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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Remus *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a pretty good beginning. It's short, but the scene is set.

I suggest putting a title on it, even if you change it later.

I stared out into the sea green blue and wondered about a lot of things
Try switching these words around. 'the green-blue sea'. Does it sound better to you? Make more sense?

fisherman (the quiet ones) was around
I think you meant --fishermen-- was should be --were--
You've left the readers with a bit of mystery at the end. They're sure to want to read the next chapter to see what happened. Good job!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, *Smile*
Welcome to Writing.Com! You're going to love it.

This is a great story, you're very good!
It held my interest all the way. There was tenseness and a sympathy for the character. Good emotion.

Some things I noticed.

In your title you've got, CREAST. I wonder if you intended to write --CREST--?

“ Your bad Lucille, your stupid and
--you're--

Kentucky, it wasn’t far but it was far enough
You could cut the comma and the word -it-for a smoother line.

The east-facing window continued to traffic in bright morning sun causing
Good imagery!

With each little hic the baby gave out Lucille’s spine filled with steal.
spelling -- steel--

The telling his blew out again as the stopped.
--typos--

but it was to early to be getting real contractions she still had a whole month to wait.
--too-- I think you could end or slow the sentence with a period or a comma after contractions.

If your worried all I can tell ya is stay on the back roads and off the
--you're-- for 'you are'--

Honey your in labor ---you're--you are--

“Honey,” the round face of the woman repapered. She sounded worried. “We got not hope of getting to a hospital ---spelling/typos

“Honey your not alone. I’ll be for you
--you're-- A word seems to be missing between 'be -here? - for'


Hours past and Lucille cried out as people

---passed--

They helped her on a bus seat as she looked at her daughter.
This read a bit awkward to me. Work with it some, maybe, 'onto a seat'. You don't need the word --bus-- since that's obvious.

Wonderment filled her and she touched the baby’s silken skin
Try the word --as--instead of -and-. Does it read better to you?

woman opened up the car door and jumped in back. “I’m coming with.”
This woman seems to leave out words when she speaks. It doesn't sound like dialect, I would insert --you- or --her--or whatever you wish, but something to finish the thought.

As the car started to drive off they
You could say this less wordy. --As the car drove--is tighter. Work with it some.

muscular man with smudges of dirt answered.
Where were the smudges of dirt located?

still need time though, time to and learn who I am and how to be just that
----typo---an extra word or a missing word.

into one tough women she’s still my Lucy girl.”
--woman--

The main problem is typos. They always remain until the end of editing. *Smile*

I was expecting to see more of the landscape with the bus ride. Especially as they turned off the main road. I expected the area to be woody and dark. I think it would help set the main scene to show more in that area.

I thought it was a mite too handy for the car to show up 'just in time'. To me, it took away the feelings of tenseness the birth gave.

The build up of contractions was done very well. Wondering 'are they real or not' is wonderful for the readers participation.

There is a slight wordiness, but on the whole this is written very well. I enjoyed reading it. It read fast with no large stumbling blocks. Typos and a couple of suggestion only.

Well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of A Dark Presence  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello. *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Open in new Window.

This is not bad, you have some great areas. I have listed a few things I noticed as I read. The examples I give are suggestions only, and are meant for the entire piece, not those lines only. *Smile*

I feel, awkwardly, another presence beyond nature following me.
I believe this is too weak, too 'telling'. I suggest a more emotional word for 'awkwardly' or no word at all, which would work too. The second bolded area is telling the reader too much, too clearly. *Smile* You could cut the first two words and sub. 'around' or 'surrounding 'for 'following'. It would give the same info, but tighter. My subbed words are only off the top of my head, work with it and you'll find better ones. These are only for the purpose of explanation.

feel, awkwardly, another presence beyond nature following me. This presence lurks in shadows, behind the very walls of my home
Another idea, maybe better. Cut the bolded area, go directly to 'feel a presence lurking in the shadows,,,--This is a good line, descriptive and tense.

What is it that watches me in the halls to my room?
Is this the only area he is watched? If not, I would cut this. Extra words.

living daylight out of me
I don't know if it's cultural but, I've only heard this said as 'daylights'.

