Hi, Ms. Sarsasperilla
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
6 views and no reviews. I know the format is tricky but I need no nonsense thoughts on Character, plot, dialogue, etc.
Oh yes, it's not an easy piece to read.
Thoughts and Comments are at the end.
MIRANDA-When do you smoke?
ROB-Smoking’s always helped me think.
Did Rob answer her question? He smokes when he wants to think?
*Okay, I see she asks this the same way to each of them. It's just her way of speaking.
Thanks again man for the smoke.(JAX exits)
Jax asked for and recieved a light only, not a smoke.
DR. DRAKE-All right. You should discuss what’s going on with your professors so that they don’t think that you’re just not doing the work.
This is a convuluted mouth-full. Maybe you could cut the --that's--?
DR. DRAKE-Are you getting enough sleep?
This shows me Dr. Drake believes enough sleep will fix any problem. He's a bit old-fashion.
JAX-What did they say? You were too smart to be making those grades?
WIL-Yeah. I guess it just makes me wonder why I even try to talk to these people.
Something is missing here. Especially with Wil's line.
MIR and WIL-Movies.
WIL-Now that you will just have to look at the stack.
I don't know what Wil just said.
MIR-(WIL & MIR enter the house)
What are we watching tonight?
JAX-Probably West Wing.
STEVE-(WIL enters from other room)
How did Wil get into another room?
WIL-You thank her because there is a prerequisite.
MIR-So, me thanking my grandmother for buying Ginger Ale is a prerequisite for you having sex with her?
WIL-No, no. There is a prerequisite for me having sex with her.
This is a confusing conversation.
I need no nonsense thoughts on Character, plot, dialogue, etc.
My thoughts.
The characters eventually began to come through, although I never did get them all clear in my mind. There were just too many. Working with names only, it's hard. ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
The dialogue is pretty bland. I felt these characters never became excited about anything. Not a fun bunch. The monotone never varied, each voice sounded the same. The conversations didn't give the readers any hint of the direction this was going.
I don't know what the plot is. I noticed no real change in any character. Mir seems to be the main character, but she's the same as the rest. What makes her stand out? There was a short line on spirtuality; is this what she was missing? I noticed no change.
You may be depending on the acting abilities to bring life to this, I don't know how plays work. Are they given the words only? Is it up to the director to bring out the emotions and facial expressions?
I believe if it was written in a way to show the readers the problem, the high/turning point and the conclusion, it would draw them in to become more involved.
I'm rating this average, with work needed. That doesn't mean the work is below average. It means it needs more time spent on it. I think with more emotion in the dialogue, with a clear plot and high point, and some sort of conclusion, this would be good.
Feedback is intended to help, not harm, the writer. I know this is a tough review, but they are my 'no-nonsense' thoughts; and you did ask specifically. I hope they help, I really do.
I wish I knew the audience you've written this for. If it's a specialized one, perhaps a college group, they may understand perfectly. You might want to make a note of the intended audience to help us help you.
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