Hi Thing (and Hooves too)! Thank you so much for your kind offering in purchasing my package in our "Invalid Item" ! It is my pleasure to review to celebrate you! Here is review one!
I could not resist this one as I was grazing in the pasture. I love songs and they count as poems, right? I mean I often sing my poems! LOL
This is so original and so reflects your aweseom inventive style--an honour to your generous and enthusiastic spirit that seeks to be supportive.
I could so hear the tune and rhythm of the song and was entertained by the images and hints at competitions. I don't know these folks but it didn't seem to matter as I could imagine the hijinks!
I laughed at the idea of Goldie's prom dress, and the leather jacket. I liked Hooves grazing under Athena! You really know how to mix all these images and personalties right up to the Dalai lama. the deli LLamma! I love your sense of humour!
Just ran by to listen to the eagles and sang your lyrics. Pretty darn close for the most part. I would have to practice to get the phrasing perfect! Fab!!
I like the appealling page and the record album cover at the bottom. Genius!!
More!! More!!
Keep the ink flowing as you follow your muse and write on!
eyestar
Welcome to WDC DM Carroll! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!
I was enchanted by your title that sparked my imagination as I drifted around the Read A Newbie Page!.
This poetic lyric was lovely to read aloud and vivid in its atmopshere and imagery. I felt myself rocking with the flow as I read as if seeking comfort. It begins as a lullaby and yet the word "aching" gives a warning. It ties nicely into the dark image in verse 2. Well done!
I like the notion of a dream sequence as if memories surface from deep chaos and tragedy.
The verses are well balanced and the rhyme is effective. I thought the line ocnnectings in lines 3-4 and 7-8 and 11-12 were dramatic!
I felt out of the flow abit with the word "softly". eg. I notice the lines 7 and l0 have one more syllable than the matching line 3 of verse 1. Not major as ythe rhythm count is not even everywhere. These were just more noticable.
The images were well conceived and I liked the "chariots" and your soundscape with some alliterative qualities. The rocking waters contrast the darkening. This is a very evocative piece.
Thanks for sharing your fine crafting . I really enjoyed the experience of your vision. Keep the ink flowing and following your muse.
Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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Welcome to WDC Heramac. ! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!
Oh, how cool! This isa really good start to an intro and I see it could be expanded for more detail. It feels like you jsut put your foot in the water. LOL You have given me the hint of how wonderful it tis to be of service in this way and how hard it was to share such gifts in the face of collective sameness and judgement. So many have had this same trial as being wayshowers with a different outlook and consciousness often are. I have several friends who have these gifts too. Good for you for following your heart.
Beginning with a question is a good ploy to lead into your theme. Lines 4 and 5 just seem to hang and could be more coherently interwoven. They do give vital info about what makes up your experience.
I would start a second paragraph with the next question and expand. You could even drop it and dive right into "For me.." I like the follow through into the next line from here about not easy to let it be known and then the explanation.
A good synopsis from which to build your bio. Keep on writing! And welcome to our WDC!!
Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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Welcome to WDC David! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!
I had to laugh at this bit of fun revealing the true story of Bo Peep as you view it! It felt like "the rest of the story.." in a newsreel voice!
I wanted to change the wording in line 4 to "problem with flat.." so it flows better and addsa bit of rhyme for coherence and pun.
I was wondering about the rather vague "it seems"--would it be more direct to make it a statement of fact.
You say for certain she did not lose here sheep but then when you say "seems"..it is like a heresay--but maybe you mean it to be..?
The title rocks and got my attention right off! The whole idea is entertaining. Thanks for sharing the unique idea in a fun way!
Carry on with the pen!
Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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Welcome to WDC! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!
Wow! This is a relevant topic for poetry and you have a powerful voice as you describe the actions and effects of bullying. The vision is clear in each poem. You really get the point across of how harmful it can be especailly in the last part of second poem. Well done.
I really enjoyed reading the rhyming verses aloud. You did a terrific job with the rhyme, finding key thematic words to rhyme so each line rhymes within each poem. Amazing!! I even smiled at the poetic liscense of "withdrew" , instead of withdrawn.
The rhythm is not always even but it did not spoil the read for me as it had a unique flow and seriousness. Your second and third poems flow more easily than the first one, where the flow is more stilted. Certainly has a heavy feel to it, though.
Thanks for sharing your views on this tragic trend, and the wish in the end that bullies would only realize...--I think we can all concur with that desire. This is a well conceived and potent message! Keep on expressing!
Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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Welcome to WDC David! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!
This song to so funny and I had a good laugh. Your description of the dog eating the turkey is so vivid I could imagine it! I loved line 5!
