This is a good beginning. It shows the protagonist and introduces the plot. I assume the 'good guy' will be the boy. I can't say it was interesting and hooked this reader right away, but it covered info the readers will need.
As he stared into the crystal an image coalesced. It was a young man, of average height and slightly stocky build. The man was frustratedly punching the door of a locker. “Good. Arrange for his entry into the Daecyean. And make sure he arrives here,”
You might consider moving this para to the top
since it contains some action. Then work the dialogue in after it. Only a suggestion, but this would more apt hook a reader.
As he stared into the crystal an image coalesced.
I can't tell who 'he' is. It sounds like the subordinate, but Sylgythin said, "Good.". Make it clear who stared into the crystal.
He was the first human with enough potential to be a full Mage in thousands of years.
Another problem of the same type. Needs more clarity.
Will it take him thousands of years to become a mage, or is he the first human with potential, found in thousands of years?
I can't wrap these names around my tongue but that's okay, I know they are common to the genre.
While you are in Edit, hit the enter key once after each paragraph to leave a space. It is a more correct format, your work will look neater, and readers will have an easier time. Good for everyone.
Place each speaker and his dialogue on a separate line. Don't let it all run and mix in together. Keep it neat.
This is coming along well. No typos. No bumps.
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What a great story! You even remember the excitement. You've told it well, and pulled the readers along with you through your memories. Good job!
I found some typos for you, I hope it helps you with your editing.
rembering a time that was special
This is your brief description.
being 4**** for a little time
I suggest spelling it out clearly. I don't know what this means, though some will. Others won't.
Weather or not you attended service routinely,
==
tight ship weather at --whether--
or down the shore in August.
A word is missing to complete this thought. --down the shore--is awkward.
She kept tack of report cards --track--
Seeing ourselves in we felt like the Rockettes themselves.
This isn't quite clear. Does it say what you intended to say? Is this referring to walking through the door so to 'let yourself in'? Maybe a comma after in would help with the clarity.
that we could prove or stories with. --our--?
I like the ending paragraph, and can feel your happiness of remembering this story.
Well done!
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This is an interesting story, I enjoy reading of the paranormal, especially personal experiences.
I noticed some things for you;
backpcking trip --typo--
Rumours have it that that a man was killed --typo-
outside of the tent, I can't help but remember
Since this is personal, I know you're telling it like it is and I'm not suggesting you need to change your memories. I just found it odd that this is her first thought. I would think she would immediately think of a person and look to see, especially since she is alone.
imagine the long, dark evening ahead.
I didn't get the feeling of a long evening. It happened pretty quickly after she woke, and she didn't remember anything afterwards. I suggest prolonging the bad feeling with some showing of fear or wonder. Something to pull the readers in and allow them to feel it too.
As the haunting sound and that moving light
I don't hear a haunting sound. A rattling chain would be a noise that should be so out of place it would need investigating in this setting. I imagine a haunting sound to be lighter, smoother.
It's a good story and a good write, but it's 'telling'. There is no emotion to make it real or believable. Readers want to be scared, and I think you can do that with this one.
I hope you keep working on it because there will be Halloween contests beginning soon, and your story has the potential to be very scary. I would like to see you enter and win one. What do you think?
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This is a good story! It's scary and full of tension. I was even holding my breath.
I could see the character well, but the best was the father. You did a great job showing him! His desperate cries and running from house to house. Good job!
I noticed a lot of spelling typos though, and they are what is bringing the rate down. I suggest you get into the habit of reading your work aloud and using a spellchecker. Most writing programs have those that work as you are writing. Do you use Microsoft Word and paste your work into this site, or do you write directly into your port? There is a spell check there too, but it doesn't correct for you. Anyway, I only pointed out a few, not all.
she fakes bieng sick
This typo is in your brief description. -being--
to the coach and turned the t.v on
--couch--
From the childrens play swings or the taps,
I don't know what this is. You might want to make it clearer for your readers. It may be something quite common that I don't know about. If so, just ignore this.
the telephone poll was up and
--pole--you have this one twice.
this weather is going isn’t going
Just cut these words, they are extra.
I definatly --definitely--you have it twice.
While you are in your edit page working on this, hit the enter key once after each paragraph to leave a space between them. The page will look better and it will be easier to read online. It will also be easier for you to edit.
I wondered why the parents didn't have their keys, but that doesn't have to be added. It makes a good story. I liked it a lot. I could see myself doing this when I was a child. It was a fun read, what a movie this would make!
Oh, one more thing. Your description of the storm is excellent! It was fascinating for me to be able to hear the thunder and see the lightning so well. You did a wonderful job with that!
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This is interesting to read, and it held my attention. It's a good beginnnng.
I miss the details though. Too much is skipped over. For instance I was surprised to find the young wife in a wheelchair, it made me immediately suspicious of foul play.
I was also surprised that she mentioned Elizabeth after knowing this man so well. She knew he would be upset, but did it anyway. I couldn't see the purpose.
