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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI Smee! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

I was drawn by the title of this flash as I like drums and thought of all their uses. I was curious to see how they'd relate to the prompt in your tag line.

The first line is a good opening as it incites my curiosity as to what he knew. I liked the short, abrupt effect too.

I wondered about the "alarms drums" as it seems to be two nouns. Did you mean "alarm drums" or "alarm's drums" or just a typo?

I am not sure he would "reluctantly" get out of bed if he knew what the alarm meant and he had a wish to fight!" Plus adverbs are not as effective descriptors. *Wink* I know it meant he didn't want to get out in cold and leave his dream. But he did jump up and might not have slowed down as he got up. maybe. It does tie back to what you say in the end. Maybe, "with a sigh, he.." would give that impression.

"his small clothes" sounded odd to me.

The story flows in a coherent manner with a sentence variety and a slower pace than I would have expected for the intensity of what will come. Yet is does reflect the idea of the slow movement of the main character in this moment, caught out of inspiring dream, caught in embarrassment, between his wish and what he has to do.

I really enjoyed the conversation and encounter with his warrior mom. I could so imagine the tone and scenario. I liked the bit of accent in the dialogue and it gives hints to the time and place. She is one fierce woman. The description of the outfits and putting on the armour was vivid. The threat of punishment was a good show. I am sure it was empty but folks do use these warnings. or maybe..those times...*Shock* LOL

The point where he stands still is a creative and perfect response to your prompt and I had to laugh. It was so true to what might happen when mom walks in. All of his concerns meet at this point and this is the most troublesome. *Thumbsup*

I liked the end where he shows his acceptance of his job and knows that one day he will be grown enough to have his dream. Good portrait of a teen!

I had fun reading this fantasy moment in time. The title indicates the motivation for the action, both at the beginning and the end. Good ploy.

Thanks for sharing your vision and craft. *Starstruck*

*Sun*Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI Smee! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

What a great theme for a story. I could really imagine this summertime fun and the relationship between the two brothers is so realistic. Your descriptions of the weather, setting and swinging are very vivid and detailed. It maed me feel like I was there and that the author has experience with this fun.

The opening line drew me in with it's intensity and immediate action. The dialogue was natural and served its purpose. I enjoyed words like 'looped", "glinted', "splintering" "crack", "daring arc" that added to the picture making. "in emphasis of his protest" seems wordy. I would just say "in protest". *Wink*

The pargraphs made sense and I enjoyed reading your sentence weaving. The language flowed smoothly and only this line threw me off a bit. eg ." equally ignoring the pleas of the annoying youngster Simon insisted join them.' I got lost in what it meant as it was awkward in its composition to me.*Confused*

You need punctuation after "so mean".

The contrast between the fun of the boys and the whiny bother was potent and then to add the twist at the end added more drama. The brother might be happy now he didn't have a turn. LOL The build up to the event was intense with the amazing detail in the last paragraph.

The last line added shock yet made me smile too. I felt the freedom of it, which refelcted the theme of daring, summer fun. You let us imagine the landing. Good hook into our response.

Thanks for sharing this entertaining episode and your craft! *Starstruck* i had fun.

*Sun*Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

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Review of Lost Without You  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI sum1! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

*Sun*Wow! This is a lovely lament with a bit of a twist at the end, which is unexpected so I had to smile. I got the idea about needing that time alone to pour it all out and then ..a kind of light comes. *Fairyr*
It is written like a love poem, yet a prayer by a guy lost without his love and the emotional vibe is potent. I like the repeated song like verse in the quotes. It is like a chorus calling.

The structure is free style and I didn't notice a definite rhythm but the rhyme was consistent and added to the flow. The description of the speaker and setting is vivid and the language suits the theme of a pleading prayer. The seeking for comfort and direction has a spiritual tone and it is interesting how one can make that connection with the muse.
The Source is within and above and stems from love---.

I enjoyed reading it aloud. The first verse, which felt like a chorus, flowed like a song and the second part slowed a bit in the 4th line as it was longer, lost some of the pacing. eg>"join me..."
Overall it was pleasant to read and I did notice changes in verse lines, so while the flow was good in verses, some verses had different flows. It did not affect the meaning or power of the message. *Smile* The last line is so appealing and sums up simply.

