This is very good! It reads smoothly and easily. The rhyme and rhythm are both well done and sounds good to me. I only found a couple of lines that bumped and I believe they are oly a syllable or two off. Easy fixes.
I love the message. It's romantic, and the imagery is beautiful to see.
I come to you in each drop of falling rain, while I wash away your tears of all inner pain.
This line reads fine by itself, but the rhythm isn't consistent when read as a whole. You could experiment with cutting the word --while--, I believe you're only one syllable too many.
to gently light your path along life's trouble way.
Since this word should be --troubled--, you're forcing it to fit here. It really doesn't work well. I believe --troubled- sounds okay.
You've done a good job with it, it's a plesure to read.
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You have a good storyline here. The problem/conflict is introduced clearly. I don't know where you're going with it but I see her as becoming an unhappy wife at this point. Don't make the plot too obvious for the readers. I hope I'm wrong. I don't like to be able to guess the outcome.
Some things I noticed.
Billy and I have had a close and special
You don't need both of these words. She's still in the relationship so I suggest cutting --had--
to be with such a man like Billy Jones
This is awkward to read. Try it with --AS--. I think it sounds better.
Billy does not like party like I did
A missing word. like --TO--party.
--did-- is past tense. Does she still like to party? If so, change to --DO--
Get pumped on the adrenaline
An incomplete sentence. Add --I--get...
she had the red hair
Is her hair still red? If so, you need to change this to --has--
After a punch guy and a bloody nose
Rewrite this to make it clearer. I think some words are missing.
“Excuse me, but do you speak English?” “Hai.” Yes.
Were both these words spoken by him? Did she understand the word 'Hai'? If both were spoken, the quotes need to end after the word -yes-.
Ailbhe Nakumura a fiance, a good family
Is she supposed to have a different name than her father's?This is the Brief Description. The name is spelled different in the story.
You've some good emotion in here. Her sadness at leaving home is shown well. A good scene.
The setting is well done.
I haven't read the first chapter, so I can't comment too much on the characters. I thought this girl was younger than twenty. The tone was one of a teen-ager.
You've introduced the theme pretty well, I have the idea she isn't going to be happy tied down in a marriage. Good stuff for fiction, it could be tragic. I wonder which direction you're going to take this, and I will look at the first chapter.
I enjoyed the read. I do suggest more action pretty soon to hold the readers attention.
The flashback on mother's history is well done and natural.
I like this story, it caught and held my attention well. It may have been the first line that did it; I'm south of Delhi a bit. It's a small world.
You've done a good job with this, I only noticed a couple of things.
I thought a cooler, what could that have in it that I’ve never seen before, but I was wrong
This doesn't fit the thought too well. You could change the words to something like, --I soon found out, to finish the thought.
So she opens up the top
Read this line without the first word. It says the same thing, but it's tighter, smoother. (to me) I suggest cutting it to avoid wordiness.
melting them as the flew
A typo only. We all have these.
You write well. I'm surprised at your age; this has the tone of an adult writing their memories. Well done!
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I found this confusing in its theme and message. The words aren't giving me a clear image, as 'just one' reader. Is this saying life and nothing in it, really matters? That all is a myth?
Perhaps I'm missing something, I've been known to do that. Don't worry about just one reader. Okay? I know you're a good writer just by making me think with this one.
Good job!
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I wanted to read something of yours and this one caught my eye. I felt as if I was reading about me. Honestly, I could write these same words, every one.
I wonder how unique that makes us?
Well written with an honesty that can be felt by the reader.
Good ideas and tips are always helpful. Fiction and non-fiction are usually so close, the difference is hard to see, but some wonderful work comes from mixing them. Good point.
Your story outline sounds good to me.
I think it kind of strange-scary/funny that both Democrats and Republicans complain of media bias. When they listen to the same broadcast, but their interpretation is strictly opposite, it's scary. And it's dividing the people badly. I think we need a good, strong, third Party to actually be elected.
I liked the little guy from Texas; what was his name again?
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This is very well written. It caught and held my attention, it is interesting and the character is being developed well.
Some things I noticed.
Prologue. own followers, or so it is believed.
Just as Eustephus had prophetic dreams so does the gentlemen spelling/typo---should be --gentleman--
Are these two passages during the same time frame? It isn't clear.
The door eyes him suspiciously, snorts
Typo.
until it gradually takes the form of a horse
Very interesting! Creative. It caught my attention well.
stillness to the woods ahead as If the
I suggest cutting this repeated word. It is used in the last line and is very noticeable; it isn't needed for clarity anyway.
Doors and shutters rip from their places along the wall and slam shut.
I can't picture this. I see doors and shutters ripped off and tossed away. I can't see them ripped off, but still shut. What am I missing?
“It is prophesy of which I speak! Open this door before me!”
Good line! Emotional and strong.
flesh where he eyes should have been
I've noticed several typos and words missing their --S--. As you revise and edit, read it slowly and you'll find them.
Shortly after they were born they help hands for the first time
theories as to how there were raised no one
Typos?
If what I see prophesy coming to pass it will bring about unprecedented peace.”
This line is reading awkwardly to me. Perhaps a wrong or missing word. Something is wrong with it.
As he exits the he hut he is met with the straining creek of bowstrings
Typo and spelling. I believe you meant --creak--
Leanderous react to hearing his name in his elfish tongue as if he had been slapped.
