What's imagination? Mikey asked.
Mikey seems to be about six or seven by his speech, but this makes me think he is younger. Kids know what this is at his age. Don't they?
the wooden door to the big closet, just at the top of the stairs to the basement
This led me to expect some action from the basement. This line can be removed safely to avoid wordiness, since it adds nothing to the story.
He started to walk away,but he heard something fall inside the closet.
I think changing -but- to --when--and cutting the last two words, the line would read smoother. Readers know it's the closet, be careful of repeating info.
'Don't go in there, don't go in there George,' he heard Mikey yell,
You don't always need to have a tag line if there are only two speakers; especially if you've included a name as you have here. Adding an exclamation point after --George- will show he is yelling and you won't have to tell it. I suggest cutting the bolded area.
Besides, she told me to stay away from the closet. The eagle might get me.'
This has been explained. I suggest cutting.
An after-thought. Apparently the eagle hasn't been there long, or the boys are only visiting rarely. A bit of detail here might be good.
He suddenly pulled open the closet door. This sounds like he hadn't planned on doing this, but he had. (I think.) If you can cut it, it would still read clear.
All was dark inside.
This line is okay, but further down when you describe the 'cheap light bulb' is much more descriptive. You don't need both. I suggest cutting this one to avoid overtelling and wordiness.
Cheap like everything else around hereThis is good; it shows an arrogant, young know-it-all. A brat.
He ran his fingers over some of the shelves closest to him. Thick dust coated his fingers.
If there's an eagle in here...and cont.
I wonder at the reason/logic for him doing this. He isn't shown to be the type to worry about cleanliness. Full, seldom used closets are expected to be dusty. Do you need this? Can it be cut?
He turned to go out, and then he heard a noise again
I'm finding this to have quite a few extra 'telling' words. Find and cut as many as you can to avoid a wordy story. Make it tight and it will be much more intense and scary. Cutting the bolded and adding --WHEN--he again heard a noise...would still be clear. Do it your way though. These are only suggestions.
I absolutely love the last line! I would have said the same thing.
The story is good and with a little more breath-stopping suspense, kids will love it. Tighten it up. Where was the light coming from in the back of the closet? It couldn't be from a crack to the outside wall from the way I imagined the setting.
This definitely caught me in quickly, but the suspense needs to be stronger to hold the readers. More fear shown. Kids love to be scared in their readings, especially if they expect to be.
I don't know if there needs to be an answer to why the eagle is there in the first place. This is fun, and shows an eccentric grandma. Every kid should have at least one eccentric grandma, in my opinion.
Don't worry about the rate at this point, I know you want this to be well written. The rate reflects work is needed, that's all. It will rise as you continue to revise and polish. The storyline is good.
I just noticed your username, and I love it! I am too! It's my trademark.
Well done!
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You have some good imgery in here. It's coming along well. It doesn't need a lot of work, just a tweak here and there.
the sand is red and yellow and cream
By cutting this one word, your rhythm is more consistent.
Tiny toy soldiers march and shout.
They are in a box so I let them out.
These lines don't really fit the tone of the piece. Do you really need to keep them?
I am a princess wrapped in blue
and gold.
In my dreams I am never cold.
The meter is off. As an example, read these lines without the bolded word. One syllable can make a big difference in the rhythm.
This has some good imagery, for instance here. All the horses are inky black with
purple silk flowing from their backs
Without smoothness of the reading though, the imagery is lost. With work on your syllable counts, the rhythm will take care of itself.
Well done, and keep writing!
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I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Introduction of the three main characters. Villain, victim, and detective.
This sure began with a bang, good work!
It caught and held my attention completely.
Blowing smoke rings he things
Typo. ---thinks--
The two settings are well shown, I can see them both clearly. The Villain and detective are being developed well. I am beginning to see their personalities.
This victim hasn't had time to be seen yet.
The villain I see as the standard 'ignored by his love' type. He is rough and not too bright I think.
The detective is a tough, messy, but kind-hearted cop.
The theme is coming along good. I found it suspenseful; the horror is real. The victim's relationship to the dectective was a shock to the reader. It's good. I would definitely turn the page on this chapter to see how you developed it in your own style.
Well written! The voice I heard was quiet and friendly, gentle.