"Some tea, darling," he said to her curiously with a raised eyebrow
Why did he look curiously at her? He just offered her tea. Is something missing? Why the raised eyebrow?
I see a mystery unfolding here, and it's making me curious. You're dong a good job. My only suggestion is to slow down a little. Show the characters and their thoughts with more details to allow the readers to know what's going on.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
This is very good, well written. To answer your question; yes. It definitely makes me want to read on.
It caught and held my attention at once. It's interesting and it makes sense.
The scene is well described, the characters are clear, down to the leaves on the ground. The emotion is realistic. This man is real, and he's a little sad and melancholy about the 'old days'.
Jim’s heart was a gonner{/b{{c:red} --goner--
He is concerned with her knowing he didn't know of the husband's death, but he's already asked about him. She already knows. Maybe he would be more concerned about explaining why he didn't know?
The story is coming along very well. I liked it and I hope you post the next chapter on the forum. I look forward to reading it.
A good beginnning. I hope you continue to work on it, it's worth it.
In my opinion, it needs more details, more character building. Show how bad she's had it, how low she has become. Let the readers be glad she's coming out of the depression. This happens way too quickly to give the readers time to be pulled in.
They stung, with a sharp, aggressive, harsh sting threatening to close anytime with the amount of sleep that had gathered in there
Clarity is needed here to understand.
crash around her for week of time.
A word is missing or something. It doesn't sound right.
Stephen, your right. --typo --you're-- But Stephen had lifted her world and made her understand what life was for again. Living
I think more detailed dialogue would be helpful. He didn't say enough to cause this immediate turn-around in her. At least I didn't hear him. Maybe they walked and talked for a couple of hours? or even days?
under no circumstances was she going to let it slip away from her like it had before
She hadn't lost his friendship, had she? I thought he was always there? A little more clarity is needed.
Add spaces between the paragraphs.
I think if this was slowed down with a few details, it would help make it clearer, and you'd have a more complete story. Fill it out, the characters, few weeks of sorrow. Pull the readers in with sympathy for her. Make her cry!
I hope this helps a little.
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I look forward to reading the next chapter of this one! You've managed to catch my curiosity. The scene is described clearly. Continue to work on the emotion, it's not quite felt yet.
The icy, cold wind pierced my back as I stared at the ashes
This is a good opening line! It's descriptive and catches the readers attention right away. Good job!
tugged on my sleave as if to get my attention
Spelling --sleeve--
I suggest cutting the bolded words --as if--because he DID want her attention. You know he did and the readers will know he did. Don't sound unsure of yourself.
foster home you will be staying at
Cut this word to correct the grammar. It doesn't sound good to end the line with this word. Try something like; ==foster home where you will be staying==
I looked at him with my black, hollow eyes. They weren't always like that. They had been beautiful, blue eyes full of hope
She probably felt hollow, but she couldn't see her own eyes. She wouldn't know if they looked hollow or full of hope. I suggest you leave this out. Later, in dialogue, you can have someone else refer to her eyes if you need to.
With that I feel to the dirt
Spelling/typo --fell--
leaving Fox, but she followed
This is a good ending line for the chapter. It shows the readers that Fox is loyal, and the anticipation of a needed rescue to come. They will continue to read.
A good beginning. It immediately shows the readers the problem and points their sympathy toward these two youngsters.
Don't forget to hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave space. Your work will look neater and it will be easier to read.
Good job!
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reveal an ancient, tattered and torn book
A good, descriptive line, sure to hook the readers in.
but this book had instructions on how to achieve these myths
I suggest you cut this word because he knows they are not myths. You could just say; --...achieve these things...
"No, the gate it opened to another dimension
Cut this word for a better sounding line. it isn't needed.
escaped before it was close it's the truth im telling you
Spelling --closed--I'm--
I like the story! You've used your imagination well. It caught and held my interest well. The ending fit perfectly.
The punctuation is in need of editing, but I can't help with that. The lack of it causes confusion and hinders the enjoyment of the story.
The scene is clear and shown well. I can feel his fear, frustration and agitation through your words. Good job with that!
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Wow, good intense drama! You're a very good writer!
This caught and held my attention from the beginning. This has the potential to be expanded if you chose to do more. The way it's ended leaves definite possibilities. Good job!
and I was instantly sent to a very uncomfortable memory.
A good line! It instantly alerts the reader to trouble and raises their anticipation.
I was fuming by now and suddenly recalled the first phone call.
This word is a small bump for me. On first read I thought she meant she called the number back. Maybe if the word was changed to --remembered--or something, it would avoid any stumbling for the readers.
out about you and I?” I sneered.
I believe this would sound more natural with --you and me--check it for grammar.
didn’t realize this and continued to up the steps.
A word is missing.
Wow! This is becoming tense! Good descriptive showing!
Such a sad, realistic ending. I would have liked to seen some sort of conclusion, but I guess I did. It's just not a happy one.
Well done!
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The light that guided hope now sits on the fallen sun
This is a good line. Just look at that image!
if not only for a moment things could be different.
