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1426
1426
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Fire* Hi Octoberskelecountry! This review is part of yourHydroPackagefrom "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.. *Fire*

*Clock*This piece with is appealing evocative title is really original is scope and form. I admire the eclectic! The title suits the theme and the clock image is effective for time and death theme. It feels like a warning--as we know noone can escape and we never know death's time

Definitely a free style composition and I like the effect of the short verse with the longer commentaries between. It felt like two voices or of two in one mind. I can relate to that. The tick tock and poems bits have a quick pace as I read them.
I wanted to drop "silently " in the second verse of poem. Not sure why--flow? or how does it look "silently coming to a stop?" *Rolleyes*
I liked how you weaved the cliches in and the idea of the broken deal. "takes away the blaze" is brilliant. *Sun*
My favourite is the "tricky...grave"--as an interesting pondering.

I thought the meaning of the word coffin was fascinating and an apt way to introduce your theme. How it came to be place for the soon to decay body is reasonable I guess but what was precious has already left. History is fascinating.*Cool*

Thanks for the quirky ride into these superstitious depths as the clock ticks on.*Star* Write on until....
the end.....*Clock*

eyestar
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Sun*Hail Liam! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you on behalf of the House Martell in the"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..*Delight*

I found this item on the review pages and felt called to read it. It is an interesting consideration and you make valid points about how the way we say something or break into syllables, or stress accents can effect our reading of the piece. I knew the issue with words like "leisure" and you would have to be aware of the fact it has two different pronunciations. Your solution to check a dictionary is wise and simple. As authors we need to be come more aware of these nuances espcially if we are also reviewing. Good points.

The voice and tone of this piece is instructive and you organized it well with paragraphs outling several ways Pronunciation may impact the reading of a poem. Examples portray each issue cleverly and I like how you referred to it being different than in stories and talk about the "author's voice". It was easy to follow the thinking and written well for the intent.

Giving advice about how to review is helpful as not many may know how to approach the "complex issue". I like "you encounter an unusual “bump in the road” that interrupts flow.." That is how I approach poems --something doesn't sit right!

This article was interesting and informative and offers a "light " on this tricky issue. Thanks for the clarity and sharing your knowledge for our benefit. *Starstruck*

Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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1428
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sun**BalloonP*I Lexi! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Bird*I found this new (to me} poetry contest on the Contest page and I like poetry so I am checking it out. Round 51! Where have I been? LOL I liked the elegant colourful title that sets up the page.

The rules are clear and detailed and the underlined key phrases catch attention.
It says that you review during the contest but go back later when judging but you do not specify whether editing is allowed until deadline or stops once you post here. Might be helpful to know these parameters.
The page is clean and the date due in colour is emphatic. I wonder at the use of red as I have heard that some folks have difficulty reading red. Maybe bold it as well.

The way you use prompts for this is orginal in that you give a series of titles and authors get to pick form them. I like the variety and I think it can appeal to more authors than just one prompt that may may not appeal to their muse. *Wink* Also, being able to enter more than one entry is different. *Thumbsup* I wanted to centre them on the page for aesthetic appeal but that is just me.

We can't have too many poetry contest in my book so welcome back with this one! You have inspired authors yet again to display ther craft.*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!
Eyestar


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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail abel! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you on behalf of the House Martell in the"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..*Delight*

*Delight*Oh Wow! This tale is so delightful with its sing song lyrical way and I was drawn to the cool title. It promised a unique theme and I liked the flow of the words in it. Poetry itself.

I so enjoyed the tale of the captain with his jacket and jalopy. It was fun to read loud and the flow was pretty smooth. I noticed a consistent rhyme scehme that added to the lyrical flow and drama. The rhythm count wsa ot even everywhere but it did not detract from the read. I was not sure if you were trying for a certain syllable count. It is a mix of 6/7/8/9 inconsistently but the story was interesting and dramatic. That woud be my only tweak to try for regularity in beat. but..it is really quite appealing.

You had me with the title but I loved the setting of "toadstool valley" and the jacket on the nail with the hope to get matching outfit. LOL I liked the end where he thinks he might have his day now the cap has his pies! *Laugh*

The story is creative and the dramatic tale of fishing and treasure chest is vivid and would appeal to kids. You build the action well as we do not know what is in the chest til the end. The action of the boat spinning and him throwing back the fish and saying that he hopes he can swim is quite comical.
I tripped over "listening to the wee gulls". I wanted to drop the "the" for better flow.
{chest" need to be "chests" I think.
In "captains sailing days"---you need an apostrophe to show possession. this was maybe he weakest verse. If "Lake memories" is a name, it needs capitals.
I like the verse in the middle when he gets a whiff of the pies and his mouth starts watering. I like how you put his reaction it in italics--like he just can't wait and... addicted. LOL It would make a great picture.