The morning of next, my head spins. It might as well, because I am so drowsy still;
This is not written clearly. Is this info needed? Can it be cut?

each step reverbrating in my ears
Spelling error--reverberating---can his footsteps really be heard by him? He's barefooted isn't he? Or did you mean he felt the steps, maybe by vibration? That wouldn't work either unless he was moving faster than a stumble. This caused a bump in logic to me.

A moment in the bathroom relieves my bowel, emptying me of the liquid I feared to that night.
I believe you mean 'bladder'. You need a word or two more in the bolded line to clear it up. 'I feared to empty during the night',

I am alert of a stalker, a{/c:red}
I wonder if 'alerted' or 'aware' would sound better?

the very same presence that haunts me moments at home
This line could be cut as being redundant.

My breath quickens, each deep, hard swallow influencing my pulse
Is 'swallow' correct? He swallows his breath?

After counting to three
Would he really have the presense of mind to count to three?

If you gave more details of strange things that happened before this night it would help tie the killings to the story. Why were they killed? Why the parents in this particular way? They has to be a reason. What did he owe? He knew but the readers don't. The reason is the main theme of the story, it's important.
The ending is very good, from the line I mentioned above. It shows fear and action. This is definitely worth revising. Get rid of most of the redundancy of mentioning the 'presence'. You should only need that one or two times for the readers to understand.

This has a 'major event' introduced and it has the 'crisis', but it has none of the other parts of a complete story. In other words you have the 'who' 'where' and 'how', but are missing the What, When, Why. Details that tell the whole story. The deaths of the family are gory, but with no explanation, no foreshadowing that this may happen, it don't have the scary impact that they should on a reader.

"Is anything alive?" I bellow, frantic.
From this line to the end is very, very good! It has real tension and excitement. It holds the readers attention.

I hope this feedback helps.

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello, *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Open in new Window.

You have the basics of a good story. You begin well, a good first line! I hope this feedback helps a little.

Some things I noticed.

You wanted to know how the characters are. Honestly, I think we need to know more about them. The main character is skimmed so lightly I only know he is very quiet, for sure.

"You said that everything had gone fine. So you're lying to me now?" she was saying.
She doesn't sound angry. Maybe a stronger tag line to show the anger would help?

"You can't do that!" He looked over at his computer where a smiling yellow face stuck a tongue out at him.
This is good; but I suggest adding his thoughts here. Show the readers, is he scared? surprised? Angry? He may even be feeling sudden tears, so he looked toward the monitor quickly. Need a strong emotion here to draw the readers sympathy.

Lady, if you eat these fries you'll explode.
A great line! It shows he hates his job and would love to walk out. But, I think if his thoughts were in italics, they would have a stronger impact on the readers.

worse as time went past.
I suggest cutting the word --went-. It causes wordiness, and it isn't needed. --past is passed. You could say simply, 'as time passed' for a tighter line.

"Samantha," said the red-head
I like this little bit of humor here. Good job!

seemingly clean
You will be advised this is a 'passive' word and try not to use it if possible. It's good advice. *Smile* You've used it twice within a short time. That is called 'repetition', also something to avoid if possible.

Ben paused then called out tentatively "H-hey, If you
You're doing a good job with this character. He's shy and troubled.

After a while, he just sopped caring about trying to lay roots
A typo--spelling--

One, he noted, weld a gigantic cartoon chicken.
You might want to look at this line again. Is 'weld' what you intended? I don't understand. It also isn't clear if the cartoon chicken is on television or with one of the people.

I found too many characters suddenly appearing at the end of this chap. I couldn't keep them straight. Are they all going to be important to the story? Do I need to remember them all?

The last couple of paras are in a very different tone. They left me with questions that I assume will be answered in the next chap. A mystery is coming, a bit of sci-fi maybe. It's made me curious to read on.

The work begins a bit slow, and I can't tell where it's going. You may lose a few readers here. The ending has given me a curiosity to read on, but I think it needs to come much sooner. I haven't quite figured out the theme either. From the genres I'm assuming a fantasy, mythology theme. Again, don't wait too long, readers don't have the patience to read through several chaps to get to the 'good part'. *Smile*

Don't be discouraged by the rate. The story is worth all the time you can spend on making it better.

Well done!
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Review of Come Uppance  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Viv,

This is wonderful! I can see this child (or adult) clearly. Good imagery.