I appreciate the effort that went in to composing this heartfelt plaintive poem. The theme is one we can all relate to and gives hope. *Star*

Thanks for sharing your vision and craft.

*Sun*Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Sun* *Cake* Hail Fran! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you on your birthday.*Delight*


The title is so potent in sound and evocation. Ravens and daggers..who can resist? The item has dark dangerous air about it before I even read it. Curious, I entered in!

It doesn't disappoint if seeking death and spooky! I enjoyed reading it aloud with its intense soundscape. The rhymes with "ashes" and "crows" brilliantly serve the imagery, tone and build the atmosphere vividly. Excellent choice.

The images for coming of Hallowe'en , the dark storm, the imagination that flourishes as time draws near, is portrayed with fierce vibe and inventive notions. I was caught in the embrace of its power. Ravens are perfect symbol to evoke the secretive dark messages--as they do communicate with each other and are brilliant masters.

The form is well composed and it really is effective choice for this theme. The repetition builds suspense and tries to evoke fear in the mid of the listener. I can see the picture on the hill at night-or a graveyard...again I like when the reader can take part and imagine more details, perhaps engaging his own experiences. Well done!

Thanks for sharing this creepy poem in all its shivering potency. *Lightning**Bird*

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI sum1! I am back here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

I so enjoyed your movie blog that I came to check this travel one out. I see you were in Barrie, which is in my province about 5 hours away. *Delight* Glad you enjoyed the food! LOL I have not been there in awhile but know some folks there.

This is such a great way to celebrate your experiences and as you travel for work, it must be a lovely creative outlook. You have an engaging style and and the short entries are filled with details as we learn where you go, your impressions and highlights. I love how you always mention food--as it would be good to know where he good stuff is in a new place. The Shrimp place sounds good and the Goat cheese and roasted garlic..yum! I may take a trip to Barrie! *Laugh*

The photos add colour and realism to the blog entries--sioux falls photo is gorgeous. Brave you for going out to get in it in the cold!*Thumbsup*

The pieces are interesting and a good mix of fact and your impressions, opinions and notions that come to yo as a result of travel. It is a lovely record of your work as well and how you make it fun in spite of glitches. This might make a good book some day--your memoires. or Travel log for the travel for work and make it fun crowd! *Wink**Bird*

I really enjoy tuning into your episodes and getting to know a bit about who and where sum1 is! *startruck* Thanks for sharing YOU so openly.

*Sun*Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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Review of Oak tree  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Sun*Hail Fran! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you.*Delight*


I love trees and couldn't resist checking out this poem. The title is simple and is right on! *Laugh* The little cover picture is awesome too. Wow!

This short poem is evocative with many layers-or rings as the aged tree itself with the secrets it could tell. I think of it enduring all the progress of the world and keeping safe all of the events or ponderings it has seen and heard through time: lovers, children, thieves, hangings, family gatherings, that may have happened within its sight. The word "lawless" made me think of cowboy times and of secret associations that others would not want to be known.

The form reminds me of senryu style with its 3 lines and syllabication, which is well done. The words are solid and flow well when read aloud. The first line with its alliterative quality is appealing and the o echoes in the second line in "unnoticed". I hear a tunnel of time. Dark bold font adds to the atmosphere of a strong vibe of this tree.

The treat is that the reader can enter in to the image with his own perceptions and take a journey. *Thumbsup*

The second line is interesting as I saw the tree was unnoticed and therefore got to be "oldest". but also time goes by fast and we may not really notice life around us-and enjoy it with gratitude.

The third line makes me ponder too and imagine all manner of secrets held.
I even saw a hanging tree. LOL.

I really enjoyed pondering this excellent poem and taking a journey. Thanks for composing and sharing your vision and craft. *Starstruck*

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC Mihai! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Sun*Wow! This is a riveting and uplifting piece of wisdom that exhorts us to be grateful each moment. The positive and enthusiastic energy of the voice and theme flows out in a potent manner no one could miss. I love it! You are really desiring that we could live and have a happier life.

