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1276
1276
Review of Run Down  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI bigewalksalone! Happy 3rd! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

I found this on your Highlighted Items section and the title and tag made me curious to think getting run down was a true story. *Sad*
The treachery of a friend is hard to bear.

The weaving of your words has potency in tone and atmsophere. The picture is vivid and portrays tragedy. Using the personal I voice gives it immediacy and drew me in.

The free verse is effective for the emotional content and I enjoyed the language, dialect, tone and the description especially in verse 3 is so real.
I really felt the idea in the third line:
"I didn't know it was coming" -the unexpectancy of betrayal is so strong when it happens from a source you would never have guessed at.
I liked the line :" Like a loco out of control" as evocative and revealing.

This expression really portrays your feelings. Well done. *Starstruck* Thanks for sharing your craft.

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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1277
1277
Review of The Quiet  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI Spirit duchess! Happy 5th ! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

This reflection lured me with its unique vision and free flow that feels like mind and muse weaving through ethers. Many of the concepts and images evoke me to ponder as well on the mirror , reality and consciousness and the madness of the mind chatter. I loved reading it.

The reference to Alice is potent and the work had that kind of quirky quality! *Cool*
I liked "some truth must gnaw" and "lured to the eye" and the idea of "crazy diamond". Verse 6 has lovely soundscape.
Verse 5 confused me. "leave what to the imagination"--felt like something was missing. *Confused*

The use of nature images is effective and I could visualize the sun and lake and how a profound vision and reflection would arise.

The last two lines have a potent edge of finality. Wonderful though sad. I thought of a legend in his own mind.!

Thanks for sharing this original and unique vision. I appreciated the evocation to see with your eyes and will ponder on. *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

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1278
1278
Review of Black Spider  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP* HI purpleflame! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

I am with you on the Spider front! Creepy yet creators of magic! But keep them away from me! *Wink* Your title caught my attention with its simplicity and directness. Might as well face the topic right up front! *Laugh*

I enjoyed your encounter with a spider and could so relate, especially to their ability to get away just when you think you have them under control. LOL I don't like heights either so kudos for you getting up on a ladder. I would have used a fly swatter, but so can relate to the kleenex ritual. *Bigsmile*

I had to a laugh when the kids left and then came back to step on it and thanked you! *Laugh* I shuddered with you when it landed on you. The comic relief of the spider man comment was effective too.

The first line set the scene though I felt it could be broken up into shorter pieces. It was long to read.. I also notice some places where commas would help. You will probably catch them on an edit.

It is interesting , don't ya think what you will do for your kids. I would kill a spider if someone else was freaking out worse than me--but I want someone else to do it FOR ME .

Thanks for the trip! *Spider*

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

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1279
1279
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP* HI iluvhorses! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

What a vivid reflection on November's first snow. The idea of making it prophetic is appealing. The vibe of the piece gives me the impression nothing is ready for winter yet. Vivid words like "icy fingers" "flee" and "grasp" create the chilling reality and reaction to the surprise.

I love the idea in the first line--the personification of night stretching its fingers. Beautiful. The enjambment is appealing here too as I think of a winter night stretching longer than summer's and then you surprise with the next line. Brilliant.*Cool*

I enjoyed the sound and flow as I read it aloud and it is effective how you left it hanging---evoking our images of what that might be! *Thumbsup* Simply written with room for readers to imagine.

Thanks for sharing your craft and vision. I am glad it is spring. *Wink*

Happy 4th! Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

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1280
Review of The Necessary Cat  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP* HI Jazzycat! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

*Cat* Purrrr! This poem is a Purrrrrfect tribute to the lure and power of a cat! I had to smile and nod as I have had this experience. *Laugh*

It was absolutely a pleasure to read aloud and flowed smoothly. The rhyming was well done and added to the drama.
Your description of the cat antics and your responses are vivid as you recount the tale in a consistent voice. I like that you are speaking to the cat as if it can understand. Well, it likely does and knows exactly what it is doing.

Your first verse drew me in and I enjoyed the language and word order. My favourite to read for its vibrant description and tone. The comparison to a queen is well borne out through out the poem. Verse 4 is fun telling of your useless resistance. Resistance is futile I'm thinking. *Wink* Well said!

