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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Vivacious *Smile*

Another beautifully written piece.
Wonderful descriptions of this character brought him to life for me. I could hear his voice and sense his joy. You're a good writer, and I'm glad I found these new items of yours.

I hope you're enjoying the site.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Prier *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

I see nothing wrong with this piece at all. It is written very well. The love for the grandchildren is felt by the reader. The emotion is natural and comes through clearly. No editing is needed, in my opinion.

I enjoyed the read.

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Review of The Last Ride  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is written well, and the scene is very clear. The speed of the car is felt.

The character is not seen though. He is just a shadow to me. For the readers to get into his mind through his thoughts, and sympathize with him, we need to know him. What I see and feel now is a selfish young boy bent on revenge so strongly he's willing to kill himself to hurt others. His loneliness may the cause but it doesn't come through.

Just as each line describing the rising speed is good, and raises the anticipation of the reader, do the same with his thoughts. Show a hurtful memory with each increase of speed that the reader can see and feel.

This is good, it just needs details of the character to make him real.

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esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello again, *Smile*

This was next on the list so I decided to read it too. I'm glad I did, it's good. The words you chose gave good imagery of this situation, and I could see it well.

I didn’t even have the voice to put her to place,
Is this figure of speech correct or did you mean --put her in her place--? It's new to me. *Smile*

sadly, so did summer
I suggest trying --so was summer-- for a clearer thought.

This was emotional and a nice tribute to your sister. I enjoyed reading it. It was interesting. I find personal memories hard to keep interesting, because things personal may be boring to others. This was not boring. You write well.

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esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Michelf *Smile*

This is very well done! It reads fast and easy, the good imagery shows the tale clearly. It could have been a disater! I held my breath until you were safely across. *Smile*

Why do I run when it would be so easy
To slip and to fall
Which I did
And I slid
I love this rhythm! It's fun to read and makes me smile.

Well written, I liked it a lot.

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esprit
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Review of Situations2  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, water *Smile*

Well, as a philosophical opinion, this was quite good, and interesting! You've made me curious enough to read the first draft you mentioned at the end.

Some commas are in the wrong places though, which causes the reader to pause when they shouldn't. It makes the reading awkward.

You also have some spelling issues, but I get the idea you don't want those pointed out yet; so I'll just give my thoughts on the content. Your ideas are good, and listing them like this is quite creative. It held my attention and I enjoyed reading it. Once these technical issues are fixed this will be a good piece.

If you placed a space between each paragraph the page would look more inviting and it would be easier to read.

The piece reads easy, and it is understandable. I enjoyed reading it. *Smile*

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esprit
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Review of Reviewer's Club  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Pass it on

Now, this is a great name for a group! It sure caught my attention. I noticed this on the public review page and had to read it.

Your forum header looks good, and is easy to read. The rules are clear and simple to avoid confusion and misunderstanding.

I noticed a couple of things you might want to check out.

note* this will not necessarily be a paid reviewed.
I believe you intended to write --review--

A question:

Items reviewed must be static items unless otherwise posted.

Since the items reviewed would be chosen directly from the contest forum entries, the reviewer would assume they are correct for that particular contest. Or, will there be contests where the reviewers would have to search the site for certain types of items. In other words, the items won't be posted conveniently in the forum? *Smile*

I know that each contest will have it's separate rules, so this question would be answered when the need arose.

Good idea, and it looks good!

"Reviewer's Club"

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Review of Xcaret  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again, Raffikie kernow *Smile*

I love this! I can see each scene change clearly and hear this refrain being sung by the crowd. Wonderful!

Xcaret oh! Xcaret, leaving you fills me with the deepest regret. I came to you from Cozumel and upon me there you cast your spell.

I found no issues to be changed, you did a good job and it is a fun piece to read. *Smile*

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esprit
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Review of Reviewing  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Silver Wolf *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is nice, well written and interesting. I've noticed your name on the public review page, and I know you can give a good eview!

You've jumped right in to become involved on the site and that's good.