You have listed comedy as a genre, but my funny bone is not tickling here. *Smile*
The words are too realistic to be funny, to me. I've seen and interactied with this type a few times,

I like the title, it caught my attention right away, and it fits well.

I hear a sadness and a hurt in the tone. And anger too. These two lines are where those emotions sound the strongest.

Never keeping the sorrow they cause
----
But the causes of grief never pause

The tone lifted a bit in the last verse. I could hear the hope, almost a hope of 'what goes around comes around'

You know, I still favor the iron skillet myself. They are lasting and trustworthy.

Well done, I enjoyed the read. It was a fun one to end the night on.

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Review of Because of You  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Gentle Fella

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I like the title and brief description, they fit well. You're right, this is simple and easy to understand. No change of confusion. You did a good job!

I enjoyed reading this, anyone would love to be thought of in this way.

Enjoy the site!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

you've a great idea for a scary story. You had my interest but it isn't completed. *Smile*

Some things I noticed.

Some you wonder if that really happened, some
You’re probably reading this thinking “you’re kidding…right

It's usually not a good idea for the author to speak directly to the readers like this. It's distracting and it will jerk the reader out of the world you are trying to pull him into.

This guy comes in my salon today
This makes him sound like just another client, but she has know him for years. Maybe more of an intro would let the readers see him too. What is his personality usually like. He seems to be a complete surprise to her today, but this is all the readers will know of him. I can't see him at all.

Haven’t you figured that out yet by now?”
This line reads awkwardly. You could cut this word, it would help.

I couldn’t believe this! I had known this guy for years and I had never thought that he would kill
Where did he say this? I heard him say something about a 'project', but nothing about killing. Give the readers his words, his body language, his way of speaking. Don't let another character speak for him.

After that little detail it clinched my decision to call the police {c:red]
Why did it take this detail to make an important decision? She would be dead either way. A little unrealistic thinking on her part.

All the color drained from my face
She couldn't see her own face, so she wouldn't know this. Could she?

The idea is good, no faults there. I suggest you slow it down, bring in some small details to allow the readers to see the scene clearly. 'Show' by imagery and emotion. I think with work, you will be very proud of this. All it takes is practice, lots of practice. We all hear the same thing. *Smile*

I wonder if you had her deal with him in some way, call the police, help the other girl, something, if it wouldn't be more interesting. If she only moves away, there's no story. Maybe you'd want to work with some more ideas?

It's not as easy as it looks. Keep writing!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of O Brother!  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello. *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Open in new Window.

You asked, Please do a Basic Overview

I will try, though I will point out things as I see them.

Some things I noticed.

Place a space between each paragraph.

has my Dad’s cell phone number on speed dial
This is good! It helps in the description of his brother; with humor.

Let’s get back to the story.
I suggest cutting this. You never left the story, you were telling about Chris. Speaking directly to the readers in this way pulls them from the fantasy of the story world. If they are enjoying the story, this could be jarring. *Smile* Second thoughts on this. See bottom of page.

The only way they can get him to mind himself is by bribing him.
This sounds odd to me. 'mind his manners?' 'mind them?' but, not himself. (I think).

suddenly I recognized the mystery voice.
The ending didn't clearly explain who the voice belonged to. By the time I got there, I had forgotten about this. Either build this up more or cut it. It didn't help move the story as it is now.

I had picked up my brother’s conversation that seemed strange. After all, there’s really a simple explanation for that, my old radio happened to be picking up the same frequencies that his cell phone used.
This sounds out of place, nothing to do with the story. It feels like 'filler' for word count. I suggest either making it more part of the story or cutting it. Short, short stories don't have room for fillers. If this was a novel, it would work. *Smile*

What seemed weird was the familiar voice that I had heard on the other line. I knew I had heard that voice before, I just didn’t know where.
More on the voice. Above, he said he recognized it, now he doesn't. I know you working with suspense and mystery, and it's not easy to do. Continue working with it and practicing. It's come to you. Give some good, firm hints, and don't contradict yourself.

I’m so nervous about the unidentified noises that I’m stuttering,
They must be loud to be heard upstairs from the basement. Give some details here. I had no idea he could still hear them, or that he was nervous until you told me.

I peeked out the crack in my bedroom door and I saw the knob on the basement door
I think you're going to have to describe the setting more clearly. I just can't image in my mind how he can see the basement doorknob from upstairs This causes a big bump in the reading..