The last line is emphatic just by adding the comma. The word "cat" so plain and firm, still trying to distance self from ownership. It works. The title reflects well the theme.

Thanks for creating this entertaining and "truthful" tale of a necessary cat! *Cat**Starstruck* Well written.

Happy 10th! *Shock* *Salute* Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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1281
1281
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI Princess Megan Rose! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

Wow! I haven't seen this before. What a fantastic and unique idea to highlight and chat about hobbies.*Star*

Your pictures are elegant, colourful and creative and make the page appealing. I wonder if centering them would set the page off in a balanced way.

Your introduction is enthusiastic and inviting! It was interesting to read all about your multitude of talents and hobbies. Wow! You are incredibly versatile. Collecting teacups! cool. My mother used to collect them and had really old ones form her grandmother. Beautiful and delicate they were. *Heart*

I like how you write about your interests and then ask questions of the reader to draw them out and give ideas of things they might share about. Very effective technique for a forum invite. *Thumbsup*

Thanks for giving others the opportunity to share their hobbies and interests and find kindred spirits. Your enthusiasm and joy in craft is potent. *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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1282
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI Gervic. I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

Wow! I just found this amazing, unique image shop. The idea of lovely scripts for pagesets and folders is awesome. I also love the muse images! *Smile* The title tells in all and attracts attention.

The page is colourful and appealing, showing off the styles and possibilities of the scripts you offer. They are very elegant.
I really liked the adopt a muse and the muses are beautiful. I have my eye on one.

The information, prices and how to order is detailed and organized in two sections. The writing was clear without errors. I wondered about leaving a little more white space between your set samples. A little hard to see where one begins and ends even with the set titles. *Wink*

Your gift certificates are vibrant and pretty too. *Thumbsup*

Thanks for sharing your unique vision and providing this service to the WDC! You have flair! *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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1283
1283
Review of Strip Trees  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Balloong* Welcome to WDC Geralyn! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! *Smile*

Wow! I was drawn to the evocative blunt title! I love trees too so I am always happy to see them appreciated in verse. Brilliant connection to strip tease! *Laugh* Way to go!

The weaving of your words is marvelous in its metaphor and vivid imagery. I loved the conception and the comparison of trees to show season changes was a good choice.
.
Word choice was effective to create soundscape and stunning stark tapestry. "gawdy bawds clad" *Thumbsup* Strong acitve verbs like "strut" , "cloaks" and "drapes" make it potent and dramatic.*Thumbsup*

The second line threw me off a bit as you have two nouns together:" trees strumpet". Did you mean "trees like strumpets strut"? *Confused* It just felt grammatically off and I could be wrong. I liked the alliterative quality though.

I so admired the inventive vision here and enjoyed reading your work aloud. Keep on creating!

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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1284
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Balloonp*Welcome to WDC Azalea! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! *Smile*

I was attracted to your cool title on the Read A Newbie Page. *Cat* I love cats.

I really get a sense of the girl you describe in this short piece as you set up the relationship with her mom and her issue with school. I like the image of the slumped shoulders but head high. Good job. She seems to be struggling with being misunderstood and different.

I think this could be the beginning of a story and I wondered where the cat came in. I am so interested in who the crazy cat girl is as you do not mention cats. *Wink* Will cats play a part in her journey?

When I read the story I wanted to put a period at the end of the first bit "Life". for pause and emphasis. Then begin a new sentence with "She said good bye to her mom, who ignored her because"-- a little grammar fix to avoid saying "her mom" twice. *Wink*

Thanks for stepping out and sharing your first writing , Author! Keep on going!

