eyestar~*'s (1starsong) Reviews

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OLDWARRIOR'S POETRY FOLDER

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Storyteller

A renegade singer risks the wrath of the bar owner by playing original music.

The Spider's web

Protagonists Alaina and Ian meet for the first time

The Scarecrow's secret: Chapter One

Jack and Sarah take a walk to her special place on the hill by the Scarecrow.

Hypnosis For All The Senses

The recreation of an old story.

READ A NEWBIE

I Bleed in Ink

Believe this is my best work in years but I'm dying to hear opinions of other writers.

Purple

What color is insanity to you? (Written in 2024)

My Dearest

A love letter from Jesus himself (Written Spring 2025).

one sunny day...

prologue to the novel i'm TRYING to write :O

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Hypnosis For All The Senses

The recreation of an old story.

The Spider's web

Protagonists Alaina and Ian meet for the first time

Emdersons Part 5

Minerva Adjusts to her surroundings

Evolution of Love 2

As the first blog entry got exhausted. My second book

Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/1starsong/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/53

eyestar~*

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1301

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#4072506

Review of Winter's Dream

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Lena . You are receiving Secret Santa review gift of 6 reviews from "Invalid Item"

! Enjoy! Santa's Reviewers are catching up at the shop so please excuse the delay.

Wow! This is a beautiful dreamscape. Your descriptions are vivid and I could imagine myself there. The metaphor is effective and I like the " loud howl of hope"! Cool and lovely sound!

The prophetic positive outcome is an appealing message and keeps with the being connected to nature.

In line 4 "those that see hope" may be "those who see hope".

I wondered who SHE' was---who is fur covered? "Fur, covered in ice.. she travels, or is she covered in fur in snow" I see a wolf in minds' eye as you say the snow melts form her later. or is the dreamer as wolf, but as written the subject is vague. You speak of the forest, then the breeze and then fur It is common in dream writing. I do it too. LOL Something to think about clarifying. OR NOT. If I do not get logical with grammar, I can feel through the mist. And dream language and image is so personal..so no worries.

I so enjoyed this type of writing from the soul world especially with its inspirational tone. Thanks for listening and sharing from the heart. This rocks!

Keep on following your muse and write on!

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#4072502

Review of Caveman

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HI Whiskerface. Congrats! You are receiving a Secret Santa review gift from "Invalid Item"

! It includes 5 Poem reviews! Santa's Helpers are catching up with shop orders so please excuse the delay. Enjoy!

Hi, I so enjoy the japanese forms so I am so happy to read some of your wonderful creations! This title was so unique in theme for a senryu. I was intrigued.

I was captivated by the imagery right off and said WOW at the turning point at the end. Brilliant!! I can see this comparison. The online addict in his lair--or even in other world forgetting surroundings. I can see someone huddled online in the basement in a cool evening, earphones on in own little world.

The form is correct though I would drop the capital letters as see not many are usually used in japanese forms. The title is indicative of the theme for easy find and draws the reader--but I wonder if it gives too much away-directing the reader instead of allowing the reader to realise your metaphor on his own.

I enjoyed reading the verse aloud for its well chosen images and word choice that creates an effective soundscape.

Thanks for sharing your gifted vision in this evocative senryu. It just rocks!

Keep on following your muse and write on!

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#4066863

Review of Soundtrackers - 12 Days of Christmas

for entry "Day Three – Finding the True Meaning of Christmas"

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Hi Ken. I wanted to briefly respond to your entry in "12 Days of "Christmas"" !

This is such a precious poem reflecting on the memories carried by ornaments on trees, the scents and sounds of winter season and indeed even the music one hears now that triggers the back then. Very moving and inspiring.

Well penned verses are are a pleasure to read . I love the sentimental tone and the gifts made by children to put on the tree that are still treasures.

The song chosen for Soundtrackers is perfect, a joy to hear and the pentatonix group is one of my favs.

Thanks for this gift today!

eyestar

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

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1304

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#4065982

Review of Adversity

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

HI kiya! I am back with a final review as part of yourNuclear Packagefrom "Invalid Item"

Digging down into your treasure trove of tales, I unearthed this gem! I enjoy these short evocative forms and really like the added challenge of using alphabet letters to begin each verse. You did it so well.