This could be a wonderful piece to read each day--or at least a part. Asking the readers questions invites them to look to their own life practices and get ideas on how to be happier. The first sections ask and the second section reveals wise suggestions as to how to think differently. Some good affirmations too.*Thumbsup* Research well done.

The capital letters are emphatic in the middle where you want to stress the main idea of gratitude. I wondered why all the large spaces between your lines--unless one could print this as put in answers as it does have the aspect of a questionnaire in spots. It is also like a motivational speech! *Smile*
In the 6th line you have a typo---"Do yo think what actions..." needs to be "Do you.."
I wondered why these questions were in a bundle like a paragraph when the res were not. *Wink* It does seem to make sense and does not detract from the read.

It is helpful to when you say what can occur if one follows a more positive approach to things. The last paragraph sums up the reason for making it a practice. *Star* I can relate totally to what you say here and do my own "happy making " exercises. *Delight*
Keep passing on the magic and thanks for sharing your vision and craft on WDC!

Light on the path as you write on!

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window.!*RainbowR*

Eyestar
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Review of Leafmulch  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC ! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*


*Sun*This cool title caught my eye on the Read A Newbie page. I liked the sound and idea of it and it mirrors the division of your poem.

The first verse was a treat to read and envision with its glowing imagery and rich detail of the leaf's journey. *Thumbsup* "crumpled wing...insect" was an excellent comparison.

This line "lighting on" threw me out a bit as I had to think about it. And "frantically" is a dramatic enjambent but as an aadverb is not so poetic a descriptor. Perhaps a tweak of this line could make it a more potent image.*Wink*

I liked the feel of the line where the leaf plunged. Setting it by itself in space mirrors the switch in direction. The contrasting line with the "stone-like I begins a new idea.

From above this half-man watches the leaf perhaps, in his own state of decay as a dead body.
The metamorphosis idea is catching--as he distintegrates into mulch with leaves, his light spirit is free. Well, that is what I see anyway. And the connection is made to your title
The last line is so evocative--it is said like a fact. I like it. The second line here is a bit tricky to get--not sure how else to say it. Comma after "that" and after "out" would help with the flow.

The whole show here is magical and mystical in vibe and genius in concept. I loved it! *Starstruck* Thanks for sharing your vision and craft here at WDC.

Light on the path as you write on!

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window.!*RainbowR*


Eyestar
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Review of In Bloom  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC ! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Sun*Wow! This is a captivating expression showing the progress of growth of a seed. Marvelous in its conception and theme. The double meaning is brilliant as I thought one thing at the first and then clued at the end. I first thought of seed, even baby in the womb and then you when later you mention roots..voila, the dramatic birth. er.. it is borne out in the title. *flower* 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 8 are kind of appropriate for baby too. *Wink*
Awesome Flash piece.

The vocabulary is interesting and thematic to growth and nature. I enjoyed reading it slowly as even your arrangement on the page would suggest. Your story has a poetic feel to it as well with effective alliterative quality that is appealing to read aloud. *Thumbsup* Words like "venture", "rupture", are potent and "venerated salvation" makes it feel that this shift is exalted.

The personification of the seed is excellent too. Her voice is scientific and factual and warms up as she births in the sun. The rich detail creates the vision of the sensory experience and is a creative way to explain what happens as a seed germinates and fights its way to the surface. *Flowerb* Brilliant and fun.

Thanks for sharing your vision and craft at WDC. This was remarkable. *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window.!*RainbowR*

Eyestar
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Review of Death's Death  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC forgotten poet! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Sun*Your title sounded ominous from the Read A Newbie page, and has an intriguing theme. Good choice.

Wow! I so enjoyed reading this poem with its tight weave and fascinating and deep concepts.
I liked the unique structure too and what you did with the middle part--the pattern and repetition. eg. "The Form...The feet.." etc. Fabulous. *Thumbsup*

I liked the flow as I read it aloud though a few lines were a bit longer and not in a similar rhythm. One line that was a bit unweidly was line 8 at the end "lead...mate". It was long and I was a bit confused by it.