It is a cool place you are building here. The names of the fish in the lake are even fun. and "a junk called jalopy"! *Laugh* Might there be more goings on here, now they have met. You could do a series and maybe eventually the jacket will get his wish. Does the lady have some slickers maybe. to go with the rain jacket.? *Wink*
I could see this as a book with illustrations. Funny entertaining poem with lots of quirky details! I had a riot!*Bigsmile*

Thanks for sharing your genius with this one!*Starstruck*

Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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for entry "Inspiration" Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail April Desiree. I am happy to do a review to celebrate you on behalf of the House Martell in the"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..*Delight*

*Quill*I couldn't resist looking at another haiku/ senryu in your book. This would qualify I think as senryu as it is about human activity of writing and the wilting muse. *Wink*

I lIke the word qualifying haiku as elusive and I can so agree especailly when it comes to the challenging "cutting line" of contrasting viewpoints! *Rolleyes* It is no wonder one loses inspiration if you write it all day. LOL

Again the format is traditional with its lines and syllables and I like the first line style of word order. The sound combinations of your vocabulary makes it lovely to read and the words suit the theme effectively. Again I am not sure you need the capital letters even on haiku. Let the words just flow boundless in space so the rereader can become part of the story here.

There is a contrasting idea suggested in the last line as I see a flurry of haiku papers and the effort to find the "elusive" haiku and then the contrast of funning out of ideas.

This poem reminds me of a senryu I wrote on a similar theme--I think it was a modern version though-freer in syllable count. *Smile*

I had such fun playing in your vivid expression of a haiku author at work..er..play. *Wink* Thanks for writing in this uniuqe and elusive form.

*Star*I learn from you. Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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for entry "Allergy" Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail April Desiree! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you on behalf of the House Martell in the"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..*Delight*

I had to smile at this potent little haiku/senry. It is so evocative of the fact that thought we complain of winter, as soon as spring comes , we complain. with me it is mosquitos!! Ah!! It has a seasonal word and concerns people so I do see it as a senryu.

The form is well composed with the traditional components and is so wonderful to read aloud with its effective sound combinations! The alliteration works and adds effect. I like the word "attack" as a strong word that in its sound gives the feel of stress. The dash is aptly used and I would drop the period.

The "aha" moment or alternative view is strong and evokes the reader to consider not only if they have allergies but to the wider realm of what their issues with the new season are. We usually have them.*Smile*

I really enjoyed pondering this fine sample of this form and felt the vibe of the "aha" and invitation to be involved in the full flavour and meaning of the poem. *Starstruck*

Thanks for sharing our crafting of thei challenging form. I learn from you.
Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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for entry "Dragonfly" Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun*Hail Aprildesiree! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you on behalf of the House Martell in the"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.. Welcome back to "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.!*Delight*

I love haiku and found you have a whole book of them! *Delight* I saw my first dragonflyof the season yesterday so I chose this one to celebrate. Your poem inspired me to ponder on how dragonflies are magical as they do seem to disappear as quickly as they appear.

I like the active image of the dragonfly given in owrds like "flutters" and "disappears" The simile works too though I wonder if there is a more vivid way to describe that blueness. It is cool to think that it disappears, disguised by the blue sky. *Cool*

The haiku follows the tradtional format in its 3 lines, syllable count , nature theme and observing a brief moment in time. Usually haiku do not use captial letters except for names, and minimum punctuation and no periods. Ideally the lines are not continuous sentences but phrases the list of which provides a n "aha" moment of an alternate view. I am learning about haiku and this is the most challenging part.
Your haiku does give me a little of that as I am focused on the fluttering dragonfly and then there's nothing! Part of the msystery as we ponder where did it go in the blink of an eye.

The flow of the words is appealing though the "blue " seems to refer to "flutters" rather than the dragonfly (by the word order).

The picture you create is clear and I can visualise sitting on by the pond under clear skies watching these darting , hovering creatures who vanish in an instant. Thanks for bring ing that idyllic moment to my mind. *Smile*

Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review of I Am Sam  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Fire* HI John doe! This review is part of yourSolar Packagefrom "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.! Enjoy.