Light on the path as you write on!
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1285
Review of Ocean Fun  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloonp* Welcome to WDC samantha! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! *Smile* *Thumbsup*

Oh wow! This poem was so fun to read and I could so imagine the little girl as the beach and her intense reactions! The word "screeched" was brilliant to create sound and the rhyme was very well planned and added to the flow and drama. The repetition of line portions was effective and emphatic and I had to laugh as I thought of all of her experiences. *Smile*

the flow of the lines when I read aloud was pleasing in a balanced form. It was thrown off a bit in the last two lines--especially the last one as it seems longer. I wonder if just saying :when it was time to say goodbye" would improve it. Of course then we might see the image of her being thrown up or picked up by her mother and might wonder who saw there with her. *Wink*

I could see the mom picking her up high above her or even over her shoulder---a different screech representing a tantrum of not want to go. *Bigsmile* Your lines really evoke the reader to dream of similar images. Very creative with lots of vivid images that appeal to the senses.

I wondered about the repetition of line one in verse 1 into line 2 verse 2. Was it for a purpose.? Also the the word "then" threw me off the rhythm a bit too.

I so enjoyed entering the vision you created so well and was drawn in by the title. In the tag line, did you mean the plural for "girls" or the possessive "girl's fun"? Just a punctuation glitch. It seemed like you were describing one girl's adventure.

Thanks for sharing this light hearted romp with its joyful vibe. *Starstruck* Keep writing.

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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1286
Review of the melt  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloonp* Welcome to WDC softblood! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!*Laugh*

I was drawn to your evocative title on the Read A Newbie page and had to check it out . It made me curious as many ideas came to mind like snow melting, a tuna melt, a melt down...*Smile* I like a title that I can ponder. I read your tag clue later. LOL

The short form reminded me a bit of senryu with its phrasings and shifts. Very enjoyable to read. the first line caught my attention with its vivid image and I the idea of dreaming and open windows had me pondering on the notion of the difference of doing it with windows closed. I feel it meant more freedom. The third line gives us the idea of change in weather. I really felt underlying meanings yet to surface in my brief study of your work. But then I tend to be wierd! *Wink*

The last verse has only two lines and feels like a second poem with its philosophical tone and message. The last line took me out of your poem some how. Are you comparing winter to hatred? MM. maybe a different word would make a better connection

The first verse could easily be made into a fine senryu by changing the last line to 5 syllables to 5-7-5.

This piece has thoughtful ideas and I enjoyed dwelling in your vision. Thanks for sharing your craft and please keep listening to your muse. I enjoy reading between the lines and out into the space of my interp. You left room for reader to jump to her own vision. *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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1287
1287
Review of Holiday Kids  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI afaith! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

Wow! I found out you have interactives and was drawn by this cool title.

The introduction is inviting and gives a good start to the story and the premise of orphans with special powers is intriguing and open ended. Imaginations can be unlimited in their scope here .The parameters are clearly outlined and not too limited.

This first chapter begins with conversation about the children getting ready to start their adventure. The names of the characters are accounted for in a brief natural way. I like the name Cinder. *Smile* The mystery is hinted at by Holly' s hesitation. It was a great place to end to set up the next scene.

I wondered what a "mixture of fear and insecurity" on a face would physically look like so Cinder would recognize it. *Wink*

The choices of topic for the next chaper are interesting. I want to know what happens. LOL

This will be an entertaining and imaginative story in all its facets.*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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1288
1288
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI catonthewall. I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

Wow! This is a truly moving piece of poetry. It has a really sad evocative tone and equally sombre story theme. You have caught the essence of how the writer feels about her mother's situation. I feel the struggle of trying to understand what might be going on in her head.

I was lured in my the sentiment in the first line, which sets us up for an unhappy vibe. Plus I love dancing and singing it would be sad not to do it again. The line also gives us the idea that the author had fun with mom in those times.

The verse with the single line is emphatic and dramatic as well. I hear the echo of the life gone in shadow.*Salute*

The free verse is a good choice for the emotional content and reflective voice. The idea of the" brick red sunset" finding her is original and descriptive. *Thumbsup*

Thanks for sharing this emotional expression! I am sure this theme is relevant for many. *startstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
Captains working too hard


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1289
1289
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI Diane! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

*Laugh* Oh my gosh! This tickled my funny bone as you rewrite the old tale with a twist. You tell the whole adventure with such a straight face , so to speak. You wove the comic element so well making his problem a serious one is a nice contrast. Using drinking also makes total sense to his falling. LOL I had to laugh at the end AGAIN!

