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Review of Fire  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

This is written well, with pretty good imagery. It reads easily.

It was a creative bit to write from this point of view, a good idea and good practice.

lifes
beuase
spelling. --lives--because--

I hope you're enjoying the site.

esprit
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1052
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

The story is exciting, but tragic. I don't know the ages this is written for. I assume for 4-8 year-olds because of the owl. It's pretty strong for little ones, and parents may object to the violence. I would, for that age.

It was very boring but he loved his mother’s attention
This is a good way to let children relate and become more involved in the adventure.

It was frightening to hear the loud cracking of breaking limbs
These words are redundant.

hitting the forests floor
You don't need the --S--.

decent toward the beast
spelling /typo --descent--

out of breathe
spelling/typo

He continued to fly so fast, so far as he possibly could till
I suggest cutting 'so fast' to avoid repetition of the previous line. Try using --AS-- in place of --SO--, Decide how it sounds to you. To me, it sounds smoother.

I found it soon became boring and annoying to have to read 'CarlOwl' so often, and kids will have a lower level of patience than an adult; usually. *Smile*

The age you're writing for is important. This theme is directed toward very young, beginning readers. It is complicated and most of the language is too advanced for them. Older readers will be able to follow the story, and will like the action and excitement, but the owl theme is questionable. They may think it's too 'babyish'. *Smile*

I enjoyed the story for the most part. If it sounds like I'm tearing it apart, I am, but only in the attempt to give you good feedback. I hope it helps.

Keep writing,

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Review of Desire  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)

Hello, BellaSolace

Welcome!

This was a pleasure to read. The words flowed smoothly and gave wonderful imagery. A romantic tone set this off well.

I noticed no problems at all with this beautiful writing.

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Review of My Faith  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hello again,

I noticed --blindly--in your brief description, has a typo.

This has strong emotion that is felt by the readers. It pulls them in well. Good job!

I noticed no typos but one. No other technical issues to mar it. You have a well written posem here.

Well done!

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Review of Children  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)

Hi, *Smile*
welcome!

This is a beautiful poem; a well done tribute to your children. The title caught my attention and I had to read it.

I have but one suggestion, but it's your decision to use it or not.

the emotions I feel for you
be compared to anything on earth? No
This is a beautiful line; I just wondered if you added the word---Can--at the beginning, wouldn't it show the thought clearer?

I enjoyed the message and the theme. Very good!

Good luck in the contest.

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Review of Broken Hearts  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello, *Smile*
Welcome to Writing.

This has wonderful emotion! The tone is pure hearbreak. Good job!

I noticed a bump or two where the words didn't flow smoothly. These are only from one readers point of view now, don't stress, and only change what you agree with.

grow in the ground
This word could be cut easily. ''in ground soaked with'' sounds complete to my ears. The word --the--causes a bump in the reading.

will seem to{/B] mend the girls’
If these words were cut, the line would flow smoother.

to love, life others
I think this is a typo.

Feedback is offered to give the author a new point-of-view. I hope it helps.

Happy writing!

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Review of Sonnet II  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)

Hi, Kate

Welcome to Writing.Com

This is pretty well written. The imagery is excellent, and the rhythm good.

The rhyme is not consistent, to my ears. I believe a couple of the word choices were chosen only for the attempt to rhyme, and they don't too well.

For instance, water and falter; gladness and sunglasses.

The final three lines show good emotion, hope.

I enjoyed reading it, and I believe with a bit of polishing it wuld be very good indeed.

Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hi, Petey *Smile*

This is very good emotion. It sounds real to my ears, you must be writing from your heart. It shows.

The lines read smoothly and the message is beautiful to read. Good imagery lets the reader into your world.

Well done!

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esprit
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Review of Transgressor  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)

Wow!
I can hear the emotion dripping from these strong words. Great word choices.

Created monstrosities that do but maim; distort the prose
This is but one line of the wonderful, strong imagery you're showing. Good stuff!

I noticed no technical issues to worry you with. Good job there.

I can certainly relate to this one, and I'm sure many writers can. You've captured some of our thoughts and feelings exactly. You, my friend, are a poet.

