This is good, and I enjoyed reading it as it is. My comments are as a reader and they are only what I noticed as I read.
The rhythm is not consistent and that stops the words from flowing. The short, two and three word lines are good where they are. It shows the changes taking place. It is the rest of the piece that needs a bit more. This is only one opinion though.
Dark hair, colour of gold
This image is difficult to see. Dark is usually seen as brown or black.
Wings, halo
Two angels taking flight
I'm assuming she died?
Again, it is an enjoyable piece and you did very well.
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This is absolutely beautiful! What a wonderful prayer for your grandchildren. I hope you've printed and framed it for them? And for the parents?
So on this child this blessing bestow
Grant him faith, the rest will follow
These are beautiful words, and I wouldn't suggest a change at all. But the two words don't rhyme. I thought, --flow--rhymes with -bestow-, and it means the same as follow. (or it could, depending on the context}
Well done!
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To have trouble with these, you sure can write them well!
This is good and it caught and held my attention well. The story is complete. The emotions of fear, anxiety, and joy are all felt strongly. I can see Jimmy standing in the doorway although you didn't describe him at all.
Well done!
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This is very well written. The scenes are clear, the emotion strong. You've left the details of the story to the imagination of readers, and that's okay sometimes.
The trouble with being too vague though, is the readers won't have a strong interest in the read. If they can't grasp a character or a plot, they have no place to put their sympathies. They will want to see some sort of satisfying ending. This character hasn't seemed to change at all in the two years.
I noticed only one typo. Excellent proofreading!
Perhaps I was different then the others
--than--
I hope this is helpful and the type of feedback you were looking for.
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I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
You've caught my attention with this one. It's interesting. I'm curious about the date, your little hints of info thrown in here and there are good.
I thought the beginning was too slow. I wonder if it could be tightened to hold the interest better? You have a lot for the readers to grasp. I tried to image him rubbing his left eye with a hand with a scarred wrist while kneeling at their feet. I couldn't do it. I expect the tic and scarred wrist will be explained later?
members of the council looked away, expressions of disgust twisting plainly on their faces
This is good descriptive writing! I see a bunch of arrogant fools.
he reached forward and adjusted the narrow metal cylinder that waited on the
You might consider a different word here. --sat--? --waited- gives the image and impression that the cylinder is alive. At least it did to me, and since this is fantasy, we never know.
I suggest a space between each paragraph to improve the look of the page and for the ease of your readers. I'm finding it difficult to keep my attention on the story with the lines so bunched up. My eyes require that I look away often. Online writing requires white space. Just hit the enter key after each para. and you'll be set.
The days of a voted governments were passed
Cut this word -a- for a smoother line.
Even the Chancellor himself had no rule over the Guard. No final say at least, he amended
Does this say the Guard is not ruled by the Chancellor? The following lines seems to say as long as they agree, which is not the same thing. You might want to clarify this .
Too bad no one remembered what they were. I like this end to the chapter. It's a sure way to keep the readers turning the pages. I wonder what they are too.
Don't let the rate startle you. It only reflects a work in progress at this point. It will be raised.
This is very useful to those like me who need the extra lessons.
You've explained these carefully and understandably. So many of these terms and uses left my head years ago, though I can still remember sitting in the class-room and trying to learn them.
I'm going to print this out and study.
I really like the source list and the way you've given the credit where credit is definitely due.
Its coming along now. Im sorry for my lack of skills in the writing department
I advise you to take advantage of the Brief Description area to hook the readers in. There is no need to apologize for your writing, that's why we're all here.
Furthermore, this is written very well! I found it to have a good opening, and it was interesting. I've a pretty good idea of how the character thinks, and I know she will be pursuing love. A great beginning!
The only thing that needs fixing at this point is the format. Place spaces between the paragraphs for a better looking, easier to read page. Huge blocks of text are difficult to read on paper, but on monitors, they're impossible.
I noticed no typos either.
The rate reflects a good beginning draft.
Well done!
What a great introduction!