I don''t know the tune but the chorus and flow certainly feel like a ranting song. It has a quick pace and unique rhythmic voice.
While the rhyme had no pattern I still enjoyed the read. A ffew missing ocmmas too.
I like how you have two points of view-one in each verse--both suggesting the "goodness" of eating bird! Nice contrast. Well done.
The chorus reminds me of addictive focus--maybe the dog nagging for more! LOL
Thanks for sharing this lively entertaining expression! A great and original tribute to thanksgiving theme.
Light on the path as you write on!
eyestar
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Hi dandelion Man. This review is part of your Special Event Packagefrom "Invalid Item" ! We are catching up!
Oh, this poem is a treasure! I love the japanese forms and so Here I am!
The senryu is an excellent choice for this moving concept of relationship. The metaphor is well conceived and explored in these short seasonal verses. The cycle of nature twined with the idea of changing relationship is brilliant.
The form is well done in line and syllables and content. I wondered about using the "we" twice in verse one and the word "then". I have read it is better not to use same words twice in short poems. I imagine it is difficult to compose these chains and the theme is coherent and flows well.
The last line as question is effective--hope lingers.
This poem well deserves its award and was fun to enter into and experience--it evokes the reader to bring their own perspectives to the piece--so it can be personal. Well done!
Keep the ink flowing and write on through more seasons!
HI Writing Jewel, I see your rising star shining brightly and I offer my perspective on this crafting.
Oh I love haiku and am an avid student of this form so I dove right in here when I found your lovely expression!
I really liked the idea in the second line-- an evocative metaphor of "nature's breath". The last line opens the reader to the whole universe happening in one moment as it rains. We are invited to imagine and ponder the mystery.
The form follows the traditional syllables and line count, natuer theme and showing a moment in time. I don't think haiku has capital letters or as much punctuation as you have here. Phrases are used more often than actual sentence type lines.
I wanted to see more descriptive words for wind and rain raterh than the words words like "The" twice in the first line. Just to give amore vivid image.
You give me lots to ponder in this conception, which I what I appreciate in haiku. Thanks for sharing your haiku craft!
Keep dipping the quill into the muse's inkwell and scribe on!
It has been a privilege to read your work.
HI,Joseph! I see your rising star shining brightly and I offer my perspective on this crafting.
I really had fun in experiencing your tribute to fall! The voice and pace is lively-full of energy.
The title is evocative as I can see the positive and negative connotations of the fall--of hope! Cool!
Thee vocabulary is brilliant and vivid for the theme. I like the idea of "urgency" with"grace" a unique contrast.
Evocative concept of "new embrace"--I see jumping in leaves but also getting ready for new seasonal weather.
The thought of feeling great about fall yet wondering why it is thrill when perhpas we should not be looking forward to winter..is interesting too. Calls forth enjoying the moment as it is!
I think you need a comma after "oh" in line one. I wonder if you need both "what" and "such" together in line one.
The voice is personal and has a reflective tone. I felt drawn into the experience as your questions appeal to the audience. Very engaging.
Reading the poem with its lively rhyme and changing rhythms, which added drama, was a pleasure .
Thanks for sharing your vibrant expression and crafting.
Keep dipping the quill into the muse's inkwell and scribe on!
It has been a privilege to read your work.
HI Demolition, I see your rising star shining brightly and I offer my perspective on this crafting.
Wow! This is brilliant in concept and as a dedication that reflects history today! It is very potent in voice, vision and it's heartfelt query in the end. Many can relate to that lament--given the unknowable.
The biblical story is vividly recounted in poetic form with avid and thematic vocabulary and well composed rhyme and rhythm scheme.
Vivid images like "vipers" and soundscapes like "Herod's hatred" and "bloddy breed" are appealing in builidng the atmosphere and feeling.
Its flow is easy to read aloud like hymn and the repeated query lines in the later verse serve as powerful emphasis of the anguishing wondering of the speaker-Joseph. It gives emotional potency and shows the ultimate confusion that makes no sense to aht was expected by a saviour.
The voice is consistent and the transition from story telling to the direct appeal to God is natural.
Thank you for sharing this heartfelt and potent commentary in such a n expressive way. It brings home how little some places and behaviours have remain unchanged in the world.
Keep dipping the quill into the muse's inkwell and scribe on!
It has been a privilege to read your work.
HI JJ! Here I am with a review to celebrate you and your generosity in "Stardust Auction" ! Here are my thoughts as a reader, as I am not a story writer myself.