You must keep your items out in the public light to get them read more than once. Place them on a few review forums. Think about how you choose items to read. Newly written items go on the top of the lists; but they're quickly moved down as other new items are added. So it's up to you to keep them out there to be noticed.

This is well written and friendly. I hope you continue to enjoy the site. *Smile*

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Review of Chapter 1  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Your beginning is interesting, and has made me curious. I think I'll read the next chapter to see where you go with it.

A couple of things I noticed.

the wind was so strong it was blowing the tree from side to side with a danger of it toppling over
I suggest cutting these words to avoid overtelling. Pick up the line at ,,,so strong--it is clear you're talking of the wind.

I didnt think I would be inside all day and would be able to go out,{.b} but the weather
Be careful of overtelling, saying the same thing with different words. This bolded phrase could be cut easily and still say what you intended.

19 year old young boy most
Try --young -man--for a clearer image of the character.

she stood there helplessly holding a bowl of mashed potato with a wooden spoon in hand. She stood there at about
Repetition is unavoidable at times, but be aware of it and try to use different words. Readers notice things like this.

40 Minutes later, I was on punishment detail, locked in room without any supper.
What happened? He was eating dinner, is supper the later meal?

I didn't point out punctuation because you're still working on this. Don't forget to go through for that when you're ready.

I still don't know the plot because this was a short chapter, but I'm depending on your brief description when it says 'alternative universe' Sounds fascinating. Is this character the same as the 'child' mentioned? Or will there be another? A 19 year old is not a child, so we'll see. *Smile*

You've ended it well to keep the readers turning the pages. Good job!

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, Raffikie kernow *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Very well done! I've seen very few stories written in this rhyming style; you managed it well.

I have just a couple of suggestions.

love for you keep growing.
This is done twice, add the --s--. You have it correctly twice so I know it's a typo.

and true wanted nothing to do,
This doesn't say what you intended to say because there is a word left out. --wanted nothing --more--

taking the time and trouble just to look
This word causes a bump and since I don't think it's needed, I suggest you cut it. You decide.

I enjoyed reading this. The story is told well.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hi, Ms. Sarsasperilla

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 
6 views and no reviews. I know the format is tricky but I need no nonsense thoughts on Character, plot, dialogue, etc.

Oh yes, it's not an easy piece to read. *Smile*
Thoughts and Comments are at the end.

MIRANDA-When do you smoke?
ROB-Smoking’s always helped me think.
Did Rob answer her question? He smokes when he wants to think?

*Okay, I see she asks this the same way to each of them. It's just her way of speaking.

Thanks again man for the smoke.(JAX exits)
Jax asked for and recieved a light only, not a smoke.

DR. DRAKE-All right. You should discuss what’s going on with your professors so that they don’t think that you’re just not doing the work.
This is a convuluted mouth-full. Maybe you could cut the --that's--?

DR. DRAKE-Are you getting enough sleep?
This shows me Dr. Drake believes enough sleep will fix any problem. He's a bit old-fashion.

JAX-What did they say? You were too smart to be making those grades?
WIL-Yeah. I guess it just makes me wonder why I even try to talk to these people.
Something is missing here. Especially with Wil's line.

MIR and WIL-Movies.
WIL-Now that you will just have to look at the stack.
I don't know what Wil just said.

MIR-(WIL & MIR enter the house)
What are we watching tonight?
JAX-Probably West Wing.

STEVE-(WIL enters from other room)
How did Wil get into another room?

WIL-You thank her because there is a prerequisite.
MIR-So, me thanking my grandmother for buying Ginger Ale is a prerequisite for you having sex with her?
WIL-No, no. There is a prerequisite for me having sex with her.

This is a confusing conversation.


I need no nonsense thoughts on Character, plot, dialogue, etc.

My thoughts.
The characters eventually began to come through, although I never did get them all clear in my mind. There were just too many. Working with names only, it's hard. *Smile*

The dialogue is pretty bland. I felt these characters never became excited about anything. Not a fun bunch. The monotone never varied, each voice sounded the same. The conversations didn't give the readers any hint of the direction this was going.

