You have a good outline here, it needs a bit more work though. In my opinion.
It has some confusing lines and thoughts. It doesn't really seem to be about Grandmother, but more about the narrator.
The rhyme is not consistent. Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn't.
Another to my best friend and my grandmotherthis sounds like two different people. If you removed the word --and--and added a comma instead it would fix it.
Going no where. ---This is one word.
But yet you others, I feel so alive.
Confusing. What is meant here?
Or just to not be known alive.
A confusing thought. Can you make it clearer?
I have met a new.
A beau,
--a new--this doesn't sound too good. If you removed the period and made this one sentence, it would be clearer. a new beau.
A good start. If you work on it, I would be glad to read it again. My rate will change as the work does.
This is a good start, a little more work and it will shine!
I like the message and the tone of this. It's friendly and nice to read. Nothing dark here!
I walk along through ghosts
when I first ran into you you stubbed my toeYou might to clarify these lines more to give a clearer image. Explain the 'ghost' reference.
How did the ghost stub someone else's toe? I can't imagine this.
me ever sense ---spelling--since--
Eventhough love didn't first exist
These are two separate words.
somthing honest and real --a typo--
As I take a continue through other towns This line is awkward to me. Try taking out the bolded words and read the line. Does it make more sense? It reads smoother I think.
I hope you continue with this, I like the theme and believe it's worth any extra time to perfect it. If you do, and let me know, I'll come back and read it again. My rate changes as the work changes.
I am in the mood for comedy this morning. This is pretty funny, but the actions were too serious to be laughed at. There could have been tragedy. But, you know that already.
I like the way it all spins from one event to the next, like a movie. You did good with the telling and the readers are able to see this played out clearly. The imagery is excellent.
This story builds slowly to a dramatic climax that I didn't see coming. Well done!
The character's are well developed and realistic, again, the dialog is perfect.
I like the tone, descriptions, setting, theme and conclusion. It all works well together. No problems at all. Personally, I would like to see a second chapter showing her leaving him.
This is a good poem! The emotion is strong and the imagery is pretty good. It tells a true story that many can feel through your words.
a spirit forms, further broken
as growing numbness rejects all pain.
This word threw me off balance a little. It sounds like a 'new, separate' spirit. I wonder if working with the word, --forms-- would clarify? So the reader would see one spirit, not more. the spirit 'bends--deflates, aches,,,? I'm not a poet, so I may be way off here, but the word forms gives me the image of a new spirit each time its hurt. That's not what you meant.
I enjoyed reading this, even as I felt the sad emotions come through strongly. All memories cannot be happy, can they?
I love biographical pieces, I have some too. I have been very careful to only tell the good stuff though. Not very honest, I guess. But, I'm not very brave.
Tod, my Mother’s new husband
Is this a typo? He is called Ted further on.
You wrote this well.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like this poem. It is thoughtful, and everyone can relate to it because everyone has watched the clouds float by.
It has good rhyme and rhythm too.
Good imagery!
I found your request for a review. I'm not a poet, so will make no suggestions. I don't think you need any, anyway.
I began reading this as a poem and couldn't. The rhyme and rhythm are both off beat. Then I checked the genre and sure enough, its prose. Good.
I don't think anyone wants war.
"Would YOU give it all up
To preserve what freedom means
In the US of A,
Our way,
Today, to be alive and okay?"
My personal answer to this is, Yes.
I can't quite decide what this means to you. As this is listed as opinion, it should be clear to the readers, but it isn't to me. Reading this, I can't tell which way you're leaning. Obviously, I'm missing something. Sorry.
I noticed no typos. You might think about how you could make you opinion clearer to the readers, if that is what you're trying to do.
As a thinking piece, this is good. It will cause some to stop and think about the important things, like freedom.
This is a great, well written story! I enjoyed it very much.
The imagery is good, and allows the reader to see the setting well.
The beginning is exciting and the content has the action to catch the readers and hold them. It reads fast and easy.
I love ghost stories, and I couldn't resist reading just one more.
This one too, has most of the work done. The story is told, and it's good. Now, it's time to revise, then tighten. The work begins. If you want to. You have to like it well enough to be willing to work hard though.
I noticed a lot of use of the word 'graves'. Be careful of repeating the same word too often, readers become annoyed and bored easily. You know that, you're a reader. Try to get rid of some of them.
You forgot the paragraphs again!
I jerked my head towards the direction of the sound in which I heard it.
These bolded words are not needed. They tend to make the work 'wordy'. Wordy can equal 'boredom'. You can cut them out to tighten the line.
“Crunch” went something under my left foot. I picked up my left foot and gasped.
This is repeating the information. You need to be careful of that too. No need to repeat. Just cut it to say something like; 'I looked at it and gasped.' Be sure it makes sense though.
I was like a football player dodging tacklers.
This is good! It 'shows' clearly what the character is doing. The readers can see this. Good job!
These are just a couple of tips for you, keep writing, it's good practice and the only way to learn. I can tell you love to write, and you're pretty good at it.
I checked your port and found this one. The theme is very well thought out, and the storyline is good.
Are you going to be working on this one more?
I think you could work with this and have yourelf a wonderful ghost story. The makings are here, they just need to be worked with.
I would be glad to try to help if you're interested. I won't suggest anything until I know if you want to revise though. It'll be a lot of work and you may want to go on with your other writings. That's okay, everytime you write something new, you're learning too.
This is the same as the first, why do you have two posted?
I noticed tortured is spelled correctly here, is this the corrected copy? You know you can edit without writing a whole new piece, don't you? Just go into EDIT and fix it, then scroll down and click the Complete Edit button. Presto, it's fixed.
I'm having a hard time trying to figure if this piece is a journal/diary entry or the beginning of a short story. I assume it's not fiction, but you've given no genre to help the reader know what this is. 'Other' doesn't help.
seem it will burst from my chest
seems--
chest and fly ring into his waiting hand.I don't know what this means.
right into his waiting arms.
If this is a personal journal entry, I wouldn't comment on the thoughts at all. You might want to clarify the genre.
If his hand and his arms are waiting, what is the problem? I assumed there was a break-up of some kind, but this is a bit confusing to an outsider who only has the information that is written. If the readers are to understand, you will need to make it clearer.
I like the theme, though it has been done before. I think with plenty of imaginative thinking you could make it original.
Sci Fi is popular, I like it too, I can't write it though.
we eventually wipe them out
This always happens. It's the same old story.
What can you do to change this? Could humans and Croydonites' actully learn to live together? lol
My vote is yes, write the story. You have a good idea, just make it original. You can do it.
I like your comment in the request. You're lucky to have someone who actually reads your work.
The poem is well written and I enjoyed it, but, I felt it to be more comedy than drama. The tone and words of the last verse brought a smile instead of a frown to me. I assume comedy is not intended, sorry. You might want to work on the last verse to change the emotion.
You need to list it under poetry instead of other, so the searchers will know the type before it is opened.
A good poem, and I enjoyed it,
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/storytime/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/48
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.53 seconds at 12:35am on Jul 04, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
