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Review of I am who I am  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi again, Gentle Fella

While I was here, I wanted to read another and chose this one because of the title.

This is beautiful! It reads easy and sweet, and I love the words you've chosen. I'm sure your friend appreciates it.

I don't see anything wrong with it at all, and believe you've done a wonderful job here. You're good at what you've chosen to write; there is a talent.

well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hi, Gentle Fella, *Smile*

I apologize for taking so long to get to this one, it's been one of those months.

I like this poem. It brought a sadness to me; I felt this character's remorse and sorrow.

Is it things I have seen,
Or wrongs not made right?
Did I break someone's heart;
Forsaken the light?

These are my favorite lines and they set the tone of the piece, I've felt this myself.

It reads well, smooth. I noticed no bumps at all. I don't know much about poetry, but I know when the ryhthm and rhyme are good, and this one is. The message is clear too.

This is enjoyable to read; thank you for asking me. I noticed no problems at all.

Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

The first thing I noticed was there are no spaces between the paras. Indents are required on paper and they are nice on monitors, but spaces are also needed for ease of reading.

I like the way this opens. It grabbed my attention right away. Good job with the hook.

At one end was a hole the size of a pencil. And at the other end were the words
This caused a small bump for me because it isn't entirely clear. At one end of what? The box or the paper taped on top?

he was always fantasizing about mythical creatures, of unicorns and dragons. He had always thought of superheroes
Be aware of repeating too closely; we all do it because that's the way we think, (at least for me). You could leave one and cut the other. I suggest cutting the first two words. ==he fantasized about== sounds tighter and smoother to me.

But somehow, they were all hiding from him
This line doesn't do anything for the story. I think it could be cut completely.

And now that he was all grown-up
Read this line without the bolded one and see how it sounds to you. If you agree it sounds better I suggest cutting it.

"It's wonderful!" Aunt Celia commented, a tad too lame for her remark
It doesn't sound lame with the exclamation mark added. If you removed that, it would sound lame.

I want to spread goodness
This doesn't sound like a seven-year-old. Would he really say this?

then disappeared and the door was shut closed
These words are redundant. What about --shut tight-- or something?

button-down polo shirt
an unecessary bump. A polo shirt is usually a knit pull-over; no buttons. Readers don't need this info do they?

He smiled again that weird smile
Again? Weird? This is the first mention of it so 'again' is a bump. Try to describe 'weird' so the readers will see it too. It's not easy from a seven-year-old's point of view. Weird is a good word for him, but not descriptive enough. Connect it clearly with him looking at the girl with love. *Smile*

and promised a new building alongside the empty lot near the basketball covered court
I think you meant --on-- the empty lot, not beside it.
--covered basketball court-- is more accurate a phrase.

He is very glad that someone has finally visited him."
This line goes directly to the change and leaves the readers wondering what happened. I believe if you gave more of a transition it would be clearer. Perhaps show the boy handing the box to Mr. Herrera?

The Herrera Charity Foundation donated hundreds
The entire paragraph starting with this line is good; it's inspiring and makes the reader feel good. Good character.

*Flower1**Flower6**Flower3*


I don't like the ending. This was a feel-good, inspiring piece all the way through but the ending killed the mood. I think if you left it with more of a moral it would work better. Perhaps catch the aunt trying to do this, but failing. My opinion only, but it would better fit the tone of the story.

Why was a seven-year-old living by himself? That isn't very realistic, especially since he had money. He would have a guardian. It's okay though, you don't have to give him a guardian. *Smile*

I like the story; it's written well and it remains interesting all the way. You're a good writer. The boy was sensitive and I liked him. The aunt didn't appear long but she was well done too. I could see her and her bad personality clearly. Good job with the characters.

My feedback is offered in an attempt to help the writer only, and they are only my opinions. I hope some of it is useful to you. *Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Beavers Creek  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi, mock *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

I love your brief description! It really caught my interest.

The wind pushed against the heavy clouds and they were like massive gray ghosts sliding on.
I suggest you work on this line again, it just doesn't sound quite right to my ears. The end words --sliding on--
are bumps for me, they don't give the imagery I think you're trying for. If they were cut, it would sound better. You have quite a number of references to the clouds, you could cut this line safely, to avoid overdoing it. Your decision.