*Bird*This is an intriguing title and orignal prompt and I can see a bit of ressemblance to Seuss' SAM book in the way you speak and the set up on the page.

The voice does come across as the creation especially in the complaintive tone. I liked the idea that the character tries to sort the mess in the author's mind and needs support. *Laugh* I had to smile because writing it out as character does have this effect at times. The synonyms you use are so apt as well, eg. the evocative "platform", "sanctum", and then "outlet vindicator" is brilliant!

Author's may relate to your last lines of living in one's head. "No chance of parole" Priceless.
"Live's" should be "lives" if you mean it as a verb.

I enjoyed the style with its short lines and consistent rhyme. Effective vocabulary here too. Never would have thought of an interesting word like "enchant" to rhyme with "can"t! *Thumbsup*
There is no solid rhythm scheme but it flowed pretty smoothly . I really only tripped on verse 6 .The last line is tricky to flow with the rest. The first five verses really feel coherent and faster pace in in flow . Verse 8 and 9 fit that as well.

The poem was still fun to read with cool ideas about author relationship with character. I am not sure why you use capital letters on each word, but somehow it works and didn't bother me. *Wink*

Thanks for sharing this thought provoking poem. *Star* Keep following the muse inside or outside your mind as you write on!

eyestar
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC Carisia ! I am happy to do a reader's review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Dragon*I was fascinated by your title and theme! How original. The opening drew me right into the action and characters romantic meeting. Good show.

I am very impressed with this romantic story which was pleasant to read with its potent descriptions. The scenes, the flirty flight and relationship were vividly shown with lots of detail. I could imagine the dragon and phoenix clearly as well as their transformed counterparts. I found the love scenes naturally erotic and believeable. The transformations were seamless in the story line. I really liked the idea of the shapeshifting and your creation of visual and sensual pictures is so effective. I enjoyed how you interwove their personality traits in the narrative in the middle.

You went from real personal interplay at the start and then a more reflective as she talks as she flies. I was not destracted or thorwn out of the story by any major glitches. *Thumbsup*

The phoenix character is the speaker and you have kept the "I" voice consistent throughout , which is sometimes hard to do I hear. I enjoyed the flow of the language and the style of writing. It was moving and I can see these characters going into a continuing story.

Thanks for the entertaining and elegant expression. Keep on using your gift.*Starstruck* I loved it!

Light on the path as you write on!

Eyestar


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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC Lauryn! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

This is a unique idea for a story- a coat for a dog. I think kids would love watching the dog antics and the emotional content, especially having to be inside and just watch while others have fun. The plot is valid and the problem and solution are identifiable and simple for child's book.
Not a lot of description but I see you will depend on the pictures to fulfill the details. I wondered what type of dog it was and how big. You mention short black hair.

In reading it I thought you used the dog's name too much. You can use pronouns once you establish the dog's name rather than the name on each page especially at the start. Later in the piece, using the name felt more natural and interspaced.

The first two lines might be on one page. I like each page for the seasons. Lines 6 and seven could be one line and page as well. We don't start a line with "Because" and it feels stilted to do it this way. Also you repeat the word "winter".
eg" But, in the Winter, Echo stays inside because is much too cold to be outside. her ..hair"
I didn't really get the clarity of the next line about the "hair being warm enough" *Confused*

I like the conversation with her friend and could imagine the coat search in pictures. I think more vivid description of the fabric would help. You may need to know this for the illustrator.
The energy vibe at the end is vivid too. Active verbs like "howled", skated" are well chosen. goo dending and yourptray the feelings well.

I noticed you changed tenses from present in the beginning to past later on. "Echo sit, sniffs etc until she meets her friend and then "saw she was sad, tried on coats, sewed the coat, etc. I think you need to make it consistenf for time and coherence. It is tricky to tell a story in the present tense
*Wink*

I like the idea of the friend wanting to buy one and gives rise to an idea that she could make unique coats for everyone. LOL

Thanks for sharing this inventive dog story for kids.*Star* Well worth tweaking.

Light on the path as you write on!

Eyestar Sunspear


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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Sun*Hail Scifiwizard! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you on behalf of the House Martell in the"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..*Delight*

*Dragon*This is genius! Absolutely Brilliant! I played the song and you nailed it almost perfectly with your rendition of Frozen as a tribute to CSFS. I was there at the beginning of CSFS and you have really captured the essence of this fantasy crew and what it means to you! I could feel the pride and I feel good having once been a part of it! If I had time to offer I'd come back! This is a roaring invite to people to come by.

