This is interesting. It moves along fast and that's good. As an introduction to Eleanor though, it doesn't tell anything about her. I can see the room-mate well though.
boomed in my ear, of
I suggest ending the line here with a period to avoid a long, convuluted sentence.
A space between speaker's lines would be nice for the readers, and the page would look neater.
ran in the bedroom ---into--
picked up the phone
Since the readers know what she is doing, I suggest cutting these words to avoid overtelling and repeating the word -phone-so often. You could say, -picked it up--it would still be clear.
came through into the living room
This word isn't needed, is it? I think cutting it would allow the words to flow smoother.
I liked the scene. It is a good, realistic look of mornings. The characters are young and perky. They like each other and it shows. It's coming along well.
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This was interesting, I enjoyed it. I don't know the commercial, but I wish I'd seen it. I think I might've felt the same as you.
your nodding your head slowly, feigning
--you're--
That is something to celebrate, not condone
It sounds like you meant --condemn--
I like the natural style you've used. It read fast and smooth with good sentence structure. The combination of short and long gives this a pleasant flow. Good work!
This is a delightful story! I enjoyed reading it and I like the ending very much.
I found a few typos/spelling errors, and I have a suggestion.
Oh mommy i cannot find D.D, she is gone
Always capitalize the --I--
I suggest you use the contractions of --can't--and she's -gone--to catch the child's voice. It sounds more natural. Capitalize --Mommy--in this instance because she is using it as a name.
became very quite,her mood hopeful --quiet--I like this line. It shows her mood well.
I am sure she is hear, baby"
--here-- I like this line too, it sounds like a distressed mother. Again, try --I'm sure she is--to sound natural.
the the dining room, and - a typo-
"So honey why did D.D give a such a scare"?
Change this bolded word to --us--for a smoother line.
I like the energy this has in its tone. It moves along fast and is easy to read. The plot is good as it is something most children can relate to, and you captured the emotion of a three-year-old well. I like the lesson too, of mother searching the house because she loved the child.
If you added space between the paragraphs and between each speaker line, it would look better on the page.
This is a good introduction. It is tense and shows the scene well. The imagery is excellently done.
The first para though, is a little slow, and there is a tendency toward wordiness you need to be aware of before you go too far.
brown eyes wide with what appeared to be shock
Cutting these words will tighten the line and help the readers feel the horror. Since these are in the opening paragraph, they are more important. Keep them tight to hook the reader in at once.
He had what could in more pleasent
I suggest cutting the entire line which contains these words to avoid wordiness. It isn't necessary to describe him, is it? He is no longer a part of the story. Readers won't care what he normally looked like.
Why had I seemingly attacked this man?
Cutting this word will make it stronger. Seemingly is a passive word. As far as we know at this point, he did attack the man.
hollow, hopeless sound that deepened my dispair.
spelling--despair--
This entire line is good. I can hear the thud and it shows his state of mind well.
I like the scene. It's shown well and it caught my interest. The mystery is a good hook, and it causes me to want to turn the page.
This is very well written. The beginning caught my interest at once, and held it all the way through. It moved along clearly and I noticed no bumps of confusion. You did a very good job with this.
The setting is clear, the characters are being developed well, and the tone is full of suspense and danger. Tension surrounds the seal and the reader can feel it.
he yelled, seemingly to no one
You might consider cutting this area. It will be clear in the following lines why he couldn't see them, and this is 'telling' and wordy. It's not needed.
I'm not sure of Parks though. He seems like a dark man who knows the secret of the seal. He won't shake hands yet he smiles with a full smile, and--- with one more grin. “So exciting!”-- this doesn't sound dark to me. It sounds friendly, yet he isn't. I know you can't fully develop him in this short scene, but this intro seems contradictory to me. Too much smiling maybe.
Geer is being developed well. I can see and feel his suspicion and anxiety. The emotion is real.
Roland Geer went pale. {c;red}
Very good showing!