"Voyager" is a remarkable adventure episode portrayed with vivid detail of life aboard a storm tossed ship. The narrative voice and POV is consistent and I could easily enter into Mikhail's vision and thoughts. I like history and you have brilliantly captured the essence of this era and the heavy atmosphere of below deck in this crisis.
The descriptions of the ship and its galley are full of rich detail and I could follow the boys' movements throughout the ship. The galley with its dirty dishes.smells and moldy food gives us a clear picture of conditions on the ship at the time. Not fun!
Vocabulary is fitting for the time and you have creative ideas--"dodging clusters of utensils" "swinging gauntlet of pots" ..they really give me a visual. The descriptions of Olin, and the island girl are wonderful.
The addition of runic sayings and superstitious items add to the flavour of the times and the drama.
Mikhail's letter reflects the style of language and information that might occur in ship's diary. Well done. I really felt for this character.
It feels like much research and effort has gone into creating this episode and I admire how you show the actions eg. Mikhail's finding shore, walking through the ship etc. We get a real bird's eye view of all the elements and setting as he moves. Awesome.
I like the ending as it sets us up for the next part--the new life I assume. I want to know what happens next and if he was the only survivor.
A couple of missing aprostrophes: "hearth's ..cauldron", "ship's odorous bowels".
I would eliminate adverbs with "ly" as apparently they are not in fashion these days.
The style of writing with its bit of reflective flavour suited the historic theme. It is a balanced mix of narrative and action. I really enjoyed the journey.
Thanks for sharing your craft. Keep your quill handy and write on!
Hi Dreamer1808! This review is the final part of yourSpecial Event Packagefrom "Invalid Item" !
Wow! You have really portrayed a depressive atmosphere. The idea that you can't get free and the future is doomed to be like the past history is potent and at the end we feel the hopeless conclusion. I can hear the plea, the promise or deal, the questioning tht is so common when one is refelcting on life and its chaos. I am sure many can relate to this moment.
The voice is personal and vulnerble and the verse flowed fairly well when I read aloud. The rhythm is not even and the rhyme is well done, adding to the flow. I wanted to skip "back" in line 3, verse 3. The last line here had potent energy .
In the second verse "can not" should be one word "cannot".
In the second last verse you use "feel" twice in one line. Maybe use "be free" in the second intance. Better to have variety of words.
This has a sad tone that makes me hope that there can be a happier a persepective around the corner after this release .
Thanks for sharing this personal emotional expression. Keep writing!
Greetings Lisa! Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" ! Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.
I really like the idea of a season "dawning" and your image sets up the theme of fall.
The haiku format is correct in syllable and line though you do not need capital letters. I did not have a sense of a cut line--or turning point that is the tough part to create in haiku. Haiku sets up a moment in time where two views occur together.
In short poems it is better not to use the same word --eg "winter" twice. I wondered about the squirrel and what this food was. Adding vivid detail would give a more clear picture of this moment in time. You might use the word "forage" from the title in the second line and take out "winter". eg"forages for food" gives a stronger image.
Greetings Maryann! Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" ! Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.
I really enjoy the whimsical vibration of this haiku and the appealing page. I can imagine the "dance" of the leaves and like the idea of the squirrels. You capture this fall moment in a vivid, engaging manner.
The form is well constructed and the turning point of the last line works. Nice use of the "w" sound as well. I have the impression of fall from the imagery so I am not sure you need the word "Fall". Maybe another descriptor would work. LOL like walnuts!
I also enjoyed the sound combinations and it was fun to read aloud. Well done.
Thanks for sharing your fine crafting of haiku. You make fall fun.
Greetings Mike! Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" ! Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.
Wow! The first line made me feel sad for the passing season and evoke thoughts of other losses, l like children leaving home, old barns rotting away. You caught my attention and I entered the dream from another place. The atmosphere so reflects the season.
The haiku form is well structured and conceived and was pleasant to read. Autumn is evoked in your weaving and I like how you showed the wind without saying it was windy in the second line! Your last line changes our view from the higher branches to the leaves on the ground below. I am drawn to consider the fate of the leaves .
I was wondering how to not use "and". I also thought that leaves crunch underfoot.
I was reading a class instruction on line once a that gave a challenge to make each of three line make sense if you read from bottom to top or top to bottom--hard to do. I could see you making this do it with a few tweaks . LOL
This is fine a model of haiku. Thanks for sharing your crafting and thanks for the journey.
Greetings Ben! Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" ! Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.
The title of this haiku is attention grabbing and evocative in itself, though usually traditional haiku are not titled but for ease of identification. I had to smile at the bit of humour.
The poem was delightful to read and I liked the alliterative flow and image of the second line. I could really visualize the stubborn leaves clinging and and losing the battle. The last line has potent emotional impact and I have often seen one odd leaf and imagined its lone status. It also creates the cut to another perspective effectively.