When Manuel opened the door, they assumed it was me.
This is 'telling' the reader something he should already know from the previous lines. I did. Try not to do this. Your story should be clear enough to figure out without all this extra explaining.

You have a good story and a good outline. Fill in with some pertinent details, cut the ones that aren't, and stick to the storyline all the way.

I like the cross-word 'surprise'. Good idea, but I couldn't appreciate it until the story was read. *Smile* Very creative!

Second thoughts.
Talking directly to the readers, mentioned above. This style is coming across as a conversation, a story-telling, so that makes the direct speak more acceptable. In my opinion, anyway. You stayed with the style all the way and that's another plus. So, it works in this piece. I like it.

But the reference to Manual, above, still stands. I would cut that part.

My overall view is this is a good start, I like it. Well done!

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Review of Frustrated  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, E. Austin *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

You know, I like this. The rhyme isn't truly consistent, but it works. The message is clearly emotional. I read this three or four times, and each time it sounded better to me.

now you're tryna take the words back
I stumbled over this word. I think if you changed it to plain --trying to--, it would read smoother.

Fix the format so the lines aren't so far apart and it will give a better first impression.

I really liked the repetition of the words, --you left me--. It ties the piece together like the chorus of a song.

I enjoyed reading this. I hope you find the review forums and receive more useful feedback. If you have any questions about the site, just click on the envelope beside the handles, and ask. We are here to help.

Well done, enjoy the site!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello again, Mandik

This is an enjoyable, easy read. You are very good with descriptive writing.

Some things I noticed.

I pulled in front of a gate and looked around.
Starting with these words, the rest of the para. could use a bit of rewrite for clarity. I can't see where they are. I don't know if they walked throught this gate to a locked door.

We started back for the car when we heard the gate groan open
In my mind, the gate is between them and the car. Set up the setting more clearly so the readers can see this.

“If you notice, he is getting along without it now, but we will try to set it and see what happens.”
The 'tone' of these words make the volunteer sound a bit snippy to me. Also, she didn't quite answer the question. Maybe she couldn't?

especially ones aloud to roam
spelling --allowed--

He was a terribly shy and stayed to the
--cut the -a-

I was only asked to given them a week or so
---give---

One week later, exactly, my children and I typed in Hawk Creek’s
I'm surprised you waited a week! I would think the site would be checked more often. *Laugh*

I now know that helping him
These words a little distracting. They sound like you had doubts at first, and I didn't see or hear any doubts.

This is written well and read easy. I found the tone changed from a family scene to an informative essay on the plight of wild animals, children will find it interesting. Adults too. *Smile*

Again, well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of Absolution  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Elandariel *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Open in new Window.

Oh, my goodness, what a picture you have painted here. Beautiful! I had tears by the ending. Good job!

I found only one bump.

"Sorry about my shoes. I couldn't find any plain black shoes." I shift my weight and feel self-conscious in my brown shoes
I bolded --shoes- so you would see what a reader sees. The word is used three times very close together. Try to cut at least one, the second maybe.

There is no need for the INTRO RATE to be NON-E. There is nothing in the title or Brief Description to warrant it. It's your choice, but a rate of E may bring you more readers.

I enjoyed reading this so much. You're a good writer, I hope you know that. All you need is practice and encouragement. This is the site for both of those things.

The emotion is strong and realistic, this character is real. She is shown well. The setting is clear, and the actions are realistic. {from my experience, at least.}

Well done!

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Review of Central Point  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, Flitcraft. *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Open in new Window.

This is interesting and I like what I've read so far. I don't see anything indicating there are more chaps. to come though, and this isn't a completed story. I hope you're adding more to this. It's hooked me in now and I want to know what's happening. *Smile*

Some things I noticed.

and the engine starts to roar. Man, she sounds just like a little kitten, he thinks
I don't think this is the right comparison, is it? A kitten 'purrs', but it doesn't 'roar'.

The car sails out of its kangaroo pocket down on the porch

This is a hard image to see. Read the line alone, does it say exactly what you meant? 'pocket down on the porch'? What does that mean, exactly? What should the readers see?

John, I’ve made some changes to your planning today but I’m sure you
I think this would sound better as --plans--. What do you think?