I really enjoyed reading this.
Well done!

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Review of Culture Wars  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello,

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This story begins with a bang, literally. A good hook. It caught my attention and held it. It moves fast giving the reader little time to breathe. Good job! *Smile*

Some things I noticed.

hear the pained, frantic whisper of her mother.
This line begins some wonderful tension! I felt the danger and urgency of the mother's instructions well. Very well done!

what exactly braught her to where she is now
up bussiness out
Spelling/typos

quickly removing the trap door in her closet floor, climbing down the ladder after shutting the door tightly, rapidly climbing down
You don't need a step-by-step description here. Try to work with this to show what she did in a more concise way.

down untill her tiny feet
spelling/typo

Seth squeezed tighter, completely enraged, the soldier started choking,
This needs more clarity right here. It sounds like the soldier is completely enraged. Ending the sentence at - enraged- would eliminate the confusion. Too many commas.

"Stop! your gonna kill him!"
--you're--

she blurted out, she could be silent no more.
This could be two sentences to be smoother. Or, use a different connector word. for example, --unable to remain silent any longer--. you decide of course, this just sounds awkward to me.

Seth stared right at her, with a big grin
To avoid 'wordiness' this bolded word could be cut. The sentence would say the same thing, but be tighter.

seemingly drunk with his rage
This is usually not a good word in tense action scenes. Be firm and sure. --He was drunk with... I think the period should go after --rage--. Begin the next sentence with --Dripping--I think the tension would hold better with the short lines. These are great lines, full of rage!

staring at the floor, feeling completely floored
I suggest changing one of these words to avoid repeition too close together. You don't want the readers noticing individual words at this point. It pulls them out of the story.

She could say nothing, she just put her
I think the line should end at --nothing--. I noticed you use a lot of commas at unecessary places. read your work aloud and place commas at natural pauses. Don't cause the reader to pause too often. The reading should remain smooth through the entire sentence. I'm not good at punctuation, but there are some good articles on site.

protest will get you demonized.
Read this aloud using --protesting--instead of --protest- Use the one you think sounds better.

then turning his attention to the soldier, still being restrained.
I think this should be --turned--
soldier who was still being restrained.

Seth reached into his pocket, pulling out a BIC lighter, holding it under the soldiers chin, lighting it, flames shooting up, about half an inch from the mans skin.
This sentence is very long and convoluted. I suggest shortening and trimming. The imagery is good and is needed, but show it more clearly. A period could go after --lighter--. chin, he lit it letting the flames come within half an inch.
Ths is written only to show what I mean. You do it your way.

The last line is a great way to end a chapter. It is sure to cause the readers to continue on.

Wow, you're a good writer! I'm definitely going to keep up with these chapters. You've hooked me in.

The flashback was expertly done.

The characters are being developed well, realistically.

The theme is clear. Scary and dreadfully realistic.

The emotions are good. Tension is thick.

There is a tendency toward wordiness. Be aware of using extra words that aren't needed. Too many will slow the story and cause the readers to become bored with it. You don't have that problem but be careful.

The problems I've mentioned are those of most drafts, to be edited out when the time comes. The storyline is good.

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Review of Sweet Thing  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi, Julie! *Flower2*

The first line is a beautiful beginning!
Sweet & lovely, like the smell of a rose,

Some things I noticed.

The format is that of prose, and it reads as prose. Is that as you intended? I think if you used more periods, it would be easier to read and understand. These are both long,long sentences. *Smile*

she'll decive spelling

This should surely help her if she'll will
this line is awkward and difficult to understand clearly. Is --she'll will--a typo?

I hope you continue to work on this. I found it to be an emotional, sad write, written with love and concern. Good job!

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esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Thomas! *Flower2*

I noticed you had another on the list and decided to read it too.

This one is good, but I noticed a couple of things. Remember, this is my opinion, not anything else. *Smile*

present
peasant
These aren't true rhymes to my ears.

I wish the man whose yours well
I think you need --who's--for who is yours.

Because thou art, and He should,
Fair of face, and heart that’s true.