The theme of forbidden love from afar is potently portrayed and the deep feeling of the poet is vivid. The use of gerunds and the concept words in the first 4 verses were effective and I really felt the power of Verse 4 with "damning". The anger tone gives way to potency as the poet builds the vision of what is desired.

The last verse brings in a cold truth and adds more depth to the reasoning of why the relationship is seeming unattainable and poles apart in the eyes of the world. The last line is potent. Brilliant construct.

Each verse carried its own part of the chain of lunes. I am not sure if there is a set syllable or word count here as I saw not pattern. I did look up lune form and it seems to have 13 syllables in 5/3/5 but maybe Lune 2 is different? Anyway, it doesn't take way from the profound message.

I enjoyed the dramas of this expression which again sheds light on the injustice of discrimination as it applies to relationship. Thanks for sharing your unique crafting! It is aesthetically presented on the page as well.

Keep on being the light and write on!

eyestar

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1305

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#4065912

Review of Field of White

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

HI kiya. I am happy to review this lovely poem as part of your Nuclear Packagefrom "Invalid Item"

This poem is woven as a potent lament and appeal to the divine from a soul in despair. It is filled with the heartfelt prayers and reflections on this soul's feeling about self and the situation. It feels real in it emotional content and takes us from the "brokeness" to the hopeful ending.

The language and imagery is vivid and applicable to the theme and spiritual content. I liked the dark heaviness of line 3 in verse 2 contrasted with the next line. It could be a hymn in its tone and flow.

It has rather free structure with 4 verses and no apparent rhyme or rhythm scheme. It does not detract form the read as it reflects the ups and downs of the emotional nature of the speaker. I like the balance of sorrow victim plea as in "hear my sobs" and the parts of affirmation as in lines 3-4 in verse 3.

I wondered about the periods after "spririt" in v 1 and "today" in v. 2 as the next lines seem to hang there without a subject if you leave the periods. commas or semi-colons might work better.

The reason for the outcry to God is not specific here so the prayer could apply to many in some crisis.

So it is open to interpretation and use by those who may identify with the feelings.

The picture at the top is lovely and simple and evokes the title. I like the idea that when we cannot see, help is still there in the blankness or seeming dark.

Thanks for sharing this inspirational prayer! Keep shining the light and write on!

eyestar
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1306

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#4065871

Review of Justice

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

HI Kiya! This review is part of your Nuclear Packagefrom "Invalid Item"

Wow! It is so amazing how you can create such a meaningful and powerful message in the strict Fibonnacci Form.

The theme and perspective on Justice is well established and I felt the "accusatory eyes" and vibe and the stark sad truth of the last line. Each word in the last line is well chosen to fit the 13 count.

It had a fierce tone as I read it aloud and harsh sound words with "c", g, k, d " are effective in creating some drama. The emphatic dialogue in the first line sets the tone. "dark hue" is a nice change from "black" or dark skinned" .

Maybe a comma after "demand".

Thanks for sharing this potent message that puts light on this issue. It is a shame we need reminding still.

Keep on being a beacon of light and write on!

eyestar
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#4065655

Review of A Thread in the Tapestry

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi Doctor Dirt! I am back with another review as part of yourNuclear Packagefrom "Invalid Item"

I could not resist this appealing and poetic title and it really suits this inspirational prose. I enjoyed the reflective voice and reverie vibe that reflects your main theme so evocatively.

I enjoyed entering into this moment of time as I can imagine the experience from your fine sensory details in the description of your meditative moment. It so captured the oneness that can happen when one is still and allows all thoughts to drop and to open to awareness of all that is. Your conclusion is so apt and powerful realization.

In the line " lying in the grass and sitting absolutely still " I felt the word "sitting" in unnecessary as you are at this moment lying down. It might even be tightened up to "lying still int he grass". You also use "and" a few times and the word "all" twice in the same line---it makes it a little run on I think.

I wondered if "stimli we can enjoy" might flow better as "stimuli to enjoy". The next paragraph after the first sentence says the same thing as the line before. "not only...given sense...and experience with them" seems similar idea. eg the stimuli. though I see you give lovely examples.