I don't know what the plot is. I noticed no real change in any character. Mir seems to be the main character, but she's the same as the rest. What makes her stand out? There was a short line on spirtuality; is this what she was missing? I noticed no change.

You may be depending on the acting abilities to bring life to this, I don't know how plays work. Are they given the words only? Is it up to the director to bring out the emotions and facial expressions?

I believe if it was written in a way to show the readers the problem, the high/turning point and the conclusion, it would draw them in to become more involved.

I'm rating this average, with work needed. That doesn't mean the work is below average. It means it needs more time spent on it. I think with more emotion in the dialogue, with a clear plot and high point, and some sort of conclusion, this would be good.

Feedback is intended to help, not harm, the writer. I know this is a tough review, but they are my 'no-nonsense' thoughts; and you did ask specifically. *Smile* I hope they help, I really do.

I wish I knew the audience you've written this for. If it's a specialized one, perhaps a college group, they may understand perfectly. You might want to make a note of the intended audience to help us help you.

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Review of Thinner  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Katrina Gardner *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Strong emotion is heard in these words, good job! The imagery is shown well. The lines read smoothly with the consistent rhythm and rhyme. I enjoyed reading this one. Well done!

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item" 

esprit
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Review of All Hallows Eve  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, CCWryter *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow, you are truly a poet! This is wonderful!

I love poetry that tells a story clearly. *Smile*
This reads fast and smoothly, with no bumps in the rhythm or rhyme. Good job!

This is perfect! In my opinion.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item" 

esprit
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Review of The Last Battle  
Review by esprit
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello, *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Wow! You're right to be proud of this one! It's good.

The emotion is strong and the images are clear.
The rhythm in the last verse is slower than the others, and I liked it that way. It fits the tone and words well. Good job!

Open this page with the edit link and enter a content rate of ASR [to be safe] and Intro rate of E. It won't show on the public lists without the rates.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item" 

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, sgangel *Smile*

Wow! You're a busy person! *Laugh*
Welcome to Writing.Com!

There are paranormal forums on site you might be interested in. I know you're going to love it here.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item" 

esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Riva Lynne *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Oh, my goodness, what a strong beginning! This is good. What an imagination you have!

This caught and held my attention at once. The scene is clear; the emotion is real and strong.

turned to race over and open the door
The word 'race' shows the excitement this child had, and it fits his age. Good choice!

Just as Mechal started
Cutting this word would let the sentence flow smoother. It isn't needed for clarity, and too many extra words will cause 'wordiness'. bumpy reading.

Shaking, realization dawned upon her
Good description! It shows her emotion clearly.

I nearly killed my son!!!!
I love exclamation points too. *Laugh* But, I was advised, correctly, to not use too many. One will do it. The words show the urgency.

This is very good. It's exciting, has horror, emotion, and mystery. I could see the characters interacting. I look forward to reading the first chapter.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor

esprit
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Review of Jeriah's Vision  
Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Amy

This scene is good. It caught and held my attention quickly with the first lines. I would like to see a second chapter.

I found no confusion in the content at all. I knew what had happened and why.

Some things I noticed.

The sweltering heat of the sun beat down on Jeriah's head
I think it'd be a stronger image with the bolded word cut. It was beating down on all of her.

She pulled on the ropes that bound her wrists behind her back futilely.
I suggest you try switching the words around for better clarity.
--She futilely pulled on the ropes...---

A mantra to them to justify their fear and hatred.
Wordy, unnecessary. I suggest cutting these.

She wanted to take everything she had done back
Take a look at this paragraph, and then the entire piece; and count the number of times you see --had-- Try to cut some of them to avoid wordiness.

She knew how the people of the town would react to her powers.
This is past tense. --She'd known--

full of love and caring; they had seared her with hatred
For correct grammar, thus a smoother line, cut these bolded words.

Its white main glistened like --Typo--

She had little strength left and so she crawled to the creature
This is okay, but it's a letdown. This could be the heart of the story. This is the climax. The resolution. Make it something the readers will remember. I think it needs more imagery and emotion to allow the readers to see her true condition.