One typo: near the end in "it doesn't matter.." you have "mater". *Wink* and "SCFS" in the second chorus.
What can I say? I am so impressed.

Ideas that there is room to share what you once hid away, that you will be inspired by the comraderie, that it is home and free to join and" single thought explodes into a story" and that fantasy is alive to day are so relevant for the topic and the group vibe. I had to smile at the "mature person" line. mm! How to describe fantasy folks? *Wink*

In trying to sing with the music a few spots may not quite gel but depending on how to interpret the phrasing. I sang it with the music a few times as I think it rocks!
I think you could drop "in" in the last verse.
The second line in verse two and verse 3 were tricky but if youre quick..LOL.
The line "join up, you'll be free" felt a little long in flow. Maybe "Join up, and feel free".

I so loved playing with this I wonder how long it took to create this superb lyric! *Starstruck*

Thaks for the great entertainment. It made my night!*Delight*

Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review of The Crack  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC Hingle ! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Bird*The stark simple title drew my attention from the Newbie Page. This is a cool story and interseting in that it is real. I got absorbed in the character's observations and attraction to try to discover what was in the crack! How annoying and mystifying especially as we still don't know what it was.

Your details in describing the house with its poles and railings were specific and important to the story to set out that the stairs and poles were sound and you could see nothing amiss. I owndered if others in the house heard the the noise or could the noise have been in come other part but echoes through the pole. I know mice can fit in really small places-surprisingly.

I like how the character is obssessed with the crack mystery and could see your idea of this becoming a horror story. I think my mind would be bugged about not knowing what on earth it is. Your description of his wondering is factual with an objective voice. That it spurred your imagination to story telling--could be clue of your muse to write! I have thing about spiders and they wul doften show up when I was writing so one day I talked to it and it told me ahorrific tale--my first and last! LOL What if you just let the crack speak and see what comes out of the nowhere.
Could be cool! *Wink* or is it insane to talk to cracks? LOL

Creepy ending here and I can see why you would think that. *Thumbsup*You could really re-do this as a scarey story. It kinda reminds me of that Hitchcock piece about a spider who comes back largerand larger in the man's mind after he washes it down the sink! He dies of fright-but from his own imagination. That stuck with me for years when I'd see a spider.

Thanks for sharing this anecdote and for the hint that it is true. I'm glad you think the mystery is exciting.! lizards, bugs, unknown rustling creatures in cracks. Yikes! *Bigsmile* But I guess you are bigger than they are. Just be glad it ws in your bed post! You'd never sleep.

Keep on following your msue through the cracks in reality! Eyestar

Light on the path as you write on!
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Review of A Magic Garden  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun*Hail Bob! Welcome to WDC! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you on behalf of the"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" Open in new Window.and House Martell in the"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..*Delight*

*Flowerb* The title and theme of magic is appealing so I had to check it out from the Read A Newbie Page. Your real life anecdote at the beginning is sad--how fire can destroy. Isn't it a marvel how with the bad can come inspiration? True magic , really. *Star*
The paragraph is well written and has good detail and gives background to the inspiring poem. Great thinking who ever put the sprinkler on the roof. Wow!

I loved reading the poem about the garden. It has a lyrical quality with consistent rhyme and flows well. The idea of it being hidden adds to the possibilities of fairies and water sprites etc. The opening verse sets the place vividly and lends itself to the imagination's wanderings that follow. The query in the last verse invites us to consider the similarity of a child with elder wisdom, if we can get past the jaded view of the practical world. We all have ability to dream and wonder. Nature is a natural place to incite and inpsire such dreams.

The rhythm/syllables is not even in every verse but it does not detract from the read as it flows fairly smoothy.
I stumbled a bit on the last verse to catch the similar rhythm in the first two lines. They seem short somehow. It is wonderful and vital conclusion to the poem. *Thumbsup* It has a wishful vibe.

Thank you so much for crafting this charming tale to honour nature and the unseen beings, for following your muse in devestation's wake. Nature is a healer.
Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Sun*Hail Angus! I am happy to do a reader's review to celebrate you on behalf of the House Martell in the"King's Landing updating " Open in new Window..*Delight*

*Laugh*OMG! This was an entertaining and amazing creative story and I was riveted right to the end. Your description of this muse character was so funny and vivid and the dialogue between the two characters was so natural and purposeful. I could hear the intonations and emotional tone of each. They were so real.
I like the beginning in the home setting of an author when this Quex enters. You describe him and keep us hooked we do not know who he is and the nature of the relationship until later. I had a good laugh. That is quite a muse you have!

