I like this! It reads easy and the style is casual, like a journal. In fact, since you chose 'Other' as your genre, I'm going to read it as a personal journal entry.
Your points are well delivered and make sense. I agree, sometimes words do get in the way, especially if we have problems expressing what we mean.
I could actually feel the emotion of love as I read about the hugs. Good job of showing descriptions.
I am trying to hard to speak my
typo--should be -too-
If I were reviewing this as an essay or column, I would mention the repetition. Be careful of using the same word too often; readers will soon begin to notice it and be pulled out of the story. You can get away more in a personal journal, because you're writing your thoughts.
You've done a good job with the message, it comes through clearly! Well done!
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I had been discussing certain logical beliefs with Sean Victor the policeman in the sofa room of the estate of Chapwill when he commented most surprisingly.
This first sentence is very important to hook the readers attention. This one is a mouth-full. It contains at least five tidbits of info; quite a bit for the reader to absorb all at once. I suggest you cut at least the one I have bolded. You can put it in somewhere else.
disintrusion
Does this mean 'escape'? It isn't in my dictionary. Your creation, or my out-of-date dictionary?
and is one eternal jump to conclusions.
This might read smoother with this bolded word changed to --from--. But, maybe not. I'm finding it hard to concentrate on the story itself, because of the style of writing you've chosen. Complicated.
There came a knock at the door and instantly self-admitted Chapwill who was our host
Why does Chapwell knock on his own door? Is it purely courtesy?
“Sean!” murmured Chapwill
The exclamation point needs to be cut to allow the voice to 'murmer'. It is slightly contradicting.
Any unfool can see
Another new word?
I see a room where three over-educated men are having a discussion. That is very clear. What they are discussing is not easy to decifer. I believe I see and understand the argument they're using. It's probably not necessary for the readers to know who Lucian and the protagonist are, the argument is the main theme, the way I understand it.
This isn't a complete story as it has no beginning, middle and end. Are there more chapters?
This style is directed at a certain audience who enjoys reads that induce thinking, this one does that well.
I found the reading to take all my concentration, so missed the comedy. I'm sure your specific audience will see it clearly.
The writing is tight, sentence structure is good, and the scene is clear. You've done a good job with it.
I was drawn in to read this by your title; I'm always interested to know how others deal with R&R's. It's a complicated area.
You're a pretty strict reader I think. That's good, we need more critical readers, if they read objectively. I don't agree with the wording you've given for your rates, but that's okay. We all rate according to our own criteria and it changes as we learn. Rates are always subjective, but reviews should be objective.
This reads like the work of a kid
Some of your wording might be hurtful to your reviewees if they read this after you review them.
Just so you'll understand what my rates mean;
When I rate something a 2.5 or 3--I use 3 as an average of the site, not classic authors. Good, but needs something. 2.5 needs a bit more work. But this is just my opinion.
This is written well and is clearly understandable.
Enjoy the site and enjoy R&R'ing!
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You sure caught my attention with this theme. It's scary to think this could and does happen.
The girl's character is done well, her intent hidden until the end. Good job!
A strange peculiar feeling he hadn’t felt before;
I think if you're going to bring this feeling in, you'll need to explain it somewhere. Was this a premonition?
The setting, theme, and characters are done well. It can use a bit more polishing, making sure each line is complete and reads smoothly. Reading your work aloud will help with that.
Well done!
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This is going to be a cute series, kids love to 'fall' into adventures.
Beatri looked around after jumping in the air because of the shock
This is a good line, it shows her action clearly and is easy to imagine. The only thing is, it needs to be written in order. Have her jump in the air first, and then look around. It would be easier for the readers to see.
he pointed to a yellow and said
A yellow what? You forgot the word 'ladder'
This small character is going to be active and energetic, I think I'm going to like her. This is coming along pretty good, and I'll be sure to catch the next installment. Good job!
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I enjoyed reading this very much. It caught and held my attention well. The emotions, setting, characters are all well done. The theme is clear. This character has my complete sympathy and I too wonder at the end, should I laugh or cry for mama.
rusty, squeaking sound
Good description, I can hear this!
body through the dirt path, perspiration
This gives a different image than --along-the dirt path would.