She is crawling; Show her struggle, her weakness. Is the ground rough? Sandy? gravely? thorny? How long did it take her? Did she have to rest a moment? Did the horse help by moving closer? Was her heart pounding by the time she reached it? Did exhaustion make it hard to breath those last few inches? Readers know she's already in bad shape, let's see how strong she really is.

It's good. It needs work done on a slight bit of wordiness to increase the tension, and work on the ending to make it stronger.

Well done!

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Review by esprit
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Mike *Smile*

I found this on the Public Review page, and I want to mention I don't agree with that other reviewer at all.

This piece does have a point! I found it just fine.

I think her problem was that you didn't mention the wife ten times ten. You know reviewers, they love to be noticed, and some are just nit-pickers! Not me though. *Laugh*

I liked your little item and you should be proud of it! It read easy and fast, and it had no bumps. It was clear as a bell to my ears. Good job! *Smile*


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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, quantumcreative *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

I noticed your Intro rate is NON-E. Since that only applies to the title and Brief Description, you could change it to E to receive more readers. Many don't have their filters set to read NON-E work. They'll miss this one.

And that would be too bad, because it's written very well!

The scene is clear and so is the message. You're good at description! I was there, watching from the front row. *Smile*
You may have intended satire, but I think this is real. You've made it sound real anyway. Good job!

I enjoyed reading it.

I suggest hitting the enter key after each paragraph to leave spaces there. It looks better on the page and it will be more reader friendly.

Well done!

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help.
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#778388 by Not Available.



esprit
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Review of Insolence  
Review by esprit
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, goldendreamer *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This is a good poem. It reads smoothly except for the verse below. The story is pretty clear. I assume the tree is Insolence? I'm guessing from the title only, as there is no hint in the poem itself. Assuming it's insolence, the message fits.

No one knew who planted her,
No one knew who found her.
Yet word spread little by little
Until the children moved around her.
This verse lost the rhythm, and the three 'her''s sound awkward. Actually, it could be removed altogether if you chose to. The poem would be just as clear.

The rhyme and rhythm in the remaining verses are good.
I enjoyed reading this one. You've done well.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help.
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#778388 by Not Available.


esprit
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Review by esprit
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Joe *Smile*

I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" 

The first thing I noticed was the lack of spaces. Spaces are a big deal in a piece this long. If you'd hit the enter key after each para, you'd make this more reader friendly. You always need paragraphs, but on-line reading needs spaces too.

Some things I noticed as I read.

I think you're right; you do have an old style. I'm having to read twice over to get the meanings. *Smile*

The romance that the area once had to offer, the quality that it was once so plentiful with, had been drawn up by the times
Like this, for instance. If this were worded simpler; --the quality that was once so plentiful...---it would be so much easier to read. Ending a sentence with a preposition (with) is not the best form, and it sounds awkward.

Her head was titled slightly to the right and her squinted eyes were desperately

Oh, I see. Well you’re brother doesn’t seem
These are spelling issues. I noticed more but didn't highlight them. Once in a while a word is missing, things like that. You'll find them as you do a slow read-through.


The little girl sat down the empty glass. “Yeah, well you’re not sleepin’ neither.”
Mrs. Sikeston raised her head slightly and let out a soft breath, “No, no I’m not.” She said.
This is a good scene. It's clear and the setting can be seen. The mothers dialogue shows me she's not happy, and perhaps worried. Good! ----the bolded --she said--can be cut since it is clear who spoke.

The look of comfort, assurance, and love fell from her face, like rain suddenly falling from a seemingly clear sky.
Good! I can see her distress.
I suggest you cut the bolded word, --seemingly--.

quietly into the home as his wife looked on form the kitchen
---Typo/spelling--

Welcome home, Michael.” She said as genially, refraining
An extra word to be cut.

Her body began to shakeinto sobs as the cold silver rays
Try this change of word and see how it sounds to you. --with sobs--

This is a good story. The scenes were well done, and they were realistic. The emotion is strong, the tension tight. You're a good writer.

The problem I found, (for me) was the beginning. It was too full of descriptions, for too long. It dragged. I really wanted it to move along faster.