The adverb "stubbornly " stood out too. I get the idea but it is not poetic. Not sure of a fix though as you do want that idea of firmness.

For hands "pout" do you mean "point"? *Wink*

I am unfamiliar with the word "moun"---is it like "mown" as in a lawn being mown down. A scythe mows the life down". Cool image.

In line 4, I think "its but.." needs to be "it's" for "it is".*Confused*

Your imagery is potent and description of Death's sadness is vivid. The couplet at the end sums the tragedy brilliantly. There is much to ponder in your philosophical expression and I could linger there and keep reading to reach more depths. *Thumbsup*

Please keep writing and thank you for sharing your unique vision and craft at WDC!*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window.!*RainbowR*

Eyestar
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Review of Busted  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC ! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*


*Sun*I found this short piece on the Read A Newbie page and liked the title with its strong sound vibe and that it didn't give away the story as I could think of different scenarios. It made me curious to see yours.

It is amazing feat to write such a complete episode in only 99 words! It is very descriptive and intense as your character acts in stealth. I could visualise the scene quite vividly.
The details of the box and the food are excellent. Active verbs like "creep",and "explodes" give vitality and and potency to our vision and the writing.

You lead us and we have no idea of why she is trying to hide or what is calling (very good} until we catch the whiff in the end of line 7. Then the twist evoked a laugh! Superb!
The situation happens more than we know, I am sure. Good choice of theme.

The structure has a variety of short and long sentences, which keep the story moving well with appropriate pauses to enhance the drama.

A glitch for me would be adverbs like "suddenly". What would she look like if she suddenly heard---show instead of tell. I know you have a word count to consider. *Smile*

I think this is awkward "whereabouts he is". Grammatically "his whereabouts" sounds better and not end in a verb. *Wink*

The title indeed suits the work in a unique and comic way. I was entertained and had a good laugh. Thanks for sharing your vision and craft. *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window.!*RainbowR*

Eyestar
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Review of Rilke Quote  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail turtle. I am back to comment on this item, though it is not written by you! *Quill* Rilke is one of my favourite poets though haven't read him in a while.*Delight*


This is a familiar quote from the poet Rilke and so moving and inspirational that I can see why you would choose it and post it here to inspire other writers too. As a poetry teacher you are to many here, I just heard.

It would be helpful if you would link the source or the title of the book as well. If I recall it is from his "Letters". *Delight* Don't quote my memory though.

The idea of questioning and following the energy of responses is vital I think. If we don't look for concrete answers as given by society norms, but wait and go beyond, that is where magic happens, in life and in writing poems. The not looking for answers as they won't come til you can live them is rather true. If we follow another's answer to our question, it could be not right for us in the end--a hollow life that douses our true one.

He was ahead of his time--live the questions! There are more and more folks asking--and going beyond this realm to greater possibilities--not only in writing. I have trouble with the patience part as I want to know now. before time. *Laugh*

Thanks for posting this and making my day. Good reminder to ponder on. You could spruce it up a bit with some colour and may be say why it is your favourite or your own ponderings about it. I'd be keen to know. *Wink*

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.


*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*


*Sun*I found your evocative title on the Read A Newbie page and was curious about the connection of lovers and skies. I imagine them sitting under the stars or on a hill side. So many images come to mind. Good choice for a title as it hooked me.

Wow! I liked reading this. The first image set the tone and the two line short lined verses are so effective and dramatic like a storm. I like how the end lines of each verse rhyme--although I notice the last two verses ,rhyming together-don't follow the rest. And the word "joining" is a bit off from "in" as a rhyme. *Wink* The second last verse however, seems to mark a change in tension--eg sigh after the intense coming together. so change in rhyme could make sense. I love the concept in the last line. Brilliant! *Star*

I notice the rhythm is not always the same in the verses, yet I liked the flow when I read it aloud. Verses 1,2 ,3 ,4 and 6 flow smoothly and in similar vein.

I wondered if "shiver" should be "shivers"?

The overall effect and atmosphere created is so vivid and yet readers can imagine the details in their own interpretation. The comparison between storm skies and lovers is well shown.