You've said exactly how I feel, and I think many more feel the same way.
It takes a lot of courage to post your work publicly on a site where the members actually read and comment on it. It never gets much easier either. Each new piece causes new anxieties.
Well written!
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This is interesting, and was an enjoyable read. I noticed no typos at all.
But this type of freedom is different from the kind craved by a person in captivity
I expected a line or two concerning the type of freedom desired by a captive, but it isn't there. I think if you're going to have this line, there needs to be a comment on it. The entire article only addresses the first type. It can be made clearer by cutting this line. It's always your choice though.
You've written it very well, and it caught my attention. Good job!
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I enjoyed reading your story, and I've noted some things that I noticed. I hope it's of some use to you as you continue to write.
I suggest re-working the first paragraph. It's wordy and too busy. It doesn't catch the reader quickly.
I think the last paragraph is perfect. It would be an excellent first. Could the story begin there? The information can then be worked in as needed.
The Intro rate can be changed to E to attract more readers. You have no NON-E words in the title or brief description.
of an age long here and past
If these two words were cut, the line would read smoother. They cause a bump for me.
He really didn’ t want to do,
This word can be cut as unnecessary.
many, many more would die by his blade and others as well.
This is wordy and redundant. Aren't you saying the same thing twice?
When the villager was responded to with silence
This is a good descriptive 'showing' line. I can see Brohnin standing still and looking at them silently.
let me pass or you will face consequences
I wondered why, if he didn't want trouble, he didn't step out and go around them?
But as of right now he only wanted to get back what he had lost
This is good, but wordy, passive. Some words can be cut safely to tighten and make it more intense.
It's good showing of a part of the problem he is going to resolve in the story. It helps to raise the readers anticipation.
I think it has a lot of potential as a fantasy, and I look forward to reading the next installment. This is too short to comment on the character. I can see that he is strong and determined to accomplish his goal.
You're doing well. I hope this helps some.
The rate reflects an interesting story with work needed, since it is a first draft.
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This is good for a first. It has some scary thoughts listed, like you were getting them straight in your mind. Like an outline.
I suggest you now use these thoughts to think about what makes them scary, and then write a few lines to show the image. Experiment and practice.
This is not scary because it is a list, and the readers don't actually see the image doing these things. This is a very good idea, though. And it's the way good writers work. They make lists of ideas and then work from them. You're showing your creativity well.
Keep writing and practicing, and we'll keep reading.
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This is a good scene. The setting of the house is shown clearly, I can smell the dust.
Is this a draft of a beginning? Or only a scene? It has the potential of being a good story I think, if you decided to continue. It has the elements already. Mystery, danger and adventure.
While you are in Edit, go through and hit the enter key after each paragraph, and each completed line of speech. The page will look neater, less intimidating, and easier on the readers eyes.
visibly unstable and looked as if it would collapse at any moment.
These phrases are redundant and cause awkwardness. I suggest you choose one and cut the other to avoid wordiness and redundency.
throwing away the key to access them
This phrase could be cut safely too. It isn't needed for clarity, and it will cause 'overtelling'. Readers will know what the key is for. They are pretty smart.
He heard the faint sound of the door closing on top of the hole to the basement high above him.
I suggest you look at this line again. It is very busy. Try to tighten it up. The words -high above him--are a bit distracting to me. They wouldn't be that high if the ladder was only six feet. He is most likely almost six feet tall.
The phrase isn't needed in any case because readers know the opening is above him. I think if the line was shortened, it would come across as more tense. You really need the tenseness here. He doesn't sound too worried to me.
I don't feel emotion. No fear or worry. A bit of anger for a moment only. You might want to decide what his mood is and let the readers feel it. Emotion will bring it to life and hold the readers.
You're good with descriptions, and that's usually the hard part of wrting.
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This is an absolutely beautiful piece of writing!
You've brought these scenes to life with your excellent imagery, you good choice of descriptive words.
It was burning in the embers of the fire you sat around, as you let your marshmallows swell and stick to your fingers
You've many descriptive lines like this one. Good writing!