The writing is good. The story is making sense and I see nothing more that needs work at this point. It was a pleasure to read such a well-written story, I look forward to the next chapter.
happy, good house
If you added the words, --have a--good house...it would be a more complete thought.
and loving freinds. -- spelling--
anymore money, anymore parties
In this context, these will be two words. --any more--
I could not take it no more
change to --any--
I kick the chair away from me and pain replaces my thoughts of death.
This is a good line. It shows clearly that he didn't want to die. He's very lucky.
I smiled as I told the crowd sitting in front of me.
Complete the line with --I told the story to the crowd--Or,---I told my story...,
touch one heart. It would make
This sounds like one sentence. I think removing the period would help the flow.
My mind seemed to clear. I knew what I had to do...
Expanding on this with a few details would allow the reader to know why he changed his mind. Is it just because he didn't die? What were his thoughts?
You've a good beginning, but it needs a little more clarity which you can give with details.
It has the potential to be an interesting, inspirational piece, but we'll need to be able to relate to the character. Develop him a little more. Give him a personality.
Good job!
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Well, this is inspiring to writers. It sure grabbed my attention!
I suggest you fill in your Bio as soon as possible, because you're going to have members rushing over there to find out a little about you.
I would like a little more information here before I ventured to another web site though. Does this pay real cash for each work read, or only if the stories are chosen? What will the readers and reviewers get out of all the work? Are there some guarantees for the readers and reviewers? Will they be paid by the word, page or item? These are only a few of the questions I would ask before I took a trip across the WWW. I think you could/should add more information here to attract the best. My opinion only.
We also ghave a reader of folks
--A typo-- The sentence isn't clear. Do you mean you --need readers--?
We all enjoy dreaming of seeing our work in print and the movies, but we all know it isn't easy. This will give a little hope to many.
I rated an average because it is an average worded ad I see most anywhere. I loved reading it though, it caused my hopes to rise and it made me think what if...
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This story is interesting. The main character and the child can be seen. You've shown them clearly enough. I can see the action in the arena well, I can even sense Melinda with a frown and holding her breath, worrying about Amanda's time. There is something missing though. Emotion. The reader needs to see and feel the excitement, the shock, the fear, in order to enjoy the story to it's fullest.
The best way to show emotion is to put yourself in the story. Remember how fear feels, the body language it uses, and describe it.
They had been here a long time
I suggest you cut this line. The time is mentioned a few lines down and this will be obvious. Let the exhaustion he feels show how long they've been there. Is he walking the floor? Has he sat there for two hours doing nothing but waiting? Why didn't his wife wake up at once when the doctor spoke? I think she would be sleeping fretfully and lightly. Did the father ever have tears?
He looked at his watch
Why don't you experiment with more descriptive words where you can? --looked---is so plain, boring. --glanced--is a little more descriptive, but I bet you could think of a few more. You need to get some sense of urgency in here, some fear, tension.
She wasn’t moving except for the slow rise and fall of her chest.
This is a good image. It's realistic and shows her clearly.
Lying across to chairs she looked
--two--You may have already corrected this. I've had your story for a few hours, and just now reading it.{
"How's my daughter doc?"
This word sounds too casual, friendly. He may not address the doctor by any name at this point, nor notice the doctors offered hand, because his mind is completely taken over with thoughts of the child. An exclamation point would help show his urgency. -- "How's my daughter!"-- You are the writer and you know how you want this character protrayed. These are only suggestions.
"She wasn't breathing, and very cold.
This doesn't sound like something a nurse would say. They've already been told the child is okay, and nurses won't cause anxiety if they can help it. That's the doctor's job.
The storyline is good, a little wordy. You use --had--a time or too to often, but the main problem at this time is the lack of emotion. It would really bring this to life.
The rate reflects the need for a bit more work. The story is worth it, in my opinon. It will be a very good drama piece.
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You've done a good job with the descriptions and imagery. The theme is well shown. A good beginning to a potentially good story. I look forward to reading the next chapter. This intro is a good curiosity builder.
Some things I noticed.