This poem has potency and was a treat to read for its unique topic and vibe. You say a lot with few words. Well done!*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window.!*RainbowR*

Eyestar
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Review of Dessert  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

*Sun*Hail Mumsy! I hope you had fun in your Port RAID! *Delight*


Wow! I so admire your ability to compose a complete episode in only 55 words! This one is yummy. I saw the title and who can resist dessert? *Smile*

You drew me in immediately with the description and feel of fudge!

It was pleasing to read your piece with its alliterative quality and vivid descriptions. It evoked visual picture and a watering mouth! Words with s sound in first line was fun to read. Words like "perched" and "glistening" were effective. One little glitch for me is the adverb "temptingly" isn't as descriptive and harder to say in a flowy way.

The sentences were well written and had a rhythmic flow that gave a sense of drama.
The twist as the end changed the vibe of the experience totally. Wow! What a let down! Superb as you bring us back to mundane. The dream is over.*Thumbsup* I want chocolate now.

The concept for this was brilliant. How many of us do drool at the colourfully real pictures in magazines? They always look good. Might be good we don't have the magic to make it real! *Wink* I wonder if this description came from a mag picture. It sure is inviting vision you captured and in exactly 55 words.*Starstruck* I counted. *Bigsmile*

Thanks for tempting me with this dessert! Now I will have to hunt up some chocolate! *Choco*

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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Review of Enjambment  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.

*Sun*Hail Turtle! Enjoying all the attention today?*Bigsmile*


I found a link to this article on the review page and thought I needed to know more about the enjambent. This article really clarifies how to use them in a vivid concrete way using the poem by Williams as an illustration. Wow!

Your explanation is coherent and easy to understand. The bold letters give a visual clue to your teaching. The things to consider are reiterated in the questions you pose at the end. They are very useful and will help me when reviewing too. I will now have this to ponder when I write. *Wink*

I like the way you varied your use of "emphasize" when you explain the three examples. eg. "place the emphasis...is emphasized" etc. Very nicely done not to repeat the same line.

I tend to write free flow or basic rhyme and enjambents were a bit of a mystery. I just know when they sound right. I see now that there could be more reasons why a person would choose the one they do.

I was wondering if there were any words that are no=no's in the process like 'and" or "but" etc.

In a simple way without flourish you clear up the mystery of those free hanging words on the end of lines! I am so glad I found this and that you wrote it for us.*Star* A helpful contribution to WDC poets and reviewers.

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I am doing WebWitch's Weekend Reviews for a Merit Badge Challenge, posted on the Public Newsfeed.


*Sun*Hail turtle! Touring through at a slow pace and look what I found for your port RAID.*Delight*


Who knew there was such a way to read a poem and yet it makes total sense there would be. Mine always sound different in my mind than to a reader's perhaps. This is so inventive and fun! *Delight*

The first part of your structure mirrors ways to read poetry according to voice, pace, sound and meaning. T
The varying fonts serve to emphasize your points! Very creative. I enjoyed reading it too as it flowed with ease and with dramatic vibes as some poems do.

The questions you ask are insightful and give something to ponder as one reads poetry. I especially like the one about the riddle or the mystery of poetry as I do encounter some as puzzles or where different interpretations are inspired.

The opening image is vivid and I know some reluctant poetry readers who are like this. it can be nervousness of excitement depending on the reader. LOL I was struck by the words "white leaf" to refer to a page. had to think for a moment as one often has to pause in a poem for effect. Very cool.

The voice is consistent and I like when it turns to include all of us in the end. I think it may take all of us to discover meaning as so many varying points of view and reference open discussion and perhaps a common truth emerges.

This poem really appealed to me with its creative response to the question. It could be quite useful for someone reviewing poetry as well to consider the very queries you make here. Double duty: show and tell, ponder and teach. *Thumbsup* Marvelous inspiration. Thanks for sharing your vision. *Starstruck*

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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Review of The Carousel Ride  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail Mumsy! I am happy to RAID you again for Martell House in "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..*Delight*


I haven't been on a carousel in a loong time! LOL The idea brought back memories and here in your flash piece you create the sense of nostalgia vividly in the soft tone and thoughts of the character as she visits a once cherished amusement park.
I easily felt her loneliness and see her in the quietude of the empty park and silent carousel as you weave the episode in a descriptive way. The setting was clear and how you have her sneak in made me curious enough to read on. Good hook.