I wonder given the lovely sensual experience of the next paragraphs whether you even need the line about " Some may think it is coincidence..senses" The reflection takes us out of the moment of your vivid moment.
Maybe it is just a matter of the order of the paragraphs. The real first and then the thoughts on it. Just pondering.

though it does kind of take our mind time to float away from thought. LOL

The language is descriptive and fits the theme and appeals to the senses. I especially liked the joy sounds!

Thanks for sharing this lovely peaceful moment--and inspiring readers to remember to take time for quiet connection beyond the mind.
May you continue to meet your muse there and write on!

eyestar
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#4065609

Review of The LGBT Writing Contest - closed

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item"

! The Nuclear Package has been ordered for you from: Jeff

and includes a mix of six reviews of any items in your port!! Enjoy!

We are jam packed and running behind but catching up! LOL

Wow! This is an original and timely contest as many do like to write on the LGBT theme. I really like the pastel coloured and symbolic logo that sets off the page. Beautiful and warm.

The page is well organized and very easy to see and read with drak fonts and accentuating colour decor. It is not busy and distracting.
The prompts are neatly presetned near the end for ease and having a variety to chose from is appealing.

The rules are clearly stated in detail and the dates are firmly established and easy to locate in their own subsection. This is important as folks can easily miss dates. Links to how to post are handy to and great for newbies.

The prize are very generous and I like the unique added feature of earning an MB for entering so many rounds. That is a cool incentive. Brilliant concept.

I had never seen of a tiered donation system here so this is another different feature. You rock!

It is so wonderful to have this contest as a vital contribution to our Community. I hope this review will give it a little plug. The new prompts look like fun.

Keep on being who you be and doing what youdo as you write on!

eyestar
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#4065481

Review of Severe Wind Advisory

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi ruwth! It is fun to see you on the Rodeo postings!

Wow! I really liked your application of the weather advisory prompt! Brilliant and inspirational! *startsuck*
Prefacing with a quote from Longfellow adds weight to its importance and introduces the reflective philosphical interpretation to come. It adds interest for me as I do like wisdom relating to nature. We are all interwoven. Well done!

The style of writing has a personal tone and using the "we" is inclusive as you invite us to ponder with your query line. The teaching is gentle and spoken from life experience. Your faith is evident.

The piece was easy to read and flowed well , coherently developing the metaphor. I had to smile at the desire for a divine weather warning. Wouldn't that be cool? The way we focus so much on weather in real life, I wonder if we don't end up making it worse with collective thought instead of just being in the moment with the weather and trust higher even in these smal things over which we have no control. You make really good points!

I wonder if adding a personal real life anecdote after the 7th paragraph might add to the weight of the message and a more personal connection. Readers might see something of their own life in one of your "storm weathering experiences".

I felt there was a bit of a jump from paragraph 7 to the last one like something missing, especially as you begin the last paragraph with "And".

This line sounded awkward: "The best tool for dealing with the storms of life that I have found is" . I wonder if turning it around like: "I have found that the best.." would flow better.

I enjoyed the positive and encouraging vibration or this expression that will touch seeking hearts. *hearts*

Thanks for sharing your crafting of this heartfelt message. Awesome job with the prompt!

eyestar

"Invalid Item"

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

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1310

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#4065153

Review of Dragonia: Tales of the Golden Talon

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Congrats timtu! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item"

! The Fossil Fuel Package has been ordered for you from: Samberine Everose

. Enjoy!

I am not a story writer but am happy to offer my perspective of a reader.

Wow! This is amazing and creative novel concept! I love your dragon world and the cool invented names for mixed creatures! The title is appealing and speaks to a coming series and the importance of the Golden Talon.

I appreciate your commentary on publishing and your back history and experience of writing such a work and trying to publish.

I wonder if the first part-the intro and author's note might be better in it's own item, linked to the page. Or as you are upgraded account--you could put these in a book item, so people could choose one chapter or part at a time to review. Your opening could be the intro to the book item and then the prologue could be in its own chapter. Not necessary , just an idea for consideration next time. It also breaks up the size.

It is so effective to begin the prologue with a quote as from the Dragon history books. It gives it a serious tone and lends atmopshere.

