This is an interesting little tale up until the very last paragraph, which didn't seem to "fit" with the rest of the story.
Suggest making note of the difference between "its" the possessive form of a thing and "it's" which is the contraction of the words "it is", as this error is very evident in this piece.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: ' While the color of it’s(its) skin '; 'Secondly, It’s(its) slender body is smooth and supple, . . . is in it’s(its) mannerisms.'; and, 'In startled amazement(,) the dragon let out a raucous belch,'.
This is an interesting beginning of this story that seems to be developing into a young love triangle. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
There are some discreptancies here. For example: Ryan asked Benji to call him back, yet no further mention is of a call; and, Benji's dad is driving to the theater, but the mom is driving back, with no explanation.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first four paragraphs: 'described as a active(,) black(-)haired(,) tanned(,) Caucasian kid'; 'He was different then(than) the other kids though, '; 'adopted parents, Melanie and Johnathan Raibell(,) knew nothing '; 'He and his foster(adopted/adoptive) family lived '; 'It had 2(two) floors, a first floor and a second floor, with out(without) a basement.';
This is a very interesting story of a close encounter of a different kind. Your adding the glossary was very helpful.
This story is well written and flows smoothly.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'dabblers in the super-natural(supernatural), her latest fad;'; 'seaside for a nice holiday(,) ma’am.'; 'my spiral(-)bound note-book(notebook), '; ' “Care for some iced lemonade(,) dikra?'; and, 'her colonial(-)style bungalow. '.
This is a story that grabs the reader, pulls him/her in and carries them right along to the end. It does, however, need a bit of additional work.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
A few specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Jerry pulled the tire off (of-delete, unnecessary) the axle.'; ' “Damn it(,) Maureen, you listen to me!” '; ' “You don’t know pain(,) Maureen, '; and, ' “Be careful(,) honey.” '.
This is a fascinating story of a "ghostly" revenge. There seems to be a link missing, however, between Greg and the infamous killer - other than the fact that he was his girlfriend's brother. Did he have something to do with him being turned in or caught? Was he the person who shot him or stole the jacket?
This is, overall, well written and flows nicely.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'his lips crested in to(into) a subtle grin, '; and, 'cut through the dark, rain(-)filled night.'.
This is a good story - up to the ending, which I felt was a bit of a letdown. Unless, of course, you were planning on using this as a lead-in to a longer story which explains who the "they" are and what they are after or what threat they pose.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a really cute story that aptly illustrates the divide between adult and child thinking.
This is well written and flows smoothly.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'you're going to be to(too) busy to play with them." '; and, 'He looks for a friendly face(,) one he knows that he can trust '.
This is a very helpful article which I very much enjoyed. I feel that well-rounded protagonists are something that I need to work on and you've provided here several useful tips. Well done.
This is a very good story of a first-rate scam that involved no lying but simply allowed others to reach their own conclusions. Terrific!
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'business executives entertaining high(-)value clients'; 'shouted, "what(What) is it?" '; ' Go take a peak(peek) out there. '; ' "They're still here(,) sir. '; 'rape of his own six(-)year(-)old daughter. '; ' "Oh yes(,) sir. I mean, we've been saving'; 'appeared as though th(the) tab would exceed $2,000, '; 'you're talking about there(,) Hank, '; and, ' Jenny then asked, "what(What) do I get to be this time Ron?" (New paragraph) Ron smiled. (")You'll find out soon enough. This'll be the best one yet.(")'.
This is a really funny piece of all that go wrong when one is trying a new recipe when already tired. I thoroughly enjoyed your descriptions of the "errors".
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'almost twenty-eight(-)year(-)old woman and have I(I have) made my first cake from scratch.'; 'birthday with my big brother(,) Tim.'; 'pimply seventeen(-)year(-)old clerk '; ' remove my pristine home made(homemade) cake'; and, ' went out side(outside) for a breath of fresh air'.
This is a really cute little story and that is also more than a bit sad.
This is well written and flows nicely.
'A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: with all of our(the) expenses we have(,) Carol doesn’t have enough money'; 'home was $2.08 a gal(gallon) for reg(regular). Good thing I have a old (')81 Ford Ranger '; and, ' “I believe you(,) honey. '.
This little poem does a good job of getting across the feelings of one who has a crush on an "unobtainable" person, and how it occupies their every thought.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
Since I don't write poetry, I feel totally unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a terrific story to which I could totally relate - especially the "cabin fever" part. I did wonder about the shotgun being used for squirrels, because of the mangling factor; my family always used 22 rifles.
At any rate this very well written and flows smoothly.
One editorial suggestion you may want to consider: ' I shed a layer of clothing and suck(sucked) the belly in '.