I really liked when she is at the carousel car"essing the animals and the description of the memory is magical. Well written to appeal to the senses. Her gratitude at the end is precious.
The soundscape as I read is also appealing in so many places! eg: No cacophony...movement of mechanical....etc"

You tend to use adverbs, which I am learning is not such a good thing any longer, especially if you want to show, not tell. "stealthily" really stood out. and "patiently" I don't think adds much. How do we know what patiently looks like etc. But you may have to worry about word count and not add so much detail.

The line with "shadow and promise...pavement" seemed awkward to understand.

I imagine it is difficult to create such a full experience is so few words but this eloquent and moving, coherent with a bittersweet tone. I can actually enter into the dream with her.
And in a short time for Writer's Cramp too. *Shock* Thanks for the vision.*Thumbsup*

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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Review of One Little Toad  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail Mumsy! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you in "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. RAID.*Delight*


I was charmed by the title of this little poem as I saw a little toad sitting in a child's hand yesterday. So cute. *Delight*

I can so imagine this as a picture book with its vibrant creatures performing the actions. The poem is a great way to teach and illustrate numbers one to ten and they would be familiar with the animals/bugs/nature items you chose. The LLamas feel out of place as they are not of the same area as the other things--except at a zoo. Unique choice. {

The inner rhymes are well matched and easy for children to hear. The flow is sing song like with its pleasing even rhythm. The only line that felt off key to me was the second one. There is no action word to keep time too. The word "in" is abrupt. I think a little edit or a change might make this more consistent with the rest of your lines, which all have dynamic action and "ing" pattern. Also the line is longer in syllables than the others as is the "llamas" line. You could drop "their" maybe. *Wink*

You also use "some" alot, which is common and a word kids could read. Just wondering what else might be more fun than "some" like "brown logs". Of course, the alliterative quality of "sitting on some" and "some sticks" is lovely. Just three times in a row its use seems overdone. Just POV. It is hard to keep songs simple. Illustrators have ideas too,*Smile*and may want input.

I wonder about "growing into" instead of "turning into" in line 3. (though turning sounds more magical-poof!} but the picture would be more of a seed changing under the ground and coming up. I think.

The images are visual and the mice evoke a smile and the sheep, a pleasant way to end. As in a countdown to bedtime. *Thumbsup* I really enjoyed playing with this little poem for kids.

Thanks for sharing your craft and unique vision.*Starstruck* Good luck with a book form.

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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Review of The Turtle  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun**BalloonP*Hail Turtle! I found another animal tale in your port!*Delight*

*Sun*I enjoy the aboriginal philosophies of Earth and how we are one with it. Myth, stories and legends have always fascinated me so this title appealed to me. I recognize the symbol of the turtle as representing earth and have never heard this tale before. It is awesome tribute to your grandmother's oral telling that you retell in today's fashion. *Thumbsup*

It is interesting you use turtle as title as it is the underlying main character-the foundation. It does not say it all but certainly a clue.

I wonder why you left so much space between paragraphs. *Wink* Ready for a picture book? It is engaging and told in true story telling fashion in a straightforward, gentle, objective voice.

The story has the elements of a creation story and is easy to follow along. Short paragraphs are effective to give each part of the story its due. The repeated actions of the animals is a good ploy as well especially for children's tales. They can follow and predict.

I was shocked when they wanted to pull up the tree and it was scarey when she fell though the cloud to have an unexpected save. It would be interesting to know how they tried to pull her out of the hole. Kids like details--or could inspire a what do you think question.
I wonder how geese got to name her, if she was the first human and they didn't know about them Guess geese are wise.*Bigsmile*

The animals chosen for the task were appropriate and when the tiny muskrat just did his thing. How cute. it reminds me of the Bojabi tree a little as many tried to accomplish the job but the least likely one managed it. Children like this too as they can identify with being small and maybe being told they can't. Lots of messages come through a good story.