The moaning of the wind through the trees sounded like souls in constant, tortuous pain.
This is good! I can hear this wind.

The snow lay fallen , a thick carpet of powder
This line could be smoother with the bolded word cut. It isn't necessary for clarity and you could say simply:
--
the snow lay as a thick carpet...--It's always your choice, and I always advise you to use your own words, my words are to help explain what I mean only.

It was said that there were wolves in the pines
This line is pretty long and difficult to follow. If you could make two they would sound better, I think.

It fixed him in a baleful stare, its eyes seemingly red and silver at the same time and the wolf had snarled, strings of saliva drooling from its jaw, its lips curled up revealing its sharp white canines.
Wow, what a great line! The image is good, scary.
The bolded words can be cut to make the line tighter and stronger. --seemingly--because this rarely a good descriptive. --had--isn't needed. --and-- could be cut and the line ended here with a period.

and the echoes of the splashes of the creatures of the creek.
If you're going to keep ths one long sentence, I suggest you cut the bolded words and replace with --echoed--of the splashes...for a smoother read.

(good hard ice, perfect for skating) swallowing
I like these interjections of thought through-out, but be aware of how many times they're used and don't overdo them. Parentheses can get in the way and pull the readers out of your fictional world. Keep the reading easy and flowing to hold the readers.

recently settled about a couple of years ago in Beavers Creek after a messy divorce with her ex-husband.
The bolded words could be cut. Read the line aloud without them and see how it sounds to your ears.

and she wouldn’t think of reporting her would she and if she tried well he would
A typo here, should be --him--. I noticed a couple more typos you will find when you read through again.

cemetery, which was in a kind natural hollow and surrounded by silver birches
To help tighten the line, this word could be cut. It would read fine without it.

whole cinema area was now a jungle of weeds and the whole area had a sense of
Be careful of repeating words and phrases too close together. The reader will notice the words and be pulled from the story. You don't want that. I've noticed this done quite a bit throughout. *Smile*

and two large and now rusted signs which warned about the danger
--now--is used a lot in this piece, along with a few other words. I just want to draw your attention to them.

Now, which, had, and, which was,
are the ones I've noticed the most. Try to cut as many as you can; substitute if you must, but most can be cut with no substitute to avoid wordiness.

Next to the creek bank further downstream of Beavers dam at the edge of the pines, Jim lay in a state of
This is a good paragraph, full of horror and good imagery. But the long lines and lack of punctuation make it difficult to read and understand. Read it aloud and shorten where you can. Use more periods.

You are a good writer! This is a good beginning and it definitely held my interest. You could go in many directions with this list of characters.

You've written several 'teasers' here that I would love to see more of.

Be aware of the tendency of wordiness and repeating. Both will cause a good story to become boring by the second chapter. 'Beaver's Creek' is repeated almost too much. *Smile*

Feedback is offered in an attempt to help the author, I hope you find some of this useful. I enjoyed the story.

Welcome and enjoy the site!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Atomic Fire  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

This one is a serious topic, I don't know if it is supposed to be enjoyed. I don't hide my head in the sand, but I don't like to read about this in poetry either. *Smile* Did you have a specific audience in mind?

The imagery is pretty well done.

The world littered
with fierce, jagged edges.
Our fears, fire-fused by colliding idealogies.
If I had to choose the best lines, it would be these. Hard, realistic truth is usually not pretty. These words set the tone of the piece well.

I noticed no technical issues.

Well done!

If you have any questions about the site, just ask.

Be sure to subscribe to the "Invalid Item"  on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of Treading Water  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

I like this piece. It reads fast and easy, and it's content is enjoyable. Many will relate to the topic I think.

I only have a couple of suggestions.

wallpaper and carpet samples and sample fabrics
To avoid repeating the word --sample--,which keeps the line from reading smoothly, to me; you could change the line a little. --carpet and fabric samples--. What do you think?

Placing a space between each paragraph will help the reviewers too. *Smile*

Well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the "Invalid Item"  on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

esprit
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Review of Ashling  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi, *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

You've done a pretty good job of showing the game from the child's imaginative view. I don't think the author's note is necessary. You shouldn't have to explain this.

Her husband, the king, stood beside her
This sounds a little off. Do you have to idenify him as the king? Could you leave it at --her husband-, since the queen's husband is commonly known as the king?

he too watched the battle folding out before them
The bolded words are awkward to the ear; the phrase is commonly said as --unfold-- before them...