I like writing that places words like you've done, inverted poems are great; but here, it confuses the thought. At least it did for me. Ignore if you don't agree. *Smile*

Each verse has its own rhyme scheme. It didn't hinder the sound for me at all. I didn't notice until it was time to check it. Good job!

I hope this feedback helps you a little, if you don't need any of this, that's okay. I enjoyed reading this one. You're a good poet.

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esprit
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Review of I dreamt of you  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hi again, Laurel *Smile*

This is full of sad, lonely emotion. You covered it well.

Some things I noticed.

If you would format this with paragraphs, with spaces between, it would have a much better appearing, professional presentation.

small, content smile that you held on your face,
I think --contented--is the word.

like the sea stretching for the shore and then drawing back into itself.
This is wonderful imagery! Clear and easy to imagine.

wanting to come in

as if answering the invitation.
This is confusing. A rap, wanting to come in, is not an invitation. Instead of 'answering', it will do the inviting.

The only sound that calms the anxiety
You don't say what the sound is. It may be the clock ticking, but I can only guess. You may want to make it clear.

This is a bit wordy, but not excessive. As you read your work aloud, slowly, listen for words that don't need to be there, and cut them. Tighter lines are much smoother.

This is on it's way to perfection. Good job!

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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi, Laurel *Smile*

This was clear, with good imagery. I could see the scene well. You're good with 'showing'. *Smile*

In my opinion, it would fit the horror genre better than comedy though. You would probably get more readers too. For some reason, horror is more popular.

smile was strewn
I don't know if this is a typo or intended, but it doesn't fit. Did you mean --sewn--?

The rhyme and rhythm aren't consistent, but it looks like they were intended to be. I believe more time is needed there to smooth the lines and allow the words to flow. Count the syllables and decide how you want it to sound to the readers.

The twist in the tale is surprising and you did a good job telling it. It's definitely not for children though. *Smile*

I'm curious about the ending. I hope their cocoa was safe. lol

Good job!

Be sure to subscribe to the "Invalid Item"  on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of Dinner Guest  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Laurel *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

This is a fun read. Your descriptions are good so I could see the setting clearly.

I didn't find any technical errors, spelling, typos, etc. You proofread I bet! Not all do. *Smile*

You've done a good job with this; the only thing I found was a bit of overdoing the showing of food in the last para. It began to become redundant. You know what redundency causes to the readers. *Smile*
The dreaded B word.

I hope you're exploring the site, if you have any questions, just ask. We're here to help.

Be sure to subscribe to the "Invalid Item"  on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Potter *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

This is a fun and fast read. You're very creative. I've seen a few of these around the site, they're becoming popular. I imagine it's fun to write.

I didn't notice any typos. I do wonder how yu're going to pour 1 1/2 tsps. of laziness over the top of 13 by 9 inch pan, though. *Smile*

Have fun with your writing, and with the site!

Be sure to subscribe to the "Invalid Item"  on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of Demon hunter  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello,

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This is going to be a good story. It has mystery and action. The concept for the story is creative I think. You have a good imagination.

Some things I noticed.

Your first sentence is a little long for clear understanding.

Do you really need the parentheses? They are distracting to this reader, and may be to others. I suggest just adding the sentence and leave the parentheses off.

I’ve been tracking this one demon down for centuries
Be aware of extra words that cause the writing to become too 'wordy'. This bolded word is one example. It can be cut safely and the line would still say the same thing, but tighter.

always manages to escape just at the last minute
Another example of wordiness. Read your work aloud and cut any word that doesn't help clarify the line. Too many extra words will eventually cause the readers to become bored with the story.

the second figure chuckled, but this was in a very distinguished Victorian English accent, “But I fear your operation has become
I have trouble knowing who is speaking here. 'First figure', 'second figure' tells me nothing and to keep looking back to figure out which is which is annoying when I want to get on with the story. It's distracting. Describe them with a little more detail here. Be very clear.

And I think it prudent I left this particular little
Read this substituting the word --leave--in place of --left--. I believe it would read smoother.