You drew me in from the first line and its awesome metaphor and you set the major problem that will underpin what will come! I have a hint this will be important.

The narrative is well written, I loved the flwo of language and It was easy for me to read and follow with clarity and coherence. The style reminds me of historical tone and gives great detail about this kingdom and its "dragreatures". While you do not explain the political structure totally you give hints. eg the Frist Arden... I am assuming this will have more detail in the story for those who like to know this kind of thing. Makes for vivid real culture. Ilike to get tot he character bits myself.

The background elements are essential to the coming tale. It is apparent that you have a great knowledge of this world. I easily bought in to the falling of the kingdom.

The character of the Trueblood Dragon is well shown and his motivation for his descent to "bully" is well accounted and believeable.

I liked that the King developed a plan to save the twins and his choice of saviour, who could manage in elements of sky, earth and water. The inconspicuous one--remidned me of the story of the Bojabi tree! LOL Well conceived and magical escape. I love portals.

I was totally engaged in the prologue and the amazing way you weaved the scenery into the described action. You leave enough threads un bound so they can be continued in the story. eg. what happens to king and the princess's parents--I predict she will be told more of the whole as she makes her journey to the queendom once more.

A quick edit will pick up some missing commas and I am sure an editor would pick up spots of wordiness and such. I am not sure how long prologues are to be but I enjoyed the read and the scope of the piece. Having background knowledge like this before diving in to a story makes sense to me as I do not like reading astory where so many questions pop up in the first few pages.

This preview is so telling of the impressive expression yet to come. Wow! Creative, original and well thought out piece from my POV!
Keep on scribing!

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#4064274

Review of ♥Streets of Dingle♥

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

Hi Hooves! I am back with review two just for you!

I chose this one as I liked the title and place name. I also thought of the bell on a cow my friend used to have!
I always wanted to go to Ireland and lvoe the accent and songs from there! Sounds romantic.

Your poem paints a vivid walk through various hihg points of Ireland and you give me a taste of the fare that greets you. The sights and sounds and tastes! It is clear that you enjoyed the experience from the atmosphere and tone of the expression.

It was pleasing to read aloud as I could almost hear it as a song and if I spent some time could likely make up a tune. It is amazing how you wove the names of places and brews and products into the poem complete with rhythm and rhyme. A few places were not as smooth to flow but the overall picturesque and experiencial value overrides the off rhythms.
Thanks for the little author' s note with the particular voacbulary. MM. toffee!

I like the line about remembering how to live! Profound. The excitement evoked with the race back and I had to smile at the 4th line --I can imagine the roads. The ending that keeps on...--is so evocative and suits the vibe. Like a story you don;t want to end--or a place to go back to or a tale to continue. Cool!

The page is appealing with its decor and the fantastic shot of the cows. I can imagine thme walking by the cobble streets. Yep definiitely how to live. Cozy and nurtured!

Thanks for sharing this realistic and heartfelt entertaining expression that appeals to the sense and imagination. I had fun on the journey!

Keep the ink flowing as you follow your muse and write on!
eyestar

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#1300305 by Maryann

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#4064230

Review of Graze it Easy (Circa 2002)

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hi Thing (and Hooves too)! Thank you so much for your kind offering in purchasing my package in our "Invalid Item" ! It is my pleasure to review to celebrate you! Here is review one!

I could not resist this one as I was grazing in the pasture. I love songs and they count as poems, right? I mean I often sing my poems! LOL

This is so original and so reflects your aweseom inventive style--an honour to your generous and enthusiastic spirit that seeks to be supportive.

I could so hear the tune and rhythm of the song and was entertained by the images and hints at competitions. I don't know these folks but it didn't seem to matter as I could imagine the hijinks!

I laughed at the idea of Goldie's prom dress, and the leather jacket. I liked Hooves grazing under Athena! You really know how to mix all these images and personalties right up to the Dalai lama. the deli LLamma! I love your sense of humour!

Just ran by to listen to the eagles and sang your lyrics. Pretty darn close for the most part. I would have to practice to get the phrasing perfect! Fab!!

I like the appealling page and the record album cover at the bottom. Genius!!

More!! More!!

