.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' "Don't worry(,) baby doll, I'm here and your holding my hand so I can't exactly leave you here(,) can I?" '; 'Danny and Julie on to(onto) the ground.'; 'because of the mud(-)covered t-shirt and jeans'; 'mahogany(-)coloured hair . . . Julie's grassy(grass-)green eyes '; 'she is a fun(-)loving, danger(-)seeking 16 year old '; and, 'stereotypical(,-delete) 16(-)year(-)old male into cars, sex'.
This is a good story that could serve a double purpose as a warning to teens about the stalkers who prowl some websites looking for victims.
I would suggest some research on the legal process - at least in your area. The first news story is normally of the arrest, followed some time later by the charges being filed. Still later - could be weeks or months - the trial and then the sentencing, often in a separate appearance. At least that's how it works in my area.
This is a good story. However, the protagonist isn't very sympathetic as he manipulates others and continually does things that he knows he shouldn't do.
When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'have it has(as) his inscription too.'; and, 'there was a graying, crooked(-)shape(shaped) gentleman siting(sitting) on one of the damp, moss(-)covered stones to the side.'.
This is a totally fascinating story where you have supplied just the right amount of information about the supernatural occurrences. It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'It's a nice 80(-)foot yacht,'; 'must have cost seven or eight milion(million) dollars at least.'; 'Ain't had a reglar(regular/reg'lar) job for a damn long time, and I (')spose I drink too much.'; ' I saw this dive(-)lookin' place'; 'floor could use a cleanin.'"(cleanin'.")'; 'and a Rolex witch(watch) with diamonds all around it.'; 'what looked like a canvass(canvas) bank bag.'; 'no such thing as a Jack 'o tens(Tens).'; anyone came in questionin' the Jack o' tens(Tens),'; 'Qeen(Queen) asked, "So you like tens. '; 'Queenie waived(waved) the back of her hand,'; 'crammed full of hundred(-)dollar bills.'; 'over and over, "Then(The) hand is over and we won." '; and, 'musta been bettin(') on a straight '.
You have painted a very beautiful, and nostalgic, picture here of a family activity that seemed a true miracle how those heavenly treats came from such humble ingredients. Brought back a lot of memories for me anyway.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Around corner peaking(peeking),'; and, 'A scent that takes us (up?) so high.'.
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