They hug once again and John exits
This whole para reads like a play script, setting the scene for actors. The result is a lot of 'telling' the readers, and little 'showing'. Did you notice that?

This storyline is good and it's intriquing, it caught my interest well. There are no answers though. The Who, What, When, Where and Why are not here.

The Brief Description hints at more by saying 'things are not as they seem'. How do they seem? The readers need some details filled in. Where are we going? Why are we here? Hmmm, I have to assume this is the complete story, and it does need more work. Why do the readers need to know about the level he parked on? Why did his co-workers cheer when he entered the room?

This has more 'telling' then 'showing'. Have you read and studied how to 'show'? More practice is needed with that. There are some good articles on the site if you wanted to read about it.

Keep in mind this is only one reader's opinion, and it is intended to help you see what one reader sees.

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello. *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Open in new Window.

I like this. It reads fast and fun. Kids will like the repetition I think. It would be fun to hear kids chant it. I can almost hear them now. *Smile*

Let’s all spin around like tops
Let’s pretend that we are cowboys
Let’s all run around and hop!
I have no suggestion, but this is one bump I noticed, and it's a small one.

Now it’s time to dream goodbye.
I wonder if 'goodbye' is a good word though. It almost brings the tone down to sadness. Goodbye is so permanent sounding to a child.

This is one opinion only, please remember. *Smile*

You've done a good job with this, good luck in the contest.

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Review of The Sun Dial  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com

I like this. The rhyme and rhythm are good and consistent. It reads smoothly.

The imagery is good and clear.
Well done!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review of The Licorice Scar  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, Cecelia

It's been a while since I've read your work. This is so well done, it was a pleasure.

I noticed a review on the public page and the comments made me want to read it too.

The emotion and the imagery are strong, they pull the reader into the room to watch from the sidelines. I wanted to leave but I couldn't, any more than the child could. Ah, memories. We all have them, don't we?

I can see why this won the ribbon, it is very good; but your work always is. *Smile*

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Review of Tears in The Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I like your poem, and personally, I think it would make a great song. I really like the words of howling wind and rain. Good imagery!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,
Welcome to Writing.Com

Oh, wow! The emotion is strong in this one. I like it. The tone is real, I can tell this came straight from your heart. Good job!

I noticed nothing wrong in it.
This is a poem that all can relate to in some way.

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Review of The Warrior  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, Grey_eyes

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Your Brief Description says this needs help, but I'd like to know just where?!!

This is wonderful imagery! The first lines lulled me in and held me there. I was there with the boy and could see the scene clearly. You are a talented writer!

I hope you continue this, I look forward to see how the enemy accepts his challenge. *Smile*

Hit the enter key between each para to leave a space for the readers to rest their eyes. You don't want them to lose their places.

No suggestions, just keep doing what you're doing.

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I hope you're enjoying the community and finding useful feedback.

I think this is going to be an adventure story, probably a series of them, right? It sounds pretty good so far. It's caught my interest.

Some things I noticed.

I nearly my good friend, retired
Read this line aloud. It doesn't say what you intended to say.

But ther was no answer --typo--

plunged us into a labyrinth of conspiracies I like this line! It's wonderful!

It's a bit short to comment on the content, plot or characters yet, but I will follow along with the chapters and see where you take them. Don't worry about the rate at this point. It changes as the story grows.

I like the Detective's name. *Smile*

Keep on writing!

Be sure to subscribe to the Newbie Newsletter on your My Account page. You never know when your work will be highlighted!

esprit
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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Sephronel Mae

I found your request on "Please Review" Open in new Window. for serious feedback!

the sprawling city of stone trees below him
emerged from the room inside the tree

I thought at first this referred to buildings of stone as thick as a forest. Clarity is needed.

Having spent his whole life looking for a single
I notice a tendency toward wordness. For instance, in this short para. the word 'magic' appears five times.

concentrated spots of magic throughout land that. Most
This line ends strange. I suggest checking it.

He looked up suddenly and was momentarily distracted as he thought he recognized a familiar voice.
This is saying he looked up first and then heard the voice. Is this what you meant? A little confusing.

Siolden sighed exoplosively, and threw his chair back ----spelling--

"I simply do not agree with the path of the profession... Our methods our crude - when once we built magical
Is this word a typo? Did you intend --are--?

