I like the theme, though it has been done before. I think with plenty of imaginative thinking you could make it original.
Sci Fi is popular, I like it too, I can't write it though.
we eventually wipe them out
This always happens. It's the same old story.
What can you do to change this? Could humans and Croydonites' actully learn to live together? lol
My vote is yes, write the story. You have a good idea, just make it original. You can do it.
I like your comment in the request. You're lucky to have someone who actually reads your work.
The poem is well written and I enjoyed it, but, I felt it to be more comedy than drama. The tone and words of the last verse brought a smile instead of a frown to me. I assume comedy is not intended, sorry. You might want to work on the last verse to change the emotion.
You need to list it under poetry instead of other, so the searchers will know the type before it is opened.
This reads fast, easy and is enjoyable. I liked it, and I know your mom did too. I would love to get a letter like this.
Knowing it's important I found a couple of typos for you, because we always miss our own. Writing online is much easier to read with a space between each paragraph. To rest the eyes on.
I sure hope your doing well. you're
I love bills pool need capital Your so strong mom, you you're
I love how you always had the cure
I like this line! It says it all.
I'm rating the folder because I've read all of these, and found them good.
I'm going to suggest something though, change the description on the folder. You are putting your writing down. I know you wrote this several weeks ago when you were unsure, but, it's time to change it.
You always use such wonderful imagery in your work. The readers are able to see exactly what you show them.
You were the radical, and I think you still are. Those were the days, weren't they? Both glad and bad. I remember well.
I read this, and I see that you changed the two words I mentioned. I do understand the poet's perogative and you didn't have to change them you know, certainly not on my opinion.
It was good before and it still is, though now it rhymes all the way.
I am always proud of you, G-G-S, and yes, I am pleased. You are going to be published if you start submitting your work. I hope you already have.
This is good! It is written well, with good imagery. I had no trouble seeing the setting at all.
It seemed to me to take an eternity to get there,
Read this line without the bolded words to see how it sounds to you. I suggest cutting them if you agree. The line will be tighter.
towards my make-up table coming to rest against the chair with my name on the back
The word --my-- is used twice here, and it really jumped out at me. Can you cut the first? Maybe just use the word --the--?
there way through my blood stream
spelling typo --
A tall, heavyset women stood alone typo -- woman--
This is a good scene that is shown well. You painted a good picture.
What a cute handle. I didn't realize what it said until I began to type it. Nice.
You said this was a personal poem. I think most, if not all poems are personal to the authors. Readers find their own meanings in them. Don't you think so?
This has a lot of emotion in it. Starts out fearfully but, the ending shows hope and strenght. I liked it.
I wonder about the rhyme scheme. The lines don't all rhyme in the same way. Did you notice? Sometimes, writers are so close to their writing that they don't notice things. That's why this site is so great. There are lots of readers!
Also, each verse has two lines except for the last. But it reads well, and has a fairly consistent rhythm all the way. The message is great.
No typos!
This is a good intro, I throughly enjoyed it. The scene was painted expertly. The setting is clearly visable.
I have a few questions that I won't ask because they may be answered in the first chapter.
My feedback is offered to help the author see this through a reader's eyes. I hope it helps.
Does it have the tension to hook you?
You asked this question in your request. I can answer yes! It does.
A good beginning. It does tend to begin slow but the word choices are good, and kept me reading.
as if forcing her to acknowledge its presence
I suggest cutting these bolded words.
Once more the ringing begins, only to be cut short. She hears a short message in her own voice and then a loud beep
I found it confusing that the machine didn't pick up the rings before. Maybe cutting the words referring to the second time would fix it.
The line closed and then there was static until the machine hung up
In this paragraph, there are three sentences beginning with -- She -- and three beginning with -- As she --. Be aware of this as you revise and try to vary them more. They become noticeable to readers, and aren't too exciting.
blood caked in her hair stuck to the carpet
This is good 'showing'. We now know the character is on the floor, hurt, and you didn't have to 'tell' us. Good job!
HAD Try to lose some of the uses of -- HAD --. There are a lot. Extra words cause wordiness, not good.