This is a very good tale of an unusual trip and some strange occurrences. It is well written and flows smoothly.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Now closed to (vehicular?) traffic, '; ' with an old(-)time feel, you half(-)expect to bump '; 'their three(-)dollar shrimp cocktails.'; ' What’s the matter(,) honey, '; ' “You’re not shy, or(are) you?” '; 'he tip toed(tiptoed) to lay his stuff on the rim of the sink '; ' “Well, you comin(') or ain’tcha?” Isaiah asked.'; ' While we waitin('), I’m gonna shine those shoes,'; and, ' “This is Vegas, man(,) and anything is bound to happen here! '.
This is a shivery tale of an introduction that paints a truly horrifying picture of a struggling humanity.
This is well written and flows nicely.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'It wasn’t long after (the-delete) learning of the apocalypse '; and, 'but rather how much longer (for-deleter, unnecessary)?'.
This is a very good opinion piece where you do a very good job of describing the locale and its residents.
This is well written and flows nicely.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'After only a few days(,) Sandra and I began to understand '; 'Families gather to eat an evening meal(,) sitting on folding chairs at the edge of the plaza exchanging pleasant conversation(,) while waiting'; and, 'Receiving a sideward(sideways?) glance but no response,'.
This is a good opinion piece that is, overall, well written and flows nicely.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'the 14 and 15(-)year(-)old McDonald(')s employees'; ' In the last 5(five) years, '; and, 'hear in your head(,) “Ba da ba ba! I’m lovin’ it!” '.
This is a good commuication memo. Good luck on your application.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'signed this document upon hiring(being hired) and will be held accountable '; 'white casino(-)issued shirt.'; 'important to this casino(')s reputation.'; 'Well(-)groomed beards '; and, ' First offence(offense) will result in a verbal warning '.
This is an interesting piece, but I was very confused - especially by the ending. I think you need more detail in order to clarify it.
The flow of the story could also use some smoothing out as it seems rather choppy in places.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' (It made a pleasant change.-delete, repetitive.) It made a pleasant change from the white, cold and crisp weather,'.
This is a good beginning to what seems to be a continuing story. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
You might want to correct the "center" code in this line at the beginning of Part 6, 'a new chance for dawn to begin”{/center]' as everything is centered beyond it.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first sixteen paragraphs: 'A dark era had fallen oven(over) Earth '; 'Guardians who were full(-)time demon hunters. '; 'humans are held captive with in(within) its walls'; 'The(They) hide in the houses praying that today isn’t their day to die to(at) demon hands.'; '“Being a guardian(Guardian) and all(,) you should know '; and, 'He could feel thousands of people’s pain seeping into his consciousness as he screamed out in pain,(Substitute "agony" for one of these "pain"s?)'.
This is an interesting piece, especially the latter two-thirds where you seem to get your rythmn. The first third is pretty convoluted and presents a bunch of facts/happenings that don't seem to have any bearing on the rest of the story.
You might want to cut out the portions of the beginning that illustrate directly the avoidance of responsibility which seems to be the theme of the rest of the piece. Good luck.
You might want to add a line between all of the paragraphs for easier reading.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first third of this piece: 'to ever be over looked(overlooked).'; 'an annoying, unskilled, hormone(-)ridden little pervert like me?'; 'remember much about my child hood(childhood),'; 'It’s funny how shallow(-)rooted that promise was.'; 'I will name my daughter Katie(,) taking for the granite(for granted) that I will someday have one of my own.'; and, 'it doesn’t really matter what I right(write?) down.'.
This is an interesting story that I'm not sure is utterly believable in this day and age. It does need a consideral amount of additional work.
Suggest using a name instead of an initial in order to make your character easier for the reader to relate to.
Some of the sentences are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
There seems to be some confusion between characters in the last paragraph.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first paragraph: ' light caramel(-)colored hot beverage, . . . occurred days ago(,) confused and bitter.'; 'she learned to listen and obey;(.) expressing(Expressing) your opinion didn’t matter(;) in fact(,) it was frowned '; and, 'which was not so far(long) ago as a matter of fact,'.
This is a very moving story of one of the most emotional situations I can imagine. You've done an excellent job of getting across the sense of rejection and the accompanying pain.
This does, however, need a bit of additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half of this story: 'First his mother died (of cancer) when he was eight (of cancer-delete), '; 'now his father (had) not talking(talked) to him or looking(looked) at him in days?'; 'He was more (so-delete, unnecessary) the kid that all the jocks '; ' worthy of his sixteen(-)year(-)old child.'; 'fact of the matter was that it did… it did(does?) exist.'; 'He peaked(peeked) around the corner of the door frame '; 'rest of their lives (living-delete, redundant) in silence and ignorance '; 'he looked upon his eight(-)year(-)old son.'; and, ' “Dad! I did it(,) dad! I did it(,) dad!” '.
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