Again, before he could stop himself. Siolden was on his feet and in one
He is already standing. He rose a few lines back.

The broad warrior heaved himself dignifiedly from his bed and embarked on his day.
You have a tendency to use extra words which in turn make your piece a bit wordy. For instance, this word. Is it needed? Did he rise differently from other people? Does this help the reader see this character better?

The streets of Stone Glade had never been so unwelcoming as Siolden strode anxiously along the busy streets,
Repeating words and phrases cause more wordiness than clarity. Be aware of this and cut as many unnecessary words as possible to make the work tight and smooth.

sudden vivid memory of the feel of her small hands sudden irrational notion that all would be right in his world if he could find himself looking up at her endearing crooked smile just one more time
Another example of repeating. It's okay if the words are needed for clarity, but I don't feel they are. --just--could be cut, too.

One corner of her mouth tucked itself into the promise of a smile.
I like the way this keeps coming up. *Smile*
It makes her look sweet, and the dimples.

Siolden felt weak and something uncomfortableThis line is off. Maybe the word 'something' could be changed or cut?

A very hollow life stretched ahead, and that even this moment of ultimate triumph was not enough to live on.
Could this word be cut? Read the line without it and you decide.

It is a good story, but I agree with you. It is long-winded. *Smile*

Wordiness causes most of this problem. You could cut the many references to how he hates the town, one should be enough if it is told strongly so the readers remember. Although, as I think of it, I don't see the irritation. He says it only. Would he feel the same about 'any town'?

There are other places where you mention the same things more than once. Search them out and trim, cut and tighten.

You've done pretty good with the setting descriptions. I still don't understand the 'stone trees'. It was never explained. Are these old, fossilized trees? Don't tell me, tell the readers.

This is a love story and the emotion of love became very well done at the end. I suppose humans have always been this way. Looking for the illusive for years and almost missing the true magic right in front of them.

Good job!

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Review of Behind the Bushes  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hello,

I enjoyed reading this, and I hope to point out a few things to help. I noticed your Brief Descrtption,
This is a work in progress, please keep that in mind....

All of the work on the site is WIP. Feedback is intended to help it become finished.
You also ask if you should continue this one.

That's up to you, it's your work. I can tell you though, to become better you have to stick with it. It would be easier to continue one you already have the bones of then to begin a new one and start all over. No one writes a perfect draft. It takes many rewrites to become good. Just my advice, because the question was asked.

Some things I noticed.

It was her first day at the exhibit and already she was ready to go home. She had been doing the craft exhibits for almost a year
This line needs to be clearer. Maybe explain it's the First day at this new site, and tell how long the exhibit will last. A week?

In her mind she rationalized this betrayal of her friend. Aimee told herself that Jane
This para is pretty convuluted with who said what and why. It's confusing.
How does Jane know what Aimee was thinking about? The point of view changed here.

Jane was swooning after the phone conversation
The para just before this said that Aimee enphasized Jane's bad points. Why is she swooning? It's inconsistent.

Her store was doing pretty well, now anyway I suggest cutting this word. It sounds awkward because it doesn't apply.

Aimee called John and invited him to dinner. He reluctantly agreed and came to her apartment
I think some dialog here would help 'show' her personality, and John's at the same time. What did she have to say to convince a reluctant John?

Aimee wasn't that into cooking so she cooked the only thing she could make without burning something. Spaghetti. It was a good spaghetti
The first bolded words sound awkward. It's slang. If you're directing this to a general audience, it might be a good idea to avoid it. Slang changes too quickly. The other bolded words are extra and cause wordiness.

She figured if she could get to know John better, she could blow Jane out
This is a good spot to show her thoughts, let the reader get to know her.

without noticing the man in the corner. He was tall, inconspicuous, blue eyes, long black hair
This is contradictory. I suggest adding his description in another area, if it's needed at all. If she didn't notice him, the readers shouldn't know what he looks like.

time to hit the clubs tonight. If Aimee didn't have other plans that was.
I thought she was anxious to see John. Why Aimee?

She was too involved with John at that point and decided to let it ring
More 'showing' is needed here. Show the scene, with dialog.

waived him off and ---spelling--

now and she was getting excited
The readers know she is already excited. Maybe a different term would work better here.

As she got closer, she decided she should stop and let Aimee know she
This is all 'telling'. Change the wording to show her thinking this.