The story shows the relationship between the author and his quirky muse and is a good excuse for writer's block if the muse is off somewhere.
The concept that now he wants his rights is hilarious and the ending is awesome. We don't know what will happen bu the is hopeful LOL

The story moves at a good pace and I could really get a sense of the space, setting, characters' physical reactions as they carry the conflict and conversations. Inventive idea about how the story is writing while they talk and that he ahs to hide it before the muse deletes it is funny and makes sense for the character.

The characters are well developed as I could hear them --it felt like a script or play but with more coherent flow in the background narrative.
I was not thrown out in any part of the story and it progressed seamlessy with its little twists.

This delightful Humourous tale told in a serious manner deserved its nomination to Quills!*Starstruck* It really captivated me and I got involved in the story. Good show.

Thanks for sharing your craft! I learn from you.*Smile*
Highest regards and light on the path as you Write on! *Sun*
eyestar

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Review of The Streak  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Bird* HI Jace! I needed a laugh and here I am! The title caught my attention. Intriguing.

*Delight*LOL! This was too funny and to think that it happened for real is hilarious. Really? *Shock* I do remember hearing that song though I did not know it had caused a real life phenonmenon. *Cool*

The story is in the Experience category so I am taking that there is some truth here. You effectively sett up the background story of the song, in case folks were not familair with it, and used the setting of your University days to show how young people took up the "streaking" warmup. It was funny in itself so when you say it was a 'warmup" we are expecting even more hilarity. Good call here. The setting of the next event was actually quite unexpected. Who would have thought it?

The details gave a vivid and personal account of the event and the narration was observational and objective in viewpoint. I liked the style withit s longer sentences and organiziation of the writing was coherent and easy to follow.

Descriptions for both settings gave me a sense of place and I could really imagine the barracks. You show the military tactic procedure as efficient except until the man fell. I liked how you bring in the military critique and language to make it fit the theme of streaking through barracks. A hilarious incident and yet you make it like an exercise to learn strategy from. And that it proved a miliatry point! Brilliant! LOL I would like to know what the ladies thought or did or reacted. And the fallen comrade. *Laugh*

Well deserved win int he contest. Too funny! Thanks for sharing your unique gift. *Starstruck*

eyestar
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*Sun**BalloonP* HI Naomi! I found this lovely piece on the Random Reads! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

This is a charming story of a young man telling a bedtime story to his little brother. I really enjoyed the conversation and interplay between these two characters and it felt real when the little one interrupts to ask questions and feigns sleep as he is so excted to hear the story. I admire the brother's aptitude to create the story, which was quite detailed and easy to follow.

The story structure was organized and it was easy to follow the story within the story the interspersed conversations were natural and added to the drama and tension. The boy's questions helped guide the story and made me feel like I was like him--the listener. It involved me in the story. onlooker. HIs reactions to the story at differenrt places was well done and as a child might do. You really capture the essence of the caring of the elder for the younger throughout the story. Good show! *Heart*

The opening invited me in and the setting was vividly shown as were the two boys. You leave us a mystery as to why it was long week. I like the exotic names.

The story of the Wizard and the tamer searching for the seahorse was detailed and quite well developed. I liked the unexpected twist that the quest did not turn out as the Tamer desired and thus set up for another quest. A great hook to continue the story. *Smile*

I liked the end of the tale as well that reflects how precious the little brother is by the reference in the last line and the medallion. Evocative and well conceived.
I see where you could expand or continue the Tamer's tale!

Thanks for sharing this inventive tale and your gift! *Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!



Eyestar

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1442
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI Gervic! I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

The title and theme of this poem is reminscent of Robert' Frost's Poem "The road less Travelled." and I really enjoyed your unique version.
I ponderd how one would journey "through" a divergent road. *Smile*

You have shown the essence of one's pondering which road to take while in chaotic state. Verse three has wonderful vivid imagery and drew my attention to the rougher road. Well done.

The tone is philosphical and road weary.

