This is well written. I enjoyed reading it. The emotion of love is strong and very well done.
The setting is good, the characters are seen.
The storyline is consistent with no bumps. It is romantic and a lovely tale. You are pretty good!
I expected her to morph at the end too.
I noticed a few typos scattered though. A good proofread, aloud, will help you find these next time.
What is you're name my lady?" I asked.
Chakara, I am honored to make you're acquaintance." ---your--
My name rolled of her tongue like it
---off--
"I am so glad you came, I was worried that you might not come." I said.
The bolded word is extra, it is not needed. I suggest cutting it to help avoid wordiness. If you read the line without it, you will see it says the same thing, smoother.
She went to hold me but I stepped away.
This word sounds awkward. Can you work with this a bit and find another?
You're skin; you are truly Him of the Golden Sun." --your-- I see you have trouble with this word. A tip: You're means --you are--. If you could say --you are skin--it would work, but you can't. I hope this helps.
This is an enjoyable, gentle romantic story.
Well done!
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I found this on the Request a Review page.
I began reading this and recognized the style as one I'd seen before. I checked your port and sure enough, Apples of Discord!
So, I won't comment on the style as it is yours and you do it well, except to let you know I find it difficult to read.
Since I find it difficult to read, I couldn't concentrate fully, but I did notice the story isn't complete. You actually tell very little. Are you going to have a second chapter?
For instance, the three suitors are not here or mentioned.
The Princess is said to be not snobby, etc. but still she finds no man worthy of her. Is she looking for physical beauty only? I understand she wants to be first in his life, but the physical attributes seem to override everything else. Where is the interaction?
The Princess is said to be beautiful but I don't know. I don't see her at all. She is said not to be snobby, but I see her as one. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel or think of her. You could be more clear.
innumerable suitors and admires has she takenadmirers
This Victoria of ever glaring marriageablity,
Good line! It made me laugh with its clarity!
He would rather she split with these fantasies and for one took to a man!
Did you mean 'once'?
Accesible nearly to all and sundry.
a typo
The rate is based entirely on the story content, which is not there. If more is planned, I suggest making a note of it at the end so reviewers will know.
I hope you complete this, I would like to know if she finds anyone suitable for her.
I like this a lot! It was entertaining. It probably will only be fully understood and enjoyed by those who've been there though. I am among your audience.
It caught my attention at once and held it all the way. I too, wanted to know who the picture was of, and where did the boss go? As a curious reader I was disappointed not to get an answer. You don't need the answers though, curiosity is a good thing.
I found nothing wrong with this [ a small bump only, listed below] It reads smoothly all the way. The content is clearly understood, and it is entertaining.
This is a small bump for me.
Our departmental supervisor walks in and hands Mary a pile of information to be pushed around, and puts a new stack in my boss’s inbox.
I watch our supervisor walk into her office and close the door, and I suddenly know that she’s practicing maneuvers with her whips and chairs.
For a second I thought the second reference to 'our super' was the 'missing boss', who had came in upset. I know now it is the 'super'. I think if you removed the second 'our' it would clear it. Maybe replace with 'the' super, which shows its the same person.??
Your descriptions are top notch! I could see the scene well.
Did I understand you to say you liked Writing.Com? Can you make that just a little clearer?
This is a delightful read. It's fun and interesting, and you kept me reading to see what other praise you were going to hand out. Good job!
I love these types of writing.
I urge Writer's Digest to look at all the above facts and re-evaluate the non-inclusion of writing.com in their esteemed list of writing-sites on the net.
Just a reminder though. I believe Writer's Digest makes their list according to the VOTES they receive. To assure Writing.Com makes the list is up to us, the members. So vote!
I thought I'd visit your port again, I hope you are well and finding your way around the site okay?
This is very well written and it reads smoothly. No bumps. It is clear with good imagery, and it's understandable. That is my only criteria for reviewing poetry.
I'm not a poet, but I read it and I know how it sounds to my ears, and so I rate on my feelings in poetry.
These pieces are good. Real experiences told honestly. They should be published somewhere.
The writing is honest and strong. The emotions are felt by the readers, and pull them into the story. You have shown the reader a glimpse of 'real' life.
This happens with any type of addiction I believe, though drugs are the most harmful.
This is a good solid piece of writing.
This has sad, poignant emotions dripping from it, the emotions are very strong.
[Personally] I didn't like the feeling of guilt I received from some of the words. I've not been in this situation, but I can imagine the guilt and pain would be right on the surface, so this would not be easy to read for some. Since I felt this way, it just shows you wrote it very clearly.
This reads well. It is full of suspense and mustery, and the reader is pulled along on the characters midnight run. I can see the setting well. Good job!
The imagery in the alley is clear and horrifying.
His heart started to thud quickly as she knocked on the door.
This line shows his excitment and nervousness very well. The simple use of the thudding heart does it. We've all felt that, so we know how he feels. Good!
You have made this introduction of your novel very interesting. It has caused me to begin reading. The storyline is clear and the topic of a matchmaker angel is very original. I've not read of one before.
I will begin at the beginning, and try to read a couple of chapters a week. I look forward to it, as I opened Jupiter, and the first lines caught me fast. I think it's going to be good.
This is a good beginning, but I belive it needs more work. The rhythm is missing, I can't hear it.
When we argue and fight the pain I have is real.this line threw me out of the mood of finding a soul mate. Do you really need to reference fighting and pain in this one? It seems to be blocking the emotion of love to this reader.
I believe the rhythm will be helped by removing the 'wordy' words to make the lines tighter.
This is only a suggestion from one reader.
I was searching through the genres tonight finding New Year items to read, and here was this one in front of me all the time! Right there on the Public Review page where you spend a lot of time.
This is very well written! I'm not surprised at that though, I am a little surprised at how much I enjoyed it. You have given me thoughts to ponder on tonight, thank you. This is a very inspiring piece of writing.
This is a nice piece, I enjoyed reading it. It offers hope, and you wrote it well.
It's good to have the verse references included so the reader can look it up.
I did find spelling errors, and I know you want this to make the best impression it can, so I will point them out and correct them for you.
its all bad liqior and the --liquor-
There is nothing to great you cannot overcome if you are saved. --too--
you must be intersted --interested-
I have trully gotten --truly--
and quite the life of sin --quit--
any lower you can to! --too--
This is an enjoyable read. It could use some polishing to smooth a few lines, but it's basically a well done write. It needs to have genres filled in though, so readers will know what type of read it is.
This is a pretty good write. It is something most can relate to, I think. We've all thought of this question.
I did expect it to tell a bit about any answers you'd found. It seems a bit unfinished.
I am still dazed. It was for the first tie that I felt as if it was a stranger looking back at e from
A couple of typos here.
I suggest you cut the words --for-and -that--. They aren't needed and using too many will cause the piece to become wordy. Read it aloud without them. It still says the same thing.
It was for the first time that my reflection seemed so unfamiliar, so strange, and so cold. I feel ripped off my identity.
You can cut the word --for- it reads awkwardly. The word --off-- doesn't sound right. Did you maybe mean --of--?
What was me? A 5’8” organic clump of
Awkward. Try, What was I?
I looked up at the stars brighter than ever. This needs to be more clear. This actually says, "I looked-- brighter than ever." Be clear it is the stars which are brighter than ever.
An anjoyable read.
Well done!
esprit
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