This was easy to read, and I could see each scene cleary. You're a good writer. The emotion of the narrator was always present in the background. If it hadn't been desribed as a true story, I would have guessed it, because it sounds real.
I found no technical issues to point out, except for formatting. Place a space after each para for a better look and easier online reading.
Well done!
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I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
I enjoyed this piece. I've read another of your items and you're a good writer. You have quite an imagination.
she left Keith to wail in the embarassment
This word doesn't match his mood, in my opinion. I don't think he would wail, he's angry. I wonder if --wade--would fit better? Your decision, always.
his Jeep and turned the car on, leaving the headlights
This doesn't sound too good to me. Awkward. You could try, 'started it', turned on the ignition', or something. These are only suggestions.
With the top down and her hair blowing in all directions, the Mustang's speed was hard to keep up with, but
Read this line aloud. Do you hear what it actually says? It says 'because' the top was down and her hair was blowing, he couldn't keep up with it. Clarity is needed here to keep the story moving.
remembered spotting on the way up there.
These two words are separated from their sentence, I ended it at 'on the way', then noticed them. I suggest cutting them to avoid a bump. It will be tighter and more intense; I think.
he heard a moan coming from the passenger seat.
Try this with the word --her--and see what you think. --coming from her--
smell of tabacco now filling the park air --typo--
You've written this well. It is intense, moves quick and is pretty tight. The character is realistic in letting his emotion rule his actions. There is just enough background to show the readers why he does this. He could have been a gentle man, I see that too.
Good job! The rhyme and rhythm are pretty consistent, they sound good.
The first thing I noticed is the lack of content and Intro rates. You can place rates by going back into your Edit page. It won't show on the public lists this way, and you don't want to miss your readers.
This is well written. The imagery is good at showing the message of passing time.
symphony’s
I wondered if you intended to write -symphonies--?
I enjoyed the read, Well done!
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This is good! It's very tense and exciting; it holds the reader fast. Good writing!
I noticed some spelling issues, one is in your title.
serpant ---Serpent-- torquise ---turquoise--
a streak of torquise and pink shot up out of the water and into the air.
The picture I get from this line is wonderful!
not sure if they were really awake.
For some reason, this line doesn't sound good to me. I suggest you work with it a little more. --not believing their eyes--is just as cliche, but I have no other suggestion.
Your descriptions are very well done, I enjoyed reading this one. Well done!
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I like the feel of this poem. It's message really caught me up. The lines beginning with --It seems--and --It looks--gives the impression that hope is still there. The last two verses didn't begin that way, and I felt hope was gone. Good job!
are loosing hope
--losing--you have several of this word.
I don't know if you considered the meter/rhythm; it isn't consistent to my ears. If you didn't intend it to be, it works just fine.
You have rhyme in most verses, but it's lost in the fourth.
I enjoyed reading this and it's a sad thing to know 'the darkness of hatred' is alive and well.
The title is good!
Well done!
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Beatri's second adventure is another fun read. I liked it and found it was easy to read. Your descriptions are good. Red water isn't wet? Pretty creative!
she was listened to ‘So Die For
This is a typo. I think you intended to write --listening--
into them. She completely vanished into them and after
Be careful of repeating the same words too close together. If you cut the second bolded area I think you would see the line still reads good. Try it. If you think you need them, that's okay. This is only a suggestion.
the vegetarian alligator fish.
Now, the repetition of this phrase is good! Don't go and change that. It's funny, and it's a good thing it's vegetarian!
I look forward to reading the next installment of Beatri. Well done!
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I found this so engrossing I couldn't quit reading. The style is a quiet monotone that is easy to read and hear. This was absolutely captivating.
highly symbolic...sorry so confusing
your Brief Description. I did not find it confusing in the least! Do you? Really?
Go into the Edit page of this and place a Content and Intro Rate of E on each. Without a rate, it will NOT show on the public lists and you'll be missing a lot of readers.
overcome the images of his that were burned
I think if you changed this to --him--it would read smoother.
she cut off her long silky
The same with this word. Read the line without it and see if it sounds better, then you decide.
Space after each para to break up the text would make it look good on the page.
These are only suggestions.
You are a good writer! I truly enjoyed this piece. The emotion and the imagery pulled the reader in well.