The first sentence is very long and convuluted. It gives too much information. I suggest making two or three for easier understanding.
lonely sidewalk in the park,
Cutting these words would avoid wordiness and over-telling. The setting has already been established.
illumenescent --Spelling--
cuddle the shadows on the ground that I was strangely attracted to. It's warming for me. So strangely warming to see two men in love.
The words --strangely--is distracting. Why is it strange? Also, to say it's warming to see the shadows and it's warming to see two men in love is distracting. More clarity is needed, separation of the two similar thoughts.
unaccepting to anything
Try the word --of--. If it sounds okay to you, I suggest changing it.
It's night's like this though, that we have each other. That
The structure needs reworking I think, to read smoother. If you changed --that- to --when--and use a comma to continue the sentence, it would be complete and more understandable.
somehow throw all the troubles
--throw -out- all the troubles? The thought isn't finished.
The last sentence is very good. This is a good scene, shown well with good descriptive words. The emotion is clear, the love felt. You've done a good job here.
I suggest you make it clear with a note that this is the first chapter, and not a completed story. Your brief description tells of more to come, and it's a good, strong hook to pull the readers in.
You've a good introduction to the problem the characters face. I found it interesting enough to want to turn the page and find out what happens. You're a good writer. The rate reflects only that it isn't finished and more work is needed. It's a draft, and not expected to be perfect yet.
Well done!
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This is a good idea, I liked it. I could see the scene clearly and I understood the actions completely.
You know there are quite a few spelling errors though. They hinder the reading. Did you know there was a spell-check on your edit page? It will help find them, then find a dictionary for the correct spelling and you'll be all set.
The fear and consiquences
--consequences--in the brief description-
I've listed some that spell check won't catch because they are spelled correctly, but used wrong. I hope it helps.
building that sale products
--sell--
the car has not left the seen. Some cars get up and walk off.
This is good! It's funny and it's realsitic. Good job! The bolded word should be spelled --scene--
metal thing that brought him their
--there--
The stick that he brought to protect him
--bought--
I like the storyline, it shows well how we might be seen. You've quite an imagination, the most important thing thing for a writer. The rate only reflects the work needed, so I hope you like this well enough to continue to work on it. It has a lot of potential, it really does.
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You've written this piece well. It catches and holds the readers attention and interest all the way through.
The characters are done clearly, I can see them all. I can also feel their frustrations and fear. The emotions are good.
The setting in the night is described clearly. No bumps.
Her parents take it turns to ruffle her hair and plant kisses on her cheeks --A typo only, an extra word to be cut.
Within the laugh, itself strangely melodious, if unnerving; sounds like legions of tortured souls crying are audible
This line is awkward to read. I think if the bolded area were cut, it would be smoother, easier to understand, and still be clear.
He has a full, sensuous mouth, a chiselled jaw, cheekbones sharper than blades, and unfathomable eyes
This line seems to be information for the reader. A five-year-old wouldn't think in this way. I found it to be unecessary description. She has already said he was beautiful, that's enough.
before she has chance to scream
A word is missing. --has a chance--
The storyline is good. The horror real. Everyone knows movements in the shadows are monsters, so readers can relate to her fear. The ending is good.
I hope this feedback helps.
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This is a well written piece. It catches the attention of the reader quickly and holds it well. I only noticed one bump for me, as a reader.
I haven’t seen him in eight years...
...but he visits me often...
Contradictory and a bit confusing. I understand the message of course, and I'm not suggesting any changes.
The emotion is strong and real, which pulls the reader in well. The imagery is good. It's a sad story for me to read, and you told it well.
Definitely an above average piece. Well done!
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I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review"
Good beginning! It caught my attention at once.
This is a great story! I couldn't stop reading until the end, and it's a good ending too. The descriptive words and imagery brought this to life. I could see the scene clearly. What an imagination you have.
The story moves along quickly. The tension is strong and I can feel the fear. Good emotion!
I noticed a few typos that you will find with a slow read through; a missing word here and there, things like that. If you placed spaces between each paragraph, it would be more reader friendly and it would look better on the page. It would also be easier for you to edit.