More details are needed. I don't see the threat or the 'facing up to him' that he is accused of.

when a bullet flew through the air
Who shot him? Vincent? Would he need to use a gun to kill him?

The storyline is very well thought out. It's going to be a good one. After you write your chapters, go back and read them aloud, slowly. Make sure they are clear and say exactly what you intended to say. Remember, readers don't know the story until they read it. You have it already laid out in your head, so you may think you're explaining with details when actually, you're only thinking the details in where they are needed. We all do that to some extent and that's one reason readers are so useful. *Smile*

Feedback is offered in an attempt to help the writer see what the reader sees. I hope it's useful to you.

I find nothing wrong with the storyline, it's interesting and will be full of action. Good job!

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Review of For Diana  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, Areida

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This is a sweet and easy to read piece. I enjoyed it. *Smile* Your sister will love it.

I noticed a couple of things for you.

I would be externally gratefully
Both of these words need fixing. --eternally grateful--

which is jutting out in clear attitude. “No,”
This is a great line! It shows her well. *Laugh*

I single tear falls from my eye to my hand
Cut the -typo?--at the beginning of this line.

I believe too many lines are begun with the word --I--they began to be distracting. I noticed this toward the end of the piece only.

This is fun and easy to read. You did well. I like the breaks giving the countdown. It keeps the reader involved and interested. The emotion is real and it can be felt throughout, but especially at the end, when it brought a tear to my eye too. Well done!

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Review of The Walk  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello,

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

He was silent for a moment and bent down further, peering
I thought he was sitting in the car, and she was standing. Why would he need to bend down?

and it dawned her that she'd done something
A word is left out here. --dawned ON her--.

I have also noticed several spelling errors so far.

His eyes and body were rigid; he was staring straight ahead
I have to stop and mention this paragraph. Wow! The emotion brings this to life! He's making me nervous now. Very well done; good showing!

When she attempted to raise her head,
When she tried to move
These are both good lines, descriptive and tight. The second use of --When--pulled me out of the intense situation though, and I remembered I was only reading a story. The word was too noticable. I suggest cutting/changing one of them.

She finally crawled awkwardly out of her metal trap
This is an important scene to the reader. They're worried about her. Show what she had to do to get out. What did she crawl out of? The window? Did it cut her? Was she able to open the door? Details are important here.

He had obviously been thrown
I noticed in the lines following this one, the words --He, and His, were used eight times. Use his name a couple of times. When words become noticable, the lines needs tightening. In my opinion.

An elderly man
You are very good with characters. This para is descriptive and shows this one clearly and realistically.

Karen told him she couldn't remember.
This ending is too weak I think. It blows away to nothing, like a popped balloon, all the intense action the reader has just experienced. I was disappointed, as a reader. It would be stronger if she told them the truth.

"I can't remember' is like 'It was only a dream', and it usually doesn't work.

This is a great storyline. It stays interesting all the way and moves along good. I really liked it. The intense action was realistic. The imagery is excellent. You're a good writer!

These suggestions I've made are meant to make this a tighter, more intense and satisfying story.

Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Pensive

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

I like this story, it hooked me in at once and my attention was held all the way. But, what happened? Where's the ending?

Some things I noticed.

more nervous than he should have expected he would be.
This reads awkwardly to me. Read it aloud without the bolded words. It sounds tighter and smoother to my ears. --should have--causes it to be too wordy.

She never did say, one or the other
A word is missing. --'one way' or the other--

stormed out of the Elmer’s house
This word needs to be cut.

A great storyline! It's funny and the characters are seen clearly. I like them and I sympathize with Elmer. *Smile* You write well.

The ending though is not there. A resolution to the problem is needed. This is clearly the end of the first chapter, with more to come.

The last line is redundant. His friends encircling him has already been shown and repeating it is not necessary in my opinion.

It's a bit wordy, but only a bit. For example;
Harriet was perhaps just arriving now
Words like this are extra. The line would be tighter without them, thus smoother and clearer.

and with a twinkle in his eyes, teased: “OK, so how old are you?”

Harriet’s blue eyes flashed icy blue.
It's great lines like these that bring these characters to life! Wonderful! --Though using -blue- twice isn't too good. I think cutting the first would work.