Good work!
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Whew! It's good!
I enjoy reading well written pieces, and this one fits the bill. The emotion is the strong point here, it's what pulled me in. This emotion is real, you were feeling it as you wrote. If not, you did a good job faking it.
I noticed no technical issues; but I don't write poetry so I may have missed something important. Such as the format. I like it broke up a bit. But that's a personal preference and it won't count here.
As a reader I like it very much.
Well done!
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This is very well written! It reads smoothly and easily all the way through. The imagery is good.
The emotion I felt as I read this was strange, Hope and Hopelessness. I agree and I disagree, both at the same time. "Why are we here?" is the message I got from it.
made of a substance to
A typo--too-
I enjoyed reading this, you did good.
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Your title and Brief Description is what caused me to open this piece, but by the eleventh line I was hooked!
Some punctuation issues are here. Another reviewer will pick those up for you.
Fist like every child I would select notable
Spelling/typo --first--
All they saw as a literary representation of my brothers death.
A typo. You intended to write --was--.
too and tough they were still my friends
Spelling/typo --though--
They said I was good, they got me published,
I would like to know who --THEY -- were. Since it is immediately after the mention of 'friends', I thought it might be them, but I don't think so unless they were publishers?. A bit of detail to make it clear would help with understanding.
The emotion running through this is wonderful, and it's real!
I think if you added a couple more paragraphs, it would look better on the page. The general rule is, the shorter the piece, the shorter the paragraphs. But, it's up to you.
I am stunned! and that rarely happens.
This piece is written straight from the heart, it's a plea to read and like your writing. You want to write so badly and are afraid of the reaction. Oh, my goodness! Everyone of us feels the same way! You have truly captured my thoughts, and I'm sure every member of this community.
You're a good writer, (at least of this type,) this is the only item of yours I've read. Good job! Readers can quickly tell if a author has used their own real emotion, or have tried to fake it. This is strong and true. If you put yourself in your fictions, they will be fantastic.
This reads fast and easy, and was enjoyable. Well done!
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I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
I like this storytelling style. It's easy to listen to. I feel as if I'm listening instead of reading. Good job!
The story is exciting and full of action. Kids will like it for that.
The first thing I noticed was the absense of paragraph breaks. This is short, so the spaces are not missed so much, but you always need paragraphs. Just add a space after each. The page will look better too.
Some things I noticed, which are all typos only.
He told me later that he head frozen to the
body and away fro the hole
mouths, and rushed it off our heads
These are all typos.
great emphasize
Spelling --emphasis--
The story reads quick and easy, and it's fun. You did a good job with it. I can see the scene clearly. It was difficult to separate so many characters though. I think there were too many names for so short a piece.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
I like this story, it caught and held my interest at once. The settings and characters are very well described.
Some things I noticed as I read.
Ellie and her husband Tommy Ellie's husband, Tommy yelled from the
This is only to make sure the readers know Tommy is her husband. I suggest cutting the red to avoid overtelling and preventing annoyance. We got it the first time.
Why is the dialogue all in italics? It's used for thoughts by some, but I've not seen speech in italics.
She swore that Tommy was the most impatient man she had ever known
Why didn't you use dialogue here? She could say it just as easily as you are telling us.
“The ring!” she pronounced
This tag dulled the excitement I felt when she spoke. I suggest you don't need it at all. 'The ring!" is wonderful all by itself.
inspect the ring himself. Reaching for the ring
Overtelling again. We already know.
Did you realize that you have the words --the ring in each of the next six-plus lines? Cut most of them and use the word -it- a couple of times, nothing for the rest. We know they're talking about the ring.
For example:
Tommy again reached for the ring and said --by cutting the bold, readers will still know what he is reaching for.
Whitehaire glare Ellie demanded to know,
Her name can be cut. By keeping the lines tight the story moves faster. All of these interruptions are hindering the flow of the story for me.
it was… well, magic.” She said.
The tags are not needed when there are only two characters. They are identified by the conversation, and by -HE--SHE-.
Granny was a religious women
--woman--
wallpaper glue caused it. So she decided to take a break.
I don't edit punctuation, but this popped out at me. I think it needs to be changed to a comma.
After an hour had passed, she began feeling tired...
--into their poisoned bodies...