The queen spun around in shock
This complete line is wonderful! It gives a great image.

The brief description isn't addressed.
The story isn't complete as it stands now. You haven't the story elements; plot, problem, crisis, resolution. My rate reflects this.

It's a pretty good scene, though a bit wordy. You could trim and tighten to make it smoother, if you decide to leave it as a scene only. It's always your choice not to use any suggestions from your feedback. *Smile* It is only offered to help you see from another readers view.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Unicorn *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This is very good for a first attempt. It's interesting and it held my attention.

The characters are pretty good, though I'm not drawn to any of them strongly.


Amal stayed at her side the entire day.
I know in reality kids can attach themselves to someone by seeing their goodness inside, but this needs details. What did she say to him? What drew him to her? Show him following her during the day to draw the readers in.

The ending is sufficient, leaving the readers to wonder what his decision was.

The piece is written in a quiet tone, with no excitement to stir things up a bit. Some readers will find it too bland for their tastes, others will love it. *Smile* I enjoyed it but I suggest you work on the emotions to give it more life.

You've described the settings well, I could see them. I could see and hear the crowded day-room.

Keep practicing with different styles and I'll read another of your works soon. I know this one is a year old and it's good you're getting it back out again.

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Review of Allyna  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, Kylisty *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

I'm seeing a lot of stories begin this way. They are popular but not too original. That's okay though, you will be making it original by being creative. I look forward to seeing where you take it.

Some things I noticed.

One day a group of the villagers decided it was time to do what must be done.
This line could be cut safely because all it does is 'tell' the readers something that they can plainly 'see' in the next para.

They came in broad daylight, weapons drawn and bloodlust in their eyes.
This is good. You know, I believe this would make a much better opening para. It has action immediately to draw the readers in.

The first two paras are not good openers because they are only describers.

I think much of the first two paras could be trimmed drastically, with only the needed information placed in as needed; perhaps as she pondered her situation the next day. Especially her personal observations on her looks. She wouldn't be thinking of 'her kissable lips'. Leave that to another character to observe later.

of what a good child she had been
Would she really be thinking this? It sounds odd and has nothing to do with moving the story forward. It could be cut safely to avoid wordiness, if you chose to.

They had been the most wonderful, loving, and caring parents.
I suggest cutting these bolded words. They make the line read as if it were going to go on and say more, but it doesn't. They are extra words.

She had been innocent, even though she was different than the other children, none seemed to care.

Be aware of sentence structure. Read the bolded lines together without the middle. You're not saying this, but it comes out like you are. --none seemed to care that she had been innocent--. You could put a period after --innocent--, and the next line would be clear.

Her mother gently caressed her face, a look of sorrow crossing her face.
I suggest you cut the bolded word to avoid repeating too close

trying to clear these bitter thoughts from her mind. She forced herself to her feet, groaning as she slowly rose.
I suggest cutting the bolded line to make it tighter. The words aren't necessary because on down the line --she slowly rose--; which says the same thing as --forcing herself to her feet--. Redundency causes boredom, and the bolded words are 'telling', where the next are 'showing'.

was a human, her father a katrin
Which were the villagers?

Pay attention to the beginning word of each sentence and be sure to vary it. You have many that begin with --She--

And so, after foraging some berries and roots for her breakfast
Showing her doing this with details and imagery would help the readers see.

With no destination in mind, she let her feet wander where they would.
I like this as an ending to the chap. It helps the reader see her as a strong, capable girl. She is troubled, but doesn't give in.


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Review of A Desert Oasis  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, jburgesscst *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

I like this first para! It pulled me in immediately, good job!

He reached the front door and unlocked it with his keys. Before he could bring himself to open it he paused;
Read this line without the bolded area. Do readers need to know this? It is a small distraction and I believe would read smoother with it cut. You could make it one sentence by inserting the word --but--

It's a good descriptive line. It shows this character's state of mind well.

This is a good scene. The setting can be seen, the messy room, the couch. Wonderful imagery!

The emotion is well done from all three characters, it's realistic.

I look forward to reading more of your short stories, you're a good author!