He wiped his upper lip with one hand because the beads
It would be safe to cut these extra words because the readers will know he used his hand. It would be tighter.
This first paragraph is good! It pulled me in with curiosity and the action. It made me wonder what his problem was. I believe he is scared, but he may just be anxious. Since I don't know who he's running from yet, it could be either one at this point. Good emotion.
And Charles wasn't a small man, not by any means
This is the third time this has been told; the fourth counting the one immediately after this one. This line isn't needed.
He heard her talking to someone else
This may be okay, but to me this word caused a bump in the smoothness. I feel since she wasn't talking to him, it would naturally be 'someone else'. Is this nit-picking?
He heard Livia from somewhere far away
This is excellent at showing his condition! I can see this scene clearly.
The abuse is clearly shown, not told. Good job!
Good job, almost perfect!
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I think I see a natural talent in this author.
The first line hooked me in well.
A few things I noticed as I read.
I'm wondering if this author's note is from you or the narrator of the story?
I spent more time thinking about Hookman's Grave
This line is off somewhere. This word causes some of it; 'more' than what? I expected to find ('more' time thinking, than I...) ??. Also, the timeline is not clear. Kids told him of the death of a girl he knew in his junion year. Kids told him now, present time? Or is he thinking of the past?
He knew before going over to the neighbor’s that he would be coming back stumbling drunk, so he walked... without his keys
This reads like he left his keys home on purpose because he knew he would come back drunk. Why would he leave his keys? Some important detail is missing, I think.
he shook the dead plants off
He would shake them --out--of the pot, wouldn't he?
--PAST-- except for the Styrofoam-specked potting soil. PRESENT it was
I'm having a difficult time keeping track of the timeline. The past and the present mixed together in one line makes confusing reading.
canned figs from mystic trees yet planted
A word seems to be missing here. --not yet planted--; yet to be planted--. something??
with his clinched fists against his ears
Spelling is off. --does this mean he is still hearing the tone, but it's louder?
the circles of light that played against his eyes shut were visible again when they were opened.
This reads awkwardly to me. I think switching the words would help smooth the line. --his shut eyes-- and --still visible--what do you think? Where was the light coming from?
to the spot near the hose where he had tripped and nearly wiped out on his dash to the back door.
Did you intend to write --house--? Also, this sentence is re-telling the readers what they've already been told. Try to describe the spot more simply. For instance, you could stop with --he tripped--. period.
I like the theme, it's scary, dark and suspenseful. You're doing a good job with it. But, Yes, a but.
I think if you're going to end it like this you need more details of the wife. What is she capable of? What did she do to cause her to go to prison? The ending just isn't complete. (I think) Why did she leave without harming him physically? It ends too quickly, the readers won't have a chance to become involved, scared, horrified. And this was real; I was expecting a ghost story from the great lead-in. Maybe this will be the cause of a ghost story. A little background, huh?
Why wasn't the dog standing over the child, whining? Wouldn't he be doing that? What caused the whistling in his head? All of these things need to be answered once they're brought to the readers attention.
It is a good story idea, and I look forward to reading more of these in the series. I hope this doesn't discourage you from finishing them.
My feedback's given in an attempt to help the story.
You've caught my attention with this one, and it held my interest. Keep on working with it and let's see where you take it. Yes?
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I haven't read your other piece so I won't be able to answer your question of which is better.
I have read another of your items though, which I enjoyed a lot. You write with this theme quite a bit I noticed. Your handle must be you!
The descriptions are true and clear and do a good job of hiding the punch line. I wonder if Chess mags ever print fiction short-shorts with this theme? It might be worth it to do a little searching. With polishing these would fit right in.
The only thing I will suggest is to add space between the paras. It will present better on the page. Presentation is very important. Notice how much more attractive it looks with spaces.
This is enjoyable to read. The descriptions and the setting is done well. The style is a bit formal, stiff; but it's easy to read.
You captured the girls broken heart very well. Her actions with the tree were realistically sad. Good job!
Some things I noticed.
not wanting to lose sight of the pup.
What do you think of changing this to --him--? --the pup--is written about four times in close succession.
until the pup stopped at the edge of the stream. The girl stopped and
repeating words too closely will draw the readers attention. I suggest cutting one of these.
where they were at.
Ending a line with a preposition usually sounds awkward to the ear. I suggest cutting this word.