The character is vivid and his narrative voice is true throughout. You really showed his opinion toward the king's guard and the ridiculousness of the horses fixing anything. Duh! works.

The descriptions are clear as they show the place and action. Setting it up as a testimonial at a AA meeting was unique and the name change and new job was inventive and made me smile. Priceless. You are so creative. I couldn't imagine how I'd change a nursery rhyme. You make it quite serious. The rating for sure is right on!

Thanks for your creative vision that entertained me enormously.*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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1290
1290
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI serenity. I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

I so enjoyed this vivid expression and could dwell in the reverie of it. It is so meditative in its vision and message. Asking the question at the end is brilliant as it is as starting point for discovery of what significance life and its events have. I think that meaning can shift as we grow as well.

It is relevant in concept as I am always trying to get my mind chatter to just float by without my getting attached to the drama and significance of things--which may not even really matter to me or that distract me from knowing my own truth. *Smile*

Your imagery is wonderful and the atmosphere generated is calm and dreamy.

This poem reflect your handle well. *Wink*

Thanks for this moment of peace and pondering.

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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1291
1291
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Storm! This short little gem popped up in Random Reads so I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!

*Shock* Wow! Talk about short story --only 55 words! I can't imagine what that sort of silver pen looks like!

I like how the reader is the creator of what has gone on between the lines==the background, as you recount this short vivid scene. I can feel the shock and loss from the man and the cold focus of the woman. The vivid active verbs like
"sidestepped" and "stride" serve the drama and picture making well. *Thumbsup*

I was struck by the number of times the word "her" occurs though. *Wink* You might, at least, say "get in the car" but then I guess the emphasis is on Her powerful being in this scenario. *Smile* You used "knowing" twice too. I heard that in short pieces one tries not to use same word. {unless emphatic} Just a query. I don't write many stories.

Thanks for the evocative entertainment. *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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1292
1292
Review of Helping Santa  
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Jim! Your humourous poem came up on Random Reads! What a great surprise! *Smile* It was interesting as we are having a summer heat wave in early spring here and so Santa shows up! LOL

This poem was so fun to read and the reason for Santa's need for help is hilarious and brilliant. One does not think about how Santa would take care of this! *Bigsmile* Leave it to you to think it up.

I absolutely loved the ending and only a poet could respond with such awe. *Thumbsup*
Leaving the revelation of the gift til the end added suspense as our imaginations pondered what the "dream of his life" was. *Laugh* Unexpected ending.

The structure is sound and I had no trouble reading it aloud for the most part. I did want to change "surely" to "sure" in line 2 when I began. the adverb through me off the flow. *Wink*
"he had left" sounded odd to me too for some reason.

The rhyme was effective and the rhythm wasn't exact but did not detract for the entertaining read. Use of colour and punctuation for dialogue and clarity of speaker made it dramatic and easy to get the conversation at a glance. *Thumbsup*

I really enjoyed reading this and it brought a light heart this night. Thanks for sharing your creative and original expressions. Very inspired. *Starstruck*

Keep on musing and write on!
eyestar
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1293
1293
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Welcome to WDC Igalaxy! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!*Smile*

I really liked your simple summary in you tagline. The name Otera is intriguing. Did you mean "story is going to happen" or 'stories are.."in your tag line!

The concept of the one line story is interesting and definitely sci-fi. I got the main idea but the sentence needs some editing.
The word "like" confused me. I didn't know whether you meant : "from a pool, a water-like thing," or "From a pool of water, a liquid robot got out.. and formed like a wheel"

I think a more vivid word like "arose" instead of "got out" would be more powerful. *Wink*

Good start. Now we need some details as to the place where it is happening. Write some more.*Smile*

A few tweaks can gain higher rating too. Thanks for sharing this beginning and first entry. Write on! *Starb*

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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1294
1294
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Fire* Hello farooq. ! Here's one of the reviews from "Invalid Item" . Enjoy!

*Smile* The title of your poem is evocative, flowing and drew my attention as it speaks to me of meditative quality of nature and reflection. It is very effective for the theme and content.