I like the style you used. The narrator's voice pulled the reader in quickly and moved the story along well, naturally.

The main problem is the ending. How was it resolved?

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Review of I'll be  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

This is very well written. You did a good job with it. The rhythm and rhyme are perfect to my ears.

I enjoyed reading the message, it's emotion is strong. Good writing!

Enjoy the site!

Be sure to subscribe to the "Invalid Item"  on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of Darkness  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

Wow! A great horror story!

This is a good introduction, it catches the readers attention and holds it so I look forward to the next chapter. A lot of horror is a good hook for a beginning.

I noticed some things for your consideration. I mention spelling errors here in case you like to fix as you go along.

Nothing tremor the depth of quiet
This line is awkward. Maybe you need --tremored--? That wouldn't fix it though. I suggest reworking the sentence to make it clearer. I think you're wanting to say "Nothing --disturbed --the depth of the quietness", but it doesn't come out like that.
They were kept their
their should be spelled --there--

or even a large man to harvest the few that shall pass.
This line is not clear to me. It sounds like they used the large man to kidnap the few that passed. They didn't do that, did they? Clarity is needed here

stoping below the steps
spelling.

Why waist several healthy and descent family
spelling errors

flichless and steady
I didn't check this word in the dictionary but it doesn't look correct to me. It may be, but you might want to check it.

The imagery is good and shows the setting.

Well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the "Invalid Item"  on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!


esprit

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Review of why dont  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello again, Mr. Winter *Smile*

I noticed you had another new item and the brief description is what caught my attention. *Smile*

Is this for the horror genre, or it a ghost?

i dont really wish to leave descriptions for my work it speaks for its self

I want to leave you this link to a letter re. brief descriptions. Your work may speak for itself, but you need to get the readers in to listen first.

"Invalid Entry" 

Well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the "Invalid Item"  on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of Island Prison  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi, Ben *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

Wow, what a beginning! This is good!

You have hooked me with this opening, I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

This character is already developed pretty well. I feel sympathy for him and hope he escapes. I can see him clearly.

The setting is good too. The blowing sand is very realistic. Shown so well, I can feel it. Good descriptions.

The emotion of leaving his wife is strong and realistic. The dialog too, is good.

I noticed a few things, minor and not so minor that you'll want to be aware of as you write further.

First, get a space between each paragraph. It looks better, more professional and it is much more reader friendly.

Between his bulky armor and his helmet Derlin looked at his hands,
It isn't clear whose armor and helmet. It sounds like Derlin's here, but he isn't wearing any, is he? He looked at his own hands didn't he? Why were they between the armor and helmet? More clarity is needed here.

My hands are locked to the wall. Handcuffs kept him barred to the wall and his future
I suggest cutting or changing one of these lines. They both say the same thing and that causes overtelling, not good.

all of which he was innocent for
Ending the word with --for--sounds awkward to me. You actually could end it with innocent. If you wanted to.

pointing to the picture.
This line isn't needed for clarity; readers will know he is referring to the picture. Unless you're trying to show the guard is not too intelligent? Will he be an important player in the story?

“I didn’t it wa-” Derlin interrupted as the second guard was unhooking
Derlin didn't interrupt. He --was-- interrupted though.

“Love the helmet don’t you
I don't think a rough and tough, cruel guard would use this word to describe anything. It sounds out of place to me.

The ground became closer to them
This word should be --came--.

These are all things for you to consider whenever you're ready, and it's always up to you. It's your story. I offer feedback only in the attempt to help.

The story idea is tops, a five easily. Continue to work on it and my rate can be changed.

Well done!

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Review of Deliberations  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, CJ *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

This is very good! It grabbed my attention at the onset and never let go. I have no suggestions because I noticed no errors or bumps.

Without my dreams, I was absolutley nothing. And thats exactly how you liked it.
Check the spelling on this, it doesn't look right to me.

The emotion I feel from the narrator is real and strong. The voice pulls the read along with him. The settings are clear.

It reads easy and smoothly, and it was a pleasure.

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