I hope you're finding your way around the site okay. Any questions, just ask. That's why we're here. *Smile*

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of The Gift  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, *Smile*

I found this on the side column and the title caught my attention. *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

This is a sweet, gentle tribute to your son. You wrote it from the heart and the emotion shows. There is a bit of worry and anxiouness, and a lot of hope. You did a good job with it.

Well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of Instant Paradise  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 
Honest opinions please! Does this piece have potential if made into a novel?

My answer to your question is Yes. It promises excitement, romance and a change to the character's life.

It's a good beginning. I do think the character needs more building though. We know almost nothing about her. Only snips and hints that leave questions.

Some things I noticed.

Closing her eyes she could feel the hard pavement
I don't have a suggestion here; I just worry about her crossing a busy street with her eyes closed. Why did she do that? *Smile*

working in the Cafeteria at the College,
You have a tendency toward wordiness, as we all do. Some of these could be cut to make a tighter line. 'working in the college caferteria' is one example.

she couldn't help at smile at this young
This word is a bump. Did you try --but--?

On a travel website, trying to find the cheapest flight to Chicago for Thanksgiving, Chelsea decided to visit her Grandmother over the holidays.
This sentence doesn't read smoothly to me. Read the bolded words only, together; do you see what it actually says? I suggest beginning the line with the character deciding to visit, and then move on to the website. The order would be more correct.

Check your sentences for clarity. Some are way too long, and cover more then one thought. They could be made into two for smoother reading.

Glancing at her watch, it was Nine o’clock.
The capital on Nine doesn't need to be there.
A word seems to be missing after --watch-- maybe, 'she saw', 'she noted', something to clarify the line.

Jumping in the shower,
I know you're probably not ready for editing feedback, but I list them as I see them for you to use as you need to.

--in--needs to be changed to --into--. If you read this aloud, you will notice why this word makes a big difference in the meaning of the line. *Smile*

she knew just what she needed to do
This is good, it shows a change in her. Readers don't know what caused her to come to this decision. A few details scattered through the story might make this change more understandable.

Searching frantically for a pen
This is the first indication of excitement. The tone so far has been one of acceptance.

Each time any info is given the reader it is tacked onto other info. The result is we don't learn a lot about the character. More time needs to be spent in this area. Can you put the reader inside her head so we can hear her thoughts? We need to know her in order to care about her.

Don't think the rate I give means the story is badly done, it isn't! It only means it needs work, as all do at this stage of the write. My feedback is offered in help, I hope it does. I see the potential for a good story, and hope you continue to work on it.

Well done!

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Review of alone, not lonely  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Marie

I read your piece on Brief Descriptions linked in the Newbie Newsletter and decided to visit your port. This title hooked me in at once.

I can sure relate to these words. While everyone could use a 'welcome silence' from time to time; I need it to revamp my spirit. *Smile*

I enjoyed reading this and noticed no obvious problems. Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Nick *Smile*

I saw a review of your Ode to Everthing on the public page which caused me to read it; then, your link to this one pulled me over here.

You've quite an imagination and you use it well. You have a lot of fun with your writing I see. *Smile*

What are you doing?
Your reading this STILL!

Your making me SHOUT
These are both ---you're--.

This piece will be posted on "Invalid Item" 

A fun read, well done!

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Review of Huckleberries  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

I enjoy reading biographical short stories, and this one was great! You did a good job of pulling the reader along on the trip. I look forward to reading more of these.

Some things I noticed as I read.

Add a space between each paragraph for easier online reading. Readers may be okay with only indents, but reviewers also need a space.

For just a moment, time seemed to stand still. The snake hesitated, the boys froze and even the leaves stopped moving, as the wind hushed.
This is pretty good tension!

the boys froze
I suggest adding more personal emotion to bring the surprise to life. 'hearts stopped' 'hearts pounded' 'breathing stopped' Something to do with them personally to pull the readers in tight.

head that gleamed like a new penny.
Good imagery! This paints a good picture.

and the uppermost thought on his mind was not what you would think it would be.
Readers don't like to be told what to think. Most of the narrative is 'telling', when what you want to do is 'to show'.

he was very afraid, but it hadn’t occurred to him yet that he might be bitten. He was trying to avoid

Do you see how you are 'telling' the readers what they should see through emotional dialouge and action?

Read all you can find on how to 'show, not tell,' and practice it every time you write. It's needed even only non-fiction biographicals. *Smile*

They didn’t wash the berries!
I like this section. It's realistic and yucky! Good job!