The use of a little dialogue always adds energy and drama to a story and I can see where you could add a bit more and have the story more active, then telling. *Wink*

Still, the tale serves its purpose and explains how earth came to be. I like how you had the woman hold the dirt and seeds all this time.

Thanks for sharing this moving rendition of your grandmother's tradition. A tribute and a memory so it does not get lost. *Heart*

Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Coyote Waits  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Hail turtle! I am back to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Sun*I spotted this animal title and it made me stop and wonder why Coyote is waiting. Good catch with the title and it reflects the theme of your poem. How patient hunters must be...

The poem topic is being told from the perspective of the one being hunted--we don't know what it is...which is an unexpected but interesting idea. It could be any prey.
Your personification is vivid as you give a potent voice to the mind inside the victim. I didn't realise til the third verse (I} that he was speaking. I went back and saw the "victim" was "unsuspecting". I think because you began with the opening line , that when you said he was waiting again in the first verse, it through me off. Now I see perhaps the first and last line are a different speaker--like a narrator looking on a coyote and its prey. Putting those in italics might clarify--it is a brilliant idea. The observer watching as the "I" voice observes itself and the way of coyote. OR it is just me. *Wink*

The complaining voice is well done in tone and hopeless but will try attitude. I like how he blames time!
If running is not an option but he doesn't give up--does he hide in his hole and resist the trap he can't resist but knows is there. he is a complex thinker.

You do a good job of allowing readers to enter your story and make conclusions and predictions and all the time Coyote waits. He is the trickster and this poem reflects it. Mind playing. *Wink*

Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Daylight Ride  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Hail turtle! I hope you are enjoying the super Port Raid from all of us at "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window. this weekend. I am enjoying your craft.*Delight*

*Sun*I had to check out another Ode! The title is so evocative and a delightful way to describe the day cycle. I love the dusk and it is charming how you explain what is happening as if to a child who may have asked the question and is concerned. It has a comforting tone that shows him the wonder of the change. Beautiful.

It is so well written that I actually sang it--sometimes when I read aloud music just comes with it. So thanks for that. Each verse had the some song tune and it changed a little when I got to "But, fear not" which is appropriate as you draw our attention to whom you are speaking here. *Wink*

The hint that we can't control the rhythm of this natural event is a good one for a child to know--there is something greater looking after it, for our benefit, perhaps.

The rhythm and rhyme are pleasing and flow with ease and peace. I like the vivid way you describe dusk falling: "thin veils,dim eyes, slides." The end reminded me a bit of the song "Memories". *Moon**Delight* The play on words I saw with "rays of glory" made me smile. (days of glory} *Smile* Just my wierdness.

Thanks for writing this and allowing to play with it. I love{e:s to sing and this stirred the music muse in me. {e:starstruck}

Light on the path as you write on!

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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun**BalloonP*Hail turtle! I am so enjoying my visit to your port so here I am again!*Delight* You have a great variety of interesting pieces and it is cool that the art of weaving is a hobby. I also like the poet rilke and his quote. *Smile*

*Sun*How brilliant to compose the old poetic form of an Ode to the ancient art of weaving! Brings up the memories of studying ancient history in university years ago and translating odes from latin.
Oh the things we lose if we do not use. *Smile*
The title is a wonderful summary of the poem and drew me in as I thought of all the reasons he could lament. LOL

The form suits the content and woeful vibe. It is impressive how you show in great detail the process of weaving a basket in all its complex and repetitive steps. The vocabulary is relevant and the connection of weaver to his work, even when painful, is loving and allowing it to be, as you indicate by having the weaver say "my awkward child" and "my creation".

The writing mirrors the work as you use repeating words to show the "mantra" and the variety of line and verse lengths reflect the flow of the weave. I was taken with the beginning of verse 7 as it flowed and the idea of 'carousel".

Typos: '"ach I feel" needs to be "ache.."*Wink* that would certainly be a valid lament.

I wondered about "to begin with" near the end. Is it necessary and you end in preposition.