Keep the ink flowing as you follow your muse and write on!
eyestar

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#1300305 by Maryann

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1313

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#4064213

Review of On the ocean waves

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC DM Carroll! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!

I was enchanted by your title that sparked my imagination as I drifted around the Read A Newbie Page!.

This poetic lyric was lovely to read aloud and vivid in its atmopshere and imagery. I felt myself rocking with the flow as I read as if seeking comfort. It begins as a lullaby and yet the word "aching" gives a warning. It ties nicely into the dark image in verse 2. Well done!
I like the notion of a dream sequence as if memories surface from deep chaos and tragedy.

The verses are well balanced and the rhyme is effective. I thought the line ocnnectings in lines 3-4 and 7-8 and 11-12 were dramatic!
I felt out of the flow abit with the word "softly". eg. I notice the lines 7 and l0 have one more syllable than the matching line 3 of verse 1. Not major as ythe rhythm count is not even everywhere. These were just more noticable.

The images were well conceived and I liked the "chariots" and your soundscape with some alliterative qualities. The rocking waters contrast the darkening. This is a very evocative piece.

Thanks for sharing your fine crafting . I really enjoyed the experience of your vision. Keep the ink flowing and following your muse.

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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#4064205

Review of Introduction

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Welcome to WDC Heramac. ! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!

Oh, how cool! This isa really good start to an intro and I see it could be expanded for more detail. It feels like you jsut put your foot in the water. LOL You have given me the hint of how wonderful it tis to be of service in this way and how hard it was to share such gifts in the face of collective sameness and judgement. So many have had this same trial as being wayshowers with a different outlook and consciousness often are. I have several friends who have these gifts too. Good for you for following your heart.

Beginning with a question is a good ploy to lead into your theme. Lines 4 and 5 just seem to hang and could be more coherently interwoven. They do give vital info about what makes up your experience.

I would start a second paragraph with the next question and expand. You could even drop it and dive right into "For me.." I like the follow through into the next line from here about not easy to let it be known and then the explanation.

A good synopsis from which to build your bio. Keep on writing! And welcome to our WDC!!

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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#4064201

Review of Little Bo Air Poops

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (3.0)

Welcome to WDC David! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!

I had to laugh at this bit of fun revealing the true story of Bo Peep as you view it! It felt like "the rest of the story.." in a newsreel voice!

I wanted to change the wording in line 4 to "problem with flat.." so it flows better and addsa bit of rhyme for coherence and pun.
I was wondering about the rather vague "it seems"--would it be more direct to make it a statement of fact.
You say for certain she did not lose here sheep but then when you say "seems"..it is like a heresay--but maybe you mean it to be..?

The title rocks and got my attention right off! The whole idea is entertaining. Thanks for sharing the unique idea in a fun way!
Carry on with the pen!

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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#4064195

Review of Bullying

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!

Wow! This is a relevant topic for poetry and you have a powerful voice as you describe the actions and effects of bullying. The vision is clear in each poem. You really get the point across of how harmful it can be especailly in the last part of second poem. Well done.

I really enjoyed reading the rhyming verses aloud. You did a terrific job with the rhyme, finding key thematic words to rhyme so each line rhymes within each poem. Amazing!! I even smiled at the poetic liscense of "withdrew" , instead of withdrawn.

The rhythm is not always even but it did not spoil the read for me as it had a unique flow and seriousness. Your second and third poems flow more easily than the first one, where the flow is more stilted. Certainly has a heavy feel to it, though.

Thanks for sharing your views on this tragic trend, and the wish in the end that bullies would only realize...--I think we can all concur with that desire. This is a well conceived and potent message! Keep on expressing!

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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#4063992

Review of Bird

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Welcome to WDC David! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!

This song to so funny and I had a good laugh. Your description of the dog eating the turkey is so vivid I could imagine it! I loved line 5!

I don''t know the tune but the chorus and flow certainly feel like a ranting song. It has a quick pace and unique rhythmic voice.
While the rhyme had no pattern I still enjoyed the read. A ffew missing ocmmas too.

I like how you have two points of view-one in each verse--both suggesting the "goodness" of eating bird! Nice contrast. Well done.