The dad followed her
The first time I noticed this, I thought it was a typo, but it's done all through the piece. It reads a little awkward, and it pulled me from the story. Do you think using --dad--and cutting --the--would hurt the style or the point of view?
This content could be rated ASR, you'd receive younger readers. They are the audience, aren't they?
This is written well and it reads fast and easy. I think I'm going to enjoy reading your work. I love your subject matter.
Well done!
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This is absolutely beautiful! I found myself smiling and crying at the same time. Definitely ready and worthy of publishing.
The characters are real, and the scene. I was there! The dialogue and the narration, which showed the emotions so well, pulled me in and kept me reading.
your hard work and your good well. I thank you for your prayers
A typo?
I suggest you don't change a thing, except for the typo.
I noticed this item and since I read everything on reviewing I had to check this out too.
You're clear in stating what the numbers mean to you, I wonder if these will change though. Mine did. lol
I wrote a piece giving my criteria, but gave it up. To be fair, I couldn't stick to it. Each piece is too individual, for me anyway. I use it now as a guideline only. For instance, comparing someone's work to Lord of the Rings is rough.
A course on writing
I always think of Writing.Com as a writers group, where we are all taking the course.
I like this piece of flash fiction. It's written very well! Not even a typo.
The title caught my interest and the story held it. It reads fast and easy, with no bumps.
The dialogue is wonderful. I like dialog so I may be a bit biased here, but I don't think so. It's realistic and the humor is clear. The scene is clear. The reader understood at once what the theme was. Good job! It gave me a laugh and that's always good, as long as it's intentional.
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This held my interest all the way. The theme is one many can relate to, loneliness.
I noticed a few things, typos being the most easily fixed. The main thing is a tendency toward wordiness. I recognize it because I have the same problem. I don't like to cut any of my great words.
Another maid with fresh sky-blue
This is the only maid seen, so I thought I'd missed something when I read this. It distracted me from the story for a moment. Try using --A--maid, and if you like it just as well, I suggest changing it.
that this certain ma so possessed
--A typo--
and the maids expected this mind set upon all their encounters with the troubled soul.
This line gives me a bit of trouble. It may be because it's wordy, but the clarity isn't there.
to take care of his after Marie passed on.
--A typo--
points of blaming her for his newly
I don't think you need the plural; cutting the --S--will read smoother.
smart cookies cold get A’s in spelling
--A typo--
She starred at him with such bewilderment
--stared--(spelling) -- such is an extra word. I suggest cutting it. The line will say the same thing without it.
withered heartstrings and shinning
Spelling. take out one --N--.
Muah!”
This is a neat new word for me. I've not seen it before, but what does it mean? Oh, I hope it isn't a typo!
I noticed a few extra words that could be cut to make the sentences tighter. Reading aloud, slowly, will help you with those. Look for overuse of any, but especially --all, just, and, then, etc. If the line is clear without one, cut it.
I like the emotion I felt, you're good in that area. The setting too, is clear.
The character can be seen and I liked him. He has my sympathy and the ending was satisfactory. Good work all the way through. I enjoyed reading this one, and can relate in ways.
The style and tone are appropriate to the theme; it read easy and well. Bottom line, it's a good, well done story.
Whew! I hope I didn't miss anything I wanted to say.
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To answer your most important question, yes, I would definitely buy this book. It quickly caught my interest and read smoothly all the way through. I like the tone. It's friendly and honest. Enjoyable to listen to.
I noticed some things for you.
So, I guess what I'm sayin is,
I like the sound of this. It's casualness is back-fence neighborly, but, is it too casual? You've got a serious topic and it's sounds like you're going to treat it serious. This informal usage may give the wrong tone if used too much.
can testify to what your experiencing
Typo. should be --you're--
You forty-somethin women
Without the apostrophies, they look like typos. I think spelling these words out would be more to the piece's advantage. My opinion, and personally, I use these a lot in my own writing. I love the sound.
but you can can hope flyin'
A typo
(She takes a deep breath and sighs as she launches into her story).
This line pulled me from the story. I think cutting it wouldn't hurt at all. To the readers, she's already into the story. It's distracting.
it's for empahsis
Spelling/typo
dreamed about it for so long?