This character is done well, he seems real to me.
I have no suggestions for change, everything looks good. You've captured the horror well! Just typos and small issues to polish out.
I found your request for serious feedback
on "Please Review" Beginning writer, be honest... gentle doesn't help me!
You've a cute story, it's gentle and the character's are nice. Too nice.
I stared at her in horror
This is one of the best descriptive lines in this story.
By the time we got in the car to drive to the dentist,
I suggest cutting this area since we already know where they are going.
and I was left the office in just under
I think this is an extra word you forgot to delete when working.
The storyline is good, a trip to the dentist is one every child knows. Kids want to see themselves in their stories though, and they know they aren't always nice. They don't take dissapointment too well. lol
Give this girl some character, some spice. She can still be polite but a sour look would show she was mad. Instead of [sat in a chair], maybe she could 'plop down' hard.
one last glare ---Good!-
makes me feel sick because of the funny smell Do kids feel sick? Actually they feel like they're going to 'throw-up'! Don't they? Mine always did. There are some great words in the thesaurus, and kids love to say them.
--nauseous--wretched--vomit--miserable--
The mother is good, the story is good, work on the child. Oh, and give her a name! Very important!
I suggest changing your INTRO rate to E so this will on the general, public list. More readers can find you. You have no NON-E words in your title or brief description, so the higher rate is not necessary.
You've done a good job with the setting. I can see him sitting there.
A few more details would be good. Is he afraid or just resigned? I don't feel the emotion of fear so I have to assume he has accepted what is going to happen. You show acceptance well.
would be preety cool being
--pretty--
I'm sorry that i have respect for life you should have thought about that before you
Who is speaking this line? I can't tell.
Using all capitals to show yelling isn't a good idea. make the words strong enough to show the anger for you.
Use capital -I-, not -i-
You've written a good, clear scene. There is suspense and mystery. We know he was working for the mafia and he crossed them in some way. If you decide to keep working on it, bring in some personal details to bring the characters to life for the readers. Use real emotion. You've got a good start and this one could be made into more.
Good job!
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The first thing I noticed was how many times the word --planet-- popped up in the first para. Five times. When a word becomes noticeable, the reader is pulled out of the story. Try to cut at least three.
one of the larger islands on the surface.
These bolded words cause an awkwardness. I think they could be cut safely.
Like all great cities of any significant size, there was, of course, a dark side to the capital of Antarius
This line is wonderful! It quietly changed the whole tone at once. It hints at intrique and mystery. Danger. Excitement!
You've a good beginning. Your setting is clear. I think you may be overdoing the describing though. You can't show it all in one or two paragraphs, readers become bored easily. Work in the sights gradually, as they are needed.
I like the way the main character is brought in with the last line. It makes me want to turn the page.
Good start!
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These personal memory stories are my favorite. The real emotion always brings them to life for me. This is no exception. It brought tears to my eyes, you showed it so well.
My father saw us and waved at us, almost
Be aware of repeating a word too closely. Readers will notice the word and be pulled from the story. --at us--could be cut safely, the clarity would still be there.
This was a pleasure to read.
For a more in-depth review, post on as many review forums as you can. You'll get lots of readers.
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This scene is clear, I can see it well. It is all in a 'telling' style though. Have you read anything about how to 'show' rather than 'tell'? It's not a snap, but it's not that difficult either, with plenty of practice. It's an element you will need to learn in your journey to better writing. Do a search for 'show' and see if any of the articles are helpful to you. Ask for reviews by posting on a few review forums.
In the meantime, enjoy the site!
If you have any questions about the site, just ask. We're here to help. "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
As an exercise of the senses, you did a good job! You placed this reader at the front table. The scene is clear, especially the older woman. I can see her perfectly.
carried of on the wings of smoky
A typo--off--
the last note fades away, leaving me once again
I can hear the quietness return.
its aftertaste is sharp and bitter
Good!
These exercises are so important for good writing, and they're fun to do. Good job!
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esprit
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