This is a very good tale of an unusual trip and some strange occurrences. It is well written and flows smoothly.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Now closed to (vehicular?) traffic, '; ' with an old(-)time feel, you half(-)expect to bump '; 'their three(-)dollar shrimp cocktails.'; ' What’s the matter(,) honey, '; ' “You’re not shy, or(are) you?” '; 'he tip toed(tiptoed) to lay his stuff on the rim of the sink '; ' “Well, you comin(') or ain’tcha?” Isaiah asked.'; ' While we waitin('), I’m gonna shine those shoes,'; and, ' “This is Vegas, man(,) and anything is bound to happen here! '.
This is a shivery tale of an introduction that paints a truly horrifying picture of a struggling humanity.
This is well written and flows nicely.
A couple of editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'It wasn’t long after (the-delete) learning of the apocalypse '; and, 'but rather how much longer (for-deleter, unnecessary)?'.
This is a very good opinion piece where you do a very good job of describing the locale and its residents.
This is well written and flows nicely.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'After only a few days(,) Sandra and I began to understand '; 'Families gather to eat an evening meal(,) sitting on folding chairs at the edge of the plaza exchanging pleasant conversation(,) while waiting'; and, 'Receiving a sideward(sideways?) glance but no response,'.
This is a good opinion piece that is, overall, well written and flows nicely.
A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'the 14 and 15(-)year(-)old McDonald(')s employees'; ' In the last 5(five) years, '; and, 'hear in your head(,) “Ba da ba ba! I’m lovin’ it!” '.
This is a good commuication memo. Good luck on your application.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'signed this document upon hiring(being hired) and will be held accountable '; 'white casino(-)issued shirt.'; 'important to this casino(')s reputation.'; 'Well(-)groomed beards '; and, ' First offence(offense) will result in a verbal warning '.
This is an interesting piece, but I was very confused - especially by the ending. I think you need more detail in order to clarify it.
The flow of the story could also use some smoothing out as it seems rather choppy in places.
One specific editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: ' (It made a pleasant change.-delete, repetitive.) It made a pleasant change from the white, cold and crisp weather,'.
This is a good beginning to what seems to be a continuing story. It does, however, need a considerable amount of additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
You might want to correct the "center" code in this line at the beginning of Part 6, 'a new chance for dawn to begin”{/center]' as everything is centered beyond it.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first sixteen paragraphs: 'A dark era had fallen oven(over) Earth '; 'Guardians who were full(-)time demon hunters. '; 'humans are held captive with in(within) its walls'; 'The(They) hide in the houses praying that today isn’t their day to die to(at) demon hands.'; '“Being a guardian(Guardian) and all(,) you should know '; and, 'He could feel thousands of people’s pain seeping into his consciousness as he screamed out in pain,(Substitute "agony" for one of these "pain"s?)'.
This is an interesting piece, especially the latter two-thirds where you seem to get your rythmn. The first third is pretty convoluted and presents a bunch of facts/happenings that don't seem to have any bearing on the rest of the story.
You might want to cut out the portions of the beginning that illustrate directly the avoidance of responsibility which seems to be the theme of the rest of the piece. Good luck.
You might want to add a line between all of the paragraphs for easier reading.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following specific editorial suggestions were found in the first third of this piece: 'to ever be over looked(overlooked).'; 'an annoying, unskilled, hormone(-)ridden little pervert like me?'; 'remember much about my child hood(childhood),'; 'It’s funny how shallow(-)rooted that promise was.'; 'I will name my daughter Katie(,) taking for the granite(for granted) that I will someday have one of my own.'; and, 'it doesn’t really matter what I right(write?) down.'.
This is an interesting story that I'm not sure is utterly believable in this day and age. It does need a consideral amount of additional work.
Suggest using a name instead of an initial in order to make your character easier for the reader to relate to.
Some of the sentences are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
There seems to be some confusion between characters in the last paragraph.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first paragraph: ' light caramel(-)colored hot beverage, . . . occurred days ago(,) confused and bitter.'; 'she learned to listen and obey;(.) expressing(Expressing) your opinion didn’t matter(;) in fact(,) it was frowned '; and, 'which was not so far(long) ago as a matter of fact,'.
This is a very moving story of one of the most emotional situations I can imagine. You've done an excellent job of getting across the sense of rejection and the accompanying pain.
This does, however, need a bit of additional work.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first half of this story: 'First his mother died (of cancer) when he was eight (of cancer-delete), '; 'now his father (had) not talking(talked) to him or looking(looked) at him in days?'; 'He was more (so-delete, unnecessary) the kid that all the jocks '; ' worthy of his sixteen(-)year(-)old child.'; 'fact of the matter was that it did… it did(does?) exist.'; 'He peaked(peeked) around the corner of the door frame '; 'rest of their lives (living-delete, redundant) in silence and ignorance '; 'he looked upon his eight(-)year(-)old son.'; and, ' “Dad! I did it(,) dad! I did it(,) dad!” '.
This poem contains some very good imagery, but I'm not sure I quite understand the meaning/intent behind the lines. It seems as if it is addressing hypocrisy - abhoring it, yet feeling forced to practice it, all to no avail as far as acceptance.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
Since I am not a poet, I don't feel qualified to address any technicalities of the writing itself.