This is well written and clear, and it reads well. The bland tone though, is more like an essay than a short story. Since I like short stories better, and you listed this as Short Story, my feedback suggestions are leaning in that direction. *Smile* You could use dialouge more often to bring this to life. Don't worry about mixing a little fiction in to cover some loose spots.

Well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

I really enjoyed the first read-through. The emotions are strong and my interest was held. It's a good, well thought-out story.

Some things I noticed as I read again to offer feedback.

Both boys were determined, to stay together
I don't edit punctuation, but this comma causes a big bump and needs to be cut.

duffel bags ensured that that their favourite foods
--Typo--

When the dog saw was the boy was awake,
--typo

forward, his brother’s names on his lips. .
Remove the --S--from the bolded word.

and walked across the bridge, to the shadowy trees beyond the fishing bridge
Repeating this is redundant, wordy. It can be cut.

the twin had been portrayed with heads bent
add an --S--to twin.

There is a tendency toward wordiness, but it's not bad, and actually lends to the naturalness of the storytelling.

I really like the ending, with the change in the painting. It gives this sad story a satisfying conclusion.

This is a good, emotional story. It's written well and it's complete.
Well done!

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Review of Motherhood  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Dragon *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

I tried to find why you say this is a sorry attempt, but not being a poet myself, I can't find it. The rhyme and rhythm are consistent. The words bring a clear image of three little girls. It is easy to read, and I noticed no bumps.

I enjoyed reading it, and noticed no technical problems. I believe you did a fine job.

Honestly, the brief description isn't being put to good use.

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Finnley *Smile*

This is good, it is a gentle acceptance of what is to be. I felt the emotion of sadness strongly.

I like the rhyme scheme you've used, and the rhythm is consistent. It reads easy, no bumps for me. You did a good job.

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

"Invalid Item" 
Ideas for quick, short stories.

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, Prier *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 
Just an honest review. Is this story appropriate for children? What age group?

I like the story, and yes, it is fine for all ages, though older kids will need more action. This would be a good read-aloud for little ones if it had good illustrations.

I like the touch of history for the older ones. An underground city would be fascinating to explore, you could take this in many directions. Just think of the imaginations you would awaken. *Smile*

Some things I noticed.

Except for the endless hours, spent riding in the van
I don't edit punctuation but I want to give you a one time only tip. Read your lines aloud, if you find a natural pause, use a comma. If it sounds funny with a pause, don't use a comma. Remove the comma after --hours--. The pause is not natural there.

Across the street a clown was juggling large plastic rings.
Did you think of adding color to the rings? I think they would be a clearer image if they were twirling red and yellow blurs of color. At least they are to me. *Smile*

While eating his lunch Jason looked around at the other customers
These two words could be cut to avoid wordiness. You don't need to say this again.

The story has an interesting theme. Children would love to find a camera like this. So would I! *Smile*

The story still needs work. A few more details would make it more exciting to older children, if you can.
The main thing I suggest you work on at this point is the length of the lines. They are short and sound blocky to my ears. If some were long and some short there would be a natural rhythm and reading would flow along smoothly.

Also, the tone sounds like an adult 'telling' a story, not of a young boy living it. That's okay, it would work, but the voice needs to be looser, more casual. It is pretty stilted.

I like the touch of mystery you left at the end. Good job. There is no need to tell everything as long as the theme is clear. You did a good job, just keep practicing.

I hope this feedback helps a little. There is nothing at all wrong with the theme, it's a creative and wonderful story.

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello, Trinity *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This is a good theme, I liked it. It's interesting enough to hold the interest throughout. It has a problem of punctution and spelling errors though that hinder the reader a lot. It's difficult to concentrate on the storyline through these things.

Some things I noticed.

I suggest you add spaces between each paragraph and speaker line. Reviewers need these spaces. Especially on long works like this.