This isn't the correct tense. Perhaps --reacted--?
climbs into the saddle he looks down and Leanderous.
Another typo. You have quite a few typos in this, and it does hinder the flow of the story. Remember to proofread, it takes care of most of these before the readers notice.
I like the story. It moves fast and holds the attention of the reader. I like the creative magic and the characters. The settings are described well, and the readers are pulled in. You're a good writer; just be sure to proof your work.
I like this, it's reads fast and easy. It tells a great story of memories.
Some of the words and the rhythm remind me of an old song. I can't remember the group. I'd bet you could tell me though if you wanted to. This is their trademark style. You wrote it well, I enjoyed it very much!
Well done!
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This is a well written and presented poem.
It reads smoothly with good imagery and a clear message. I noticed no technical issues. You did a good job with it.
Adding in plaintive tones
Condemnation of early rain.
I can hear the complaining voice. Good choice of words.
Well done! I enjoyed the read.
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This is realistic and full of clear imagery. It grabbed and held my attention well.
One area needs a bit of clarification though.
A mediocre cry for help, but that will never gain attention. Laden with guilt, they struggle
The first line is not a complete sentence. Who cried for help? The second line; Who is 'laden with guilt'? The mendacious?
horrid death will pacify them all
I wondered at this word choice on first read, which is good, because while thinking of how it fit I realized that peace had come to all in the end. Very heartbreaking. Scary and sad.
This one is morbidly realistic. The style is easy to read, almost conversational. You write well. Keep practicing to become even better.
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And another short para of writing inspiration. You write well, I think you must write wonderful poetry, because you are good with imagery in these pieces.
Well done!
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This has the emotion it needs, I can feel it well.
The problem is the format and some spelling errors.
If you used the poetry format, the readers could better find your rhythm and rhymes, and the poem would be much more enjoyable to read. I find the message becomes lost when written in paragraph form.
I suggest reading some poets on site and in books to learn more about the forms, and keep practicing. You'll find your rhythm. You're already better than I at writing poetry.
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This is a gently told story. I found it to be realistic in its emotions and actions. It is written well. The scenes are clear and solid.
My attention was held completely.
Emotions were hidden, only shown in short bursts until the funeral, when they were finally allowed to be shown. You handled this scene very well. The reader felt this scene strongly.
I found only typos. I didn't list every one, you'll find them with a slow read-through.
Whose going to die?
This should be the contraction --who's-- for 'who is'--
still the kind, happy little boy he had always been. Yet on the inside his mind was still struggling to
I suggest cutting one of these bolded words to avoid repetition too closely. They jumped out at me and are noticeable. I think the second would be the one to cut.
Having no experience with the disease before Robert could
Either cut the word --before--and add a comma after disease, or add a comma after before to avoid awkwardness.
dark that was closing around is thoughts. But
A typo--you meant --his--
the last four words he word ever speak to his grandfather, --a typo--
both Robert and his grandfather succumb to their respective diseases.
A word is missing between these. --to--succumb
With one look Robert was able to ask the question
I think this word was meant to be --answer--
This was a serious, sad, fact of life piece, and it was written well. You did a good job. Just proof by reading slowly, one line at a time.
This is well written. It had a bit of sarcastic comedy and a lot of sarchasm.
I can imagine this is close to what it feels like to fill those applications.
Some things I noticed.
Aside my from my inferiority complex
I work at in an office
These are typos. We all get those. Read your work slowly, and out loud. It's one of the best tools a writer has.
I work at in an office; play with book titles in my mind
This doesn't sound like a complete sentence. It doesn't read smooth.
I suggest you take this back into edit and look at the genre menu again. Take advantage of using the different ones available to get your work seen by the site and by the public. It will appear on each list.
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The story opens very well. It caught my attention at once. I found this easy and exciting to read. I am pulled into the tension and heat completely. You are a good writer.
Some things I noticed.
You said mommy was real sick and we had to get to the hospital,
Do four-year-olds use sentences this long? It seems you're taking an opportunity to say what happened, but it is pure 'telling'. I suggest this be shortened a bit.
“Cause we’ve been driving for a really long time and we still ain’t found the hospital yet. You said mommy was real sick and we had to get to the hospital, but that was dark-time and now it’s day-time.”
This goes along with the previous comment. This is telling the readers why they are there. It doesn't work well. I suggest rethinking this whole conversation to make it more natural. Readers can tell he told the daughter a story, and they will understand from his thoughts what happened. This is too obvious.
We’re almost there, baby
You have wonderful descriptions! This para is excellently done. I can feel the heat myself.
she started screaming at him and threatening
These words can be cut safely to avoid wordiness. As you read through, be alert of any extra words to be cut. Tighter equals tension, and the tension in this car is thick enough to cut. Good job!
she stopped fighting back, and when she was quiet, Mark got
I think these are extra words. 'Stopped fighting' is clear enough.
I felt the relief at the end of this chap. and look forward to the next. A good way to stop.
The characters are being developed well. I can see him pretty clearly, and she is a shadow. I like him, but he did a terrible thing. Maybe he's one of those 'good' bad guys.
This is very well written. It reads fast and smoothly, with a good rhythm. It was a pleasure to read such a sad story. I'm sure it could be polished just a bit more to smooth out small bumps, but my reading was not hampered in the least. I would not be able to point to a word and say, this is a bump.
You did well.
Your imagery is perfect, in my opinion.
allot should be -- a lot--
esprit
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