The waistband of her skirt Since you've already identified a dress, you don't need the repeated information. You could cut these bolded words.
The more she thought about what was going on, the more she could feel throbbing ache A word is missing between these bolded ones.
the same shroud of terror fall over her as the night before.
This is a good transition back in time. You leave no confusion.
The doctor's only interest outside his work was antiques and his home reflected it. This jerked me out of the story. I thought something was missing. I suggest sticking with the word -'Professor' --to avoid that. The reader was tense and involved with the character at this point, so was annoyed to be pulled back.
would have to lift her legs and swing high to get over inside the tub
I suggest cutting the bolded word -- over --. It isn't needed and is a bit awkward to read here.
The now searing pain she felt would make any such maneuvers impossible
The same suggestion here. --now -- is an extra word.
She would burn the clothes too; she didn’t want anything that had touched their hands. This line doesn't fit. The clothes were ripped to shreds. there wouldn't be anything to keep anyway. A slight rewording will fix any confusion.
I believe the character would be more believable if she could show a bit more anxiety though. She is probably in shock, but she is too calm for the injuries she has.
This is good, I liked it. You have begun a mighty adventure here. I hope more chapters are in the works.
He thrust out his mighty tail and balanced himself perfectly. He wrapped one foreleg around a tree to further stabilize his great 3 ton bulk, and the other he let swing at his side, nervously clicking his ten inch claws together.
This picture is wonderful! It's funny and it shows his fear perfectly. Good job with this!
The sloth made a valiant attempt to compose himself now as the sounds grew closer. After all,
The wind had just shifted and was definitely in his favor.
I suggest cutting -- now--. To me, it sounds good without it. The same with - just-- you know what they say about these wordy words. If they aren't needed, lose them.
By his Great Grand Godmother's long-furred tail,
Uh, G-G-S.? Now I know why the persistence. I love it!
He peered around the tree, but saw nothingAnother great picture!
I noticed no typos or othere issues. You're a good writer!
You asked if this was any good. Yes! Definitely continue.
This caught my attention right away and held it. I like the way you are introducing each couple. You are giving just enough information to show their backgrounds and to let the readers get to know each of them.
Apparently, you lost the paragraphs during the copy and paste procedure. I suggest a space between each para for a better looking page, and to make reading easier for your readers. Space helps tremendously with that.
My feedback is offered to show the author what a reader sees. I hope it is helpful.
I know this is a draft, but when I review, I point out everything I see, which includes spelling and typos. Even if you're not editing yet. Some find it useful to fix these things as they go, some don't. It's entirely up to you, but it will affect your rate.
I don't do punctuation.
he wasn’t available, and Jonathon spelling is different.
out of here coma, the doctor’s felt she would be fine --typo--
her. They were so close at one time. What had happened? Where did his wife go?
Chapter One
October 25, 1994
Wendy Marshall sat at her vanity looking the mirror.
The spaces were lost somewhere. You need at least one space separating each.
Wendy Marshall sat at her vanity looking the mirror -- A word is missing --
If she asked the maid, but Liza would cover for him and say he left early for the hospital.
The bolded word -- but -- causes this line to read awkwardly to me. I think you could cut it safely.
salesman, she had never really had to work in her life.
The bolded words are causing this to become wordy. You could safely cut them for a tighter, smoother read.
The alarm clocked blared in Tom Olney’s earA typo --
partner at a large law firm in town working very hard to advance her
Unless this town is going to be a different setting from the home, or will be important later in the story, I suggest cutting the bolded words. Wordy is not good.
“Things used to be so different” he thought.I know you are new to the site, and don't know where WritingML is located. [AUTHORS TOOLS, left top of your screen]
Thoughts are usually in italics. Like this, pay particular attention to the SHIFT, SQUIGGLEY PARENS.
{i}your thoughts here {/i}
the bar on the “business lunches” and nearly have to escorted to the
--A missing word--
day usually last just long enough to get the first cigarette of the day
add an --S-- to last--
She rather enjoyed her morning ritual, it was the only “quality” she had with her kids
I think you need to add the word --time-- after quality to make a more complete thought.