The voice is potent as you describe the movements and process in a vivid way. I could imagine the situations and feel the intensity as I read aloud. I would have liked the verse lines to be single spaced though. You kept my attention through a variety of images, guiding awakening. *Thumbsup*

The first verse captured my attention with its activity and detailed picture of a runner. I like the metaphor or running off the lower vibration.
I followed easily your journey and vision of breaking through to an uplifting reality. Your use of descriptive comparisons is wonderful and I enjoyed the expressive creativity.

I pondered on the idea of "rubble as perfect symmetry". Brilliant. I think "beggars" needs to be "beggar's" to show possession.

YOU really captured the timelessness in the idea that "amid the ..honking" a serenity can be found. so true as one goes deep within and beyond the drama of this world.

"Like from a seed.." felt grammatically awkward. Maybe " Like a tree is sprouted from a seed" or "as a seed sprouts an.." *Confused* I see what you mean, though. Deep concept.

I wondered about the word "triggering" I agree with the concept. Would the noun "trigger" be more potent.? Just pondering as it stood out.

I so enjoy this free flow of consciousness type expression . Reminds me of my ponderings. I would suggest that you look at punctuation to empower your lines so it is easier for others to clearly get your ideas. Not everyone hears the flow without some help. I've been told this too.

eg second last verse--- the first line feels like a complete thought and doesn't really mesh with next one--so maybe a pause or period would help clarify and slow down the flow for pause. The timeless quality is great in our mind but for others to read, it helps. You do use some , so maybe consistency is the key. *Wink* I really felt a period after "bleeds" for emphasis too.

I wondered here too:
"To fill the void my insides crave
A human connection I seek"

are you craving a human connection, or did the line mean a general craving and the human part was an example.
If I read it crave..a human connection--I would leave off "I seek" as redundant. It also adds potency. Depends on how you meant it.
I sometimes see double versions ! LOL gotta love it.

This is an amazing revelation of consciousness and there is a lot to ponder and reflect upon. Thanks for sharing the experience, so often difficult to put into words.*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on into the beyond and above and within and about all that is! *Smile*


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1295
1295
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jim! Thank you for taking the Star Trek Challenge in "Star Trek Poetry CONTEST " ! *Thumbsup*

*Smile*Here are my brief comments on your awesome and original poem in tribute of Mr. Spock and L. Nimoy!

This lively expression was fun to read and quite original! Imagine making it limerick-sih!! I love it. I think it would be hard to stick totally to form here. LOL You were truly inspired! *Smile*

Each verse could stand alone as a limerick and yet there is a thread that binds into one. Having Spock at the start and end gives us the focus. I loved the quote that says it all--for Leonard was a great friend of Kirk"s alter ego as well. Brilliant touch. *Star* It is one most would recognize too.

Weaving in the trek language and original crew and essence of their mission was effective as well. The atmosphere of loss is apparent under the logic and light of limerick-ish style. Spock would like it!

My favourite is the last verse!

Thanks for sharing your amazing vision and tribute! It rocks.

Keep writing where no one has gone before! Good luck in the contest.

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1296
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Smee! Thank you for taking the Star Trek Challenge in "Star Trek Poetry CONTEST " ! *Thumbsup*

Here are my brief comments on your lively original Trek poem in honour of Spock and L. Nimoy! Writing it as an adventure was so appealing and creative. *Thumbsup*

I enjoyed how you wove the sci fi language and incorporated the voice style and language of Spock into a quick paced moment on the bridge.

The poem was fun to read with its rhyme and flow. I had no trouble following the details and nothing threw me out of the flow. I did notice a change of voice--from We at the beginning to They later on and then I at the end. *Wink*

I don't think you need commas after "weakness" and "phasers" as they join with the next lines.

This poem was dramatic and fun to read! Thanks for evoking memories of Trek and Spock!*Starstruck*

Keep writing where no one has gone before! Good luck in the contest.
Review Sig gifted by Cerulean Son


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1297
1297
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Balloonr*
HI lezismore! Welcome to WDC! Wow! This is a gripping read form beginning to end! The dialogue is well scripted and purposeful and reflects strongly the emotions of the characters. The intensity of the situation is so vivid. *Thumbsup*

You lead off with the conflict, which raised my curiosity. Having the two sets of dialogue defined with italics and no italics was effective tool for the clarity of the read. The story unfolds through the dialogue and short descriptions and the personality of the characters is shown as well. Good job.