The poem has a good rhyme scheme which assists the flow and the rhythm is not even though verse three is well done for even flow. A few lines could use some tightening up in flow . I tripped over the second line in verse one. Would simply saying "I walked down..road" or something active instead of the passive "I found myself..." Also I wanted to say " I saw neither sign" rather than the word "got" . Picky me. *Wink*

In verse 2 the second line I felt was short and stunted. OOps. I noticed a typo too "destine" should be "destined". I like the idea here.*Smile*
Line 1 in verse 4 was longer too but blended. The repeating of teh "burdened" line is effective for closing out and reconnecting with the beginning. like a cycle. Interesting expression is "left none a track". I like it! *Wink*

The theme is so relevant as in life we all come to these crossroads in many ways. Taking the path less chosen often times creates many more opportunities and gives one an original view and outcome from others making conditioned choices.

Thanks for sharing this cool rendition of the famous poem. I can imagie it was challenging.*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

eyestar
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1443
1443
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC D I Harrison! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

I was drawn to the title and the unique and interesting topic. The idea of letting this ceramic bowl found in the aftermath of Hiroshima explosion stand as symbollic tribute is moving and original. *Thumbsup*

The image of the bowl is well described in detail, both before and after the explosion damage. Vivid contrast adds to the emotional appeal and emphasizes the theme. The aside verse telling ho wit needs to be fired is so effective as it hits home in the next verse where it is refired at the same temp in the explosion. Brilliant. *Sun* Adding your next comparison to the bodies is so dramtaic and hits home.
The concept of "won't solidify again " is so clinical yet wow!! Vibrant and makes the point. How sad!

I enjoyed the sounds of the lines describing the melted pot. You make it sound more exotic than the original form. Well done.
I like the use of the word "unpriceable" instead of "priceless" as it speaks to the larger idea of human life being beyond price.

I notice a typo in the first line "somewhen". Maybe "somewhere". Also, in verse 3--"dropped (out of) sunny.."

Also, You speak of the bowl in present tense both in the thirties and in the 3rd verse, then in the past..
eg. still sits when ..dropped...gave it a second.."'then, "coagulates" is present again.
Generally try to stick to one tense if you can. Maybe change all the second verse verbs to present. The present tense does give it some sense of drama.

The free style verses suit the content with its historical flavour and potent emotional atmospshere. Punctuation assisted the read.

I really enjoyed htis tribute and reminder of this horrific event and using a simple little bowl in a home of some innocent family made it so powerful a picture that it does indeed evoke sympathy and pondering about man's actions. Thank you for shing this moving tribute!*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!


Eyestar Sunspear from "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
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1444
Review of Tapestry  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC Jacob! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

Wow! This is a wonderful weaving in which I felt the poet's melancholy and resignation to give up on love. I loved the last lines and the evocative imagery of "sewn, torn, sewn". *Thumbsup*

The imagery and voice is vivid and potent and drew me into the drama of thoughts. The use of the sand and sun in your poem was effective and concepts Like "universal". love as unpheavel" and the repeated cycle of love's trap" are so apt for the theme of lost love and trials of relating.

I enjoyed the rhyme scheme and free style structure and even the different line lengths added to the mood.

I didn't notice a specific rhythm and when reading aloud there were a few places felt out of sync.
Longer lines as in verse 1 . line 3, I would drop "outside" to even the flow:
verse 3. line 2 {the word "repeatedly" threw me off as well. adverbs with "ly" are not really poetic.) and
line 4 in verse 6"catching...my hand". You could say "but not warmth in my hand" to tighen it up.

This was complex weave and worth tweaking to tighten it up. The message is vitally expressed and I could fee the heaviness of the atmosphere throughout the expression. Well done. *Smile*

Thank you for sharing your gift with WDC. Keep following your muse!

Light on the path as you write on!


Eyestar Sunspear from Martell House in "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
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Review of Existing  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC K-girl! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

Wow! This is an amazing inventive story that stands by itself or could continue on. I really liked the premise of using the power of thought and your charcters were believable. Lots of details made them and the setting vivid and kept me involved in the story. Iliked the oldman's personality shown through his speech and expressions.

The dialogue was natural and fit the characters' voices. It broke up the narrative for variety and added drama. I would put her inner thoughts in italics too fo differentiate from spoken words.

I would have liked to have seen a more dramatic or active opening line to draw our interest right from the start.

I really enjoyed the creative ideas like the closed door, the fact noone saw the book store, the powerful ability to make things disappear.

You do not indicate why the book store exists and who the old man was --his backstory except to say he had made some mistakes with is gift and that he had seen her with the gift as a child. and that he kept away people from the store so he could leave without attracting attention. Good idea. There are lot so places here which merit a sequel or prequel. LOL I want to know more.

