Hello.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
This is not bad, you have some great areas. I have listed a few things I noticed as I read. The examples I give are suggestions only, and are meant for the entire piece, not those lines only.
I feel, awkwardly, another presence beyond nature following me.
I believe this is too weak, too 'telling'. I suggest a more emotional word for 'awkwardly' or no word at all, which would work too. The second bolded area is telling the reader too much, too clearly. You could cut the first two words and sub. 'around' or 'surrounding 'for 'following'. It would give the same info, but tighter. My subbed words are only off the top of my head, work with it and you'll find better ones. These are only for the purpose of explanation.
feel, awkwardly, another presence beyond nature following me. This presence lurks in shadows, behind the very walls of my home
Another idea, maybe better. Cut the bolded area, go directly to 'feel a presence lurking in the shadows,,,--This is a good line, descriptive and tense.
What is it that watches me in the halls to my room?
Is this the only area he is watched? If not, I would cut this. Extra words.
living daylight out of me
I don't know if it's cultural but, I've only heard this said as 'daylights'.
The morning of next, my head spins. It might as well, because I am so drowsy still;
This is not written clearly. Is this info needed? Can it be cut?
each step reverbrating in my ears
Spelling error--reverberating---can his footsteps really be heard by him? He's barefooted isn't he? Or did you mean he felt the steps, maybe by vibration? That wouldn't work either unless he was moving faster than a stumble. This caused a bump in logic to me.
A moment in the bathroom relieves my bowel, emptying me of the liquid I feared to that night.
I believe you mean 'bladder'. You need a word or two more in the bolded line to clear it up. 'I feared to empty during the night',
I am alert of a stalker, a{/c:red}
I wonder if 'alerted' or 'aware' would sound better?
the very same presence that haunts me moments at home
This line could be cut as being redundant.
My breath quickens, each deep, hard swallow influencing my pulse
Is 'swallow' correct? He swallows his breath?
After counting to three
Would he really have the presense of mind to count to three?
If you gave more details of strange things that happened before this night it would help tie the killings to the story. Why were they killed? Why the parents in this particular way? They has to be a reason. What did he owe? He knew but the readers don't. The reason is the main theme of the story, it's important.
The ending is very good, from the line I mentioned above. It shows fear and action. This is definitely worth revising. Get rid of most of the redundancy of mentioning the 'presence'. You should only need that one or two times for the readers to understand.
This has a 'major event' introduced and it has the 'crisis', but it has none of the other parts of a complete story. In other words you have the 'who' 'where' and 'how', but are missing the What, When, Why. Details that tell the whole story. The deaths of the family are gory, but with no explanation, no foreshadowing that this may happen, it don't have the scary impact that they should on a reader.
"Is anything alive?" I bellow, frantic.
From this line to the end is very, very good! It has real tension and excitement. It holds the readers attention.
I hope this feedback helps.
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