You've done a good job of showing the readers exactly what you saw and remembered. I've nothing but praise for this one!
Well done!
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What a wonderful, emotional scene. You showed it so clearly, I felt I was watching in person. I've seen Michelle skate on television, and it may have been this very year you've written of; I don't know. I remember her though. So small, so sweet looking.
You've brought this piece alive with your excellent descriptions!
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Good humor! You need to capitalize the beginning of each new sentence, and always capitalize the --I--. It shows your readers you are serious about your writing, and it is correct grammar.
uw-milwaukee
Isn't this the name of the school? Shouldn't it be capitalized?
as i've said since i started working summers between teaching, 'machines don't talk back and they do exactly what you ask.'
I can't agree with you here. Machines don't do what I want.
This is a short piece, but you still need paragraphs. You'll find that placing spaces between each paragraph will greatly improve the appearance of your page, and it will be reader-friendly.
Welcome to Writing.Com; I hope you enjoy exploring. you'll find lots to do.
Hello, Puerto Rican Writer
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There's not a lot wrong with this one, it's pretty good. It reads well and the story is told well. I liked it!
I found some issues for you, mostly easy fixes.
said Kathy in a freighting tone
--frightened--
“I know your father is will be
This is only an extra word to be taken out.
She was anxious and at the same time she was in the need to tell her father
This is good! It shows her state of mind very well! It's a realistic scene, and I can feel her nervousness well.
Are you okay Kathy?” her father replied with a worrying expression
--worried--
Hit the enter key after each paragraph, and after each line of dialogue. Put each speaker on a separate line. The page will look neater and it will be easier to read.
She finally begins, “ dad, im pregnant
Capitalize --Dad--, because it is used as his name. Always capitalize --I--
This is an excellent line. It is simple, clear, and I can feel her hesitancy. Her fear. I like the way your words are simple and clear. It's a good style to read with ease.
What are you saying?” he continued in a shocking way.
Still in shock and disbelief
I suggest you cut the bolded words to avoid wordiness. They aren't necessary because we know who is speaking, and we know he's in shock by the next line. The line will read smoother. Read it for yourself and you decide.
I can’t believe that you just had committed
This bolded word isn't needed, it can be cut out safely.
he wanted to scream and possibly the bastard who destroyed his daughter’s life
A word is missing in this area. What did he want to do to the boy?
I know that I had disappointed
Change this to --have--
And for a long time it remaindered that way
--remained--
Working and studying at the same becomes
A word is missing here. ...at the same -time-?
She said in with a glowing expression
This is an extra word that can be taken out.
You've done a good job with this! Is this your first story? It's very realistic in its emotions; I think you've shown clearly how this may happen in some homes. I enjoyed reading it and I hope I've helped you a little. Keep working on it and keep writing.
This is good. I enjoyed reading it. You wrote a very good story in just a few minutes!
Twelve years later
apartments of our own, we’d still kept our
This word throws the sentence off, and is awkward sounding. I think it could be cut safely.
that neither of us wanted to break.
Until now.
He still didn't want to break it. -until now- sounds like he now wants to. I suggest cutting these words.
because we’re all moving to Jacksonville{/c:red}
This was a relief and made me smile. I was really caught up in the story.
These sugggestions are for future story references as I realize this is a short contest entry and you may not be expanding it. It has good potential though, if you decided to.
This is a rant I think. That's okay, rants are writing too.
There are spelling errors that hinder the reader in quick understanding, causing them to have to read again.
The emotion is strong and real though. Good job with that.
They think there it
truth is there s***,, --they're--
skirt so short, hills so long,
I don't don't what is meant here.
what's up there --their--
about people who think there the best.
This is your brief description. Capitalize the first word. Spelling.--they're--
they're--is for --they are--==--their-is for belonging to them. --there-- for over there. here and there.
There are other spelling errors that I didn't point out. Read through slowly and you're find them.
You might consider placing this under Opinion/article genre.
I hope you're enjoying the site and finding lots to do. Have fun!
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