I t was surprising too that she found out she could do and then at he end fo rhim to disappear without mentoring her. it gives the impression she has to learn from experience. You have her make a good point about being only 19 and having a store. I am curious now what she will do and does she get back to the book store or was it all in her mind. Very evocative ending! *Cool*

Good descriptions even of the wet in the streets and her movements add depth and realism to the tale.

This was rivieting and unique story and kept me entertained as a reader. I loved the last bit with the mysterious sand scrawl and last message. Excellent!*Starstruck*

Light on the path as you write on!



Eyestar Sunspear from Martell House in "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
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1446
1446
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC Aiden ! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Bird*I found this on the Read A Newbie page I like august time of year so I was curious to read your description from whereever you are. Youhave some wonderful mouth waters phrases to describe elements of the august earth with vibrant colour and movement. The imagery is potent: flimsy stem of fragile leaves" riding the current", the jigssaw puzzle, feahery clouds. *Smile* The sentences were long and flowing with a rich and alliterative soundscape. My favouite was the last paragrpah with the birds. *Smile*

Adverbs like "graciously" are not really vivid descriptive in real sense. What would that look like as a picture?
The word "experienced" threw me out a little as it does not feel prosaic but logical of scientific. Even "prima ballerina" gets your point across more smoothly. One doesn't get to be prima unless experienced. *Wink* I thing you mean Laying dormant" for "Latin".
I was totally thrown off by "archaic infinitude". *Confused* It seemed like a mouthful and I didn't get it. *Rolleyes* Felt heavy.

Don't ya hate pesky typos? {"o the fleeting">>"of", "beans" a typo for "beams"? "ion wispy">>"in wispy"?*Wink*, "lot the terrain ">>"dot".

Impressive piece of writing and I enjoyed reading it aloud. Fun. *Smile*

Light on the path as you write on!

*RainbowL*A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " Open in new Window.!*RainbowR*


Eyestar Sunspear from Martell House in "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
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1447
1447
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC Lauryn Rose. I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

I enjoyed reading this draft of this delightful children's story and could imagine it as a picture book. You don't give much description of the characters but with a picture book it will be apparent.

I liked the beginning where she is bored with all of her things until she spies the upcake wrappers. I could see her as she flopped on the bed.
The progression the story makes sense and the repeating parts are well done as she keeps trying to solve the problem. I could see the pictures where we sit with her behind the cupcake stand so we do not sse the blank sign til her mom does at the end. That way children could come up with potential reasons why they are not selling. Great discussions and imagination.

Watch using adverbs like"sadly". Better to show a vivid description. "what would sadly look like." You have her sniffling and that is a vivid clue.*Thumbsup* We know she is sad from that and when you add the picture we will see it. How does one "laugh quietly".*Wink*

I was wondeirng if the line before mom tells her aboout the sign is needed as it gives the punchline away a bit--like we know what 's coming. I like the way she see the tabel and cupcakes and then maybe you could have her see what was wrong without telling us. eg "but then she saw it, or saw what was wrong" rather than give it away.
The next line is potent and her "gasp" is vivid.

I wondered if the setting was in the country as if it was a side walk in town folks walking by would be sure to notice someone sitting there with cupcakes and check it out. is she attracting walkers or drivers. Oh the logic that just came up. LOL

I had to laugh at the end as it is plausible and unexpected!*Smile*

A few typos /suggestions as I read the draft: :
"tired to painting." >>"of"
In "cupcake...her mom had bought her"--you could leave off the "her" to tighten it up.
"then shouted for her mom"-- I thought here you could just stop at shouted as in the next line you say "mom..". It would lead nicely into the dialogue. Also, you have too "then" s in the sentence. "and shouted " suffices not to have run on. I would look at other places wehre you say and then"--do you really need it. eg. "and then decorated.." Keep it simple.
"shinning" needs to be "shining"
"wont" is "won't"

The story was entertaining and will makea great visual book with all the yummy cupcakes in increasing yumminess. and the mess of the kitchen--er well both characters seem very organized and neat. Nice quirk!
Peanut butter a good choice as kids might think that so many are allergic to peanuts they wouldn't buy them. and lemon isn't as popular with kids. but chocolate! yes! so the mystery gets more mysterious with each cupcake.*Thumbsup*
( Too bad it has raspberry it is! *Sad* I don't like my chocolate mixed wth berry of any kind. *Bigsmile* but that is just me *Wink*

Good premise and well organized progression of events. Thanks for the entertainment and smiles! *Starstruck*

Keep at it and good luck with this piece.