His touch was just electrifying

Another unnessary word. Your writing will be tighter and more suspensful if you are aware of these words that don't help. We all use them and we all are told to cut them. I'm just passing on the tip. *Smile*

He looked like he was writing something or maybe reading something.
Repeating a word too close is distracting and can cause a good work to become boring. You don't want words to become noticeable because the reader is pulled from the story. I suggest cutting the first.

she didn't notice the blue cavelier behind her. It wasn't close behind her, but definately behind her
Again, this is giving the story away too soon. She didn't notice so, she wouldn't know this. Keep this as a surprise so the readers will be as shocked as the character. Suspense. Let the readers guess, don't tell them.

John wanted to resist, He tried
I don't think he did at all. I heard no protests or guilt from his mouth.

As she was bent over she didn't see the blue cavelier pull into a space behind her
Now this is the way to 'show' it! Good job!

as soon as he was at his car it was gone. Make sure the lines are crystal clear. This sounds like the car could have disappeared as soon as he got there. I know what you meant, but make it clearer.

The storyline is good, it seems to be coming along okay. The writing is wordy though. The beginning para is not too exciting to a reader. You need a good 'hook' there especially, to pull the readers in and make them want to read on. You might choose something from an area of fear; I feel that it may be coming, and use that as an opening. Then go back to get us there. Like a flashback.

Feedback is intended to help, I hope some of this is helpful to you.

You're doing a good job with your imagination.
One other thing I noticed. What are the ages? I think they are supposed to be in their twenties, but their voices, especially Jane, since she's the main character, sounds very young. Teenish in her tone, words, and actions. I can't get her image.

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Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Liuba

I found your request on "Please Review" Open in new Window.

This is a good scene. Well written!
I didn't notice any typos or other problems, you proofread don't you? *Smile*

He said he was Death, but I got the impression it was her. She seems wicked. *Smile*

This held my interest all the way and I could see the scene clearly. You're good with the imagery/descriptions. It reads smoothly.

You did a wonderful job with this scene.

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Review of Regretful hearts  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello,

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is an emotional poem, I can hear the pain behind the words. You did a good job with it.

I did find a bump. [for me]

They think she can do it,
But she?s not
I know you know what you meant, but I don't, as a reader.

It would better to go through it all at once Did you leave the word --BE --better,,, off on purpose?

Unspeakable things she?s done
They won?t go --these are typos. You can catch them by opening the page after you've pasted it from your computer, and reading it.

These things happen to us all. *Smile*

I enjoyed reading this.

Be sure to read this week's edition of the Newbie Newsletter. "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.
Subscribe Now- You Never Know When Your Work Will Be Highlighted!

esprit
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Review of 89 cents a day  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello, Tyler

welcome to Writing.Com!

I guess we've all seen this commercial, and it is a heart-grabber, isn't it. *Smile*

You've written your own little commercial here, and you did it pretty well.

Some things I noticed.

child like Rosie here in Uganda has little food, no education, and no
There is a word missing here. The sentence is not complete.

you were in there shoes
spelling error -- their--

I will read some more of your work in a day or two. I think you're going to like it here, I hope so anyway. *Smile*

Good job!

Be sure to read this week's edition of the Newbie Newsletter. "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. Subscribe Now- You Never Know When Your Work Will Be Highlighted!

esprit
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Review of The Intervention  Open in new Window.
Review by esprit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Chief.

I found your request on "Please Review" Open in new Window.

This is a great story! The emotions, fear and suspense are strong throughout.

The main character is well developed and I followed the scenes well through his eyes. You did a good job!

Some things I noticed.

Three years ago, after learning that Katie was pregnant with Cole

The boy is said to be five years old in several places. Did I miss something important, or is this an error? It is a big bump in consistency.

She was in another part of the state;

a drive that usually ate up a half hour or more
Another part of the state implies hours away to my mind. It is a small distraction only, but still a distraction. Another 'town' would work just as well and make the fast drive more believable.

then you find yourself in front of the bullet that wouldv’e killed Cole.
--I can't find this in Dic.com or my dictionaries. I think if you used 'would have' it would say the same, and read smoother. If you have it in your dictionary, leave it.
*Smile*

This is a well done story and I enjoyed every bit of it. The descriptions are all done well, I could feel the cold and his fear.

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