I imagine a metaphor as the last line reminded me of military idea of not leaving any behind though facing the hardships of battle and cliniging to hope. Brilliant!
The haiku form is correct and well conceived in concept honouring fall. no capital letters are required here and punctuation is used in small amounts for effect. I am wondering about commas in the second line--I will need to study more on this. Seems to me to work both ways.
Thanks for sharing this fine crafting and for drawing me into a journey.
Greetings Skeason! Welcome to WDC and Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" ! Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.
Wow! This is a truly evocative expression that draws the reader to be involved with the concepts and add their intrepretation. Several images come to mind and I so enjoyed the mythological reference. Brilliant.
The atmosphere you create is potent and the image of the coming cold, the dying time is evident. I wonder if this is a haiku-senryu mix in form as it involves person/myth as opposed to a strict nature image. It is certainly well conceived.
Your structure is strong in its syllables, lines and evocation. The theme of fall is evoked in a unique way.
I wasn't too keen on the word "thickness" as it isn't to be vivid as noun image.
This is amazing expression in the Japanese style. I hope you will write more.
Greetings turtlemoon! Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" ! Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.
Wow! I could really visualize this moment in time. I see me walking on fallen leaves that is like a painting on the path. I can smell the musty scent though did not relate the colour making scents in the first line.
I always enjoy your artistic vocabulary and like the idea of imprints. I recall making dried leaf imprints on paper. Thanks for taking me on a journey beyond your vision. Hiaku is best when it evokes the reader to her own interp.
The haiku form is structured well in lines and syllables and the alternate turning point.
Adding the "we" puts it a bit into the senryu-haiku, rather than traditional haiku, as it adds a person. I am just being picky for the contest.
I enjoyed playng in your vision and the blend of the different senses you add to the atmosphere. Thanks for sharing your gift.
Your description of this fall experience is detailed and vivid. I could so imagine it with many senses: the colours, the town street, the geese, the water, the wind in your hair. I did wonder about adding specific colours to leaves.
The story was coherent and easy to follow, though you jumped abruptly from your first sentence to a specifc day. Wonder if this could be a smoother link.
I enjoyed the comparison of enjoying the cholcolate and the "woodsy scents. I don' t usually associate milkshakes with fall but it makes a connection of the passing seasons.
I I think the word "away" in "in squander time" is redundant , as the vibrant word "squander" gives us that sense.
Also I would edit for commas as you are missing some.
In the last line the phrase," if lucky..stimulate" confused me as you are talkng in the past and then switch to present tense. mmm. I do so experience that sixth sense connection with nature. Cool concept.
Thanks for sharing your visionary tribute to the fall season. It sounds like a wonderful day to me. I'll bet you could figure out what the geese are saying if you tuned in. LOL
HI sherri! This review is the last part of your Nuclear Packagefrom "Invalid Item" !
Wow! I found another of your mystical poem that I have not reviewed. Yay! I love this kind of themes.
I enjoyed reading this weaving and the language style. I can imagine this Goddess, her calling and influences from the vivid detail and descriptions . I like the picture on the page as well. Regal.
The poem has a solid structure and the rhyme is awesome. The present tense really works and her work with nature is well portrayed.
My favourite verse 3 with "flourish and nourish" etc.
I noticed I wanted to put a comma after "love" in the first verse, last line as I assume that freedom and love are her destiny.
A few other spots struck me as well--just perhaps a preference as I read aloud for flow.
I wanted to drop the word "the " in line 4 of verse two just to tighten the flow.
I wanted to change "isn't easily " to "not" to make it flow more in sync. In line 4 in verse 3.
(though it may not give the same emphasis you may be making.
Should there be a comma after "departing"? I wanted to read " with a blessed be".
I really admired the power of this image and the tribute to such a being. I like to think we can all tap into her power and earth healers and standing for peace. As women we can all identify with this archetype. Thanks for sharing her!
Hi Sherri! This review is part of your Nuclear Packagefrom "Invalid Item" !
This poem is delightfully darkish in theme and filled with creepy details that brings hallowe'en night to life.
I like the idea that you brought in the idea of dark entities look to capture innocnet souls and leave us at the end that perhaps they did win some. It gives it the darker atmosphere and a thwowback to earlier supserstitions of the event.
The structure is a bit free I think .The rhyme scheme is consistent but the rhythm is more free. It feels like anarrative poem. I only tripped over "hallowe'en treaters baskets" as it felt unweildy to say. You could drop the word "Hallowe'en".