The chorus reminds me of addictive focus--maybe the dog nagging for more! LOL

Thanks for sharing this lively entertaining expression! A great and original tribute to thanksgiving theme.

Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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#4063520

Review of The Seasons

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hi dandelion Man. This review is part of your Special Event Packagefrom "Invalid Item"

! We are catching up!

Oh, this poem is a treasure! I love the japanese forms and so Here I am!

The senryu is an excellent choice for this moving concept of relationship. The metaphor is well conceived and explored in these short seasonal verses. The cycle of nature twined with the idea of changing relationship is brilliant.

The form is well done in line and syllables and content. I wondered about using the "we" twice in verse one and the word "then". I have read it is better not to use same words twice in short poems. I imagine it is difficult to compose these chains and the theme is coherent and flows well.

The last line as question is effective--hope lingers.

This poem well deserves its award and was fun to enter into and experience--it evokes the reader to bring their own perspectives to the piece--so it can be personal. Well done!

Keep the ink flowing and write on through more seasons!

eyestar
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#4063477

Review of The Wind and the Rain

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

HI Writing Jewel, I see your rising star shining brightly and I offer my perspective on this crafting.

Oh I love haiku and am an avid student of this form so I dove right in here when I found your lovely expression!

I really liked the idea in the second line-- an evocative metaphor of "nature's breath". The last line opens the reader to the whole universe happening in one moment as it rains. We are invited to imagine and ponder the mystery.

The form follows the traditional syllables and line count, natuer theme and showing a moment in time. I don't think haiku has capital letters or as much punctuation as you have here. Phrases are used more often than actual sentence type lines.

I wanted to see more descriptive words for wind and rain raterh than the words words like "The" twice in the first line. Just to give amore vivid image.

You give me lots to ponder in this conception, which I what I appreciate in haiku. Thanks for sharing your haiku craft!

Keep dipping the quill into the muse's inkwell and scribe on!
It has been a privilege to read your work.

eyestar

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#4063472

Review of The Fall of Hope

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HI,Joseph! I see your rising star shining brightly and I offer my perspective on this crafting.

I really had fun in experiencing your tribute to fall! The voice and pace is lively-full of energy.
The title is evocative as I can see the positive and negative connotations of the fall--of hope! Cool!

Thee vocabulary is brilliant and vivid for the theme. I like the idea of "urgency" with"grace" a unique contrast.
Evocative concept of "new embrace"--I see jumping in leaves but also getting ready for new seasonal weather.

The thought of feeling great about fall yet wondering why it is thrill when perhpas we should not be looking forward to winter..is interesting too. Calls forth enjoying the moment as it is!

I think you need a comma after "oh" in line one. I wonder if you need both "what" and "such" together in line one.

The voice is personal and has a reflective tone. I felt drawn into the experience as your questions appeal to the audience. Very engaging.

Reading the poem with its lively rhyme and changing rhythms, which added drama, was a pleasure .

Thanks for sharing your vibrant expression and crafting.

Keep dipping the quill into the muse's inkwell and scribe on!
It has been a privilege to read your work.

eyestar

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#4063462

Review of The Lament of Saint Joseph

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

HI Demolition, I see your rising star shining brightly and I offer my perspective on this crafting.

Wow! This is brilliant in concept and as a dedication that reflects history today! It is very potent in voice, vision and it's heartfelt query in the end. Many can relate to that lament--given the unknowable.

The biblical story is vividly recounted in poetic form with avid and thematic vocabulary and well composed rhyme and rhythm scheme.
Vivid images like "vipers" and soundscapes like "Herod's hatred" and "bloddy breed" are appealing in builidng the atmosphere and feeling.

Its flow is easy to read aloud like hymn and the repeated query lines in the later verse serve as powerful emphasis of the anguishing wondering of the speaker-Joseph. It gives emotional potency and shows the ultimate confusion that makes no sense to aht was expected by a saviour.

The voice is consistent and the transition from story telling to the direct appeal to God is natural.

Thank you for sharing this heartfelt and potent commentary in such a n expressive way. It brings home how little some places and behaviours have remain unchanged in the world.