This is awkward and hard to understand. I wonder if you removed the word --not--it would help? What do you think?
Good job, keep writing and practicing, and be sure and always enjoy what you write.
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You've got a good beginning. It reads well and the story is being introduced clearly. Though this is too short to know what the plot is, I am sure it will be exciting. I think I'm going to like this character.
pleanty of time for my mother to Unfortunetly for her{c:red] --typos--
Don't forget to hit the enter key after each paragraph to leave a space.
Good job!
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The opening paragraph is very good! The tension is strong and grabs the reader immediately.
Most of these are typos, so don't faint away at the size of this review.
Softly signals were heard and returned and the
I think this would sound better if you changed this to --Soft-
hans took one of the three
A typo. Capitalize --Hans--
passed it to the two menand --A typo--
Well practiced and ready, the mnen
--A typo--
Each prayed to the God of his understanding and inhaling the fear of the courageous
I like this line! I can almost smell the fear and the determination.
various buildings and the electric
I wonder if --electricity--would sound better? What do you think?
You've good spaces in the first half, but not the second. Try to get a couple in there to break up the long block of text. It's a bit difficult to keep my eyes on the right line.
I like the ending, I could finally breath again. lol
This story held my attention all the way. It read well, and it was kept interesting. The action moved the story along at a fast clip. Tension is strong. This is a believable story, and I could see the characters doing this.
You're a good writer with a natural talent. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Well done!
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A pretty well written piece. It reads smoothly most of the way.
A story like this, the media do most desire
This line is bumpy to me. Just a bit of working with it should fix it up. Cutting the bolded word is one suggestion, but it will need more. --the media most desires--
You've a good start to a scary story. The beginning is a good hook. It caught my attention at once.
Instead, the houses were eerily empty, hollowed-out husks
Good showing! It causes tension in the readers, and curiosity.
I suggest you work in a few details to draw the readers in tightly. Who are these characters? Is Danny a zombie? Does she know him? Why are the houses empty? You've brought up a lot of questions that you'll need to answer before it's finished.
I hope you can develop this into a complete story because Halloween isn't too far off and contests will soon begin. Maybe you can enter this into one of them.
ice blonde hair from her ice white skin and glancing around with ice blue eyes,
Experiment with different descriptive words so you don't use the same one too often. By using -ice-three times it loses its effectiveness.
But now they’d walled her in.
A sense of danger is strong. Good job!
This is a well written scene. The emotion is good, the setting clear. It was interesting to read. You did a good job with it.
One bump I found,
Everyone but me.
telling my friends I’ll be right back
The beginning shows her alone too, but then she tells her friends she'll be back. It's contradictory and the image of her alone is not clear. Perhaps she 'feels alone', even in a group? Many have felt that way.
I lit my face to his --A typo--
Place spaces between the paragraphs for a better looking page and to make it more reader friendly.
The descriptions are very good. You're a good writer!
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I enjoyed reading this. You've written a creative piece of writing beginning each word with a -W-. This is fun and good practice. It's good for your imagination; exercises can be fun.
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Oh, yes. It's dark, it worked.
The tension is tight and it reads well. The scene is clear. The characters can be seen. The setting is good.
I feel sorrow for another unecessary death. You described the emotion well and it was what really pulled me in. I would of course liked the ending better if she had escaped.
You're a good writer. If this is your first dark story, you did very well. Keep practicing, you'll only get better.
I like the tension, it's pretty good. This is a good beginning. Will there be another chapter to conclude the story? You should note that at the top or bottom so we won't assume it's finished.
Some things I noticed.
Please add spaces between each paragraph. Besides improving the presentation, they make it much easier for your readers
Sat in the chairs around the table
I think --Sitting--would sound better.
Naturally, they were all nervous
This line puts them back into normalcy for me. They should be confident. Evil should not be 'nervous', should it? I suggest cutting this line.
timber sides to the cabin also
Read the line without these bolded words. I think cutting them will help hold the tensness of the scene. We've already been told about the walls, so the readers will know the timber means the walls.
into a coarse dead word.
I don't understand this reference. I wonder if it is a typo, did you intend to say --world-?
beauty still clinging to her fetid features,
I suggest you search for a better descriptive word. --fetid--means a bad smell; that doesn't seem to be what you're saying here. You could just cut the word to avoid overuse of adjectives. It's your choice of course.
fetched the obsidian dagger from under the floorboards
This is a bump for me. I would think they would already have the dagger out and chanted over it, or something. Isn't it important to have the spirits involved?
and the papery fingers
I suggest --her papery fingers--
Why are her fingers papery? Are they excessively dry?
they attempted this particular ritual.
Show the ritual. I wonder what happened inside the cabin before to cause the walls to become spattered, because they are taking her into the woods. Is the ritual done outside or inside? Is this part of the next chapter?
I can see this scene well. I can see the darkness and the walk. I like the idea of her defending herself. It has held my interest well and I want to find out what happens. Good job!
esprit
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