In the last line of verse 4 is a bit wordy. I think you could shorten it--"and monsters follow them everywhere" as it does tie back to "unaware".
The word "anxiously " stood out too as rather hard to say easily. I wonder if something more descriptive might work.
You have really captured the dark aura lurking on hallowe'en and built the scene to contrast the weather elements hiding the mosnters as the innocents unaware go about their fun. Creepy!
Thanks for sharing your crafting. It was fun to visit this for the season.
HI D.L.Robinson, I see your rising star shining brightly and I offer my perspective on this crafting.
This poem was lively and fun to read. I entered right into the joy of the moment of a wlak on windy day. It is windy today here and leaves are falling but it is really a cold damp wind so not as enjoyable. LOL It makes one feel like a child in its free "do as you dare" enjoyment of the moment.
I can perceive clues to the seasons: as in "kicking leaves", " haunting disguise' "erupitng surprise", awakening new birth". Brilliant concept for eyes that see and ears that hear. Or I am just nuts. !
The flow and rhyme were wonderful and well constructed. It was a pleasure to read with the fast paced wind. I think kids might enjoy reading it as well. Your vocabulary is well chosen for visual, actiion and sound effect that adds drama and life to the poem.
Not sure "hearth" rhymes with "earth". Two last lines of verse 2 and 4 ahve one extra syllable. I didn't notice it so much in reading in the 2nd verse but it did strike me in the last. Minor glitch that doesn't take a way for the wonder and appeal of this fancy!
Thanks for sharing your craft. You have inspired me to go out and see what I can play with out side today--maybe I will takea pen!
Keep dipping the quill into the muse's inkwell and scribe on!
It has been a privilege to read your work.
Welcome to WDC JSS!I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!
I was drawn to the title on the Read A Newbie page and thought the concept of a Peanut butter troll was It made me curious. I love fantasy too.
This is a deligthful episode that drew me in with the Creak of the door! You set up a mystery as we do not know where we are or who is running and who opened the door. I like the build up up to the arrival of the main character.
Then you set us up for the next chapter well as he meet this unknown--I assume , human.
The description of Peeayah and his movements are vivid. I loved when he "curled up into a ball and awaited his doom".
whenhe is talikingn inside his head maybe put those words in Italics to seaprtate from narrative and speech. eg “Take deep breaths, Peeayah, take deep breaths just like they taught you in 3rd. Grade industry.” Use {i} and then {/} at the end of the line.
I wonder if, for an easier read you could break up the first paragraph a bit. Maybe after the THUD--you could add a space line The other paragraphing is good. I am not sure which age gorup htis is for--but it makes it a bit easier to break it up.
It is good idea not to use "ly" adverbs like breathlessly, as they are not really showing descriptives and are frowned on in publishing these days. Be vivid and clear.
I would drop the "poke, poke" as you already said he jabbed him. We can get the picture from that.
There may be other points of story stuctures that I missed sas I am no pro., but I loved the story.
I wonder whose home it is and what a Gaarlick is and how the door opened, and cannot wait to read the next chapter. Lots ot go with!
I so enjoyed the creativity, characters, names and action of this episode. Keep on going!
Thank you for sharing your unique craft.
You might like : "Writing 4 Kids Group"
Welcome to WDC Lilith!. I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!
I was drawn to the title on the Read A Newbie page and was intirgugeud by the notion of stories coming and going.
I don't know if this is poetry per se, maybe prose, but I like the concept you are expressing and the way it flows along. You could make it look like a poem if you were to arrange it differently on the page.
It has a delightful voice and energy as you explore your idea about stories and the effect they have on you. The comparison of stories to people is unique and interesting.
The line "some make you feel, some make you realize" gave me pause and wow!!I It is evocative and ture too so you make me think of which books I might classify this way.. Well done!
Thanks for sharing your craft and this way of connecting story, people, and characters. Keep on musing!
Welcome to WDC skeason!. I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!
I was drawn to the eery title on the Read A Newbie page and was curious about the Sychronicity form. I have not heard of it.
The poem appears to follow the pattern you give in your sub note! Wow! I can imagine this is a challenge to do and make sense too. Thanks for the convenient information.
Wow! This is dark with potent energy and images. I could read it with ease and it followed a coherent path.
The 2 sylavbe words in each verse were well chosen to mirror content of the verses.
I would try not to use adevrbs with "LY" as they are not really vivid descriptors--more abstract.
"small moments" is interesting when I would have thought "short" moments.
The voice was strong and consistent and I could hear its edgey tone.
I could really imagine this being and its purpose! And I did not see the picture prompt. ! Well done! Thanks for sharing your craft. Keep on musing!
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