I didn't feel any emotion coming from these words though. No rhythm either. It reads like quotes, and is a good tribute. There is nothing wrong with the writing itself. It just doesn't feel 'poetically inspirational' to my ears, personally. I'm speaking as one reader only, and it just may be I'll hear the emotion tomorrow.
Moods have a lot to do with how readers hear poetry.
Goodness, as a reader, I don't see anything wrong with this at all. It certainly held my attention tightly, it was tense and it has emotion that cana be felt by the reader.
I felt tense in the dining room, and I felt happiness with the receipt of the text message. I was relieved and glad he made the decision he did.
You caught the readers attention and you held on to it with the problem. Will they be okay? Yes, they were. Just the way a good fiction is supposed to do. Well done!
The tone is quiet and the reading is easy. There are no bumps or confusion. It's a simple love story, told well.
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on "Please Review" This was a prompt that I feel I could go further with. I'm looking for honest reviews
I didn't realize they were in a middle of a game. I thought they were sitting and talking. I don't think it's important to know that at this point though. The game is no longer a part of the projected story.
You've a lot of characters to remember, I think a reader will have trouble remembering who is who. As you write the story, I suggest introducing them by one or two's, as they appear on scene.
Here I sit, surrounded by my closest friends, such a beautiful day, this first day of spring.
This line doesn't read quite right to me. If you made two sentences, breaking it at --friends--, it would work.
I can’t help but smile as to know I have a group of lifelong friends
I suggest cutting the bolded --as--. It isn't needed and causes a bump in the reading.
Women with whom I can let lose and be myself. --loose--
I think it has the potential to be expanded if you have a good theme in mind. Unless the story is going to be novel length, I would turn loose of a few of the characters along the way, and concentrate on a couple.
I have no idea of the direction you intend to go yet, so I can't comment on much. I suggest a new beginning, for the reason I mentioned. Too many names all at once will only cause confusion. I look forward to reading the next draft, to see where you decided to take it. These all sound like stable young women with no personality flaws, you'll probably want to do something about that.
I really don't know what kind of feedback you're looking for. As for this piece, it's written well except for the couple of editing issues above.
My suggestions will apply to the expanded draft, and it isn't written yet.
Many people feel the same way, that's the reason model trains are so popular.
This is a pleasant read. It's clear with good imagery. I could see and hear this well. I wondered why it ended so abruptly though. I know it isn't finished. A note at the bottom would reassure readers that it will be continued. It will, won't it?
So far, so good!
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Oh, my goodness; what a beautiful writing. This is so good! The emotion is felt vividly, the child, the setting of the room. It truly captivated my thoughts and I was there.
It is heartbreaking in its reality, I remember this, she tells me. I was lost. We both were.
Slowly, I rock my feet back and forth as she rocks hers.
This is a wonderful story! You've done a great job showing this boy, his feelings and his pride.
I could see this scene clearly as it played out, and everything works well together. It has a bit of excitement, not much, but enough. I like the boy's courage and quick thinking.
Well done!
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This is a very good beginning, children will love it. The descriptions are excellent and his pride is felt by the reader.
In fact, whoever he strolled this orange ocean it always made him smile and think about the best
I think this was meant to be --whenever--?
and crazy costumes to catch a peak at his --peek--
and crazy costumes to catch a peak at his latest creation, hoping to catch a glimpse at those three pumpkins
Do you see how you've repeated the phrase very close together? You don't want readers to notice the words and they will like this. They will be pulled out of the story. You might consider changing the words of one of these to say the same thing.
farmer who was whistling Dixie
I like this little bit of hidden humor!
father had passed down the secrets of farming too him
---typo----to--
The tone is quiet and gentle, easy to listen to. This would be a good read-aloud book because the imagery is so good. The acres of orange will illustrate well.
This is a good write, and it was interesting to read. You were clear in your statements except for the couple I mention below. You've a good clear goal set for yourself. It will happen.
believes there has a better tomorrow for this
Change this bolded word to either --is--a better... or
there has --to be--a better...
to show everyone what really means to live in this crucial earth.