The Sikeston residence was under such darkness; nestled softly
Here is where the story actually began. It started to become interesting because there was action. If you moved this to the beginning it would draw your readers in better, I think. The descriptions of the river and people's relation to it doesn't really have anything to do with this story. By the time I'd gotten to this line I'd forgotten the reference to the river completely.

From here to the end was marvelous! The characters, emotion, the scenes were real. They were alive!

I suggest cutting the top off and work in only the most needed lines needed for clarity.

And get those spaces in! It's very difficult to concentrate on content in such a huge block of text. *Smile*

A good story that needs trimming.

Well done!

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Review of Salvation Army  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello, designjackclark *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

This begins with dialogue, and good dialogue at that! It immediately pulled the reader in just like it's supposed to do. It's strong. It shows the characters and moves the story along. Good job!

“Big Mac and the cheapest burger you’ve got.”
Good! This quickly shows the readers their relationship, and their personalities.

and they leave the drive thru.
Be aware of telling more than you need to. I suggest cutting the bolded words to make the line tighter. They aren't needed because the readers already know where they are.

When they get out of the car the sound of kids
This could be cut too, if you decided to. It isn't necessary for clarity because readers will know they got out. Avoid 'overtelling' and keep it interesting. *Smile*

James sighs and follows him,
Good description of this character. He doesn't want to be there, and he doesn't like Mark too well.

The fear in the women’s eyes has grown
--woman's--

I like the last lines. A good twist, I just doubt if it's true. I'm suspicious of these two. The air of mystery and suspense is well done.

The woman's description is very good. I could see her and feel her fear. Good job!

This is too short to comment on the plot; it hasn't been introduced yet. The characters are being developed clearly. You have talent, I can see that. *Smile*

Add a space between the paragraphs for the ease of your readers. Please. *Smile*

I like this, it's going to be a good theme I think. It's caught my interest and I look forward to reading the rest. Don't worry about the rate at this point. It will rise as the work continues.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help.
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#778388 by Not Available.


esprit
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Review of Bubblegum Romance  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello again, *Smile*

This is good. It was fun and I was pulled in to their world. Good job!

Some things I noticed as I read.

and he sat down opposite her on the other side.
You could safely cut --he--as an extra word, and the bolded phrase as being redundant, since the meaning is the same as oppisite.

'Want some gum,'Ivy asked
This is good! I like the way she tries to change the subject all the way through. She's fun, I like her.

his hand.She pulled his hand up to her cheek and laid her face in his hand,
Writer's are usually too close to their work to notice these things; that's why this site is so great. Readers actually read each other! *Smile* See how you've repeated these three times, very close? Try not to do that. Readers notice and are pulled out of the story. Use --it--for variety, but be careful there too.
laid her face in his hand
laid her face in it's warmth. ?? Just play with the words and make them descriptive. *Smile*


placed her hand around his waist
This is okay, but technically, it can't be done. She could place her hand --on--his waist; or, place --her arm--around his waist.

Any changes are always up to you. We can only suggest. *Smile*

I like this one. It's a short slice-of-life scene with good, realistic dialogue. I liked the characters, they were real and they were cute. If I'd been sitting at the table next to them, I would've been smiling.

The reading was fairly smooth, the message was clear. I hope I didn't miss anything. *Smile*

Well done! I hope you're enjoying the site.

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help.
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#778388 by Not Available.



esprit
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Review of Clearance  
Review by esprit
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, Bodee *Smile*

Welcome to Writing.Com!

The first thing I noticed was the lack of paragraphs. All writing requires paras, and on-line reading and writing requires a space between each one instead of an indent. (as paper writing does). You can add spaces in your edit page to format and for the ease of your readers.

I like this, it reads fast and easy. The imagery is well done, excellent in fact. It allows the readers to see and feel this character as she goes through her different emotions.

She used the long, porcelain nail of her pinkie finger to gently remove
How did she manage this with four bags in her hand?

That woman is wearing the same outfit as her.
Ending the line with -her- is a bit awkward sounding to me.

You've done a good job of showing how the differences can make us all the same.
Well done!

If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help.
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#778388 by Not Available.




esprit
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