This whole scene is very good! I can see it clearly, and I feel anxious for them. The emotions, descriptions,dialogue and narration all work together to bring this scene to life! Good job!
The dialect is realistic and I enjoyed reading it. You do good work. I like the story a lot. These characters and their actions are real.
Tighten this up so it reads smoothly with no bumps to slow it down and it will be excellent. Again, there is nothing wrong with the story, only the structure. My rate reflects work needed.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Spare no mercy on my attempt at a short story. Please review with brutal honesty
I like the beginning. You give all the information needed to get the readers involved. The settings are as clear as a movie set, good job!
I found a few things for you to consider.
his kids would be tucked in and his wife would await him
--would-- isn't working too well. Try rewording. Maybe just, --awaiting him--or --waiting for him--
wearing pearls and flashing pearly whites
To avoid repeating a word too close, maybe pearls could be changed to another stone?
He'd punch out at midnight...
Every morning... Frederick would have a donut or two and head out the door, embarking on another adventure of minor league law enforcement.
How many hours did this poor man work? This is much more than the common eight-hour day.
The character is being shown very well! And his home life too. Good job!
approaced with his usual strut ---
as this was definitley unplanned
--Spelling--
"Come to bed sweetheart,"
This scene is described very well, great job!
Oh my goodness! What a twisted ending! I love it! The incident at the door had me thinking maybe he's one of those he works for...you know; the end took me completely by surprise. Excellent work!
My rate reflects only that work is needed in a few areas, (in my opinion.) I would love to give this a 5 star rate, and it's gonna be one day. Let me know and I'll read it again. But please, remind me more than once! I get side-tracked easily.
You've expressed your sorrow well in this piece. I can feel the real emotion and questions in the tone. The voice is a natural, conversational style. It's easy to read and relate to.
people could do such a unthinkable thing to so many people.
Be careful of repeating words too close together. The readers will notice the words and it will pull them from the article. I suggest you cut the second --people--. It isn't necessary for clarity and the line reads well without it.
God, (The Supreme Being) is always capitalized.
I enjoyed reading your opinion, you held my attention well. Well done!
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I'll find the place where,
I most likely belong.
This is clear and sounds good.
I don't understand the message though. Is it suppose to be vague? According to your Brief Description, I think it is. It's up to the readers to see what they want to see, is that right?
It is about styff being very unclear
I don't know this word, did you intend to write -stuff-?
No where
This is one word with this usage.
No where near adulthood
This has three syllabes, which disrupts the smoothness. Did you realize if you changed it to
--grown--it would rhyme with this line? Sort of?
I most likely belong.
I liked reading it and putting my own interpretation to it. Well done!
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I enjoyed reading this one, it's inspirational message is beautiful. Well chosen words.
The rhyme is consistent and sounds good.
The rhythm is not consistent throughout. Each verse sounds good individually, but read straight through as a whole, the smoothness is lost. The lines began to get longer toward the end, and the words contained more syllables.
It's a good poem though, enjoyable and easy to read. Well done!
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I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
This is an area I'm interested in, so I enjoyed reading this. I am a part of your audience.
You've done a good job of describing these circles, and why it would be hard to believe they were all made by human hands. You kept to the subject and explained your thoughts clearly. Good job!
that pranksters with planks and ropes, in many cases, can not possibly make a "true" crop circle
I would cut this bolded phrase. It isn't clear in this line if the phrase goes with the first half of the sentence, or the second. Or rewrite it clearer.
measurements, differnt energy readings
Spelling
and most for certain there has been no human inside the circle
This is awkward. Maybe, --most important?--
a average human would be hardpresed
--spelling--
have radiation levels are higher than normal.
An extra word that needs cutting.
disproves the theroy that all crop circles are hoaxes
--Spelling--
There is also the difficultly of such an attempt at doing so without getting caught
This reads awkwardly. I think cutting the bolded words and rewrite for clarity and simplicity. --while avoiding being caught--? You can come up with better than I, just keep it smooth.
It needs a careful read-through, aloud if possible. You may find other areas where a word could be changed to allow the line to flow smoother. The ease of reading and understanding is very important in an essay. You did pretty good with this one.
I believe you need a punctuation expert to look this over, too. I'm not, so I can't help.
Well done!
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