A word is missing between these bolded ones. --it--?
I want to show you what really life has to offer.
This is awkward reading. Try, --life really--
Actually, repeating the word -really--so close doesn't sound good, and it increases the wordiness. You could cut this one without any loss of clarification.
To have a better and for a more productive future…
This too, is awkward sounding. A bit of rearranging should fix it. --for a better and more productive...--
This was the place for a good, slow proofread. You can catch each of these issues yourself.
You've done a good job with it. The rate reflects work is still needed.
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A very good story! It was intense and scary. The scenes are full of action and seen clearly. You've done a fantastic job of keeping the reader tense through this.
In the path of my aunt appeared appeared a rock
I have one suggestion only. As I read, the many short sentences became blocky and annoying to me. While it's true that short lines help build tension, and are needed in certain scenes, too many destroy it. Try to vary the lengths more. Use a comma once in a while to keep the words moving. Rhythm is good in stories too, not just poetry.
That is the only mar I noticed, this is almost perfect. Well done!
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It may be unedited, but it doesn't need any editing to be beautiful! I noticed nothing to mar the read and smoothness of the lines. The words are well chosen to show strong emotion. I enjoyed reading it as it is.
To me, it's perfectly done!
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This is a well written poem, just in time for a few Halloween contests. It's scary.
It reads well except for this line, to me.
And then I saw the homless man
Lying there in the mud
You might read this ine without the bolded word and see if it sounds smoother to you. It caused a bump for me.
Well done!
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This is a cute, short write, with a cool moral. It works. I noticed only one typo.
IMMEDIATLY typo --immediately--
You've chosen color font which is very hard on your reader's eyes. I suggest you stick with black until it's been edited completely. Then, choose a darker color if you still want it.
Also, all capitals are not as attractive as regular fonts. Unless there is a particular reason to use them, I suggest sticking to the regular.
The choices are always up to you though. I only suggest.
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I think I'm hooked on this story already. I look forward to reading the next chapter. Good imagination!
I have some suggestions that are only meant to help. I hope they do.
butteflies, flowers,and blue sky
--butterflies-- gruinning widley."Why don't you yse that
--grinning-widely--use--
about to happend..it happend everynight really.
--spelling--happen--it happened--
He would get drunk every night and always treated her this way.
I suggest removing the bolded words to avoid overtelling. You've already said it happened 'every night'.
"Who was that man?"At the sound of her voice a form at her side rolled over
Why is she asking this question? It's confusing to me at this point. If she is speaking to herself, make it clearer.
refreshed even though the nightmare still haunted her.
I would make it clearer that the beginning is a dream. You've done such a good job describing it that the readers will believe it is happening now and become confused. I was.
sighed at a familair look of confusion crossed Nicola's face.
Change --at--to --as--to be correct. --familiar--
"I heared you screaming
Are you intentionally using --heared--to show his manner of speech, or did you mean --heard--?
It sounds like the beginning of a wonderfully interesting story, you've already got me hooked. I want to read about this girl and find out what happened to her when she was young. I look forward to it.
Don't let the rate disappoint you since this is only the first draft. The idea is very good. Write the story!
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This is very well written. The emotion is strong and felt by the readers. The message is heartbreaking and those that have been there will understand completely. Those that have not, will see.
You've written an excellent piece of poetry.
I noticed nothing wrong technically. The rhyme and rhythm are both consistent and allow the words to flow smoothly.
Well done!
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I can't say I truly like this theme, though it is written very well. The emotions are good, real. This is too sad and perhaps too realistic to be enjoyed by the general readers.
I would rather see this as a couple who have loved each other for seventy years. That image I would enjoy.
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The emotion is felt in the words well. I feel sorrow, regret and and a little confusion.
The message is too obscure for me to understand. It's a personal write though, so that's okay.
My comments are on the writing itself.