I just found your forum, and I get to be first to rate it! Yea!
This is a great group of encouragers, and I want to be the first to say thank you for doing what you do. It's nice. I know, those are plain and simple words, but I mean them.
I hope the group stays healthy for a long time to continue the good work.
I found this on the side column under Sponsored Items.
You sure didn't waste your time while waiting! This is good. It has humor and despair, both shown clearly. There are thousands of members who will relate to this one!
I found this on the Request a Review page, where you requested a thorough review. I will do what I can.
First, the reviewer needs to know the audience this is written toward. It certainly is not a general one.
My first impression was this was written in satire, but I changed my mind about that. This is serious work.
I found it very difficult to read. The complicated wording is very hard to follow, causing the reader to have to re-read almost every line to catch the meaning. At the end, I still don't know why you disagree with the definition, except it has something to do with the lack of writing on today's apple.???
That's my view, and it's probably wrong.
As I said, it's very difficult to decifer.
Therefore, neither from syntactic and intellectual logic, nor from human or natural initiative should the construction of imagery divorceable-and just as little could one divorce its valid definition from logic and initiative.
Is the word - be - missing here?
From the above mythical anecdote, the apple of the Trojan war (as it is right to be called) came from and “ arouse out of ” an egotistic outrage. Should this be 'arose' out of -- ???
competition the three people (presumably ladies) each of whom fancied herself the most beautiful one out. Do you this word??
malificence and combustibility subsuming possibilities of FIERCE strife,
Usually, emphasis is better shown with italics than with capitals.
Boy, you sure worked on this! What a vocabulary you have! Great job there.
But, using all these words cause this to be a boring, difficult read for the general audience. I suggest you lighten up and write in more simple, easy to understand terms. Even encyclopedias are easy to understand. A bit of humor wouldn't hurt either.
Use of so many parens cause even more distraction.
I like the theme a lot, it's interesting. I would enjoy it if it was easier to read.
I must rate it an average because of these things.
This is pretty good. It is written well. I did have a problem trying to figure out the genre though.
Prose? You need to take advantage of the main item type, and the three sub-genres available on your Edit Page. You will recieve more readers. I know it's all confusing but soon you'll be whipping around the site intructing others.
“When you go it, you got it,” he used
to say to his friends.
I believe this is a typo. Did you mean - got it?
This read fast and easy and it was enjoyable. I liked the story told.
The writing is good, and the emotions come through well. I can feel the sad tone all the way through. You did good in that area.
I don't write poetry, so I offer this feedback as a reader of poetry.
I was distracted by the use of the word 'me' used so often. I know poetry can repeat, and I'm not talking about that. There is one verse that doesn't end with the word 'me'.
Sometimes it rhymes on purpose, then it doesn't.
Shouldn't rhyme be consistent? Either it rhymes or it doesn't?
The first three verses are four lines, then five, six, and ending with seven. Is this a poetry form? Interesting. I attempted to find the rhythm by reading aloud, but I couldn't. Is it meant to not have one?
Poetry is hard to write, I won't even attempt it. I did like the message and emotion in this one. If you continue to work on it, I believe you would have a winner.
Hey, Why aren't you plugging your work? I'm so sorry you've been here since March and have not been read.
This is good! The writing is clear and descriptive. The tension is felt by this reader. I can see the scene clearly. The last line is so sad, and realistic of the time.
I would suggest you go into edit though, bring the lines closer together by one space. Right now, the spaces are too wide.
This is almost entirely dialogue, and it sounds realistic. You did well with this first write.
I want to welcome you to Writing.Com, even though I'm eight months late.
This is a very well done story! The emotion is strong, the reader is drawn in well.
The narrator's voice is heard clearly throughout, telling the story as the pictures flow by. Well done!
I found a few issues, and a couple of suggestions. Small stuff.
and you knocked me over off the sidewalk This looks like a left over word. It needs to be cut.
apartment after almost two monthes of months
Only your IN the ground instead of on it,you're
above the freshly buried grave
This doesn't sound right. Perhaps, freshly dug grave?
the rain, noone but the wind could hear these are two words - no one
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