This is such a complex work much as weaving is and really shows how the process works and some of its effect on the weaver--hands. callouses, knees. etc. It is a craft that requires sustained work. The results are beautiful ..and yet you say at the end--the final product will be as the basket wills, not the creator.
Now , their is a lament! Rather like parenting. Good metaphor in my mind. *Laugh*

Thanks for sharing this outstanding and interesting poem. Keep on shining as the unique *Star* you are.

Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Two Worlds  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
v*Sun**BalloonP*Hail turtle! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you in our GOT RAID!*Delight*

*Sun*This "cry for escape" is well heard by this reader! Wow. The title is evocative for the duality that haunts the speaker. Being here watching the earth be taken form itself and knowing there is another earth form more sacred. The first line is power plea for release and perhaps he doesn't care how he gets away--even to another plane. *Wink* A great hook to get me to read on and dream of options.

The imagery is vivid especially where you contrast nature with the citified areas of encroachment. I too am very saddened by "concrete fields"!*Thumbsup* I recall when they put paving on a pathway around the bay park land. I used to walk there on gravelly path and one day it was paved. I could almost hear the earth cry for breath. I mean a park right on the water and path of concrete. I got mad and then I cried.

The imagery of taking command if you could is a potent idea too as opposed to the victim of "shackle". I love the line "shackle--concrete trees"! Whew!

I wondered about the word "teaming". Great word for this concept. but should it be "teeming" or is it a play on words. eg "teeming with life" as opposed to "teaming up--as a team?" Not sure. It just struck me for a moment.

The last verse is a wish vision of what was and could be again. The prayer at the end is potent and one many pray for I am sure. It is sad to think one cannot even hear the wolf call in many places or know the simple elegance of a natural setting out in wide open spaces.

The poem was pleasant to read in its form and the voice was potent and message clearly conveyed. The concern is quite real.

Thank you so much for sharing this heartfelt plea and bringing attention to the issue. Well said! *Star*

Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Ophelia  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Hail Turtle! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Sun*Wow! This poem is impressive and the famous name as a title, caught my attention. Such a tragic figure and this is a fine tribute to her being and her creator. *Wink* Thanks for the link to more info too.

It is a riveting read and the language well chosen to reflect the tragic tone, the time and the theme. So many vivid images and phrases like "willow weeps..dirge" and "cracks...cloister.." The alliterative quality adds to the flow and essence of the picture in my mind.

Your first hooked me with the dramatic short line emulating "short" life and the elegant image. In the second verse I notice right away how you create a pleasing soundscape with words that continues throughout the piece. The plight of Ophelia is retold with detail and a vibe of sadness.

The form suits the emotional and reflective content and it flowed in a coherent way. I enjoyed the read.

The last verse is summative and speaks to the part that the death played in the story--as if it was not wasted. A wise truth much like Shakespear would say. *Thumbsup*

It is clear that you have your research as you portray the essence of her life and Shakespheare's vibe and meaning. I could read this again and again--I did-just to sink into the content and recall the whole story.

I loved it and appreciate the time and effort it must have taken to compose such a complex and potent expression. Thanks you so much for sharing your vision. *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of IMPORTANT!  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail angus. Enjoying your party! *Cake* Here is one more review to celebrate you. *Delight*


I like the picture of the house and your response to it is unique and inventive. The idea of being stuck there writing the same thing over---the boredom of it is scarey.

The opening line is the ending line too, which really encapsules the piece and emphasizes the repetition cycle in the content of the story. The line rouses questions as to how he got there. Good hook.

You tell the story with detail in the voice of the character and I like how it unfolds slowly. The discovery of the photo and missing the man are logical ways to set the problem. The word on the picture begins the puzzle for the character to solve. The coincidence that occurs make me think the photo has some power maybe. I wondered how the man could leave and be on a bus if he was trapped in the house and lonely. *Confused*

The dialogue is clear and adds drama to the narrative. Fantastic concept. I would love to know the backstory of this mystery and magic. And maybe he could use a new bit of story if he has to keep doing this one. Interesting how the word Important becomes key--as in the story is so important to tell over and over so we do not wind up in the same situation. yet also for the man to get some one to listen and return the photo. Double dip! Cool!

This was fun and I so enjoying partying in your port today! *Star**Candleg*

*Sun* Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
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