Light on the path as you write on!



Eyestar Sunspear from Martell House in "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
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1448
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Review of A Spring Haiku  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Treepine*Greetings! Thank you so much for entering the "Haiku Hunt Contest" Open in new Window.! *Delight* Here I am with my brief comments on your shining entry.

HI Maryann. What a bright and colourful haiku page celebrating spring! You have a gift for aesthetically appealing pages.*Smile*
Traditionally haiku are plainly presented so that the words convey the entirety of the message the reader can consider the image within his own mind. Still this is fun. *Cool*

The poem portrays a vivid image of spring morning as flowers begin ot open after nights sleep and scents begin to rise. The word "wakes" give me a time of day but also with "garden" a time of year: spring! Good word choice. the bit of personification of the honeysuckle as shy is evocative as well. I am not sure traditional haiu uses this technique but it did give me a fanciful vision. I imagined the flowers in the Alice in Wonderland cartoon..

The poem follows the haiku format of 3 lines, apt syllables and nature theme. I didn't experience a very strong aha moment of the contrasting view point. I think the vision of flower peeking does contrast to the scent idea but didn't feel the vibe where I could see another perspective. I am still learning the form and this is the most challenging part to get.

The "will follow" seems to speak of the next moment. I thought Haiku was to capture clearly one moment in time.
I loved the vibrancy of the image and the word choice with sound combinations was pleasant to read aloud. I did enter into the picture with my imagination and it does portray the essence of spring! *Starstruck* I learn from your observations!

Thanks for sharing your craft and entering in to the high tone world of haiku. Well done!
Good luck in the contest! *Shamrock*

eyestar

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1449
1449
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC musingink! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Bird*Ok , I had to check it out on the Read A Newbie page because I thought it was unique topic for a poem! *Thumbsup*
I had a good laugh at the incredible journey of this poor slinky! *Laugh* Brilliant conception!

You have a vivid imagination as indicated by the trials you put it through--gnome with a piece on the side, bovine horn, quicksand to end its life. A pretty wierd yet sensible course of events. I love the increasing nonsensical sequence. *Thumbsup*

Using references to Santa's sack, Barbie and Ken and the cow over the moon was a fun choice.

The poem is written in rhyming couplets and your rhymes included a nice variety of different words like "directive" "detective" shelves" "elves" etc.

The descriptions were vivid and the vocabulary chosen for the slinky's movements etc were right on!

If I was to tweak it I would try to even up the rhythm within the couplets so they match in syllable flow for an smoother oral reading.
Also in verse 1 "rather" is weak descriptor. In verse 2 "shatter" should be "shattered"

Overall, I was highly entertained and bow to your sense of the nonsensical. *Starstruck* Write on...next chapter..slinky in the underworld! *Wink*



Light on the path as you write on!

Eyestar Sunspear from Martell House in "King's Landing updating " Open in new Window.
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1450
1450
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Sun**BalloonP*Welcome to WDC Harmony! I am happy to do a review with to celebrate you!*Delight*

*Bird*I found your story by cruising the Read A Newbie Page and the title word "avatars" caught my interest. So here I am.

The story has mythological vibe and I like the dramtaic entrance of the Avatar in the beginning.we do not really kn whwo they are and one seems more in touch with the human world at this point and is trying to convince Sophia to re join them. You do not really explain their background much but this may be part of a bigger story. Interesting to know about.

I was drawn into their interaction and the characters were vividly portrayed through description and dialogue. I could identify with the emotional nuances of Sophia and the pshychology of it felt true as she struggled through her angst . so like a lost soul, wanting to be saved but not trusting it could be, not even with a friend! You don't say directly who the water god is but I get the idea that there are higher gods.
A little background unfolds as you go along that there is a hieracrchy and these lesser beigns are trying to stick together somehow. We are not sure why. I like the cryptic ending of how they will do it without her. A great ending to make one want to read the rest of the story.

The descriptions of setting and charcter were vivid as well. I could really see her in her element! Very strong personality but defensive and torn. A good contrast to the calm earth caring male character.

I really enjoyed reading this episode and it kept me entertained to the end. *Starstruck* A lot of good material that could be expanded ! Thanks for sharing your creativity!

Light on the path as you write on!



Eyestar Sunspear
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