The language is appropriate and gives us a notion of setting and class of people. The characters were believable. I can imagine the boy trying to stand up to the dad and while I was surprised the mom hit the dad at first I can see why--to distract and protect the boy. One can see that these conflicts were common. It was interesting how she maintained her expectation of the lad not to swear or disobey her. I like how she really loves them and the boys know it, even though she does spank. another hint to the times perhaps.

I notice you need some commas in places and maybe drop the "ly" adverbs, which are not really vivid descriptors. eg "pitifully"-you already have a vivid simile in the puppy image. "reluctantly"--you say he already submitted so keep it simple with "he went under the covers."
Lines like "Goodnight mummy,” he replied without thinking.." could be simplified as it was unweildy to read.. and would a kid sound like this.

The POV seems to be Logan's so have his thoughts sound like his age.

I enjoyed the potency of this portrayal so far as it felt so real. Definitely worth some refinement! A great read. Keep going!

Thanks for sharing your craft! Write on!

eyestar

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1298
1298
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile*HI SandraLynn. I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! I found this wonderful child's poem in the "Writing 4 Kids Contest " .

*Fairyr* This is a brilliantly vivid account of the troublesome raccoon in the chimney! I could so imagine the setting and antics from your detailed description and active voice. I think the theme and story images fit the prompt and the child genre really effectively.

*Fairyr* The poem is well structured with an easy rhyme scheme where you use interesting vocabulary. It was a pleasure to read aloud for its wonderful soundscapes as well. Lines like line 2 in verse 2, line 3 in verse 3 were fun to read.The lines did not seem to have a patterned rhythm but made for a lively and dramatic read.

*Fairyr* Words like "hullabaloo" and "ruckus" are excellent choices. The raccoon scooting out on a rug was a hilarious visual.

*Fairyr* I like the comic edge to the seriousness of the event. *Laugh*

*Fairyr* Repeating the first verse at the end is emphatic--bringing home the message of a raccoon is trouble. You backed up the premise brilliantly. *Salute*

*Starstruck* This poem really entertained me and kept me following along right to the end. I think kids would enjoy it as well. Thanks for sharing your gift!

Good luck in the contest.

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
** Image ID #1815342 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
1299
1299
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Star* HI .eTak! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! I just found this intriguing contest title on the Contest page.

*Fairyr* The original title really suits the dark fantasy genre and its appeal drew me in to check it out. It gives the idea of a darker version of fairy tale. Your intro was interesting and vivid with lovely description to give us a taste for what is expected. Well done. *Thumbsup* Adding the definition of Dark Fantasy is effective and helpful too.

*Fairyr*The page is neatly laid out and appealing. The title banner is creative and I like the lettering and contrasting colours. The fonts are readable and the use of colour purposeful.
The rules are clear and detailed. The prize is generous.
The prompt pictures for this round are fascinating and dark. *Smile*

*Fairyr* I notice a little typo where you say " A list of PAT winners" . It should be PAST. *Wink*

*Starstruck* This is a fabulous and twisted addition to our WDC contest list. Thanks for dreaming up such an original challenge. May it continue to be successful.

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
** Image ID #1815342 Unavailable **
1300
1300
Review by eyestar~*
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloonp* Welcome M. De Carabass to WDC! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! *Smile*

I was drawn to the title on the Read A Newbie Page. I like the name "Lazar".*Thumbsup*

Your summary is brief with enough detail to spark my interest and give the background premise of the story. The use of question in your first paragraph involved me and got me pondering about waking up somewhere else. *Wink*

Vocabulary is active and well chosen and I like the invitational wording of "Follow" and Read along"!
I liked "zapped" too.

I enjoyed reading your summary and look forward to reading more.*Star*

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
** Image ID #1815342 Unavailable **


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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