They no longer feel that I’m a threat to myself and others, so they let my
The bolded word is a typo

where all the prisoners cram themselves in front of them hoping to see
This line reads awkwardly to me. By cutting the bolded words the line would still say the same thing, more clearly and tighter.

the colors would clam my nerves but no. Dr.
spelling --calm--

the good doctor changes into a beast of torcher
spelling --torture--

“Don’t question me; do as I say plus everyday you tend to remember a little more.”
This word doesn't sound like something a professional would say right here. I suggest cutting it. It doesn't fit. IMO

room to find his freshly slaughterer
--slaughtered--

“Tomorrow I want to try some hypnosis on you.
I don't know how these places work, but he's been there six months. It would be reasonable to expect they would do hypnosis much sooner. As a reader, I find this doctor negligent. *Smile*

The faint signal died at 1:00 a.m. but I still starred on.
spelling --stared--

I saw the knife going a crossed the victim’s
spelling --across--
I starred on as the black and white
spelling --stared--

No it’s like I am watching it will some other force in my body kills him
This line is hard to read. Play with it and see if it can be written clearer.

and slammed to needle into my own.
a typo --the--

salararty confinement
spelling --solitary--

I think the story has potential to be good. It moves along at a fairly fast clip, and the plot is understood. I saw Cassie as a man until she was called by name. *Smile* That's okay though.

It needs a serious read through by you, slowly and aloud. Punctuation errors are a serious problem.

I can't compare it to the other story because I didn't read the other.
I hope this feedback helps. To help is my only reason for offering it. *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com, and keep on writing!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, *Smile*

You requested;
Your critique would be gladly appreciated.

Thank you for asking me to read this one. I hope you don't regret asking. I'm going to be straight-forward with this feedback because you said you're looking to publish. So this must be serious. Okay?

approached the well lighted estates
Read it with the words --well-lit--, and then you decide which sounds better.

auburn hair, finally pinning it in an upsweep with hairs framing her face.
Did she change her hair style at this last minute, while walking to the door? Why?

There are a lot of references to her hair all through the piece. Does she have a hair fetish? Is this part of her personality?

The doorman stumbled a little
Is this important info to the story? Doormen to the rich never stumble, and aren't easily impressed by beauty or money. Why did he stumble here? If it's important enough to mention, say why.

She leaned against the frame of the door, unnoticed.
Is this a casually run rich house? Why didn't the doorman accompany her and announce her arrival? Guests are not allowed to be able to eavesdrop.

said Servano, talking to the man of the house
By using --“Octavius… listen to me.-- at the beginning of this line, the readers know who he is talking to. They have also already been told he owns the place. Try not to 'tell' too much by repeating information. It will start to become wordy and boring. Keep it tight.

seeming not to care of what Servano was speaking about.
This line is awkward to read. The grammer is off kilter and it's wordy. Try subbing another word for --seeming-- Something like, --appeared-- or, appearing.

-- of-- simply needs to be cut.

Since his mind was made, Servano’s plea
Sounds like something is missing. This is more commonly said as 'his mind was made up', and is easily understood. You certainly don't have to say what everyone else does, but make it a complete thought so it will read smoother.

opinion on this matter, I’m not taking head.
I suggest more clarity here. What does this line mean?

Octavius walked to Nastassja, instantly grabbing her hand and kissing it
The image these words brought to my mind is not of a rich, confident man. He wouldn't 'grab' her hand. He would 'take' her hand.

“A nice addition in décor, Monsiuer Bertrand
spelling error, several times - monsieur

well-fitting dark-pinstriped suits walked towards them
This should be --walking--

She slipped the pins from her hair as she ran a hand through her hair, shaking
Try to write this in a way to cut the repetition.

pulled out a desert eagle which she placed right under the bed
Clarify - desert eagle. Cut the word --right-- to help guard against wordiness. It isn't needed here, 'near the edge' clarifies well.

As she allowed her body to seep into the tub, she closed her eyes.
Very good imagery! Easy to see and feel. Using the word -seep- in this way is pretty creative. It 'shows' me the image of a body slowly stepping in and lowering into scented, warm, soothing water. Ummm!

He removed his key from the inside of his dinner jacket and slid it into the lock and pushed the door open slightly, walking in.
This is 'telling' more than necessary. Keep it simple. He found it locked, taking his key he opened it; immediately seeing Nasstassja...

His eyes danced around the room as they landed on Nasstassja.
Would his eyes really have to dance around the room if she's standing in the middle of it? Wouldn't he see her immediately? Realistically?

Nasstassja smiled as he kneeled, picking her up off her feet
I have to mention this image. Read this complete line aloud, slowly. Why did he have to kneel to pick her up? That's what it sounds like. He couldn't have picked her up if he is kneeling.

nudging his face with the barrel of her gun.
Where did this come from?! Where did she hide it within such tight clothing?