Keep dipping the quill into the muse's inkwell and scribe on!
It has been a privilege to read your work.

eyestar

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#4063136

Review of Voyager

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

HI JJ! Here I am with a review to celebrate you and your generosity in "Stardust Auction" ! Here are my thoughts as a reader, as I am not a story writer myself.

"Voyager" is a remarkable adventure episode portrayed with vivid detail of life aboard a storm tossed ship. The narrative voice and POV is consistent and I could easily enter into Mikhail's vision and thoughts. I like history and you have brilliantly captured the essence of this era and the heavy atmosphere of below deck in this crisis.

The descriptions of the ship and its galley are full of rich detail and I could follow the boys' movements throughout the ship. The galley with its dirty dishes.smells and moldy food gives us a clear picture of conditions on the ship at the time. Not fun!

Vocabulary is fitting for the time and you have creative ideas--"dodging clusters of utensils" "swinging gauntlet of pots" ..they really give me a visual. The descriptions of Olin, and the island girl are wonderful.

The addition of runic sayings and superstitious items add to the flavour of the times and the drama.
Mikhail's letter reflects the style of language and information that might occur in ship's diary. Well done. I really felt for this character.

It feels like much research and effort has gone into creating this episode and I admire how you show the actions eg. Mikhail's finding shore, walking through the ship etc. We get a real bird's eye view of all the elements and setting as he moves. Awesome.

I like the ending as it sets us up for the next part--the new life I assume. I want to know what happens next and if he was the only survivor.

A couple of missing aprostrophes: "hearth's ..cauldron", "ship's odorous bowels".
I would eliminate adverbs with "ly" as apparently they are not in fashion these days.

The style of writing with its bit of reflective flavour suited the historic theme. It is a balanced mix of narrative and action. I really enjoyed the journey.

Thanks for sharing your craft. Keep your quill handy and write on!

eyestar

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

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#4058961

Review of Holding me back

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hi Dreamer1808! This review is the final part of yourSpecial Event Packagefrom "Invalid Item"

Wow! You have really portrayed a depressive atmosphere. The idea that you can't get free and the future is doomed to be like the past history is potent and at the end we feel the hopeless conclusion. I can hear the plea, the promise or deal, the questioning tht is so common when one is refelcting on life and its chaos. I am sure many can relate to this moment.

The voice is personal and vulnerble and the verse flowed fairly well when I read aloud. The rhythm is not even and the rhyme is well done, adding to the flow. I wanted to skip "back" in line 3, verse 3. The last line here had potent energy .

In the second verse "can not" should be one word "cannot".
In the second last verse you use "feel" twice in one line. Maybe use "be free" in the second intance. Better to have variety of words.

This has a sad tone that makes me hope that there can be a happier a persepective around the corner after this release .

Thanks for sharing this personal emotional expression.

Keep writing!

eyestar

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#4058583

Review of Foraging Food

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (3.5)

Greetings Lisa! Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" ! Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.

I really like the idea of a season "dawning" and your image sets up the theme of fall.

The haiku format is correct in syllable and line though you do not need capital letters. I did not have a sense of a cut line--or turning point that is the tough part to create in haiku. Haiku sets up a moment in time where two views occur together.

In short poems it is better not to use the same word --eg "winter" twice. I wondered about the squirrel and what this food was. Adding vivid detail would give a more clear picture of this moment in time. You might use the word "forage" from the title in the second line and take out "winter". eg"forages for food" gives a stronger image.

Thanks for your vision and crafting of this form.

Good luck in the contest!

eyestar

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#1300305 by Maryann

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#4058579

Review of The Autumn Gala

Review by eyestar~*

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings Maryann! Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" ! Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.

I really enjoy the whimsical vibration of this haiku and the appealing page. I can imagine the "dance" of the leaves and like the idea of the squirrels. You capture this fall moment in a vivid, engaging manner.

The form is well constructed and the turning point of the last line works. Nice use of the "w" sound as well. I have the impression of fall from the imagery so I am not sure you need the word "Fall". Maybe another descriptor would work. LOL like walnuts!

I also enjoyed the sound combinations and it was fun to read aloud. Well done.

Thanks for sharing your fine crafting of haiku. You make fall fun.

Good luck in the contest!

eyestar

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GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of eight Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann

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