This is a good story where you've set up some interesting characters. It does, however, need quite a bit of additional work.
Some of the paragraphs here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
Verb tenses seem to go back and forth between past and present.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'there was a loud band(bang?). '; 'no life to live (who) were staying close to the border.'; 'escalate to(into) a vicious argument'; 'bring up his situation(. this situation has-delete) (which had) become something '; ' baby is laying on a dirty blanket, screaming its lungs off(?).'; 'The man(')s heart dropped '; 'Had he been pull(put?) into the life he has '; 'lives this life he will haveto(have to) work '; 'most money you cant(can) offer.'; 'Your so(-)called family is gone"; ' "No(,) it isn't." '; 'Johnny working as(at) what he does '; and, ' johnny(Johnny) took the spot of leader '.
This is a beautiful tribute to one obviously very much loved.
A few possible editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Which relieves(Another word here, something that means "cheers"?) me when my days are gray.'; 'Your smile is sweetest(sweeter?) than the finest wine.'; and, 'Which(It) satisfies my whole body with a gratifying heat.'.
Since don't write poetry, I feel unqualified to address any technicalities of the writing.
This is much more of an essay than a short story - which should have a protagonist with a problem, a beginning, a middle and an ending.
Suggest breaking some long paragraphs into shorter ones. For example: 'after you meet them? (New paragraph) You never know where you will run into this person(.) it(It) could be'; 'someone on the playground,(.) (New paragraph) you(You) may become quick friends'.
Some of the sentences are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
This is an excellent setup, or beginning, of a story of a destroyed and/or failing of a family life that was once happy.
This offer many opportunities for expansion. What has caused the happiness to be replaced with dispair? Did the parents split? If the mother was laying the bricks for paving the driveway, is it a one-parent family? If so, what happened to erode the morale so thoroughly.
Hope you will consider continuing on with this piece to give your readers the complete story.
I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.
This is a good little story that is a terrific example of "Fate's irony" sometimes.
This is, overall, well written and flows nicely.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'someone’s name(,) the smell of freshly dug earth'; ' Passers(-)by looked up '; 'Smiley(Smiling) sadly as I reached his grave(,) I knelt '; 'loneliness stabbing at my heart(,) I let a tear roll down '; 'young man kneeling before (me), ring in hand.'; and, ' “Thanks(,)” I gasped then stopped.'.
This is a very good story that reveals a little-heard side of an on-going conflict. It is well written and flows nicely.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'doing this weekend(,) Samih?” '; ' "Hmm, keep trying(,) mate, '; 'declared all(-)out war on Hamas.'; 'I saw pieces (of) the apartment down the road '; 'Normally I would have retreated(retrieved?) it, but not now.'; 'flashed in my mind(')s eye.'; 'covering their blood(-)stained bodies.';
This is a beautiful, well-written piece of the fulfillment of a quest. Well done.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'encapsulated me for the past 3(three) months. '; 'I woke to a gorgeous xmas(Xmas) snowfall.'; 'out of no where that day, I froze in my tracks (that day-delete, repetitive), '; 'But (it-delete) it’s not a forest. '; ' “it’s(It's) perfect(!)” I cried through my tears.'; 'kindof(kind of) like the snap crackle pop'; and, 'and it might (not) be exactly what you want, '.
This is an interesting beginning that does aptly illustrate the effectiveness of an ambush. It does, however, need some additional work.
Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.
Suggest a thorough proofread and edit. The following editorial suggestions were found in the first two-thirds of this story: 'the wide(-)open shrub(scrub?)(-)land deserts were making him sick.'; 'closed his eyes he (heard) the roar of some kind of rocket. Someone screamed(,) "Brace for impact!". '; ' "Colonel, your(you're) going to '; 'people wearing towels on their head(heads)."'; ' jump out the driver(')s side of the cab '; 'dieing(dying) less than a meter from the safety of the tank.'; 'just like (what-delete) my brother always used to say." then(Then he) squatted by the tire'; and, 'Some voice cried out(,) "Air support '.
This is a funny piece where you made some clever use of various "fairytale" characters and movie titles. It does, however, need a bit of additional work on the mechanics of the actual writing.
When writing dialog, a comma should immediately follow the quotation preceding the dialog tag.
When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.
Would also suggest that the paragraphs be broken into shorter ones.
Some specific editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Santa and the 9(nine) reindeer '; 'never saw it coming(,)" says the Tooth Fairy,'; 'a modified elf(-)designed toy gun found at the scene.'; 'murder in this country(.)(". "-delete)There comes a breaking point '; 'runs a well(-)organized crime family.'; and, ' one of the 7(seven) dwarfs now in custody for pimping, '.
This is an interesting tale, but a bit too fantastic to be really believable. Don't think it would be too good for children as it might give them ideas that they, too, are indestructible.
Aside from the story itself, this piece need a considerable amount of additional work on the mechanics of the writing itself.
The first paragraph is written in first person whereas the rest seems to be in third person. Suggest making it all third person.
When writing dialog and using a name, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.
Some of the paragraphs here are extraordinarily long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.
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