They wan't me to die. --want--
That the'll try not to sin. --they'll--
But it's what they have to delt.
I wonder if you meant --dealt--? If so, I suggest cutting the word --to-- and leave it with --they have dealt.--
I hope this helps.
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This is a cute and simple story. Beginning readers would be able to read it themselves. It's written well, with children in mind. That's not easy to do.
Your words are perfect for an illustrator to provide the pictures.
I do think there should be a better ending line though. Something with her smiling and putting her shoes on, maybe? Just a thought.
Well done!
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This is a scary story! Gory and full of horror!
I liked it and I think you've got a good beginning. There are a few things I noticed, I hope they help.
slowly floating toward the door of the condo. Mia stared in horror as the figure slowly floated to the door.
Cut the bolded area to prevent the repeating phrase. Telling it twice is not needed.
locked, and then sat their, thinking --spelling --there--
Her feet felt rooted to the floor as the figure floated
Good descriptive showing of fear!
“Honey, there are no such things.”
Why don't parents ever believe? Very realistic line.
George had a trouble some sleep, filled with questions
Make this one word. --troublesome--
Add spaces betwween the paragraphs and speakers lines. It's difficult to read with the text all bunched up like this.
scared and relieved. Relived because she ---typo--
it was just you imagination ---typo--your--
Although she still felt uneasy, she still was glad
You could cut the bolded word --still--to avoid wordiness and repeating. It isn't needed for clarity.
let out a sigh of relief. Although she still felt uneasy, she still was glad.
Actually, if you changed the period to a comma and ended the line with -uneasy-, it would sound good. Removing the phrase --she still was glad. Since she's let out a sigh of relief, the readers will know she's glad.
I was surprised at the ending you chose. As a reader, I would like to know the reason behind the haunting, and have some sort of satisfying resolution. This ends too quickly in my opinion.
The tension is good, it got my heart to pumping well.
I hope you continue to work on this a bit, it has the potential for a scary Halloween story. Adding a few more details would make it scarier too. I would like to see Mia come out the winner, is that possible?
The rate reflects a good, average story with work needed.
I found this on the public review page, and I'm glad I did. it's a wonderful peek into real life.
having noticed that now the offending ketchup is on his thumb; the very one he still sucks.
I just have to let you know this line is precious! I can plainly see this child, and he's adorable.
everyone is giving us that look... (you know the one, "why can't you control your child")
I used to think 'the look' meant this too. Now that those days are behind me and I'm one of those giving 'the look', I can assure you we both had the definition all wrong. Except for a few who forgot kids are funny and wonderful.
This is written well and I enjoyed it very much. The tone is friendly and funny and real.
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The good tense beginning caught my attention at once and the anticipation of danger held it. You've done a good job with the mystery of the story.
you know that the is no escape --typo--
You like your lips trying to draw some moisture into your
--Did you mean --lick--?
You like your lips trying to draw some moisture into your mouth. Fear has made your mouth as dry as the desert
To avoid repeating a word too close together, read this without the bolded words. It says the same thing, but is tighter and has more tension.
body down into the chair, trying to become one with the chair.
Repeating words again. They are too noticeable and will pull the reader away from the tension you've build up. If you cut the second set and replaced it with --it--or something, it would still say the same thing, but smoother.
I really like the ending, you hid it expertly,
Good writing!
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I really like the theme, it's creative and new. I wonder about some of the word choices though. They don't have a rhythm or flow, which is what makes a poem enjoyable to a reader. I think just a little more work would fix it.
I'm not a poet so I'm not much help here. I only comment as a reader.
Most days depression is winning the daily battle --Try listening to this line without this bolded word.
Some days happiness over takes the depression --Try --takes over--and leave out --the depression--. You decide how it works for you.
I try my hardest to have the happiness win
But the depression is just too strong.
These two and the first two are very good! The rhythm works to move the words along and lets them flow. In my opinion.
Good work with the story. It is a war, and many will be able to relate to the piece. I hope you continue to work on it.
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