This isn't a question, cut the question mark.
You're a good writer, with a readable style. This is coming along well. I look forward to reading more of your work.
The first thing I noticed was the large block of text with no paragraph spaces. Very intimidating. Just add a space after each paragraph to break it up for your readers, and avoid headaches.
I found only one line that needs a bit of rewriting.
feed the hungry children.
It didn't take very long and soon Annabelle was losing weight
Do you see how the second line could refer to the first? I suggest changing the second for better clarity. Something like; --It wasn't long before Annabelle began losing weight.--
I really enjoyed the story. It's a basic lonely princess theme with your own creative twist. The moral was gently hinted at just like it's supposed to be. Good job!
It held my interest completely. I noticed some typos. As you read through, you'll find them.
Well done!
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I like the beginning. It sets the theme well and perks the interest of your audience. I enjoyed reading it.
My suggestions,
the world united to mourn.
Many believe the power generated by the anguish of the mourners could be detected in space.
Be sure and expand upon these statements in one of the next chapters. The ideas are good and as a reader I expect to see the events these lines hint of.
weilding --spelling-- wielding--You have several spelling errors that I won't point out yet. SpellCheck will help with those.
Hospitals all over the globe filled to capacity in major cities, small towns, and villages in every nation
I suggest cutting one of these bolded phrases since they both say the same thing.
But when days started to become more than a few days,
This line reads a bit awkward to me. I think cutting the bolded area and saying simply; --the nausea continued more than--or;--- the days became a couple of weeks--, (I don't like this example!) lol. Do you see what I mean, though?
His cell rang just as he was leaving the pet shop
Is some information missing? I get the idea he works at the pet shop because I was just told of his mandatory overtime. I think adding a line of buying her a pet would help the clarity.
Why --the stinking door- reference? Does it stink?
noticing late that hurried customers wanted in
The reason I suggest cutting this because the word --late--causes a bump in the reading.
Her tone didn't sound right to him, "We were wrong
This doesn't give an impression of happiness or surprise. It sounds 'frightened' or 'sorrowful'
love for each other,and raced home
Did he go to the doc's office and pick her up?
Ears back it hissed
This is good. It shows a hint of things to come. It relates the title to this pregnancy. Good job!
I don't see or relate to the characters yet, perhaps they are being developed more in the next chapters.
This is going to be very good, but it's still in the draft stage at this point. Thus the rate. It will be changed as the work progresses. The rate does NOT mean it's a bad piece. It only means it needs work, and you knew that already.
Read your work aloud, slowly. Be sure it all makes sense to a new reader. Remember they won't know the inside details that you, the writer knows. Make clarity a priority.
This is a good theme and the prologue is setting the scene well. It's made me curious and caught my interest. I have seen a couple of movies with this theme and am anxious to see how you use your creativity to make this one a bit different.
#2. and all who sail in thee
I suggest changing --in--to --with--for a better image.
The rhymes and rhythm are not consistent to my ears. I believe a good rhythm will always cover a mis-rhyme well. To me, it's more important.
These sound like 'quotes' or 'sayings' to my ears. Was that your intention? They just don't read or sound like poetry verses. As prose they would work well. As poetry, I think if the lines were formatted differently to bring the rhyme out more clearly, they would read better.
You are too much
Your own woman
To be the one for me;
I like this one, it says a lot to me. Good job!
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This rhymes and the ryhthm is perfect, which makes it sound good to the ears. The imagery is very good.
I suppose this is one where the reader has to interpret the subject, right?
You say it isn't the devil, so that leaves God. You must have been thinking of one or the other. lol
You've done a good job with the writing; I noticed only one word that may be misused.
My friends they do not fare
--they--used here is not proper grammar. Can you cut the word? It's up to you of course.
--fare--How do you mean. --not fare well--? Fare is awkward when used by itself. To my ears, anyway.
The poem is good, and I enjoyed reading it.
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This is written well. It's thoughtful and reads smoothly. I found the third line in each, particularily the last three words on those lines to disrupt the flow, though. To me.
and until when
These are awkward to read and cloud the meaning of the line. I'm probably missing something, but I wanted to make you aware of one reader's view.
I enjoyed reading it. The rhyme and rhythm make it a pleasure. Good job!
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esprit
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