I don't know if I've got the plot correct, gangsters killing gangsters? It was presented in such a way that it could have gone a few directions. At first I thought she was in law enforcement, but the ending killed that idea. *Smile*

The individual scenes are pretty well seen, but they don't tell the story. Why did this happen to these people?

There is a need to tighten this. Being aware of your tendence to over-tell before you get too far into the story will help you keep a rein on it. I found it difficult to concentrate on content because of the wordiness. It took too long to get to the reason she was there, and at the end I still don't know. More details are needed.

Adding more spaces between the paras will help the reviewers give feedback. Readers may not mind if they're not there, but reviewers will.

The basic idea is good and you give some clear images of the character and setting. Keep working and write the story, it's definitely worth the extra time you spend on it.

The main problem for me was not knowing the plot. Remember the five W's; Who, What, When, Where, Why and How?
This is the prologue so all these won't be here yet, but part of them should.

These are just ideas for you to consider, the rate reflects the work is average; good, but needs some work. It does not mean it's bad.


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Ideas for quick shorts and avoiding writer's block with one click.

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Review of The Watercourse  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Bill

I finally took the time necessary to read this long piece, and it was worth it. *Smile*

Some of my thoughts, suggestions and wows I noticed as I read.

These notes were made as I read. After finishing the story, I still agree with them.

“I can’t remember. But it seems like a long time.”
These children sound pretty young to me, and I was thinking of how I would say this through her emotion. I would definitely know it's been too long, and say, it's been a long time!...

stone as it hopped strangely to-and-fro,
I think this action would cause more surprise and comments than the fact that 'the water grabbed my rock'. Rocks always disappear, but never hop to-and-fro. Wouldn't he be more excited about that, as an experienced rock-skipper?

“Don’t ya worry done, Pen. I’m right here with ya.”
A typo --none--

tattered shreds of clothing; and there was mud everywhere{c:red]
It wouldn't be odd to have mud everywhere, would it? As a reader, I wondered what was so weird about that.

She half-expected one of the bodies to jump out at her at any moment
These children are certainly stronger than many would be with bodies surrounding them. Most wouldn't wait for the smell to make them leave. *Smile*

They dangled their feet over the edge and waited for their mom.
I like the way this scene on the porch duplicated the beginning scene of the dock. Good imagery.

The tire swing spun slowly on the end its rope waving
I don't know if you're taking edits yet, but here's one. A word is missing here. *Smile*

heard their mother’s high heel shoes march angrily
Wow! This para is good! I can feel and hear it all.

She became excited
This intro of the old lady is wonderful imagery. I can see her plainly.

The mind-widowed
A good phrase.

The creature bounded in huge strides
This para is scary! My senses tensed and the wonderful imagery has brought this to life! It has movement that can be seen. Good showing words!

The Cadillac
From here down. A great scene! It's pace is fast and tense.

lights of red and blue reflect
Just to let you know, when I read these words, the sentence right before became clear. I knew immediately what this meant. This works for me. *Smile*

The story is good. It holds the interest through the mystery and action. It reads fast and easy, and it's one that will stay in the mind awhile. Not easily forgotten.

The ending was good and fitting, it was a relief.

Thanks for asking me to read this, I definitely enjoyed it.


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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, KHunt *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

What a nice, well done story! You did well with showing the scene and expressing the emotions. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading more of your work. Well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

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esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Wenston. *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on the auto award page.

I love this style of writing, it's one of my favorites. You did well with the dialect, it was the real thing. *Smile*

The storyline, setting and theme are all clear and understandable. I could see the scenes well.

The characters were as real as they needed to be in such a short story.

I noticed one bump. (for me)

before they grabbed him by the collar and flung right back out again
I think a word is missing that has nothing to do with dialect. --flung HIM right... What do you think?

The story was perfect. I was pulled in from the first sentence, and my attention was held fast. Good writing!

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Review of Golden  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, J.A. Powell *Smile*

I found this on the auto award page. I found this to be a very emotional piece. The emotion is strong and well done. The setting and the theme are both obvious and understood. You packed a lot into this short piece.

I felt the sadness, but also the relief of these characters. Well done!

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